Told DP last night I have run up huge debts, he's taken it really badly, don't know what to do?

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Am a regular who has namechanged. Basically I am an complete and utter idiot, I am a SAHM with 4 DCs under 10. DP and I have been together for years and years. I always had a little bit on my credit card, then the bank increased my overdraft and I ran that up so stupidly decided to pay it off with the credit card, cue vicious cycle of running short every month and having to borrow from the credit card. I thought I could handle it and pay it off before DP found out or at least pay some of it off.

I never spent it on crazy things for myself, just bills, extra shopping, stuff for the kids etc. DP gives me a regular amount into my bank account but until recently if we spent something or went somewhere I would have to pay half which is fine. He got a really good promotion 8 months ago but I didn't see any of the money but what he did do was start to pay for more so instead of 50/50 it was more like 20/80 him paying for the extras.

So I thought the debt was about 3K but found out a few weeks ago it was actually 4,200 I told him last night about it. He immediately set out and payed the card and my overdraft off with our savings (earmarked for a house extension) and I told him to take all my cards and from now on he will be completely responsible for the household expenses, just to give me £30 a week for sundries etc.

I feel so guilty and crap about it all, he keeps asking me why didn't I tell him when it was 1K, 2K etc but I was scared to as he is so anal with money. I said to him that I would understand if he wanted us to spilt up, I cannot go on like this, it's taken a toll on my health, I have panic attacks, cannot sleep, cannot eat, stressed everytime I spend something etc.

So this morning he said he couldn't be in the same house as me as he needed to think so I went out for the day, just walked and walked. I've come home and now he says he needs to go out and talk to someone as he cannot get his head around it.

He also has a drinking problem, has been on top of it for years, he's a binge drinker and once he starts he cannot stop, can go on binges for days and has also been convicted of drink driving 3 times, I've stood by him all these times and in general things have gotten a lot better. He had a drink last night and now he's gone out he's definitely going to get hammered tonight. Thankfully he's not taken the car.

I know I have done wrong, I'm a total idiot and I should have told him ages ago. We're not on the breadline he has a good job and since his promotion he's been saying about how much free cash we have :S I just don't know what to do now.

Thanks for listening I haven't told anyone in RL any of this I am too ashamed. I am so down about this and I don't know what I would do if it weren't for the DCs.

If the relationship is worth working at then you need to sit down, if necessary with someone mediating, and work out a more equitable arrangement that gives you much more equal access to the family money. Since I had our children all our money has gone into one joint account, from which all bills and family expenses are paid. When I'm working there is an excess that goes into joint savings, when I've been on mat leave we've had to draw on savings. We each get a £200 allowance paid into personal accounts to spend on stuff for ourselves with no justification required. We can both see from the statements and online banking where the joint money is going. Your DH is angry now, probably because you didn't trust him and got unnecessarily further into debt, but you have stuck by him through his problems, it's reasonable to expect him to accept an apology and put a better system into place for the future. Please don't abdicate all responsibility for finances to him, how does that equip you to be any better with money? You'd just be even more trapped and unable to buy the stuff you need without building up credit card debt. You contribute to the smooth running of the family unit by being the stay at home parent, you shouldn't feel you have to go cap in hand for money. It sounds like he has had no input into how your allowance is spent or what happens if you need something extra one month, perhaps it all being more transparent means you'll think about what 'family' money you are spending. I do think it's important that your budget does allow you both some money that is for personal/frivolous purchases though, if that is at all possible.

As I said I get £800 from him and £242 CB, that leaves me £400 a month to go on top ups etc. yes I've frittered it away on rubbish probably clothes, presents, Christmas, birthdays, shopping.

I know I have a problem and I've held my hands up I cannot cope anymore I want to get better. A lot of the debt comes from when I only got £700 a month from him but had to go half on things like days out etc

Sorry cross post. Hope you get things sorted.

I dont see why the OP has to try and cut our car journeys//after school activitis. She and her DP have disposable income?

Ok. That to me is the problem the random reducing of the amount, it may be necessary based on his expenses but by locking you out of the household budget and cutting the money at will he is not giving you a chance to budget properly especially if you have some fixed expenses like council tax. However when you know he had given you less you can cut down on things like driving etc.

But op, he saves right? For the extension, so that £900 is not a true figure is it? As he saves, hence why he's been able to bail you out.

