Told DP last night I have run up huge debts, he's taken it really badly, don't know what to do?

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Am a regular who has namechanged. Basically I am an complete and utter idiot, I am a SAHM with 4 DCs under 10. DP and I have been together for years and years. I always had a little bit on my credit card, then the bank increased my overdraft and I ran that up so stupidly decided to pay it off with the credit card, cue vicious cycle of running short every month and having to borrow from the credit card. I thought I could handle it and pay it off before DP found out or at least pay some of it off.

I never spent it on crazy things for myself, just bills, extra shopping, stuff for the kids etc. DP gives me a regular amount into my bank account but until recently if we spent something or went somewhere I would have to pay half which is fine. He got a really good promotion 8 months ago but I didn't see any of the money but what he did do was start to pay for more so instead of 50/50 it was more like 20/80 him paying for the extras.

So I thought the debt was about 3K but found out a few weeks ago it was actually 4,200 I told him last night about it. He immediately set out and payed the card and my overdraft off with our savings (earmarked for a house extension) and I told him to take all my cards and from now on he will be completely responsible for the household expenses, just to give me £30 a week for sundries etc.

I feel so guilty and crap about it all, he keeps asking me why didn't I tell him when it was 1K, 2K etc but I was scared to as he is so anal with money. I said to him that I would understand if he wanted us to spilt up, I cannot go on like this, it's taken a toll on my health, I have panic attacks, cannot sleep, cannot eat, stressed everytime I spend something etc.

So this morning he said he couldn't be in the same house as me as he needed to think so I went out for the day, just walked and walked. I've come home and now he says he needs to go out and talk to someone as he cannot get his head around it.

He also has a drinking problem, has been on top of it for years, he's a binge drinker and once he starts he cannot stop, can go on binges for days and has also been convicted of drink driving 3 times, I've stood by him all these times and in general things have gotten a lot better. He had a drink last night and now he's gone out he's definitely going to get hammered tonight. Thankfully he's not taken the car.

I know I have done wrong, I'm a total idiot and I should have told him ages ago. We're not on the breadline he has a good job and since his promotion he's been saying about how much free cash we have :S I just don't know what to do now.

Thanks for listening I haven't told anyone in RL any of this I am too ashamed. I am so down about this and I don't know what I would do if it weren't for the DCs.

Reality - why is it shit? It is totally shit to say to me what you are. You don't know anything at all about how far a £60k salary for a single earner family of six actually goes. You don't know how much tax we pay or how we live or what we can afford. We have exactly the same per person after tax as my Facebook friend who is claiming benefits.

£4k? You should have been in my house the day DH told me he had £1.2million worth of debt... that was um interesting. I wonder how your DP would've reacted to that!!!

Anyway as others above have said - you need to sit down and sort this out. This current financial arrangement is NOT working.

Grow up, darthsilius, they are only 7 and 5 and their feet are growing, they don't wear them out. If we bought other shoes we'd still have to buy them when they grew out of them.

Pumps are part of our school PE kit not trainers.

Dear me you are rather rude offred.

I am just totally confused that you say other people spend too much by buying trainers and shoes yet you spend more money on just shoes? Makes no financial sense.

I do see offreds point tbh. 60k with 4 kids, mortgage, extra tax, no tax credits etc. Does not go as far as you'd think, especially if you are saving. It here there is £900 di.

I don't think he necessarily sounds abusive, Wildly underestimated maybe. Too eager to save at the families expense maybe. But as X pointed out, he did always ask if she was ok, and she lied.

From what I've read, op after she's paid the "bills" she's got £100 to spend as and when. Coming from her last posts. Kids trips, shoes, clothes, etc. He gets the food. Now as a family of 6. In my experience £400 should, be easily covering that, even half of trips out.

I don't think showing him this thread is a wise idea tbh. Things sound heated....lots of people telling him he's a tosser, is going to make it 10 x worse.

Mine do wear them out now. They are similar ages to yours. The probably only go up a size a year since they were 4 though.

