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Original poster

MIL meltdown

239 replies

seoladair · 29/07/2012 11:42

Please give gentle answers - I am feeling bad, and am looking for kind advice, not a debate...

Since I became pregnant, my MIL has become very controlling and intrusive. My baby is now 14 months old, and we had a bit of a meltdown when she was just 6 weeks. There were lots of issues, for instance her saying "that baby is very fat" - you should put her on a diet", when she was 6 weeks old. She also got angry because my husband and I chose a hospital near my parents instead of near my ILs.

I have struggled all year to keep everything on an even keel but we had a meltdown yesterday over a small, silly thing - she has given us endless junk for the baby. I am in favour of second-hand things, but only if they are in good condition. She knows this well, but ignores it. DH and I have managed to tactfully reject 2 second-hand car-seats in the past year, and we've explained why.

Yesterday DH (a very tactful, gentle man) said that we wouldn't need the second-hand potty and stained loo-seat cover she had acquired for our baby. She also had some toys that were filthy. One of them looked as though it had been chewed by a dog.

An explosion of Vesuvian proportions ensued.

She was hollering at me in front of my baby, who got upset. I am very concerned that this will happen in the future, and undermine my daughter's view of me.

I also suspect that it's a control issue. She said "We do things our way", to which I replied "no, DH and I are baby's parents, so we would prefer to do things our way".Although they are a wealthy family I'm not saying they should spend much on my baby- I'm just tired of the emotional blackmail that accompanies the grubby pieces of baby junk, and would rather she didn't get it for us.

She also said she was very angry that I was only staying 2 nights. I stayed with them 3 weeks ago, also for 2 nights, and MIL babysat at our place 2 weeks ago, yet she was complaining that she doesn't ever see the baby. She also complained that my parents see more of the baby (not really true - sometimes they do, other times ILs see more of her - it just depends on what DH and I are doing).

Her daughter is estranged from her - I don't want the same thing to happen. I do want my daughter to know her paternal GM, but am concerned that I will be undermined more and more as my daughter grows up.

Sorry it's long....

OP posts:
Original poster
seoladair · 29/07/2012 19:34

Love the annexe idea, and the car-boot sales! And the dirty old hairbrush set!

My husband is not the only one in contact - MIL's other son is vaguely in touch with her, (though she complains he never gives her any news i.e. won't let her run his life! His sister is the estranged one) and FIL's daughters are in touch (their brother is also estranged)

OP posts:
monsterchild · 29/07/2012 19:57

i also think that if your relationship with DD is good, she will join you in the mocking of MIL. That's what my nieces and nephews do with my DM. She's not as bad as your MIL, but she's a pill and extremely controlling. Terrible at manipulation, though! That being said, how about a heart to heart with DH and set some boundaries. Of course he loves his mother, but he needs to shift focus to his DD now too! If he knows she is damaged, he needs to stop making excuses and start protecting DD from the stress.

Perhaps the vague approach would work? it sounds promising...

Original poster
seoladair · 29/07/2012 20:55

That's a good angle - he loves our daughter dearly, so I will say it's unhealthy for her to be exposed to such unstable behaviour.

OP posts:
50shadesofslapntickle · 29/07/2012 22:56

Please think about what you are exposing your daughter to by exposing her to this idiot. Your husband is already damaged - don't let then damage your daughter too - and they WILL damage her if you stay exposed to them.

She is a deranged bully. Have the strength to cut ties with her. Being around her gives you nothing positive and is BAD for your child. I repeat - it is BAD for your child.

olgaga · 29/07/2012 23:29

I think you need to ask yourself whether you actually want these people anywhere near your daughter at all. If they are drinkers the problem is only going to get worse, not better. You say "I do want my daughter to know her paternal GM" - but why? Why do you want her to be mixing with people who are likely to make offensive, derogatory comments with the deliberate intention of hurting people's feelings? It won't be long before she understands what's being said as well as being upset by the tone and volume.

So what if your DH is "used to it". Is that what he wants for his daughter? What on earth can will she gain from it?

You say your DH is "a very tactful, gentle man" yet he thinks their "bad seems normal becuase he grew up with it" Well that's quite a contradiction. If he is indeed a tactful, gentle man then he must be aware that their behaviour is not normal. He needs to realise that your daughter is a child and it is his job to protect her, and you, from that kind of behaviour.

