Told DP last night I have run up huge debts, he's taken it really badly, don't know what to do?

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Am a regular who has namechanged. Basically I am an complete and utter idiot, I am a SAHM with 4 DCs under 10. DP and I have been together for years and years. I always had a little bit on my credit card, then the bank increased my overdraft and I ran that up so stupidly decided to pay it off with the credit card, cue vicious cycle of running short every month and having to borrow from the credit card. I thought I could handle it and pay it off before DP found out or at least pay some of it off.

I never spent it on crazy things for myself, just bills, extra shopping, stuff for the kids etc. DP gives me a regular amount into my bank account but until recently if we spent something or went somewhere I would have to pay half which is fine. He got a really good promotion 8 months ago but I didn't see any of the money but what he did do was start to pay for more so instead of 50/50 it was more like 20/80 him paying for the extras.

So I thought the debt was about 3K but found out a few weeks ago it was actually 4,200 I told him last night about it. He immediately set out and payed the card and my overdraft off with our savings (earmarked for a house extension) and I told him to take all my cards and from now on he will be completely responsible for the household expenses, just to give me £30 a week for sundries etc.

I feel so guilty and crap about it all, he keeps asking me why didn't I tell him when it was 1K, 2K etc but I was scared to as he is so anal with money. I said to him that I would understand if he wanted us to spilt up, I cannot go on like this, it's taken a toll on my health, I have panic attacks, cannot sleep, cannot eat, stressed everytime I spend something etc.

So this morning he said he couldn't be in the same house as me as he needed to think so I went out for the day, just walked and walked. I've come home and now he says he needs to go out and talk to someone as he cannot get his head around it.

He also has a drinking problem, has been on top of it for years, he's a binge drinker and once he starts he cannot stop, can go on binges for days and has also been convicted of drink driving 3 times, I've stood by him all these times and in general things have gotten a lot better. He had a drink last night and now he's gone out he's definitely going to get hammered tonight. Thankfully he's not taken the car.

I know I have done wrong, I'm a total idiot and I should have told him ages ago. We're not on the breadline he has a good job and since his promotion he's been saying about how much free cash we have :S I just don't know what to do now.

Thanks for listening I haven't told anyone in RL any of this I am too ashamed. I am so down about this and I don't know what I would do if it weren't for the DCs.

Abusive ? Op is the deceitful one

Have a look at the link I posted kilmuir.

OP - you do not earn any money. He gives you an "allowance" of £800pcm, £600 of which covers bills. That leaves you with £200. From that £200, if you have a day out he expects you to pay 1/2. Good grief - you receive about one quarter of the money, three quarters of which is for bills and he expects you to stump up half

When I was a SAHM DH didn't give me a penny as an allowance. I had a little bit of money of my own and I bought all the food and everything the dc and I needed and used to fill up the car which I had unrestricted use of. I used to put every bill/receipt in a box or on a post it note if there wasn't a bill and at the end of the month he used to write me a cheque. I am not the last of the big spenders but with just two children and turning the clock back 9 years, you know what, that cheque used to come to between £700 and £800 pcm. There were never questions asked and if I had had to pay for something hefty such as a flat tyre or the man from Rentokil for the rat it was just added on.

He has been a tightwad and he has been unreasonable. This is his fault not yours. You let the debt build up because he is unreasonable and actually he is now making you feel guilty because he has paid the debt from savings he should have been sharing with you to prevent this from happening.

I also have the £242 CB

He texted me and I said I had posted it all on MN and he replied "Not interested, I feel how I feel, couldn't give a fuck about MN. Clear?"

Am going to send him this link though, I want him to see what other people think about all of this who aren't emotionally involved.

He sounds really charming.

How about you text back "well darling, I have been educated about a few things and there are going to be a few changes around here, Clear?"

£242 CB - OK - who pays the dinner money, the bus fares, the 101 little things they need, the school trips, the mufti day money, the world book day money, the birthday cards and presents for other dc's parties, etc, etc,. My dh has never ever asked what the cb money goes on. I have occasionally said and every penny goes on the kids.

Hmm, we have a family of six. After bills and food I certainly don't spend anything like £100 a week! Mine are 7, 5 and 2 (dts). We spend £58 on staples and about another £70 max for fresh things. I buy clothes from eBay for the whole family and maybe spend a max of £1000 in total over the year, again with shoes although we get clarks shoes this is also about £600-700 per year. During the week we spend £2 on snack at school, £5 on guitar lessons for ds and sometimes I will buy juice or raisins or an ice cream or something after school. travelling is free, I make packed lunches. I can see how expenses could increase though if you need to pay petrol or bus fares.

It sounds like you are scared of him op. is that why you didn't negotiate a real budget?

If he lived in this house he'd be coming home to find the locks changed - and I'm not one to cry "leave the bastard".

Yes it's all me. The top up shops, if one of the DCs need new clothes (outwith the next sale), the dinner money/rainbows/gynastics/swimming etc is included in the £600 bills. I pay for anything else over and above that like the book days, sponsor money all of that stuff.

if the car tax was due he would "take" money off my spending money. I would just have to try and adjust accordingly, this is when the debts started.

Jesus. I'm not surprised. No doubt he also timed his drinking so as not to require a binge around the time of the car tax payment? Let me guess: that never occurred to him. There's always money for alcohol?

Of course the debts are bad, but to be honest for a guy on his salary (I earn a similar amount) it wouldn't be a killer to pay off over a period of time. He doesn't have to punish your children by cancelling all their days out over the summer, that strikes me as petty.

