Told DP last night I have run up huge debts, he's taken it really badly, don't know what to do?

[changed12]

Am a regular who has namechanged. Basically I am an complete and utter idiot, I am a SAHM with 4 DCs under 10. DP and I have been together for years and years. I always had a little bit on my credit card, then the bank increased my overdraft and I ran that up so stupidly decided to pay it off with the credit card, cue vicious cycle of running short every month and having to borrow from the credit card. I thought I could handle it and pay it off before DP found out or at least pay some of it off.

I never spent it on crazy things for myself, just bills, extra shopping, stuff for the kids etc. DP gives me a regular amount into my bank account but until recently if we spent something or went somewhere I would have to pay half which is fine. He got a really good promotion 8 months ago but I didn't see any of the money but what he did do was start to pay for more so instead of 50/50 it was more like 20/80 him paying for the extras.

So I thought the debt was about 3K but found out a few weeks ago it was actually 4,200 I told him last night about it. He immediately set out and payed the card and my overdraft off with our savings (earmarked for a house extension) and I told him to take all my cards and from now on he will be completely responsible for the household expenses, just to give me £30 a week for sundries etc.

I feel so guilty and crap about it all, he keeps asking me why didn't I tell him when it was 1K, 2K etc but I was scared to as he is so anal with money. I said to him that I would understand if he wanted us to spilt up, I cannot go on like this, it's taken a toll on my health, I have panic attacks, cannot sleep, cannot eat, stressed everytime I spend something etc.

So this morning he said he couldn't be in the same house as me as he needed to think so I went out for the day, just walked and walked. I've come home and now he says he needs to go out and talk to someone as he cannot get his head around it.

He also has a drinking problem, has been on top of it for years, he's a binge drinker and once he starts he cannot stop, can go on binges for days and has also been convicted of drink driving 3 times, I've stood by him all these times and in general things have gotten a lot better. He had a drink last night and now he's gone out he's definitely going to get hammered tonight. Thankfully he's not taken the car.

I know I have done wrong, I'm a total idiot and I should have told him ages ago. We're not on the breadline he has a good job and since his promotion he's been saying about how much free cash we have :S I just don't know what to do now.

Thanks for listening I haven't told anyone in RL any of this I am too ashamed. I am so down about this and I don't know what I would do if it weren't for the DCs.

All I know is that when two adults are jointly responsible for running a household, then they simply can't act like two separate entities, or it just doesn't work. This is the case no matter how much or how little money is coming in. If you aren't communicating spending to each other, then debts are going to be run up.

Your dh has all these spreadsheets, but it will do you no good if it's only for his own spending. It looks like at some point you agreed a specific amount for your spending, and your dh was happily budgeting accordingly, believing that what you were getting each month was adequate to cover what you need. In fact, with the designer clothes remarks, he seems to have thought you had more than enough.

If you didn't have enough, for any reason, you should have sat down and showed him.

If he's insisting that 4 fast growing dcs are kitted out in next/gap gear then that would add up to £4k in what 2 years maybe?

He needs to lower his expectations.

Op- how much do you spend on gifts for each other? And gifts for dcs birthdays/Christmas?

Op, I manage our accounts since becoming a sahm (need to keep a closer eye).
I use a spreadsheet which I update before the beginning of each month with all the known bills and all the planned outgoings. This includes everything from fun time with the Dcs to food and school stuff. If its not on the spreadsheet I don't spend it.
It works really well. I have a column for uncleared balance and actual balance. I use Internet banking every morning for 3 mins to update the cleared figures.

I have had PND, normal depression, anxiety, self esteem issues, agrophobia, some days it's enough just to get out the house. I feel a terrible mother, I hate myself most days, I suppose spending on the DC is my way of making myself feel better.

Not excusing myself at all.

The fact you do have these issues, would explain why you compulsively spend. You get lots from next, which he pays for.

So you've been spending 330-440 taking into account when you got less. On the kids, days out etc. Then more ontop of that. So you have been overspending, which needs addressing.

That's not financial abuse.

changed please please please do something to help sort out how you feel about yourself. That is something worth spending money on

Could you take up some exercise class when the youngest is at nursery in Sept? What do you think would make you a better mother?

I get the impression that you run around like a headless chicken ferrying your dc everywhere, perhaps you could stop and take stock and spend these summer holidays doing simple things with your dc? They help you make a picnic and go to the park together etc etc

I have had/still have these sort of issues I get "mini addictions" puschairs, washable nappies, I don't have one at the moment and I do miss it BUT I recognise that they don't really make me feel better I need to find enjoyment in the everyday things around me.

It's not easy.

I didn't think it was financial abuse, overspending yes, burying my head in the sand, not telling DP I needed more money yes.

I feel so so guilty

Youngest doesn't start nursery until next Aug.

It's true I get no time to myself, DP and I haven't had a night out since DD1 was born 8 years ago but we knew it would be like this. DPs parents are both dead, my Mother well the less said about her the better, toxic. my Dads ok but totally useless at anything practical.

I just can't get my head around him cancelling the family holiday for the sake of clawing back 1K, and making the OP explain to the children WHY this is happening. This is so fucking controlling and dysfunctional. Why punish the children and encourage them to blame mum? Children shouldn't be dragged into parental arguments about money. And how much does he spend on booze per year?

