MIL meltdown

[seoladair]

Please give gentle answers - I am feeling bad, and am looking for kind advice, not a debate...

Since I became pregnant, my MIL has become very controlling and intrusive. My baby is now 14 months old, and we had a bit of a meltdown when she was just 6 weeks. There were lots of issues, for instance her saying "that baby is very fat" - you should put her on a diet", when she was 6 weeks old. She also got angry because my husband and I chose a hospital near my parents instead of near my ILs.

I have struggled all year to keep everything on an even keel but we had a meltdown yesterday over a small, silly thing - she has given us endless junk for the baby. I am in favour of second-hand things, but only if they are in good condition. She knows this well, but ignores it. DH and I have managed to tactfully reject 2 second-hand car-seats in the past year, and we've explained why.

Yesterday DH (a very tactful, gentle man) said that we wouldn't need the second-hand potty and stained loo-seat cover she had acquired for our baby. She also had some toys that were filthy. One of them looked as though it had been chewed by a dog.

An explosion of Vesuvian proportions ensued.

She was hollering at me in front of my baby, who got upset. I am very concerned that this will happen in the future, and undermine my daughter's view of me.

I also suspect that it's a control issue. She said "We do things our way", to which I replied "no, DH and I are baby's parents, so we would prefer to do things our way".Although they are a wealthy family I'm not saying they should spend much on my baby- I'm just tired of the emotional blackmail that accompanies the grubby pieces of baby junk, and would rather she didn't get it for us.

She also said she was very angry that I was only staying 2 nights. I stayed with them 3 weeks ago, also for 2 nights, and MIL babysat at our place 2 weeks ago, yet she was complaining that she doesn't ever see the baby. She also complained that my parents see more of the baby (not really true - sometimes they do, other times ILs see more of her - it just depends on what DH and I are doing).

Her daughter is estranged from her - I don't want the same thing to happen. I do want my daughter to know her paternal GM, but am concerned that I will be undermined more and more as my daughter grows up.

Sorry it's long....

I'll try.....

Why do you 'have' to go? No you don't have to do anything - you can choose what you do. Why don't you just start standing up for yourselves and stay home this year?

Or go to your parents instead

Start standing up for what you want

Yes - I did my Christmas Day duty last year. Part of me is saying I should just give in and have one rubbish day for the sake of keeping the peace, but you can never please a narcissist.
There's another MN thread either on here or on AIBU about someone who has gone to Sunday lunch with her MIL for 16 years and is getting a hard time for trying to break the pattern. At least I'm not in as bad a situation as that, but it's the same principle - DH attends Christmas every year so the idea that he would break the pattern would be a huge deal.

But it does appear that between them, your MIL and FIL have plenty of other offspring to come on Christmas day.

I'm sure it would be nice for your parents to see all 3 of you on Christmas.

Well done on your progress so far. Do you feel any better for it? Do you feel more in control?

Hmm,I feel better I think, but I'm not sure I feel more in control. All my resolve crumbles in front of MIL. I was shaking when she was yelling.
DH, baba and I are going on holiday tomorrow. He's sweetly excited about our trip. He is lovely - it's horrible for him to have a mother like that.

Your H can't have his cake and eat it here.

The two of you need to see a counsellor and your H needs to see one on his own.

This is going to be hard for him but he is the key here.

Cross the Christmas bridge when you come to it. The thing to remember is that you don't have to do anything. You don't even have to answer the phone when they call.

Do not leave this woman alone with your child.

And no more staying over, or sharing information about yourselves or the baby. That is just offering yourselves up to them on a plate. You both need to get tough and wise up. This woman takes no prisoners.

'I asked him why he is expected to attend Christmas every single year while his half-siblings only have to go on alternate years. Apparently it's because he's the only child of both MIL and FIL. We're always expected to arrive by 4 pm at the lastest on Xmas Eve, so we can attend the church service. '
No, it's because he is the only one who never stood up for himself.

The response to a tantrum is 'I'm sorry you feel that way'.

to CMF!
It's true - he has never really stood up to her. He never rebelled, not even as a teenager, apparently.
I'm scared about getting him to open up to a counsellor - I don't want him to crumble through the trauma of it all.

Crumble?! Bloody hell. Look, either you reclaim your livesand stand up to her or don't and live miserable lives bowing down to her and teaching your child that this is normal.

