MIL meltdown

[seoladair]

Please give gentle answers - I am feeling bad, and am looking for kind advice, not a debate...

Since I became pregnant, my MIL has become very controlling and intrusive. My baby is now 14 months old, and we had a bit of a meltdown when she was just 6 weeks. There were lots of issues, for instance her saying "that baby is very fat" - you should put her on a diet", when she was 6 weeks old. She also got angry because my husband and I chose a hospital near my parents instead of near my ILs.

I have struggled all year to keep everything on an even keel but we had a meltdown yesterday over a small, silly thing - she has given us endless junk for the baby. I am in favour of second-hand things, but only if they are in good condition. She knows this well, but ignores it. DH and I have managed to tactfully reject 2 second-hand car-seats in the past year, and we've explained why.

Yesterday DH (a very tactful, gentle man) said that we wouldn't need the second-hand potty and stained loo-seat cover she had acquired for our baby. She also had some toys that were filthy. One of them looked as though it had been chewed by a dog.

An explosion of Vesuvian proportions ensued.

She was hollering at me in front of my baby, who got upset. I am very concerned that this will happen in the future, and undermine my daughter's view of me.

I also suspect that it's a control issue. She said "We do things our way", to which I replied "no, DH and I are baby's parents, so we would prefer to do things our way".Although they are a wealthy family I'm not saying they should spend much on my baby- I'm just tired of the emotional blackmail that accompanies the grubby pieces of baby junk, and would rather she didn't get it for us.

She also said she was very angry that I was only staying 2 nights. I stayed with them 3 weeks ago, also for 2 nights, and MIL babysat at our place 2 weeks ago, yet she was complaining that she doesn't ever see the baby. She also complained that my parents see more of the baby (not really true - sometimes they do, other times ILs see more of her - it just depends on what DH and I are doing).

Her daughter is estranged from her - I don't want the same thing to happen. I do want my daughter to know her paternal GM, but am concerned that I will be undermined more and more as my daughter grows up.

Sorry it's long....

I just asked for previous post to be deleted as I have given out too much info and don't want to be outed.
Here's part of the post which doesn't out me.

Scarlet - ouch, yes you have hit the nail right on the head. That's what's been bugging me - the implication that I need to be managed too. I hadn't articulated that to myself.
Thinking as I type - He's not necessarily insulting me - it's just that his strategy has been to minimise their insults and let it all wash over him and he wishes I could do that too.
So it's partly to do with my pride, yes. But the most serious issue is that I can't allow my DD to be exposed to this emotional abuse. I think that's how emotional problems can travel down the generations like a gene.

Seo, I have 'difficult' ILs too and one thing that helps me is to go off for a long walk / bike ride / run after we've been to see them, to do something physical to get all the frustration out of my system. Also I need to see / speak on the phone to someone to a friend after we've seen them, to restore my sense of self (which is always damaged by seeing them). Sometimes DH and I get to the point of laughing at the ridiculous, outrageous things they've said and making up silly / sarcastic answers, which helps too. Limiting the amount of time you spend with them might help, and if it's really necessary to spend two nights you need to think about how you'll restore the balance afterwards - think of what makes you feel better. You've had loads of good advice about how to respond when you're with them, but you need to have a strategy for after each visit too.

I've come to the conclusion that I'm not going to be able to change my ILs or get their approval, so managing my own responses, and guarding my relationship with DH, and the dcs' feelings, whilst still being as pleasant as I can, are my priorities. Your MIL probably is very damaged, but (in the nicest way), it's not your job to fix her, and it's absolutely not your dd's job to make up for all the damge.

Perhaps your Dh needs some kind of professional help, so he can learn to say to her "I will not have my wife and child spoken to like that. I will not have this behaviour in front of my new baby. If you ignore this, I will take action and you won't like it."

He also needs to be able to refuse to allow his mother to talk to him about you. He needs to point out that part of being a grown-up married man is being able to do the right thing by the family he has created and resist repeating unhealthy behaviour he may have learned in the past. THIS WILL NOT BE EASY.

My DM is like his, she's a toxic and narcissistic person, very needy, very opinionated, very outspoken and then very tearful and dramatic if anyone picks her up on it. For the sake of my own sanity and the health of my children, which is dependant on my own good mental health, I have not had a full relationship with her for many, many years (although we do now email and send cards).

My brothers however, have continued to be bullied by her and have also allowed their wives and children to be in the firing line.