Didn't you say he paid the next bill? Which is extortionate btw. So don't have a running balance.

£440 per month, is more than enough pin money, for extras, to go halves on days out, etc. Still having haircuts, manicures, etc. If a big spend is coming up such as a birthday, tax, etc. then either spend less or save less. But that requires communication, not running up your overdraft in secret.

I don't see what he's done as financial abuse, having been in a relationship like that before. I see crazy overspending, though. As when you only got £700 from him, that was still £340 pin money. So although that maybe a struggle, if you are into foils, manicures and extravagent presents and a huge next bill. Why didn't you say? As it should have been more than enough for days out.

We sat down last night and he payed everything off with the savings (so no more dreams about bailiffs at least). We then went through my outgoings etc I am sure if I asked he would take me through his. I am going to transfer the household bills into his account then just leave mine for my spends and my phone (looking at a cheaper contract). I said he should just give me cash each week but he said he will get me a card for the account that is in both our names.

What it means is that we will have to borrow the money he's payed off from the bank for the extension via a new mortgage I feel crap about this too.

He's said cancelling next years holiday will claw back 1K but I have to tell the DCs more crap.

To be honest I think the OP's budgeting skills are the least of their worries here. She has said that she feels scared of him when he's been drinking and he can be abusive when drunk. :( I'd be thinking about ways of exiting the relationship and separating finances, if I was in that situation. OP, hope things improve for you. he sounds very difficult and I would be taking a hard line on the drinking and the chiding you like you are a stupid child. You are not - you are an adult and worthy of respect and consideration. It sounds like the spending is a symptom of your low self worth, but maybe a lot of low self worth comes from having to deal with him! It does sound like you would be better off without his being drunk all the time. Is he getting help for it - does he accept he has a drinking problem? these are the questions I'd be asking myself.

Right let me get this straight you get over £1k a month, £500 on bills which leaves you £500 to spend per month as a SAHM on sundries because food is paid for by your dp.
and people think your dp is abusive???
Fuck me wish i could be abused like this.
Me and dh work full time, 3 dcs, earn about £75k between us and have nowhere near £500 per month disposable income. I normally budget about £160 per month for extras like petrol because its all i have left.

I think you have run up unecessary debts, and i think at any time you coud have said 'i need more money' to your dp but for whatever readon you didnt. I think you know you have been pissing it up the wall and thats why you havent said anything. Your debt problem needs to be dealt with, you said it had happened before. Take some responsibility

However i do think your dp is totally out of order going on binges. He needs to shape up or ship out. Do you want to spend your life with someone like this? Who behaves like this when they have dcs? Its ridiculous and childish

Foils and manicures?? no chance I'm talking about a woman who comes to our house and cuts 6 heads for £50. I spend nothing on myself, the next account is in his name, he pays it off in 2-3 months.

Changed you don't have to agree a budget with US, fuck whether we think you ought to be walking to nursery or blah blah blah, you have to agree it with HIM.

You both have to sit down and work out line by line how much money in total the family has coming in, it all needs to go to a joint account, and then work out line by line how much you ALL spend as a FAMILY.

You need to discuss what you both agree is a reasonable amount to expect to save each month and you need everything to be joint so there is accountability if you start dipping in to savings.

This is only way to resolve this problem like equal adults.

Him taking "control" is what got you both into this mess in the first place.

If you are so crap with money (and I'm not saying you are, necessarily, I don't think we have enough info), this is the only way you will get good at managing money.

What mosschops said.

I don't think he sounds financially abusive at all. He's sat down at worked it out with you. Giving you a card to the joint account so he can keep tabs. Sensible really.

His drinking is entirely a different issue.....but this is about the debt.

I get why he's stressed. 4k is a lot on 60k with everything else that comes with it and all the expenses. It can't be easily replaced. Especially if you are tied into time restraints.

Say he saves 400 a month. That's 10 months. More than most could save, but still, if you'd planned to get an extension in a few months....a bit of an issue.

Can the extension wait? Rather than get a reportage.

I am stunned.

DH and I live on approx £42k per year we have 3 DS's 7,5 and 4mo.

We have separate bank accounts. Hubby pays £500pm into my account and i get £182 CHB All of this pays for £60 for my petrol, £150 for the gardener and the rest is for food, my phone, after school activities, clothes and days out etc.

