MIL meltdown

[seoladair]

Please give gentle answers - I am feeling bad, and am looking for kind advice, not a debate...

Since I became pregnant, my MIL has become very controlling and intrusive. My baby is now 14 months old, and we had a bit of a meltdown when she was just 6 weeks. There were lots of issues, for instance her saying "that baby is very fat" - you should put her on a diet", when she was 6 weeks old. She also got angry because my husband and I chose a hospital near my parents instead of near my ILs.

I have struggled all year to keep everything on an even keel but we had a meltdown yesterday over a small, silly thing - she has given us endless junk for the baby. I am in favour of second-hand things, but only if they are in good condition. She knows this well, but ignores it. DH and I have managed to tactfully reject 2 second-hand car-seats in the past year, and we've explained why.

Yesterday DH (a very tactful, gentle man) said that we wouldn't need the second-hand potty and stained loo-seat cover she had acquired for our baby. She also had some toys that were filthy. One of them looked as though it had been chewed by a dog.

An explosion of Vesuvian proportions ensued.

She was hollering at me in front of my baby, who got upset. I am very concerned that this will happen in the future, and undermine my daughter's view of me.

I also suspect that it's a control issue. She said "We do things our way", to which I replied "no, DH and I are baby's parents, so we would prefer to do things our way".Although they are a wealthy family I'm not saying they should spend much on my baby- I'm just tired of the emotional blackmail that accompanies the grubby pieces of baby junk, and would rather she didn't get it for us.

She also said she was very angry that I was only staying 2 nights. I stayed with them 3 weeks ago, also for 2 nights, and MIL babysat at our place 2 weeks ago, yet she was complaining that she doesn't ever see the baby. She also complained that my parents see more of the baby (not really true - sometimes they do, other times ILs see more of her - it just depends on what DH and I are doing).

Her daughter is estranged from her - I don't want the same thing to happen. I do want my daughter to know her paternal GM, but am concerned that I will be undermined more and more as my daughter grows up.

Sorry it's long....

"Her daughter is estranged from her - I don't want the same thing to happen."

Sorry, but I really think you should follow her daughter's lead. Your DH may say he loves them and he can claim that he has "learnt to let it wash over him" - but that ABSOLUTELY does NOT mean that you have to put up with them. These are not nice people, and you are subjecting your child to their influence. "Fat baby?" Putting a BABY on a diet? She is DANGEROUS.

Do the right thing by your child, before her poison damages your child as it would seem to have damaged your husband (what father would allow his child near these people? Normal my arse!). Become estranged.

Now you know why her daughter is estranged.

Time for you to do same.

FIL's other son is also estranged, completely. He doesn't let his children see their grandfather and step-grandmum.

She is getting angry for no reason.

She´s an adult & should be able to control herself.

It´s not your/your daughter´s purpose in life to placate her.

" [My Mum] reckons I'm not going to change anything by standing up to MIL, but if I send a nice card, it will reduce their ability to moan about me for a while."

All that will do is REWARD her for unacceptable behaviour.

You will have to up the ante every time SHE does. You will NEVER get her into a place where she is OK with YOU and DH having a say over your own children.

For your DHs other siblings BOTH to be estranged says MUCH. It says that YOUR DH needs to do the same. Seriously.

This is a classic control/abuse dynamic, your poor DH has grown up with it and is the last one left, which makes it harder for him to do what he has to do to protect his family. Your DH needs to understand that he grew up in a deeply flawed and abusive environment, and he'll need help getting over it.

The ONLY way to deal with this is to be strong and to NOT put up with any of it. But the easier option long term is to cut them out of your lives too.

Please check the Stately Homes Thread, perhaps you or your DH could benefit from the advice/support there. The Toxic Parents/Inlaws books are a great source of help too.

All the best, be strong and focus on what you know you have to do. Protect your family unit.

Can you not speak to them and point out that their behaviour is only going to lead to them never seeing their grandchild as has happened with their other daughter and son?

I really think you both need to show a united front and make sure they understand this behaviour will not be tolerated.

I agree on the united front, but I also very much agree about keeping your DD away from them too. More for her sake if they are insulting her. Fat isn't a class issue, I see plenty of skinny poor people and fat wealthy people. What it will do it harm your family. I think it's ok to tell her that if she and her husband can't behave (since he is also condoning this) they won't get to misbehave around your child. They have no right to act as they please around you.

And please do speak with your DH, see if he can discuss this with his sister and half brother and perhaps they can talk some sense into him. It's hard acknowledging your parents are twats. Believe me, I know!

god don't send her a bloody present. she sees your baby more often than some, many have parents living overseas.

don't do it!! It speaks volumes that others in her family are estranged from her, and she seems to be grasping at this grandchild as a last chance.