I think you are far more ready to admit your problems and weaknesses than he is. I don't think he acknowledges that his drinking is a problem (as a recovering drinker myself, I think a far worse problem than the debt).

You can learn to budget together, I'm not sure he can learn to not to drink. To start off with, why not have a look at some good websites, like The Motley Fool, Moneysaving Expert and You Need a Budget.

And can I just say to: He's been sober for years now apart from the odd blip once or twice a year. - that's not sober, for an alcoholic. His reaction to this (extreme boozing to the point of booking a day off work ) is classic.

The way I look at it He has put You in this position.Do NOT take the blame. As far as I can see you ran a house. You have not gambled or frittered or thrown the money away. The house you run also just happens to be the one where he lives and the one which is full of his children. Oh, and BTW - You do not drink. Expensive habit, that one.

With his bonus my DH can earn over £60k btw but we can't afford a holiday and have to budget tightly to manage because of the huge tax burden. We have one car (multipla) and a motorbike, DH does not have any driving convictions and we also live up north (mortgage £800pm) there is absolutely no way in hell we could afford for me to spend more than £100 per week on stuff that is inessential, we are paying £2k per year for my degree ATM though. I'm not sure whether you are BU to have overspent or he is BU to expect you to manage but I don't think that matters, what is definitely unreasonable is his total financial control of the whole family. This had to stop, I don't see how it is reasonable to expect that the partner who is actively caring for the children has no access to the money meant to pay for them and I think it is a really bad sign if you are too afraid of him to negotiate equality within the relationship. Also if you are willing to support him with his problems but he punishes you and the children for yours.

He's left you short of funds, that's why the debt ran up. I'm not so convinced that you are bad with budgeting at all - someone who eeks out the food bill as you do is £ savvy. Instead I think you scared to tell your OH the reality of what things cost about which, he hasn't a clue, yet he is in control of the family finances. Barmy.

Now I've seen in black and white what he earns I can't understand why you are expected to manage on so little.

You need to start writing down what things are really costing.

I don't understand what your allowance is supposed to cover?

If they are all of school age and have activities to do that costs an absolute fortune. School lunches for 3 dc at £2 per day is over £1k per school year!

The fact you were scared to talk to him about it says it all, he is controlling with money - there is a big stash somewhere else what does he spend it on, nice clothes, nice lunches, going out after work???

The binges have decreased over the years, now they are 2-3 times a year and he actually comes home and doesn't go out for days on end. He has been trying to give it up altogether.

I have wanted to say to him "let he who is without sin cast the first stone" a few times over the past day. But two wrongs do not make a right.

He does ask me most months if I'm ok for money, I've usually just said it's tight but I'm ok rather than say "well no I've had to put £200 on the credit card again" He did say to me a few days ago "why do you never have money left at the end of the month, you never say I have £20 left we can buy X?" he has also said that it wouldn't matter how much he gave me I would spend it? On the way hand probably true but is it a reason not to give me enough.

I am thinking yes I was very wrong to lie to him and not tell him about the debt but he needs to ask himself why?

Your husband sounds like an arse.

You're a SAHM and he's giving you an allowance, ffs?

This is ludicrous. Why on earth do you not just share the bank account, like equal partners?

He takes sandwiches to work every day and buys coffee in Tesco instead of paying for the machine. His clothes he buys in the sale or at a discount. He hardly ever goes out. He has his car but that's bought outright but his petrol is £££s a month plus wear and tear on the car, recent bill was £400.

Two school age DC who take packed luncehs 4 days a week. They always need something though, they go through clothes like no ones business. No I don't drink, hardly ever go out, buy myself nothing (the odd bit of moisturiser or foundation is a luxury). I badly need a haircut and have done for months but cannot afford it.

I've said about a joint bank account in the past but he's always said no he's too anal with money and would question every withdrawal.

I have never seen it as an allowance more like money to cover the bills I have coming out plus spends.

If you struggle to contain your spending even if you do have enough money then there are things you can do to help yourself.

Start writing down everthing you spend.

Withdraw the money for known purhchases for the month eg. August school shoes £120 or with trainers £240!

After school acitivities £100

etc etc

Then what you have left is to spend freely, use cash and once it's gone it's gone.

Car fuel has gone up massively in recent years and if you have to use your car a lot that will make a huge difference in where your money going, as food shopping in your top up shops etc etc.

Why do you feel anxious and down, what else could you do to feel better about yourself rather than spend money on the dc?

What do you do for yourself?

His attitude stinks btw.

£60k doesn't go far after tax and mortgage when you have 6 randommess there may not be a stash at all!

See the thing is dcs don't "need" schools shoes and trainers and they don't "need" loads of after school activities either. I don't buy "they go through clothes" either when my secondhand clothes do for two children. We have a joint account, I know how much is there and it always runs out at the end of the month even though we are very frugal.

I do think it is your h that is the problem because he simply cannot expect the household to run efficiently by locking you out of the money. I also think he is not sober if he binges once every couple of months and I don't see how he can go out drinking (costs serious ££££s) and cancel dcs trips.

However, it may be that you need to adjust your expectations about what is needed and what you can afford too. You would much better be able to do this if your finances were organised jointly. He sounds a nasty abusive little man though so I'm not sure what use it would be trying to negotiate like an equal, he doesn't consider you one.

Offred we are a family of 6, 3dc at primary school and 1 teenager and erm dh and I both work full time, pay for childcare and between us earn notably less than £60k!!!!

Though we do cut our cloth accordingly.

Have one car - use it as little as possible, our dc don't do lots of ££ activities, don't go on holiday etc etc etc

Sounds like neither of them really know where the money goes and are prepared to make changes to enjoy better financiall security.