More than smacking

[verysadmum]

For obvious reasons, I've changed my name for this one.

My child has been hit (by hit I mean more than a smack & leaving a bruise) by his Dad on more than one occasion, I know I have to do something but what?

Have you had any experience in this? Obviously anything that prevents him being hurt is the best solution but what would you do? Social services to report? Solicitor to get injuction? Something else?

URGENT!! TIA

Oh vsm, you can't spend Christmas with your dh IMO. You've taken the decision to leave him for the sake of yur children's safety and your well-being and Christmas is not the time to be forced into a "close" situation with your dh is it?

Can you really not tell your parents about this? They will have to know eventually and you have nothing to be ashamed about.

Please do not spend Christmas 'just us', however much your h tries to make you. It's a well-known time for 'family rows' in the most mild-mannered of families!

festivefly's right about presents, I got dd1 a single strand of pink tinsel (99p) which she's put up on the headboard of her bed and it's thrilled her! (not getting tree, dd2 crawling like mad and we're spending christmas with my parents anyway)

Don't spend Christmas with your dh. He'll use it as a way to try to undermine your confidence again. I think you'd be surprised at just how supportive your family would be if they knew the whole story.

Oh, please don't spend Christmas with him. I have horrible, sad memories of 'family' Christmasses with my dad drunk and angry and shouting at my mum While there were good times too, the bad memories definitely overshadow the good. I was another child who yearned for their parents to divorce and I wasn't hit like your poor boy. Now I have peaceful happpy Christmases and that's what I want for my son.

Sorry i'm new to this i hope you don't mind me adding something. Is your friend ok letting you stay for a while, or are you going to stay at different friends houses. I'm just thinking if you tell your family then at least you would have a firm base. The last thing you need is to be unsettled and moving about all over christmas, you might end up feeling lost. I'm sorry if there is something more to not telling your family. I just think you need them right now

I am already feeling a bit lost and incredibly tearful..

I have stayed at 3 friends houses already... and no I can't really stay on. I am hoping to spend this weekend with one of those friends again to stretch the time away from home but I guess I can't stay away indefinitely, Christmas or no Christmas. The only possible solution is to maybe meet him somewhere Chrsitmas day so they can see each other (his parents? or mine?) or IF I was able to even tell my parents about us having problems and I could stay there he could come over for the day. At least we wont be alone.

I spoke to him briefly today and he's asked about taking our ds out somewhere on Friday (cinema?) do you think this will be okay? Obviously it's somewhere public and I can drop him off & pick him up. This is presuming I haven't gone away anywhere else (school breaks up tomorrow).

It sounds to me that you are worrying far to much about him and him seeing you. Forget it for the time being don't have any contact with him and sort out what you need. It doesn't matter when he can have access just now. What matters is sorting yourself out and getting happy again. Can you stay with your family long term?

Can you tell your parents that you're having problems but leave out the details if you are determined not to let them know? They will find out sooner or later that you aren't together, especially if you visit and don't appear all one big happy family.

Family relationships are all very different, I know, but they will find out at some point and it's better if you can control how and what they find out yourself.

Please see a solicitor. yOu could get him out of the house ASAP. You shouldn't be the one wandering about like a lost soul. Please tell your parents. You need real support now. Don't go back. Don't let him hurt you. Your son needs you to be strong.

If he cared about you or your son AT ALL, he would get out now and give you back your home. As he doesn't, he doesn't care and you need to take drastic action.

Aloha is right he will get away with what he can, you need to take back the control, don't let him emotionally blackmail you into feeling guilty.

See a solicitor about getting your home back. You owe this man nothing and so shouldn't feel you have to arrange access. Maybe if he has an enforced break from you and ds he will realise what he has thrown away. Hang in there. xxxxxxx

VSM
Aloha is right, you can get control back and you will be helped to do so by a solicitor.

I don't know your recent history with your family, but they once loved you as much as you love your son now and would welcome and protect you if they knew how much you needed them.
You don't have to go in to details about that beast but allow your family to help you.

Do feel for you
xxxxx

I've only just seen this thread and just wanted to urge you to tell your parents if you possibly feel you can. I know if one of my children were in your situation I would really want to know about it and do all I could to help & support. I agree with Aloha, he's the one who should be leaving, he hit you, he hit your son. There is absolutely no excuse for this and I can't see that he's even showing any signs of remorse, not that it would make it any better. You have been so very brave getting this far. Please, please get some legal help. Personally, I wouldn't let him take DS to the cinema at this point. I wish you all the very best.

VSM, I have been thinking about you and your h. He is quite unbelievably manipulative - I think sometimes he almost believes himself in his retelling of the past. I'm not naive, but I am still shocked by the way he constantly tries to erase his actions, and seems to think that if you haven't told anyone, nothing happened anyway; and by the way he is trying to force you to spend Christmas with him.

I don't think you should let your son go to the cinema with him tomorrow, honestly. I just don't trust him. At the very least he'll probably try and mess with your little boy's head and tell him a load of nasty manipulative cr*p about nasty mummy. At the worst he could take him 'home' for the night.

I know it would be almost impossible to tell my parents in similar circumstances, but not quite impossible. If you need to 'rehearse' how you would tell them, please post here. They owe it to you to take you in. And please please go to a solicitor. Good solicitors with experience in this area are absolutely wonderful and know the whole issue inside out (my sister used to be one).

Take care.

Message withdrawn

vsm - please tell your family before he tells them a load of bull. He will do for control. They will support you, please tell them. Agree with what everyone else has said really. Do you not want to tell them because you think you still might be able to work things out? sorry if this is a silly question

Look after yourself and your boy

How are you today? What have you decided to do? Hope your alright

Which do you care most about, what your parents may/may not think of you or your child?

Well having spent literally all of yesterday and even more of today crying (sorry couldn't face logging on and posting) I know I physically and mentally cannot continue like this. I'm really finding it hard to find anything positive.

Having said that my sister now knows that we are having problems, not what exactly but problems. She is away next week from Sat/Sun so I have arranged for h to 'flat sit' and surprisingly he has agreed, although it's on the condition that he can still pop in but at least he'll be away overnight. So I am going to get a weeks break next week and God knows I seriously need it. Especially since it's Christmas, I'm not sure I've ever felt so low in my life as I do right now.

Thank you for the offer Twinkie, bit late now, sorry. It it wasn't I would be over there. I am at (probably foolishly) back at home tonight. H is down the pub. I will be sleeping (not that I usually do) on my sons floor.

Darling, please ring Twinkie. Ring her NOW. It isn't too late to go there. From everything I've ever read from her, you will be welcome.

It is, tried and she's gone out...