MIL meltdown

[seoladair]

Please give gentle answers - I am feeling bad, and am looking for kind advice, not a debate...

Since I became pregnant, my MIL has become very controlling and intrusive. My baby is now 14 months old, and we had a bit of a meltdown when she was just 6 weeks. There were lots of issues, for instance her saying "that baby is very fat" - you should put her on a diet", when she was 6 weeks old. She also got angry because my husband and I chose a hospital near my parents instead of near my ILs.

I have struggled all year to keep everything on an even keel but we had a meltdown yesterday over a small, silly thing - she has given us endless junk for the baby. I am in favour of second-hand things, but only if they are in good condition. She knows this well, but ignores it. DH and I have managed to tactfully reject 2 second-hand car-seats in the past year, and we've explained why.

Yesterday DH (a very tactful, gentle man) said that we wouldn't need the second-hand potty and stained loo-seat cover she had acquired for our baby. She also had some toys that were filthy. One of them looked as though it had been chewed by a dog.

An explosion of Vesuvian proportions ensued.

She was hollering at me in front of my baby, who got upset. I am very concerned that this will happen in the future, and undermine my daughter's view of me.

I also suspect that it's a control issue. She said "We do things our way", to which I replied "no, DH and I are baby's parents, so we would prefer to do things our way".Although they are a wealthy family I'm not saying they should spend much on my baby- I'm just tired of the emotional blackmail that accompanies the grubby pieces of baby junk, and would rather she didn't get it for us.

She also said she was very angry that I was only staying 2 nights. I stayed with them 3 weeks ago, also for 2 nights, and MIL babysat at our place 2 weeks ago, yet she was complaining that she doesn't ever see the baby. She also complained that my parents see more of the baby (not really true - sometimes they do, other times ILs see more of her - it just depends on what DH and I are doing).

Her daughter is estranged from her - I don't want the same thing to happen. I do want my daughter to know her paternal GM, but am concerned that I will be undermined more and more as my daughter grows up.

Sorry it's long....

ok, i misremembered it a bit (actually Im sure that was the translation because it sunk in hard, but it must have been a different translation).

it's Colossians 3:21

New International Version
Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.

[http://biblehub.com/colossians/3-21.htm here]

So i misremembered it a bit but the principle is pretty much the same. Parents, treat your children well so they don't become bitter / discouraged / overwhelmed.

will that help?

sigh, sleepless from the baby .... here biblehub.com/colossians/3-21.htm

Fab, thanks. Hope you get some sleep soon!

You can't let her go if he can't look after her properly for a couple of nights. And if I were in your shoes, I wouldn't go myself.
It sounds like your DH is still enabling his mother at your expense. Could you have another serious chat with him? Or does he not really listen any more?

Sorry that was in response to your first post about DH taking DD away.

Yes, he listens, but when he's on his own with her, she shouts at him and I think he gets so panicky and confused that he just tries anything to keep her happy.

I was so hurt yesterday that he could even think I would hand over our child to MIL for a week without me being there. It seemed like he had understood none of the issues which have arisen around MIL since our daughter was born. But he does understand, it's just that he blanks everything out in an effort to placate her. His urge to please her is so strong that he forgets everything else.

I think you do need to say that no, you don't trust your husband to put the needs of your child first when your MIL is on the scene.

Your husband's actions are part of the problem.

Oh seoladair I've just read the whole thread and I so feel for you! I have a similar situation but I managed to nip it in the bud early on because of sone wise words from my own mother. You are currently trying to deal with the situation by being nice kind and sensible.... but that doesn't work on irrational cowbags, it just makes them think you're a doormat. You need to become a diva- I know, I know, it doesn't come naturally to me either, but to protect your daughter, your marriage and your sanity, YOU have to be the one calling the shots.

And to be the one everyone panders to and tiptoes around you have to kick up a fuss, start overreacting to every little thing, so that they won't even SUGGEST crap like this holiday. You want them to be whispering to each other 'you don't want to get on the wrong side of her!'. As soon as everyone behaves you can be kind and reasonable, but one little putdown and you need to blow the roof off. Don't rein yourself in. Don't worry about if you're being quite reasonable enough.

I used to bend over backwards to make everyone happy and got no respect from the ILs and was miserable. Everyone is very nice to me now :-)

Ps I told my husband he had to pick who he was going to piss off, me or his mother with her ludicrous demands, and reminded him that he has to live with me. If your husband is prioritising his mother's happiness over yours I'd suggest he'd be better off living with her. And mean it.

LadyAlys said "Ps I told my husband he had to pick who he was going to piss off, me or his mother with her ludicrous demands, and reminded him that he has to live with me."

Actually, I had that very conversation with him last night. Poor thing though, he said that he does stand up to her, but it just results in even more shouting. I told him he needs to just walk away and not engage in the shouting. I said each time she shouts at him he should stay away for a few months, but I don't think he's strong enough to do that.

I had that problem too... basically you have to stop feeling sorry for your husband. He is choosing to continue to allow this behaviour and is trying to make life easier for himself by making you and your child unhappy. He is prioritising a quiet life for himself over happiness for you.

Tell him that.

I'm sorry. It sound shit. I don't really know what to say. But have some and a glass of

I think your husband needs to go see a counsellor to talk through his relationship with his parents tbh.
Unless and until he processes it all and accepts that their dynamic is not healthy, I think you will always be on the outside struggling for his loyalty.
If he won't agree to this then I don't see what more you can do tbh. This isn't about you or the baby or even your MIL really. It is about the fact that your husband is deeply scarred by his childhood and needs to deal with that for himself.

Well, at least he accepts that. He says he was damaged by his childhood, so he knows there's a problem. But I can't see him going to counselling.

In a way I do feel on the outside. He loves me and our daughter, but views his mother as the boss, a sort of she-who-must-be-obeyed figure. There's another MIL thread just now where mention was made of the OP and her child being seen by the MIL as a sort of satellite of MIL's family rather than as the core of the family. I totally relate to that.