I think what's holding me back from cutting them out completely is the fear that my husband will become depressed and miss his parents. He has a tendency to excuse everything they do. For instance, he said yesterday that he knows his mother is very damaged, and that's why she behaves as she does. They are in their mid-70s, and I'm scared that if I force him to cut ties, then when they die, he will be terribly remorse-stricken. It would be easier if they were younger.

Can´t you cut ties for yourself & child?

Or would he not be able to cope with that?

I do think it´s awful that you & your daughter should be subjected to them because he can´t/won´t stand up to them or stop seeing them.

Diddl, I think DH would be subjected to unbearable pressure if we did that. He would also be disinherited (they already did that to DH's half-brother). I don't care financially if he gets disinherited, but I think the emotional aspect of being disinherited would be very painful for my DH - a final punch from beyond the grave.

I think if you and he read the Toxic Parents/Inlaws books, THEN see how you feel as a couple, THEN he ought to meet his sister and brother and talk about things honestly and openly. Ask THEM how they dealt with the guilty (which they WILL have felt, and still do probably)

Only then can your DH make any decision. It has to be his decision to cut his parents from his life.

YOU can however refuse to see them, and you can discuss/limit/exclude access to your DD if you feel it appropriate.

I think you and DH would really benefit from having a frank, open discussion with his siblings.

DH half brother could only be disinherited from your entire family if your DH and his siblings allow it to be. They could divvy up their shares to re-include him if they wanted to. Again, a meeting with like-minded siblings would easily thwart them in any final slaps dealt by these abusive manipulative people. It'd be in EVERYONE'S best interests to come to a secret arrangement.

Happyhissy - You are absolutely right about redistributing the inheritance. But families being as they are (especially this one), I couldn't see that happening. DH's eldest son is out of contact with everyone - his full siblings, his step-siblings, his half-sibling (my DH) and his father and -wicked- step-mother,

that should have been wicked step-mother !

The eldest DS cut ties with everyone so as not to get sucked back in, is he the only 'half' sibling? It might be now that everyone involved is on the same page as it were, that contact could be re-established.

Where there is a will, there is a way.... :D

Even if you couldn't track him down initially, a share could still be put aside for him, for when contact IS made. All these children have suffered so much at the hands of your ILs...

Well of course there is no inheritance until they both die.

There might be nothing for them to leave by then!

TBH I´d consider it a small price to pay-anyone who can treat a child like that-they´re not worth bothering with imo.

I am very concerned that this will happen in the future, and undermine my daughter's view of me.

Unlikely. They sound as though they aren't very good at maintaining positive relationships with family members.

If your husband wants to maintain contact with them, that is his right. However, I think you are also within your rights to be distant but polite. Invite them round for afternoon tea a couple of times a year and give yourself a day off when your DH takes your daughter to see them.

As your daughter is a baby, it may not be practical for you to spend much time apart from her for a year or so, therefore your DH won't be able to take her to see them that much. If they can't be a bit more charming, that is their problem.

Is your husband the only one in regular contact with his parents?

If so, is that why he feels such pressure?

I think your MIL sounds lovely.

As they have money, have you thought about them building an annex onto your house so they can live with you? That way you could trawl car boot sales for other peoples' trash for your baby together.

Another thought - I know of some families who become estranged not so much because of any one issue, but because they have a family culture of making stupid threats and having dramatic arguments and winding each other up.

They are not dead yet, so who knows what each sibling will inherit? Threatening disinheritance is classic manipulative, disfuncional behaviour. (How do they even know they will have any money when they die?)

I think the best thing to do is not engage. She is your MIL, not your mother. You do not have to maintain a close relationship with her, but you can be distantly polite and let your DH manage his own relationship with her.

Personally I would dump her; but I am probably definitely not as nice as you.

Maybe, being a new mum (I remember that) with the first it all seems very important that the wider family unit works because the world looks different after you've had a baby and you want to consolidate the world your child will inhabit.

Instead of taking it seriously, you could laugh at her with your DH, and roll your eyes as you hold up the latest piece of trash offered.

Also at Christmas I would go to a carboot and buy the most horrid third-hand hairbrush set (preferrably with hair still attached!) and give it to her as a pressie.

Also, sorry me again, you have forgotten the RULE.

The RULE is that mummy can buy second-hand appropriate kit when she feels like it. But other people should buy new or NOT BOTHER.

Don't worry that you will be undermined.

Your DD will see you as normal, and others as different. My MIL has always tried to undermine me - trying to get the DC to criticise my cooking when I am out of the room getting pudding, that sort of thing. Because of my good relationship with my DC, they rightly think she is a bit barmy, not me.

Also, re the fat thing, my DS was a veeeery fat (BF) baby. He is now a bean pole, at 8yo. He has never been on a weight reducing diet!

I'm with diddi. It's dirty money if you have to just stick around a) to please some nasty old people and b) to get their money. Besides, it's not an admirable trait in the first place.

I hope you can distance yourself from the out of liners.