Is there another reason why your DH is so keen not to offend them? You say they are wealthy. His half sister is estranged. Is he so keen on his anticipated inheritance that he is putting that before the best interests of you and your daughter?

olgaga · 29/07/2012 23:42

Sorry for the editing mistakes - I'm sure you get the drift!

I think you have been remarkably patient, btw - but you will find that as your daughter gets older you will get more worried about her witnessing that kind of behaviour.

If your DH does love your DD the way you say he does, he should be worried too. Enough to actually do something about it - no matter how much he loves his parents, and how kind and gentle he is.

angeltattoo · 29/07/2012 23:42

What everyone else said. Do not engage, react calmly and tell her you will nit be treated that way by her. Then leave, or ask her to leave. And repeat as necessary.

And stop staying there - as a grown up with a home and a baby, why on earth would you stay there 4 nights over 3 weeks? It sounds like they live quite close to you if you see that much of them, so are overnights necessary?

Don't feel guilty about your DH, you are allowed to, and should, stand up for yourself. You do nt have to take abuse from her unless you let her get away with it.

pippop1 · 30/07/2012 02:03

And I think you said she babysat? This needs to stop or she will say inappropriate things to your child when you are out. Stop before the child is old enough to understand i.e. now!

MableLabel · 30/07/2012 02:30

I can only tell you how I would handle this. I would calmly tell her that she is an important part of your family and you care about her and appreciate her input into her grandchild's life, but you won't allow her to speak to you like that. Her son and you are your child's parents and although you appreciate her input, the decision on what to do, how to do it and when is up to you. Then I'd leave it at that and tell her to let you know how she feels about that when she's had chance to really think about it. Tell her the ball is in her court, but respect is non-negotiable.

diddl · 30/07/2012 08:18

She treats you & by extension your daughter badly.

What does that also show about her respect for her own son?

And what does that show about his feelings for you & his daughter?

That he´d rather the two of you be upset than his mum-because you fuss less/because he cares less?

mybabyweightiseightyearsold · 30/07/2012 08:32

What Mabel said.

And, when my MIL gifts revolting tat that she rescued from a skip (!) I accept it gracefully. And then it disappears, and she NEVER asks about it again - I think once it's gifted it vanishes from her mind as she's busy scavenging the next delight for us.

It might be junk - but, it's a gift. Be polite - it's much easier than explaining why you didn't want the rat chewed, piss stained car seat...

And then, what Mabel said some more.

NagooingForGold · 30/07/2012 08:45

Babyweight, she can't do that if the crap stays at mils and she is expected to use it while MIL watches!

I agree with all the advice to leave as soon as she starts kicking off.

Why DO you stay over so often?

AKissIsNotAContract · 30/07/2012 09:07

So fat is a class issue but using a shit stained seat cover isn't. I sympathise, she sounds awful. 'Toxic parents' helped me to deal with my parents so hopefully Toxic inlaws will be of some use to you.

letseatgrandma · 30/07/2012 09:50

Deffo give up staying there-is there a reason why that happens so much? If you do have to go, then take everything you need with you, so that when she tells you to use xyz, you can say 'no need, I've bought our one-she's used to it.'

My MIL said lots of stupid things when my DC were tiny -'you're not feeding him again are you?', 'bf babies can get overweight, you know', 'Haven't you started weaning/potty training/removing nappies at night yet-my own babies were birthed eating crudities and reading Chaucer' etc etc I ignored lots of it and chewed the inside of my mouth a lot rather than argue, but ignored it and did my own thing all of the time! It averted lots of arguments.

If she shouts at you though-just leave immediately and tell her you'll talk when she's calmer.

Original poster
seoladair · 30/07/2012 10:19

Thanks ladies. I think the single most important thing is that my daughter could be harmed emotionally by witnessing MIL's tantrums. And yes, I am very uneasy about her babysitting alone now. DD is only 14 months, but I can already imagine when she's older that MIL will say things I don't approve of i.e. negative things about me! Last month she was whispering to the baby, and DH said jokily "Mum, what are you saying?" MIL replied "I'm not telling you - I have my secrets with baby". Harmless just now, but that sort of thing will rile me once baby can speak.

