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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

More than smacking

343 replies

verysadmum · 14/12/2003 19:38

For obvious reasons, I've changed my name for this one.

My child has been hit (by hit I mean more than a smack & leaving a bruise) by his Dad on more than one occasion, I know I have to do something but what?

Have you had any experience in this? Obviously anything that prevents him being hurt is the best solution but what would you do? Social services to report? Solicitor to get injuction? Something else?

URGENT!! TIA

OP posts:
roscoe · 14/12/2003 19:58

verysadmum - As someone who was regularly beaten as a child, I beg you to please help your little one. Do you want your dp to leave or would anger management help?

Original poster
verysadmum · 14/12/2003 20:19

I want him to leave but I would rather he left of his own accord than having to be forced out. I need to know what my options are really.

OP posts:
3GirlsMum · 14/12/2003 20:19

Hi Verysadmum. What an awful situation to be in. Are you still with the dad or separated?

3GirlsMum · 14/12/2003 20:20

Opp sorry crossed posts. TBH I think that you need to ask him to leave. Dont wait for him to make up his mind whether or not he will go. As hard as it may seem your child must come first. May sure if possible you take photographs of injuries that have been inflicted.

Queenie · 14/12/2003 20:26

If this was my dh I would sit down and discuss what discipline measures were acceptable. I think if both parents want to be involved in discipline you have to agree what that will entail. If one thinks smacking is ok and the other doesn't it's best to find that out in advance and come to an agreement i.e What sort of smacking is OK and for what reasons. As for smacking that leaves marks - NEVER WOULD THIS BE ACCEPTABLE imo. Please get him to leave discipline to you if he can't control his temper or GET HELP. Your child deserves better than this.

Queenie · 14/12/2003 20:27

oops crossed posts. If he leaves will you stop him seeing your son??

Original poster
verysadmum · 14/12/2003 20:34

I have asked him to leave but he says he "will deny everything" and has so far refused to go. TBH I don't know what I'll do about his seeing our son. I don't really plan on stopping him having access.

OP posts:
3GirlsMum · 14/12/2003 20:35

Sorry to be blunt but whats the point in asking him to leave if you arent going to stop him seeing your son. Will you make sure there is always someone else present when he sees him?

Like I say, you need evidence to show what he is doing. Times, dates and pictures. How old is your son? Is he old enough to speak for himself if asked about this?

Original poster
verysadmum · 14/12/2003 20:39

I guess I'm hoping that if we're not all together all of the time things will be different. I don't know, it's all very confusing at the moment and I'm probably not thinking straight. My son is nearly 6.

Have to go now but I'll check back tomorrow when I'm alone. Thanks.

OP posts:
3GirlsMum · 14/12/2003 20:40

I wouldnt expect it to be any different. To be honest I think you need to contact childline anon or something like that and ask for their advice. Good luck and take care. x

kaz33 · 14/12/2003 21:18

Does he hit you as well ?

Get in touch with a family solicitor - it is best to find out what is the best way to proceed now, so as to protect your son and yourself. A solicitor will probably give you a free initial consulation or at least a set fee for an hour.

Keep records.

Good luck and keep posting.

roscoe · 14/12/2003 22:01

I would tell him to go rather than ask. If you are scared (and IME this type of person is usually a nasty little bully) have someone there with you - a friend, relative, neighbour etc. Please don't be scared to ask someone to help. I would also seriously consider contacting the police and getting these assaults on record. These are more than just small smacks. This may also help in the future. Don't worry about him denying it all and trying to make you look stupid. The police will have seen people like him before and will take you seriously. They will be putting the safety of your son first. If you don't want to give too much info out on MN or just need extra moral support, you can e-mail me via 'Contact another Talker'. Hugs. xxxxxxx

Lisa78 · 14/12/2003 22:13

Bastard.
Get a solicitor, get some advice. And if he won't leave, change the locks whilst he is out (speak to your solicitor first) - and if he kicks off, phone 999
I hope things work out for you, you both deserve better

Twinkie · 15/12/2003 09:26

Message withdrawn

Original poster
verysadmum · 15/12/2003 11:17

Was just about to call social services but thought that I must check this out first.

In answer to your question Kaz - yes.

I can't face seeing a solicitor on my own but I can (just) call someone up. Can social service get him out? (or get him arrested?) or would I just have to leave with my son? TBH I don't care where I go anymore and who knows (to a certain extent) I just want this to be over..

OP posts:
bunny2 · 15/12/2003 11:20

Verysadmum, well done for taking action. My father had one hell of a temper and hurt me and my brother on more than one occassion. We are all on good(ish) terms now but I have never forgiven him or my Mother. In fact I am more angry with my mother for standing back and letting it happen. Sometimes I feel like I hate her for it, I wish had the balls to leave. You are so brave, good luck.

Original poster
verysadmum · 15/12/2003 11:22

I'm not brave I'm desperate.

I hate myself for not doing anything sooner. I just hope it's not too late.

OP posts:
salt · 15/12/2003 11:23

verysadmum, I don't think social service can have him arrested. you'll will have to call the police direct (I think). Do you have parents you can stay with? I would make social service aware of this though (in case he tries for custody). I would also make your GP and HV aware as they can all help your son get the protection that he needs. A solicitor can help with gettin supervised visits only.

I would grab what you need and leave while he is at work, go and stay with a friend or in a refuge and once there write a list of all the things you need to do - it will help you stay focused and organised even though you may not feel it.

hth

aloha · 15/12/2003 11:58

Has anyone got the link to the thread with the various women's aid numbers on it? The police will advise you and don't be frightened of seeing a solicitor. They will be nice and kind and sympathetic and tell you your options. Please do this. Your little boy is suffering but it's emphatically NOT TOO LATE! You can make everything alright for him.

roscoe · 15/12/2003 12:00

The police could also help you to get him out of the house. Then get the locks changed.

Original poster
verysadmum · 15/12/2003 12:04

I've done it. I've called social services.

OP posts:
roscoe · 15/12/2003 12:06

You poor thing. Well done. What did they say?

MUM2ELA · 15/12/2003 12:07

Verysadmum,

Just wanted to say that I think you are very brave. Let us know what happens.

Original poster
verysadmum · 15/12/2003 12:13

They said that I've done the right thing in contacting them first.

They said not to wait any longer and to find somewhere else to stay now until he leaves. Also that someone would be contacting me this afternoon. I also need to let the school know.

They were surprisingly good and let me take my time.

I feel very, very s**t.

OP posts:
aloha · 15/12/2003 12:19

You want to get him out of the house ASAP - an injunction is what you need. Ask social services about a friendly solicitor.