Sorry to sound harsh but that's how it looks. Please just live how you want ro live!

Counselling is far more likely to help him stand up to her than to make him crumble. Sort term, he ayfindit hard, as he would probably have a fair amount of reassessing to do, but in the longer term it will make him stronger.

You don't have to tolerate this. You just don't.

I'd tell your MIL that she is on a final warning. Any more tantrums, hysteria or blatant rudeness and she will not see you or your child again. I'd tell your DH this is now your position. And stick to it. Because you don't want your child to grow up with this - it's not as bad as parents who behave this way, but it still exposes them to damaging conflict. And at least with GP it's avoidable.

I don't see and can't stand my own MIL, incidentally, but I try hard to promote a relationship with my DS, and send my DH off to stay with her for a few days every few months. She's a selfish manipulative control freak (seriously, I could write a book) but her behaviour is covert enough that I don't worry about emotional damage to DS, not when his main base is stable. Screaming and shrieking about things as your MIL does is different, and would terrify most kids. Totally deal-breaking behaviour.

I'd also point out that there are no rights where kids are concerned. Just responsibilities. People screaming about rights are usually selfish arses, in my experience. Rights over kids - God.

My MIl is hell on wheels and one of the most self absorbed people I've ever met. She lies constantly and makes her poor exhusband's life a misery. But she's not toxic enough that I'd think contact with DS was harmful. Your MIL and I really, really would.

Your husband did go for Christmas until he had his own child.

This year you are having Christmas the two of you, but they are free to visit tea time/Boxing Day if they would like too.

As are your parents.

Foot.Down! You have a young baby, you are not travelling. Ridiculous!

Interesting point about your parents being diplomatic and staying out of it when DD was born and your DH was crap.

What do they say about your situation, sorry if i missed it but dont they also like to have you all at christmas?

My pils went mad when my DD was born but they were let in, in to the house where my DF was staying by my DF!!! My df was going mad because in HIS opionon my DH was not " cleaning " enough and even wrote us a letter to say that that house was not clean enough and that my DH was " man handling" the baby too much!!!!

The difference between my PILS critising me and my DF being rude to DH is that in my mind its absoluty clear that I will not tolerate my DF being rude to DH>

I had no probs with defending DH to my DF. However I am also aware that DF knows what he can loose should he push us too far, I know he knows that and hence there is humilty there and something to work with.

Christmas is a flash point in our house every year too. My DF is alone and by himself so we usually have him every year - in past we have invited PILS over but we have been told there are too many " strangers" in our house for thier extended family to meet and our house isnt " clean " enough, but they wont invite my DF there!!!

The compromise has been xmas eve in the past which has been MILS important day as she is foreign, BUT now DD is old enough - opening all her presents on xmas eve has ruined it for me xmas day!

Seo - its been a long long hard road with these people - i just never in my wildest dreams could have imagined the trouble these pils have brought into my life....BUT once there is a break in the situation, a small crack, once you decide you will not tolerate things - it does become much clearer and easier otherwise you are constantly swaying and feeling sorry for DH then feeling sorry for MIL, then FIL,. but NOONE is feeling sorry for you.

once you start to take charge and say enough is enough it does become much simpler and easier., sometimes humans do respond well to clear cut rules!

Lots of people I know do rota at xmas, one at home by themselves, one with pils, one with thier own DP's.

Your MIL in my mind has totally ruined any chance of you and DD being there at christmas. there must be a consqence to her actions....

I wouldnt worry about it- I would tell DH very cleary - you can forget xmas at MILS, I am not putting myself through it, i am not i think more of myself than doing this I am not a sacrifical goat for mil to make herself feel better by bullying me.

IF she can prive to me over the next year - that she will learn to respect me or get on for your sake - and make the efforts I have made - then I might consider xmas there next year but I am not going to be a martyr to this un happy woman ANY LONGER, my life is precious as is DD's! and life is short.

If something nasty happened to you tomorow do you really want to have your last hours spent worrying about this unhappy lady?

I used to dread xmas every year too - lots of poor DILS do!

This year I am asking DH to tell them we are away for a month - so no dropping off of presents etc....and certianly not going there over xmas.

This year - we will - god willing have a new baby they do not even know about - nor will they.