Sorry offred but you are the only person I've ever heard of who gets their kids to wear school shoes on weekends and holidays. Trainers cost 10 - 20 quid - unless you're on the breadline it would be quite normal to own trainers
(Wanders off shaking head at weird posts one reads on mumsnet)

Except that we don't reality, my DH gets a salary and a random unpredictable bonus he takes home about £2000 per month, then we get a bonus every June. Our tac payments are high because of the variable income and it can take and does take years to get any rebate.

Houseofpain. That £100 also covers all kids expenses and half of car insurance

In this thread that should read...£900 di. Op has £400 of that per month...nearer to £500 after she's paid her stuff. He gets the food etc. I fail to see how he has been financially controlling in that respect.

Darth which is what I'm saying. £500 per month. Op has said its nearer to this. Is more than enough for her and 4dcs. Expenses, car insurance, clubs, uniform, clothes, etc.

You haven't said how much you spend on shoes. I buy clarks shoes because of the dcs wide feet, other school shoes do not fit, pumps are ok because of the round end but school shoes are normally very narrow. I don't think £6-700 per year is unreasonable and although it may be normal to have trainers for the park I don't see it as necessary because they grow out of their school shoes fairly often and so I want the use of them. It would be pointless spending to buy them trainers when they have well fitted and comfortable expensive shoes and we are on a budget.

It sounds as though they want to have lifestyle that they can't afford.

The cost of running 2 cars especially if one drinks fuel and has expensive running repair costs is astronomical.

How many clothes do dc really need, not many. I wash most days and find they wear the same favourite outfits as soon as they are dry

I don't iron, wash things on a low/gentle spin, hang straight onto hangers once dry into wardrobe etc.

Also if you don't look at your balance at the begining of the month then you are going to get behind.

I really hope you get things sorted as there clearly several issues going on that shouldn't be and yes you both have faults and you are clearly ready to work on yours, I hope your dh is ready to work on his.

To get into the school shoes argument, mine get one pair of Clarks a year and a pair of boots, that's enough for them.

Trainers I get half price in the Next sale, ditto other shoes.

I do think 60K is a lot to live on even for a family of 6. I think our mortgage is £800 a month.

DP texted to say he really needs to talk to someone, I said yes you do. Then said booking a day off work and going on a binge is not going to help. I also said he has to ask himself why I couldn't tell him, Why I am scared of him and why the money he gave me wasnt enough?

He said I should think what I am texting and I'm not going to reply to this :S

He just sees me to blame for this for the deceit and the lies

I had £1040 a month, out of this I payed diesel, council tax, gas/elec, swimming lessons, my mobile phone, rainbows/brownies/toddlers/nursery toy fund/gymnastic lessons/dancing/top up shops/presents/haircuts/clothes/DC investment funds this came to £600, left me with £440, obviously not enough for me

He has spoke to payroll and HMRC numerous, numerous times. We got the rebate from 09/10 this April.

Thing is changed you don't actually know! I think that is his fault because he doesn't share the money or the budgeting with you!

Your family finances need looking at. This isn't a one person problem.

His response to yours is horrible and unkind and says that he doesn't see himself accountable to you but you are to him

So how much of that £440 went on debt/overdraft... presumably most of it?

Yes two cars are expensive, one is a 7 seater and eats diesel, that's my car. DP is an hours drive each way from work, he used to get teh bus but theres one a day and it meant he didn't get home until 7. With the DCs afterschool stuff and him just wanting to see them it makes more sense for him to have the flexibility of a car. I've often said to him about going back to one car but that would mean him giving up his car and taking mine to work and me walking everywhere, school is doable, nursery is quite far. Plus the afterschool stuff?

I was about £140 in credit card fees and overdraft charges each month

I don't ever want to feel like this again, as I said it has made me ill, I have problems sleeping, feel sick, have palpatations, feel sick everytime I spend money etc.

He said he loves me and wouldn't leave me over money