Hubby pays all of the bills. My name is on the mortgage and deeds.

I budget my money and always have a little left to roll over. This gets put to one side and if shoes, school trip or uniform is needed then I will use this money or if needs be get hubby to make up the balance.

Although we have separate accounts we look on it as "our" debt - but I am 100% open about my spend with hubby and would never dream of lying to him.

You really need to sit down and speak to him about how/why you spend the way you do. Abdicating financial responsibility will not help you.

People saying you are not getting enough spare cash must not be aware of the economic recession we are all in...

It depends on what is actually going on. Reading the bits about stipulating buying designer clothes and her not having enough to cover expenses, being afraid to talk to him that would be financial abuse. If the reality is the op is not under pressure from him and wastes money on non-essentials using credit cards that isn't.

He's just told me off for buying Asda clothes which I think are fine. He doesn't want them in mega designer just Next, M&S, Gap etc.

I honestly don't know what it's went on, stupid I know it's not like £200. I was terrified to tell have tried so many times but I know how anal he is with money.

We really need the extension.

I am going to see what I can sell too. But there's no rows of designer clothes or shoes.

Where was that about the designer clothes? I missed it. I saw they get lots from next on the account in the sales....which he pays for. Op has said she gets £440
Pin money. That's not financial abuse, no where near it.

I think she's "pissed it up the wall" to quote another poster. Stupidly racked up an overdraft then paid that with a CREDIT CARD. Which was highly daft. Knowing she has form was to scared to admit that she'd done it again. IMHO.

It would help to get a fix on what you are spending your money on. Keep a money diary for a month. Write down everything you spend. Literally everything. I started doing this about a year ago and it's life changing. I still haven't got my accounts completely under control but I know where it all goes. If I'm out, I know why.

Anal with money or sensible? You've said yourself after expenses you've got £440. If he's been saving thousands for an extension, he's probably been giving himself the same ish.

Knowing you are terrible with money, have form, and you have 440 pin money and he's anal with cash? I don't think so, I really don't. I think your spending has distorted your thinking like that tbh. He's had the responsibility of saving thousands for this extension, might explain his "anal" attitude.

Do you eat/snack out go out for coffee often - that sort of expenditure really mounts up.

You need to start writing everything down each day that you've spent money on and start thinking about WHY you are buying these things. Why did you spend £50 on soft play and McDs if you didn't have the money to do so, why couldn't you say "no" to your dc? Are you very generous with friends, treating them to stuff, buying expensive gifts etc?

What is your issue with money? Has your dh always been "anal" with money?

My dh won't take on debt, is always worried about having enough money because his parents spent everything they had yet didn't have a steady income, never saved any in the good months to see them through the tight ones. Still it's fine, I'm happy to save first and spend later too.

I would be fuming if I had to bail someone out to the tune of £4k if half of that money was actually interest charges. However this does come back to why couldn't you tell him that month when he only gave you £700 that you couldn't manage, what would he have done/said, how would it have made you feel?

I've lost sympathy I'm afraid. How on earth can your DH be anal with cash if he's managed to save up over £4000 which enabled him to pay off your debt. I'm all for criticism when it's due. But really!!

What mosschops says.

I've read more of your posts. You really do need to take some responsibility. You don't know if you have enough money. You don't know where your money goes. You must learn this. You must put yourself through a programme of learning financial control. Do not let him be in charge of everything. You are an adult woman with children and you need to get to grips with this. Ignore everyone who says they live on 4p. This is your family and your family's finances and all that matters is that you make your books balance. Start by making notes every day. Write it all down. Don't be afraid. They're only numbers.

I'm not being funny op, bit he's given you a solution....you really need to look at your spending. I've got 4dcs, I manage foils etc. The kids have treats, holidays.

What you need to look at is...the trip into sainsbos for some fruit= forty quid by the time you've bought shite. Times that by 4...160 ish per month.

Coffee and lunch for you 12...how many times a week? Takeaway, soft play and food, meal out easy towards 60 for 4 kids. If not more.

Money is so easily frittered away with 4. That's why I get offreds point with how easily 60k can go...but still, you do need to budget.

I also think you have a not particulary helpful set up. I had this with my ex. It's very unbalanced. One person knows all about the household bills and the other pays extras. Things that are really joint then become the responsibility of just one parent. You can make it work, I'm sure but I think it's harder.