I cant tell you how free it feels to have this baby without thier negative cloud - and to think this year - we can just be ourselves etc....

with us though - its the aunts and grandparenTS i HAVE felt sorry for missing out on DH because of the pilS...this year - I dont even care about them..if they cant wake up and smell the coffee that DH is bullied by PILS then thats thier problem not ours!

Freedom from caring!

We went to my parents/his parents before we had children.

I firmly believe that children like waking up on Christmas morning in their own home. Now I take it in turns with other siblings (mine and DH's) to invite them to our houses.

My parents are a bit overwhelming and politically very different to DH and I, but loving, adore DS, and (above all) they respect boundaries, so we all have a good relationship.

His parents are toxic in the extreme, and we maintain civil but minimal email-contact. My theory is: MIL, you had two children of your own. Your selfishness very nearly ruined their lives, certainly made their childhoods unhappy (including cold, left alone at very young ages, and frequently hungry!)... but the lies and manipulation were much worse than any of that. You're not doing that to any child of mine.

(I realise it's easier for me to say that, OP, because DH had more or less cut contact with them before I met him, they were so bad. It was only at my lobbying that they were actually invited to the wedding, and we did a Christmas at their house. They played up once after that, and we were out of there so fast they didn't blink, and it's been emails/occasional phone chats about DS ever since. It really helps that DH and I agree on this one, and I think you need to get yours onside, pronto. Good luck!)

Hey OP,

How have things been going? Has MIL toned down her behaviour?

Sorry, haven't been checking for a while. Now I'm back because things are getting difficult again. Thanks for your post Beryl.

I haven't seen MIL since the meltdown at the end of July.

DH was staying with his parents for a few days last week while I was away. MIL has been working on him again. In a nutshell, she is demanding to babysit again.

Yesterday we were planning childcare for my part-time work.

There's a day our usual babysitter can't do, and I was planning to arrange for a friend to look after DD when DH said his mum would do it. I reminded him that after her spectacular outburst in front of DD a few weeks ago, we had agreed she could only have supervised access to DD.

We then had a big argument, and he said
"I'm going to have to be firm about this - it's sensible to save money by using my mother (Seoladair's MIL) for childcare."

I hated his use of the word "firm" and said
"I am not a child for you to be firm with".

That's the kind of thing MIL would say, and my DH does have a tendency to quote people almost verbatim, so I know that after spending a few days with her, he has been told in no uncertain terms to be "firm" with me.

Sometimes I fantasise about leaving him, amicably, so I can cut all ties with ILs, while maintaining a good relationship with him. But I don't want to leave him, I do love him - the problem is his mother.

BTW, to anyone who has just read this post without reading the thread, it might sound as though I am cruelly stopping MIL from babysitting. Please read the beginning of the thread first!

Bump...

Hello, OP

I've read your whole thread with interest, concern and not a small level of alarm. Your MIL sounds like a total revolving nightmare. And sadly, your DH is not awfully supportive, is he?

How did he react when you told him that you were not a child to be firm with? Has he understood you and more importantly, taken what you've said on board?

Well, he was immediately alarmed when I said I was not a child to be firm with, and he told me how much he loves me and our daughter.
He is like a reed being blown in the wind. If he spends time with his parents, he behaves like this. When he's away from them, he's more supportive.

He said it's just nonsense to say that MIL can't ever babysit. But from my point of view, if there is no sanction on her behaviour, she will carry on behaving horribly when she feels like it.

sounds like he is still in her thrall, and indeed that she was working on him while he stayed at theirs to babysit your DD

What does it say about him that he is now being "firm" with you in order to placate his mother?

Sadly, this will be his continued MO until such time as he chooses to examine his relationship with her - which might be never.

He is like a reed being blown in the wind.

It's more than that, I think: he most likely believes that it is his job to keep everybody happy, and hasn't come to terms with the fact that conflict is inevitable, sometimes, and not necesarily a bad thing. That neither he nor anyone can keep all of the people happy all of the time (in this situation: both his mother and you). And in all this, he is probably completely disconnected with what he himself wants.

Maybe try asking him what he wants. Don't let him say "for you and my mother both to be happy". What does he want for himself.

I'll wager he doesn't have a clue. Few enabling types think they have a right to their own wants and needs.