MIL meltdown

[seoladair]

Please give gentle answers - I am feeling bad, and am looking for kind advice, not a debate...

Since I became pregnant, my MIL has become very controlling and intrusive. My baby is now 14 months old, and we had a bit of a meltdown when she was just 6 weeks. There were lots of issues, for instance her saying "that baby is very fat" - you should put her on a diet", when she was 6 weeks old. She also got angry because my husband and I chose a hospital near my parents instead of near my ILs.

I have struggled all year to keep everything on an even keel but we had a meltdown yesterday over a small, silly thing - she has given us endless junk for the baby. I am in favour of second-hand things, but only if they are in good condition. She knows this well, but ignores it. DH and I have managed to tactfully reject 2 second-hand car-seats in the past year, and we've explained why.

Yesterday DH (a very tactful, gentle man) said that we wouldn't need the second-hand potty and stained loo-seat cover she had acquired for our baby. She also had some toys that were filthy. One of them looked as though it had been chewed by a dog.

An explosion of Vesuvian proportions ensued.

She was hollering at me in front of my baby, who got upset. I am very concerned that this will happen in the future, and undermine my daughter's view of me.

I also suspect that it's a control issue. She said "We do things our way", to which I replied "no, DH and I are baby's parents, so we would prefer to do things our way".Although they are a wealthy family I'm not saying they should spend much on my baby- I'm just tired of the emotional blackmail that accompanies the grubby pieces of baby junk, and would rather she didn't get it for us.

She also said she was very angry that I was only staying 2 nights. I stayed with them 3 weeks ago, also for 2 nights, and MIL babysat at our place 2 weeks ago, yet she was complaining that she doesn't ever see the baby. She also complained that my parents see more of the baby (not really true - sometimes they do, other times ILs see more of her - it just depends on what DH and I are doing).

Her daughter is estranged from her - I don't want the same thing to happen. I do want my daughter to know her paternal GM, but am concerned that I will be undermined more and more as my daughter grows up.

Sorry it's long....

That is so horrible.

I just don´t get it-I can´t ever imagine not being proud.

My MIL still goes on about the fact that my husband didn´t get in to grammar school & how he was a "round peg in a square hole" at the comp!

Actually, he would probably have been ridiculed for his parents/upbringing had he gone to the grammar

He has done better than his parents & gets pointed remarks about "getting paid to sit on his arse".

He is an only child & we have the only GC.

We are abroad-they have never visited-I think that that says it all.

Lucky you - I wish mine would never visit!

Well we did have to move abroad to achieve it!

Horrid comments about the 'fat' baby. WTAF?

Any time she raises her voice, say calmly 'I don't want Mini-seoladair to hear angry voices and arguments' and leave her presence.

Any 'advice' about your baby's weight or anything else, say calmly 'She is mine and DH's baby; we, not you or anyone else, looks out for her health.'

I'd agree that with the stuff she gives you, thank her politely and bin it/give it away/keep it as you see fit. If she asks, explain why you didn't want it and remind her that you've asked her not to give you a lot of stuff. Repeat as necessary.

Your DH needs to support you too. He may have grown up with this and be used to it, but you didn't and you and your family do not have to put up with it.

And congrats on the baby!

More good advice - I am storing it all up for next time....

Oh God hissy, I wish you had said something!

You really need to seriously think about cutting contact with this vile woman

You could sit her down and have a heart to heart with her. "I am awfully worried about you, MIL. You're so rude and bad tempered these days. Do you think you should see the doctor and ask him to check you for Alzheimer's?"

50shades had my 6yo not been there i think i would've done, i took a woman verbally tearing one of her dc limb from limb to task in our village shop a few months back.

Ds was in the car then, the shop owner thanked me, saying they'd tried to tell her every other time she went in there.

I had serious worries that it'd have kicked off in the departure lounge, and i really couldn't have risked that.

DH is away tonight, but we had a long chat earlier. I am feeling quite low after it. He was being supportive, but says he has to be the peacemaker between both sides. I know this is true, but I want him to be more angry on behalf of me and our baby.
I said to him "Did you feel devastated to see your mother laying into me in front of our baby?"
He replied "I didn't like it."
I said "But did you feel furious with your mother"
He said "I wished it wasn't happening"

So he's supportive, but just not enough. He has been so conditioned by his parents since childhood that he finds it hard to openly condemn their behaviour.

I mentioned the estrangements but he said "Oh, these were for totally different reasons". He can't process the idea that his mum's aggressive domineering personality is the binding factor in all three family disputes.

I think you have to focus on what it is that you want.

Do you want your husband to show to you that he shares your opinion of his mother? Are you upset that he doesn't seem to understand your point of view? I think it is fair for you to feel this way, but this is a problem that may take time to resolve and is really more about your relationship with your DH than with your MIL.

On the other hand, do you want your MIL to back off and give your some space? You can say to your DH that you are going to be politely busy (painting the house/doing your training for Rio Olympics etc. etc.) when he sees his mother, apart from maybe once every couple of months when you will make a fleeting visit for a cup of tea and make use of the comebacks advised on this thread when she is difficult. No mediation is necessary on his part. You will conduct your relationship with your MIL on your terms. Your DH may not like this, but there isn't anything he can do about it.

Do you want to restrict time your MIL spends with your DD? This is a difficult one, as I think your husband does have a right to take his daughter to see his mother. You need to be objective and work out what behaviour is non-negotiable, and your husband needs to respect your views whether or not he agrees with them, as you should both respect each other's views on bringing up a child, MIL or no MIL. Again, how you both deal with this is really more about your relationship with each other than your MIL.