OP, you need to woman up and stop this nonsensical "I can't cope with money" crap. Grow a pair, tell DH you want to learn how to take responsibility for the household budget and work with him to restructure your finances together. You have to make him aware of how much it costs to run your home according to the lifestyle he wants to maintain.

Many were quick to say it was though....before they realised it was pin money, he paid for all the next clothes and was saving thousands for an extension.

I think he's right to be angry. If he can't calm down and uses it as a stick, well that's another matter, for you to then decide if you can continue.

But if he's been under huge pressure with a new job, having to save for this "needed" extension that you really want. I can see why he's furious. You need to work together.

I agree with mosschops.

Plenty of people manage on far less, in far worse circumstances. Take some responsibility for this ?

I can strongly recommend going on to moneysavingexpert.com debt free wannabe and let them help you get in control of your spending. It could give you something to focus on, how much can you save in 4 months?

You need to find something to do that will make you feel good about yourself. Would changing your spending habits make you happier, give you something that you feel you have achieved?

Your dh's drinking is another issue to be addressed at some point but at the moment focus on you and your emotional needs.

He only drinks 2-3 times a year now so isn't spending loads on it.

The extension is needed, we have 3 bedrooms, two are smallish doubles, couldn't get two single beds in for example, one is a teeny box room can't even get a full size single bed in it, 2 yo is still in a cot crammed in our room. We've scaled it down as much as we can to just what wee need, we're not having lavish new kitchens for example, it's purely bedrooms for the DC.

I am sorry you are feeling so depressed. Could you go to,your GP? You need to address these deep issues you have (counselling and or medication?) xx

Been to the GP been on meds she said I had to tell DP, meds weren't working

You also need therapy, to tackle the depression and anxiety.

OP.. you're married right? Sorry if I missed that detail...

Which meds have you tried?

I think it's was 3rd or 4th ones before I found anything that has helped and then once they're helping you're in a better frame of mind to tackle the root causes through therapy.

This is a good show that goes into the reasons with each person about why they are over spending - you are not alone and it's on this week

www.tvguide.co.uk/titlesearch.asp?title=Spendaholics&

When I met my H his mum had just taken out a loan for £15k to clear his debts. He repaid her each month.

He then ran up another £1k on credit card so I put it onto a 0% card in my name to save him the interest. Then behind my back he ran up just over £2k again.

I was so upset, I confronted him and walked out as he couldn't accept that what he was doing was wrong. He rang his friend expecting sympathy and was told that he was a twat.

We then talked , he apologised to me and never did it again. But I never fully trusted him over money and did keep control of the finances.

His brother ran up 40k in credit card debt, his mum remortgaged the house to clear it, and in just under three years he ran up the same amount again and went bankrupt. His sister had their house repossessed because of their debts.....

A very sorry tale of a family who can't control their spending, if they want it they buy it whether they can afford it or not...

I can totally understand how your husband would need time to get his head round it all and i think the right thing for him to do is take control of the finances.

There is a very good budget planner on Martin Lewis monrysavingexpert website that helps you to work out your family budget snd if you are overspending.

You have done the right thing and a very brave thing in telling your husband. I hope it all works out for you.

(on a seperate note me and my H are divorcing and he is already sliding back into debt)

Ok, so I've lost track with who earns what and which allowance is whos but a couple of things worry me about this.

a)why do you not know how much your mortgage is? How much your average bills are?

Your DH's income is the household income. You need to know how much this is and where it needs to go.

b) Why are you paying council tax from your allowance? Surely this should be a household bill?

I think you need to sit down with your DH and sort out proper bugets and proper accounts. this all smacks a little of 'his hard earned money and a little for the wifee'.

I suggest you look into how bugeting will work best for you - what ever that looks like. The fact that he seems to be punishing you by indulging himself is an entirely different matter.

I hope you can sort this out, I suspect you aren't as much as at fault as you think you are.

Read the thread Mavis. OPs DP gives her enough that she has £440 per month for incidental expenses. It is her lack of financial control that has caused this - not him being a tightwad.

Just to come back to this DP came back at lunchtime today, he stayed at a friends. We talked again he said there's no point in dwelling on it what's done is done and we need to move on. We sat down and went through all our finances again, I cancelled a few things to save some money. We spoke about where the money goes etc. he says we won't cancel our holiday next year.

We also went through everything I need to pay for, all the things like haircuts, school stuff I would have just paid for and said nothing. I think he's realised I do pay for a lot he's not recognised.

Thanks to everyone who gave advice I've taken a lot on board, I never want to be like this again, it nearly killed me.

Why don't you have a date night every week? Talk through the finances and then eat dinner together and chill?

Perhaps that way you can become more confident in your ability to handle finances and he can see how what you pay for isn't very predictable etc.

Really pleased to hear that. Sometimes staying together needs compromise on both sides but for someone who has been married forever, when the hard yards pass (and they are hard yards when dc are small) it proves worth it and over time you love and understand each other better because of some of the hills you climb together not in spite of them. Let him support you and help you budget and hopefully he will let you support him over the drinking.

Good luck OP you sound as though you deserve it. >>>hugs