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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

More than smacking

343 replies

verysadmum · 14/12/2003 19:38

For obvious reasons, I've changed my name for this one.

My child has been hit (by hit I mean more than a smack & leaving a bruise) by his Dad on more than one occasion, I know I have to do something but what?

Have you had any experience in this? Obviously anything that prevents him being hurt is the best solution but what would you do? Social services to report? Solicitor to get injuction? Something else?

URGENT!! TIA

OP posts:
Skara · 18/12/2003 20:26

hi verysadmum,

just read this whole thread from start to finish and you have been so brave. ((((hugs)))) I hope you get something sorted out for tonight. Speaking as a mum though, I think your parents would want to know; I know I would if you were my daughter. You are not at fault, you're a very strong person to have found the courage to make that first call.

Thinking of you.

Original poster
verysadmum · 18/12/2003 21:05

I CAN'T TELL MY PARENTS!!!!!!!

Sorry, but I just can't. Yes if it was my daughter I would want to know. My parents have never been there for me in the past, they're not about to start now. It would ruin their Christmas anyway. They really like H (probably more than me - seriously). I also could never face them knowing. I have thought about this lots but I CAN'T tell them.

I am honestly tempted to just go somewhere (anywhere) with my children and ignore Christmas and make up for it when it's all over. I really can't cope with it.

OP posts:
alohappychristmas · 18/12/2003 21:09

I am so sorry. This cannot continue. Please see a solicitor. They will help you. Once you know your rights you will be less intimidated. Please don't let him back into your life. If you can't do it for you, think of your son. If my mum had let my dad beat me I don't think I could forgive her. If she rescued me, I would always be grateful. I don't want to make you feel worse, but there are the two of you in this situation and only you can protect him as his father is a monster. You do not have to let him 'pop in' you know. When he has gone you can see a solitor, get an injunction, call the police and change your locks. You deserve better. I think if you can be strong now you will end up like Twinkie, a strong, alive person, with love and peace in her life, looking back in disbelief at your past as if it happened to another person. Imagine your life five years in the future - imagine it with him, and imagine it without him. Which future do you want to walk into right now?

Batters · 18/12/2003 21:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
verysadmum · 18/12/2003 21:21

I know I've got to keep going, I'm doing this far more for him than me. I just wish it could be over. It just feels so bl@@dy painful.

He's going to be staying in my sisters fault, I can't really get an injuction then or change the locks he would totally flip.

OP posts:
sobernow · 18/12/2003 21:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
verysadmum · 18/12/2003 21:24

I hope so Batters. I am going to be staying in my sons room (with my mobile) so I wouldn't let him touch my son. I don't think he'll do anything now tbh. He knows he'd be out in a shot after the conversation on ?Weds.

OP posts:
adell · 18/12/2003 21:24

VSM - I do understand that you can't tell your parents, all families are different. I know it all seems horrendous at the moment, but you can come through this. My personal feeling is that you really do need to see a solicitor and get some legal help now to get this sorted. As for Christmas, it is just one day and there will be many more Christmases in the future once you've come through this - and you WILL get through it

Original poster
verysadmum · 18/12/2003 21:26

Thank you Sobernow - I just wish I didn't feel so s**t.

OP posts:
Original poster
verysadmum · 18/12/2003 21:29

and you too adell. It's just that I can cope (just) with day to day stuff but the next couple of weeks will be far from and my friends will be busy with Christmas stuff and I don't want to be alone...

OP posts:
Skara · 18/12/2003 21:29

Oh vsm I am sorry, really truly sorry that you can't rely on your parents. I know this would be awful at any time of year but Christmas is just worse with all the enforced jollity and togetherness c**p going on. Huge hugs and lots of strength for you to carry on - it is worth it and I can imagine how painful it is for you for lots of different reasons. Thinking of you lots.

alohappychristmas · 18/12/2003 21:34

When you say flip do you mean you are frightened for your sister? What does that say about him? You can call the police when he leaves your sister's and they will stop him moving back in. Please see a solicitor. It will be totally confidential and there is no obligation whatsoever to follow their advice, it will just make it clearer what your options are.

bunny2 · 18/12/2003 21:42

VSM, it will be over one day, things will get sorted out. Use all the help and support you can get, in my experience people are pleased and flattered to be needed. About 6 years ago I went through my own personal hell and I wondered if I would hang on to my sanity, whether I was strong enough to survive,, well, I did and I was. That has made me a much stronger person today and so confident that I can handle all that life throws at me It also makes me a better Mum because I really appreciate everything I have. There is light at the end of the proverbial tunnel, I promise Bunnyxxx

deegward · 18/12/2003 21:42

VSM, I am only echoing everything everyone has said here, but you have taken the biggest step, just by telling others. Your parents I am sure would do something, and if they supported your h well at least you know where you stand. They won't. I know by telling you parents it makes it real, but heavens is it not already real anyway. I also know from personal experience, by not telling parents means if it all smooths over (which it won't) then they will never know.

You are such a strong person, and he is just manipulating you, using Christmas as a tool. When all is said and done, it is just another day, it it more important that YOU feel safe, so you can sleep at night. You are a lovely person and you deserve it.

Take care and of course huge {{{{hugs{}}}}

sobernow · 18/12/2003 21:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
verysadmum · 18/12/2003 21:44

I mean smash up her flat or something, or at worst come after me.

Last Friday he came home drunk (and I'd gone away the day before for a couple of days) and he phoned me and was really abusive. I switched the phone off (was about 1/1.30am) and then left similar messages. He phoned me the next day and left me a message apologising but when I got home he'd clearly lost it. I'm just glad I hadn't been there (or even nearby for that matter).

OP posts:
Original poster
verysadmum · 18/12/2003 21:51

Sobernow - Sykes did actually offer but she lost her key last night and has already left with the spare. There wasn't a chance to get another... Had I had one I would be there now for sure.

OP posts:
deegward · 18/12/2003 21:54

Oh VSM, you know the right thinkg to do, you know you have to when he is out the house, change the locks and make sure the police know. You know it is the right thing to do, as if he is as sane as he 'believes' he is, he would not do anything.

By saying what you are saying, it is obvious he is a very nasty man. Please act on what the voices inside you are saying to do.

sobernow · 18/12/2003 21:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
verysadmum · 18/12/2003 21:56

I that was more because I wasn't there. Trust me I didn't really choose to be here tonight.

OP posts:
Original poster
verysadmum · 18/12/2003 21:57

I THINK that obviously...

OP posts:
adell · 18/12/2003 21:57

VSM - I think from reading this that you need to start writing everything down so that when you feel ready to see a solicitor you can tell them exactly what's been going on. Have you got any friends you could ring now and talk to about all this and get some more support ? I know it seems late but if one of my friends was in your situation I'd be gutted if they didn't ring me, whatever time it was.

Original poster
verysadmum · 18/12/2003 21:59

I could count on one hand the people that know this. The people's numbers that I have are either out or at least have friends over...

OP posts:
adell · 18/12/2003 22:07

If there isn't anyone else you can call for tonight and you have to stay there, if you've got a mobile take it up with you and at the first sign of any trouble ring the police immediatly

popsicicle · 18/12/2003 22:09

verysadmum
some of us (well all of us) are very worried about you
we know you yet don't know who you are and want to help......
what can we do to help?
we really want to........