I like the suggestion of saying "Respect is non-negotiable". That sounds calm, mature and sensible, and I don't see how she could complain about that.

I will be placing my order for "Toxic In-Laws" today!

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HotDAMNlifeisgood · 30/07/2012 10:24

Whispering secrets in the baby's ear is not harmless: it's meant to create a divide between you and your own baby. Even if the baby doesn't yet understand, this is a clear message that MIL is passing to you.

She is vile.

TheHappyHissy · 30/07/2012 10:34

I was in an airport departure lounge last month. 3 women, 2 DC, one a toddler, the other a baby were sat beside me.

The mother of the children (the youngest woman) went off to get a drink. As soon as she was out of earshot the oldest woman turned to the toddler and said "you're bloody naughty you are" in a kind of jokey voice. The toddler smiled, confused, and the old woman repeated it over and over and over and over again. I literally lost count. She then turned to the baby and said "... and you are Bloody lovely!"

I was Shock UTTERLY horrified.

The mother of the babies came back, all fine and dandy.

When she went off again to the loo I think, the oldest woman IMMEDIATELY started up again. Saying the same thing over and over and over. "you're bloody naughty you are, you're bloody naughty, you're bloody naughty, you're bloody naughty ...."

then... "you're bloody naughty. Your mother's bloody useless, you're bloody naughty, and the baby's bloody lovely."

I was almost sick on the spot. I left the area and went and stood somewhere waiting for our infernally delayed flight to board. I so wanted to tell the young mother what had been going on, but was terrified of it all kicking off. I was on my own with my 6yo. Sad HE was in shock himself poor chap.

Your MIL has some very odd and dangerous ideas of how to raise children, she needs to be kept away from your DC and your family unit. Trust your instincts.

WhereYouLeftIt · 30/07/2012 10:46

Shock with TheHappyHissy. THat is just so awful and so deliberate!

Original poster
seoladair · 30/07/2012 10:56

Shock These poor kids Angry Sad

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CogitoErgOlympics · 30/07/2012 11:10

"What do you mean in the first sentence?"

I mean that you must be standing up for yourself pretty well or she wouldn't be so peeved. If you were rolling over playing doormat, she'd have nothing to complain about.

WhereYouLeftIt · 30/07/2012 11:12

Someone who takes pleasure in complaining can always find another 'reason', regardless of how many they're complaining about already.

Original poster
seoladair · 30/07/2012 11:26

Cogito - yes, that does make sense. I think she's irritated by how well baba has turned out.
But it's also true, as WhereyouLeftIt says, that she criticises everything even if there's nothing to criticise.
i.e.
Me a few weeks ago - "HV has weighed and measured baba and says she's in perfect proportion" (after months of MIL) saying she's too fat)
MIL - "Oh good. We were terribly worried about her weight".

or even when she was a day old in hospital:

Proud DH - "What do you think of her, Mum?"
MIL - Well, the top half's OK. (Her little legs were still bendy from being in the womb)

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elizaregina · 30/07/2012 11:34

I would be very worried about the fat comment, in these times I think its dangerous to mention weight, my MIL is obsessed with people being FAT too....and tbh its not something i want to cross my DD mind until she is in much much older....( my DD is very slim).

Re the tat, agree to just take it and dump it - are you on freecyle? you could list it - and someone would come nad take it off you almost immedialty so you dont even need to handle it - you could leave it in hallway and get rid....

I feel really sorry for you and DH, it would be much easier if you didnt have to see them as much...I think your very very brave for staying over in such a household TBH.

I can see however your dreadful problem with thier age .....

I suppose someone has already suggested relate!

diddl · 30/07/2012 11:37

"Proud DH - "What do you think of her, Mum?"
MIL - Well, the top half's OK. "

Isn´t the problem that your husband was seeking approval?

It wouldn´t have occurred to me to ask what anyone thoughtor tha parents/ILs would be any less than thrilled.

Original poster
seoladair · 30/07/2012 11:50

Yes - DH once said he still has no idea to this day whether his mother is proud of him or thinks he's up to much.

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