Told DP last night I have run up huge debts, he's taken it really badly, don't know what to do?

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Am a regular who has namechanged. Basically I am an complete and utter idiot, I am a SAHM with 4 DCs under 10. DP and I have been together for years and years. I always had a little bit on my credit card, then the bank increased my overdraft and I ran that up so stupidly decided to pay it off with the credit card, cue vicious cycle of running short every month and having to borrow from the credit card. I thought I could handle it and pay it off before DP found out or at least pay some of it off.

I never spent it on crazy things for myself, just bills, extra shopping, stuff for the kids etc. DP gives me a regular amount into my bank account but until recently if we spent something or went somewhere I would have to pay half which is fine. He got a really good promotion 8 months ago but I didn't see any of the money but what he did do was start to pay for more so instead of 50/50 it was more like 20/80 him paying for the extras.

So I thought the debt was about 3K but found out a few weeks ago it was actually 4,200 I told him last night about it. He immediately set out and payed the card and my overdraft off with our savings (earmarked for a house extension) and I told him to take all my cards and from now on he will be completely responsible for the household expenses, just to give me £30 a week for sundries etc.

I feel so guilty and crap about it all, he keeps asking me why didn't I tell him when it was 1K, 2K etc but I was scared to as he is so anal with money. I said to him that I would understand if he wanted us to spilt up, I cannot go on like this, it's taken a toll on my health, I have panic attacks, cannot sleep, cannot eat, stressed everytime I spend something etc.

So this morning he said he couldn't be in the same house as me as he needed to think so I went out for the day, just walked and walked. I've come home and now he says he needs to go out and talk to someone as he cannot get his head around it.

He also has a drinking problem, has been on top of it for years, he's a binge drinker and once he starts he cannot stop, can go on binges for days and has also been convicted of drink driving 3 times, I've stood by him all these times and in general things have gotten a lot better. He had a drink last night and now he's gone out he's definitely going to get hammered tonight. Thankfully he's not taken the car.

I know I have done wrong, I'm a total idiot and I should have told him ages ago. We're not on the breadline he has a good job and since his promotion he's been saying about how much free cash we have :S I just don't know what to do now.

Thanks for listening I haven't told anyone in RL any of this I am too ashamed. I am so down about this and I don't know what I would do if it weren't for the DCs.

Can I give you a sneaky, stealth hug??

Well done for telling him, that's the hardest bit done.

I'd think he just needs time. Sad as it will make you, he'll feel disappointed that you didn't feel you could share your worries with him.

Not sure what to say about the drinking. Does he have somewhere safe he can go to get time out?

Thanks but I don't think I deserve any hugs right now.

I just couldn't live with myself anymore it had all gotten out of control. I never spent on it rubbish things, he was the one who used to moan about dressing the kids in Asda or Tesco, he wanted them dressed in Next and Gap, I never dressed them in designer gear or anything. I pennypinch all the time, I bought myself a pair of jeans and a top last month and that was the first things in a year. I watch the online Tesco shop like a hawk taking things off to meet the bugdet but then we always need top ups, the kids always need something else.

He's gone off to a friends.

It sounds like you didn't always have enought money to cover day to day expenses and that you didn't want to have to ask?

Or can you just not budget?

The general cost of living has steadily risen over the last 4 years so if your money didn't increase then getting into debt was likely.

Doesn't sound like you have fully joint finances, that money is an open and easy discussion between you?

"but I was scared to as he is so anal with money"

He gives me £800 a month plus the CB I have over a grand. The bills that come out my account are about £500-600 so I had at least £100 a week left over but obviously it wasn't enough.

I think part of the problem is he has never realised how much money I do spend and I have kept it hidden.

I'm sorry you feel so badly OP and that you are in this situation. However, I have my own, huge issues with being in control of finance and if DP did this it would be a deal breaker for me, absolutely. We aren't married and have no DC, though.

Will he calm down? Do you even want to continue with the relationship if he's a drinker?

I think if you want to continue with your marriage you are both going to have to sit down and have a full, honest conversation, as in why you couldn't tell him you were struggling in the beginning. I would also worry that him having complete control of the money will end in him resenting you because he feels like he is managing everything and you feeling resentful because you never have any money.

I was confused by you saying you're a SAHM and yet you paid for things 50:50?

I'm sure there will be someone along with some better advice for you than I have given but in the meantime, at least you have told him now and the debts have been cleared.

Okay deep breath girl and calm down.
Yes you were wrong to have built up debts but you have now told and apologised to DP and it is time to try to move on. He sounds as though he has had issues with his drinking which maybe have never been fully confronted. If he carries on trying to punish you emotionally maybe its time to go to counselling and explore other problems.
Stop beating yourself about the debt.It was a mistake but that doesnt mean you are a bad person. You have been a mum to 4 children and thats an achievement in itself. Dont be a victim for him.
Good luck

Agree 100% with Reality and just came on to post similar.

Good he's had to dig deep to pay it off, you should have never been in this position in the first place. He's taken it badly? Tough Shit!

The chances are he'll come round. Give him time.

