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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

More than smacking

343 replies

verysadmum · 14/12/2003 19:38

For obvious reasons, I've changed my name for this one.

My child has been hit (by hit I mean more than a smack & leaving a bruise) by his Dad on more than one occasion, I know I have to do something but what?

Have you had any experience in this? Obviously anything that prevents him being hurt is the best solution but what would you do? Social services to report? Solicitor to get injuction? Something else?

URGENT!! TIA

OP posts:
dsw · 15/12/2003 12:20

A new law was recently passed about violence in the home - and the police, certainly in my area are very hot on it. They are taking this issue much more seriously that they have ever done before (have had recent experience via a friend but won't go into it on this thread) He was kept away from the house - and even though he showed remorse and she then wanted to drop the charges - they continued anyway in the interest of public safety - he was prosecuted and she got lots of support from the domestic violence unit. You are very brave VSM, stay strong - and well done for being so brave and taking the first step. Big Hugs.

Original poster
verysadmum · 15/12/2003 12:21

I will ask them Aloha but I don't think I could even drive there at the moment. Also if he is made to leave them I DO NOT want to be here by myself.

OP posts:
roscoe · 15/12/2003 12:22

You really are brave to have taken action. Believe me when I say that one day your ds will thank you for this. Do you have a place to stay?

dsw · 15/12/2003 12:25

VSM - Don't know where abouts you are but if you want to meet for a chat - just contact me via mumsnet. Have you got a friend you are close to that you could go and stay with for a few nights? Wish I could do more than type my comments to you.

StressyHead · 15/12/2003 12:26

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harman · 15/12/2003 12:28

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lilibet · 15/12/2003 12:29

You are really brave taking the first steps and it wont all be an easy road, but you are doing the right thing. Have a look in the yellow pages for a solicitor, some of them are listed as being 'family freindly', get one as soon as poss.
hugs xxx

Original poster
verysadmum · 15/12/2003 12:40

I'm not sure if I've got a place to stay. A couple of people did offer but I don't know how serious they are. I'm not exactly great company.

OP posts:
StressyHead · 15/12/2003 12:41

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salt · 15/12/2003 12:43

DO you have parents near by? the police can put you in touch with a refuge. What area are you in? the council maybe able to give you emergnecy housing...

... you have done the right thing. Do you need to get out before he gets home? is he violent towards you?

dsw · 15/12/2003 12:45

People wouldn't offer if they didn't mean it - especially if they know your situation. It doesn't matter if you are good company or not. You need to do this for the well being of you and your ds.

Original poster
verysadmum · 15/12/2003 12:49

Yes Salt he has been violent towards me too. People offered a place to stay after this, I know they think I should have done something about my son sooner (and I now agree). Yes I need to get out before he gets home. I'm in the South of England.

OP posts:
salt · 15/12/2003 12:52

I went to my parents house, I called them asked if it was ok to stay for a couple of days, they said yes I said good cos I am on my way, I was there for 3 months before I got my house back.

What region - or do you not want to say?

Go and pack what you need into your car... birth certificates, mortgage details, passports, bank details... and things your sone will need... any medication you take, toiletries...

How long have you got to get out of the house?

Twinkie · 15/12/2003 12:53

Message withdrawn

Original poster
verysadmum · 15/12/2003 12:56

Thank you.

I have about 5 hrs to leave (MAX) minus 1 hr for collecting my son from school.

Surrey.

OP posts:
fio2 · 15/12/2003 12:59

Good Luck verysadmum Hope everything works out okay for you and I think you have been very brave putting a stop to this.

Forestfly · 15/12/2003 12:59

Good luck, imagine what this man would be capable of when your kids are older, and can push him more, scarey thought. I think it's right you leave, and if he has a conscience about these matters he will do all he can to change. Got to anger management, counselling, have treatment etc. At the moment he doesn't realise the consequences of his actions, he probably thinks its normal, and its not fair because he gets stressed. Show him that it not exceptable, to treat humans like this, you are not a women to be victimised, you were not put on this earth to be bullied, and he has a serious problem

Twinkie · 15/12/2003 13:00

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salt · 15/12/2003 13:03

Get everything you need in the car now, that way you can get away quickly if need be.

If you call the police, they will get someone to your house who can escort you to a refuge (if need be) though I found unless it's 999 the police can be slow so you will need to stress the fact that you need to be out before he gets home... failing that you could just turn up at the police station.

Did Social Services not offer any housing solutions? Your GP maybe able to help with a refuge address as well or citizens advice. I would definitely try the council too.

I'm not near Surrey Iam afraid but if there's anything I can do...

StressyHead · 15/12/2003 13:21

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aloha · 15/12/2003 13:25

Go and stay with your friends. It makes no difference what 'company' you are - your child's welfare (and yours!) is at stake. A friend will always care far more about that. Go! And yes, you are being very brave. You are doing a hard thing. Keep posting.

Original poster
verysadmum · 15/12/2003 13:26

I am going to gather up some essentials now anyway.

SS just said that I'd need to move out and did I have friends/family I could ask I just said probably.

Feeling very lost.

OP posts:
Forestfly · 15/12/2003 13:29

Have you told anyone yhat can come and see you, you could really do with someone there, its a tough thing to go through on your own. You will feel lost, everything you know is changing, but what you know isn't good enough anymore. This will be a tough time, but then will be replaced by a life a lot better than you could ever imagine. Take care, we are all here to listen x

salt · 15/12/2003 13:33

Do you not have family you could go to?

The reason I think family might be better for a couple reasons... namely...

It will be more familiar for you son at this time of year.

you won't feel obliged to leave in a couple of days and end up going back to H becaus eyou have nowhere else to go.

you don't have to worry about being good company.

Also, I think you should send DS to school tomorrow, a degree of normality is important (IMHO). Inform the school of the situation, make it clear in no uncertain terms that if H enter the school premises they must call the police immediately and you (in that order).

My DD's nursery was very good, they knew to not let him on the premises, they had a description of him and several registration numbers of cars he might drive. It is slightly different as my ex and I weren't married so he didn't have parental responsibility.

That said - If you're family aren't local - don't worry about school, it's nearly end of term anyway!!! just tell son he's getting a long holiday.

roscoe · 15/12/2003 13:33

Try phoning people who have offered before. If you look at it the other way, you would want them to ask YOU for help if they were in trouble, I hope things get better for you and your son. xxxxxx

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