At one point they (brothers) asked me to go to counselling with them, in order to discuss getting her to attend counselling with us all... Naively, they believed if they just threw some money at the problem, by paying for the top professional person (in their eyes) then they could get her fixed. That was so not going to happen as my DM would not have participated whatsoever and the outcome would have been some kind of dreadful traumatic drama for us all.

With trepidation, I did go to the session with them. I gave the reasons why I had no contact anymore and why I would not allow this hideous rubbish in mine and my DC's lives.

Blow me down! The counsellor told my brothers to listen to the wise words of their sister! I was as surprised by this as they were. They were told that as they were adults, they should not be putting the welfare of their mother above the welfare of their own wives and children.

Sadly, they felt unable to act and are to this day bullied by our DM. She ruins every Christmas, every christening, wedding, funeral, birthday etc by making it ALL ABOUT HER. They deal with it as best they can, and I believe they do stick up for their wives and try to protect their children, but God they have a hard time.

Sorry, that's rather long, but was just trying to show how difficult it will be for your DH to do the right thing.

Scarlet, I wonder if you are my SIL!

A very sad and wise post from Scarlet.

Ask him if he wants his lovely child to grow up being a peacekeeper between two warring factions? Or would he prefer her to be like MIL and throw tantrums, slag people off and live from hysterical drama to hysterical drama. That is the future he is mapping out for her. If you can get him to see that, then it should be sufficient to get him to pull his socks up.

Exactly what I fear.

Well tell him then, OP. Calmly but clearly spell out the consequences. As the wise JUbilympiX says above, it should make him pull his socks up.

Hi Mumsnet, please delete the message at the top of the page. I already reported it - am worried about outing myself. The message was posted on
Tue 31-Jul-12 12:14:15
Thanks.

Ha, ha Seoladair, don't think so though, as there are no new babies in our family at the moment.

It was a revelation to me years ago that there are other people out there who behave like our mother. I used to think we were the only ones.

WhereYouLeftit - I know it is quite sad, but obviously more for my brothers than me, but then they choose their own way.

I chose mine, and I don't regret it, although do feel sad from time to time about lack of relationship with my DM. I did the best thing though for my children and myself, and oddly, I think my DM actually respects me for not taking any of her shit. She sends me birthday cards and the odd email and so we now have a sort of virtual relationship.

I always said this estrangement was while I brought my children up though, and now I have (21 and 18, lovely, lovely STABLE daughters), so have had the odd moment of wondering whether I should re-establish things with DM, but somehow it never seems the right time to invite that kind of trouble into my life....

Sorry, will stop now, as seem to be taking over!

Best of luck though, OP, I really hope you and your DH can come to a better place of 'peace' with this than you are currently in, and that he manages not to leave it all up to you.

scarlett

your probably right about her respecting you for not taking crap.
Dh DSIl is adored by PILS - and she is stageringly rude to them its embarrasing...really embarrasing....

DH on other hand who has been sensitve and lovely and easy to get along with BUT has not ever said anything back to them ( when he lived there) is riduled and not liked...

you know when you are treating someone badly though who does respect anyone for taking it?

Lots of wise advice on this thread.

I really don't understand this business of staying at her house. Especially so often and for so long. What is wrong with calling in for a cup of tea once a month? I think that needs to stop, along with her babysitting at your house. It sounds like you feel you need to see so much of them out of sense of duty, because of all the deranged competitive rantings. And no, she doesn't have 'equal rights' if she behaves like that.

I would also be inclined to stop giving any info - e.g. don't discuss hv visits, or how much contact your parents have with DD (I don't discuss with the respective GPs how much contact the others have, and mine aren't even that loopy! They just don't need to know)

She sounds a handful.

Well, they live about 70 miles from us. We could do a daytrip but it would mean as you say a quick visit (from their point of view). I'd be happy with that but as you can see, they freak out at me for only staying 2 nights. I have made it my rule never to stay for more than 2 nights since they bullied me when DD was 6 weeks old.
I will tell my DH to try not to give info about how much contact my parents have.

Oh the thread moved!

No moomin, it's a different one.
I had a separate thread on AIBU. There's a different perspective and a different set of posters on the Relationships board and I wanted to get the widest range of opinions. As it happened, it was a consensus anyway but lots of different heplful reponses. Don't know why it's vanished.

They should think themselves lucky tha you bother at all.

You should be cutting it down to one night-preferably not at theirs!

Are your parents closer & do you both get on with them better?

If so, why shouldn´t you see more of them?

Life is too bloody short!

If you feel you must stay over, what about at a B&B?