I think your guilt has led you to suggest an arrangement that won't work long-term and is unnecessarily harsh and restrictive on you - £30 a week? Really?

And it's not actually that fair on him to give up responsibility for finances. OK, I can see that you don't think you can be trusted and show him how bad you feel, but at the same time what's needed is for you to do better, not step out of the game.

Obviously it wouldn't be sensible to renege on what you've said at this point but you need to do a lot more talking and sorting out something less about punishment and more about openness and working things equitably.

No I cannot budget at all, I am rubbish with money always have been (probably stems from a very poor childhood never having enough food etc) once I started earning I thought if I want it I will have it.

I got into debt before but we payed it off before I became a SAHM.

He never used to be as bad but I think once he became the sole earner he took it really seriously and he counts every penny. He has spreadsheets and is one of these people who knows exactly how much he has in his accounts, he even moves money so he can get a fiver off the bank !!!

£100 a week and that's for what? Food, clothes etc for a families of 6!!! I manage on just less than that for a family of 3!!

Sorry, it took me ages to write that.

I would have thought £100 a week to feed four DC and two adults isn't very much? DP and I can get to £50 very easily in an unextravagant weekly shop, so on reflection it sounds like your DP has been a bit unreasonable in expecting you to manage, but then maybe you could have broached it with him earlier. Is he always that unapproachable?

You're being very very hard on yourself here. It sounds like he's made way more than his fair share of mistakes along the way - and you've stood by him. Don't let him make you feel like the silly little girl.

Start your own spreadsheets - as someone who was totally, shockingly bad with money I can tell you they really help keep tabs on things. And use online banking - so much easier to see what's what. Take back some control and it stops being so terrifying.

Yes, I bet HE'S not watching every penny and chasing his tale just to live is he?

In the past he gives me a "wage" so to speak. I pais the bills and had my spending money. If we went out of the day and it cost £60 he would give me £30 extra.

My proposal is that obviously I cannot be trusted and he cannot trust me going forward (God it sounds so much like the alcohol issue) so he gives me what I need cash wise then anything else I need I will ask him for. In a way I see this as a good thing as now he will see what I actully do pay for, all the wee things he doesn't see.

I am annoyed he has turned to drink again, any crisis and he turns to it. He's been sober for years now apart from the odd blip once or twice a year. I know he's upset but is this just an excuse, he's already said he's going to phone his boss and ask for tomorrow as leave as he cannot get his head around this (is it just an excuse to go out and get hammered).

The other thing is his friend is also in a similar position in that he hides debts from his partner (!) so I don't know how much help he will be plus I bet he will never tell him about the drinking.

Oh I want to hug you too.

It's not ideal, I admit, but lots of people are in this position, more so than ever. I'm in a similar amount of debt and I work and don't have kids. It happens. It's not an insurmountable amount to claw back.

Please don't hate yourself. Your mismanagement is the product of a lot of things - including mismanagement, and maybe control on his part too. Money is a big bone of contention between many couples - we all have such different approaches, savers, spenders etc. Not earning your own money is hard.

That £100 a week does not include food, the food comes out his account usually £130 a week online then £30-40 top up, thats for 6 of us, one in nappies and no alcohol.

He has told me that we have over £900 a month spare, when I mean spare I mean for everything else like car tax, insurance etc we also have a Next account for the sales that he pays off.

We have no other debt btw he hardly buys anything either. I've never felt well off, we don't go abroad, we have 2 cars but they are quite old. Things are falling apart in the house we make do.

Well if your 'D'P wasn't so financially abusive and controlling

maybe he has to keep a very tight rein on the finances because OP cannot manage money. Lots of people cant and need to be "managed"

I think the biggest problem here is, as usual, lack of communication throughout the whole marriage

We still have nearly half the money needed for the extension so once it's built we will remortgage anyway so the 5K he's had to pay out will be swallowed up by that.

He's now talking about the knock on effect this will have, he's going to cancel our planned days out in a few weeks and our holiday next year which I am so sad about as the kids will miss out.

Maybe he's just in shock and will calm down.

I have said to him time and time again about me getting a job, I want to earn my own money but with 4 DC I sdon't know how practical it would be, DP works 60 hour weeks, an hours commute there and back so out the house 6-6. We have no family support whatsoever so it's just me and him.

I jsut felt I couldn't tell him as I know how he is with money, he talks about it every day, goes on and on. I have just buried my head in the sand about it all.

No I cannot budget I openly admit that.

The silly man hasn't been paying eneough money to feed and heat either himself or his own children.

You should never have been in this position in the first place.

Is there a reason why you couldn't tell him how much your family and family home actually costs to run?

poor you.

How is he the tosser?
The OP should have been more honest if not got enough money.
He is right to be angry, she was spending a lot and being stupid getting further in debt.
But well done on finally being truthful. You both need to sit down and sort out a budget

Oh he's gone off on the piss because it's all too much is it? Boo Hoo.

A great saying I read on here "poor me, poor me, pour me another!" the wail of the whiny, any excuse drinker!

Oh and whoever said why didn't she tell him she didn't have enough? Maybe she was too scared of setting off one of his self indulgent benders! Ime men like this are not very approachable.