I don't agree that your husband has the right to take your baby ro see his mother. You need to ensure you are always present when she sees the baby. I think your husband's attitude towards this is awful - so disrespectful to you and he just doesn't get it does he? It would be a dealbreaker for me, how can you live like this?

Well, in the tragic event that the behaviour of this shouty, bad gift buying MIL were to cause the break up of her son's marriage, he would certainly be taking his daughter to see his mother by himself, so I'm not sure where you're going with that.

He was being supportive, but says he has to be the peacemaker between both sides. I know this is true

No, he doesn't "have" to be. He chooses to be.
Your decision whether you are happy with this choice of his or not.

"I said to him "Did you feel devastated to see your mother laying into me in front of our baby?"
He replied "I didn't like it."
I said "But did you feel furious with your mother"
He said "I wished it wasn't happening" "

I find that quite a shocking conversation. OP, is there a reason why you asked 'did you feel x when y?' rather than 'how did you feel when y?' ? Presumably this exchange was preceded by something else leading you to this?

But, it is clear from his answers that he did not feel what you wanted him to feel, and that he is actually parrying your questions and just trying to soothe you down. Is this because you were in a fury at the time, or does it actually indicate that he sees absolutely nothing wrong with his mother's behaviour?

Merry -

1. I fervently wish he would be more angry on my behalf, but am very sympathetic to his position. He wants everyone to get on, loves his parents unconditionally, and would rather they were nicer people, but accepts them and loves them for who they are.

1. Yes, I want MIL to back off, and DH has suggested this so things are fine on that count.

1. I don't want MIL's unstable behaviour to impact negatively on my child. DH has said in the past that his parents' fighting and separations were horrendous for him as a child. I feel that I will always have to be present after the way she behaved on Saturday.

Hotdamn said *He was being supportive, but says he has to be the peacemaker between both sides. I know this is true^

No, he doesn't "have" to be. He chooses to be.
Your decision whether you are happy with this choice of his or not.*

Yes, that's my dilemma.

Whereyouleftit - he is one of life's peacemakers, and was trying to soothe me. He's always like that, and had to play that role as a child as his parents used to play him off against each other. He is very moderate, and that's one of his strengths, but at the moment I want him to be more on my side. That's why I pushed him on how he felt.

There was an interesting moment in our conversation when he referred back to something he knew his mother had said, which I had quoted. He paraphrased it and sort of translated it downwards from an aggressive bold statement into a mild comment. I asked him if that was how he coped as a child - it's as if in his inner life, he was knowingly tricking his subconscious into thinking his parents were normal nice people, by using euphemisms.

He just laughed and said "Are you analysing me?"

OP, I would be going against the popular opinion on the thread and say that MIL shouting at you, and by staying passive DH giving her backhanded support will undermine you infront of your DC.
I am ready with my fireproof apparel to be flamed but I feel strongly about this.
My DM was constantly belittled by her MIL, my DGM. My DF, loving as he was towards my DM, never stood up to his mother, wanting all parties involved to stay peaceful. They forgot their was a highly impressionable toddler who started assuming her DM's opinions don't matter and she is inexperienced in all aspects of life and her judgement cannot be trusted. It took a long time, well into adulthood, for me to see the situation for what it was.
I know this is extrapolation, but we are a sum of our experiences and this situation rings a bell with me.
Please ensure you are never shouted at by any family infront of your DC. As advised here limit visits, stay polite but firm and retort to the excellent comebacks as suggested here.
Hope this nasty situation gets resolved for you soon.

How can he be a peacemaker when MIL doesn´t want peace-and he isn´t intervening at the time & asking her to calm down(is he?)

Do you need soothing or backing up, OP?

gobble - That's my fear - that DD will see me as someone to be disrespected.

diddl - I guess I just want him to be cross on my behalf in private, instead of soothing me. When it was all kicking off he behaved well, and backed me up, told his mother to stop it, and left when I told him we were leaving.
I managed to bite my tongue while MIL was going off - I just kept telling her not to say these things in fornt of the baby, and didn't say anything personal.

She is still furious anyway - she complained yesterday to DH that I apparently said to DH "Tell her to stop it" instead of referring to her by her name.

IMHO, as you are aware of the possible unintended consequences, you would take positive steps to ensure your DD never disrespects you.
MN is one of those steps!!! You get excellent comebacks
Bringing it up with your DH is another.
I am acknowledging your fears as very valid.

It´s good that he backed you up-I think you had already said that, sorry.

But I think you need to suggest a break from them-perhaps for all of you.

Or at least for yourself & daughter.

With any luck-give her enough rope...

Which it looks as if she may have started yesterday.

"she complained yesterday to DH that I apparently said to DH "Tell her to stop it" instead of referring to her by her name."

Yeah, coz that's really the most important issue! She's mad! Or dangerous. Dunno which is worse.
Steer clear.

Your DH feeling he needs to do peace-keeping between you and his DM rather implies he thinks both of you need managing...

It is difficult for the son of a mother like this to deal with it appropriately, as he has learned placating-the-old-bitch behaviour over his entire lifetime as a self-protecting mechanism, and now is required to do a bit more than simply placate her.

Now he has to protect you and his DC as well. And if he won't do it, then you are going to have to take a stand and do it yourself on behalf of your baby, regardless of whether the 'peace' is being kept.

This peace he needs to keep is not really peace at all when you look at how you are all feeling. it is simply a continuation of his need to placate his DM. Unfortunately, that means pissing his DW right off!

Don't think anyone feeling too peaceful at all, so ...er how's that role of peacekeeper working out for you Mr Seoladair?