I get on very well with my parents and so does my husband. They are diplomatic people. In the first few weeks after baby was born, DH was frankly crap. He was unhelpful, bad-tempered etc. My parents saw but didn't intervene as they felt it was a matter for me and DH, as we are adults. It happened just to be an adjustment period for a new dad, and he is a wonderful father now. I'm sure he would have been upset if my parents had criticised him. Their diplomacy at that time means that we all have a very good relationship.

Us staying at a b and b when visiting ILs would not go down well - ILs have a massive house and we have our own room, lucky lucky us.

"we have our own room, lucky lucky us."-but at such cost.

We always saw more of my parents as there were just easier to get on with.

My husband would leave going to his parents for as long as possible.

They are always so on edge, it´s not enjoyable.

But nothing like you go through.

I haven't read the all of the replies but I do sympathise. I am lucky in the fact that my MIL is lovely, but even then it is difficult when she gives unwelcome advice or suggestions. When my baby was little she would say things like 'I'd like to have her on my own because then I can do what I think is best'. It used to drive me mad! What she meant was, whilst I was there she felt she had to do everything I wanted her to do to please me, but if she had her on her own she would just find her own way. But, every time she said it I wanted to rip her head off! I think you are handling your MIL very well by putting on a united front with your other half. Just remember that legally, grandparents have no rights to the grandchild. None at all. She has no right to insist she has a say, she doesn't. I would be very tempted to firmly tell her that she needs to remember that she is the grandparent and not the parent. You will do things your own way, and she needs to support that. If she kicks off just tell her that it is not up for negotiation and to call you when she has calmed down. The next time you see her be your usual self and try and move past it, but if she brings up the 'I have a say' crap again just stay firm. Good luck xx

I really do think it would be a good idea to stop staying over and just do flying visits with no overnights. What an they do? Kick off when you leave? You're leaving and can just leave it a bit longer before you go again.

When she makes a comment about seeing more of your mum, you can either ignore it and change the subject (aren't those flowers pretty? What interesting clouds etc etc) or just say right out "of course, she's my mum, and my parents are so easy to get on with".

I know this thread has gone quiet, but I was just having a catch up, and I just had to say...please stop staying there! 4 nights out of 3 weeks, to merely be abused and expose your child to that abuse is totally unnecessary!

Yes, they will kick off...and? You're old enough to decide where you sleep and when. Let them kick off. Stop placating them, all you are doing is enabling them to abuse you even more.

You get DH to say 'we're visiting on xxx date, you can expect us at 11am, we will leave at 3pm. END OF!!!! They may ask why only a day trip, he could say, well I am finally going to man up and I won't let you abuse you wife any longer, you sickos we would prefer not to. And repeat for as long as necessary.

They cannot force you to stay there. Likewise, you can invite them for the day to your home, do not invite them overnight.

PLEASE OP, PLEASE JUST STOP STAYING THERE - IT IS EASY AND YES YOU CAN!!!

Just to say, I read the post that was deleted (and didn't recognise you). I agree that they are more than just irritating and your husband should recognise this.

I also agree that a day trip is fine if they live 70 miles away. (My parents live a similar distance away and I often do this - sometimes just easier to return to your own bed).

Completely agree with angeltattoo, that their 'kicking off' shouldn't affect how you behave. You can't make them act differently - their behaviour is out of your control, but you can decide what you will do and follow through. (This is also good training for dealing with children).

More significantly, your DH is not responsible for his parent's behaviour, and he does not have to make them happy. However I suspect it might require a course of therapy for him to realise this.

Thanks for all the replies since I was last on.
I have decided to take everyone's advice, and stop staying overnight at their house. We are going to stay clear of them for a while, then they will be allowed short visits to our place. Luckily we have a one-bedroom flat, and the baby's cot is in the living room, so it's not very practical to have the sofa bed down too which means we don't have to invite them overnight.

Christmas will be the next flashpoint on the horizon. DH goes there every year. I was there last year, but missed the previous two (caused offence but hey...) I asked him why he is expected to attend Christmas every single year while his half-siblings only have to go on alternate years. Apparently it's because he's the only child of both MIL and FIL. We're always expected to arrive by 4 pm at the lastest on Xmas Eve, so we can attend the church service.

I am going to say that this year we will have at least wake in our own flat on Christmas Day, and create our own Christmas memories with our daughter, who will by then be 19 months old. I guess we'll still have to go to Xmas dinner, but I will say that we will leave the same day.

If you were there last year, you can have your own Christmas at home this year imo.

See them Boxing Day.