Told DP last night I have run up huge debts, he's taken it really badly, don't know what to do?

[changed12]

Am a regular who has namechanged. Basically I am an complete and utter idiot, I am a SAHM with 4 DCs under 10. DP and I have been together for years and years. I always had a little bit on my credit card, then the bank increased my overdraft and I ran that up so stupidly decided to pay it off with the credit card, cue vicious cycle of running short every month and having to borrow from the credit card. I thought I could handle it and pay it off before DP found out or at least pay some of it off.

I never spent it on crazy things for myself, just bills, extra shopping, stuff for the kids etc. DP gives me a regular amount into my bank account but until recently if we spent something or went somewhere I would have to pay half which is fine. He got a really good promotion 8 months ago but I didn't see any of the money but what he did do was start to pay for more so instead of 50/50 it was more like 20/80 him paying for the extras.

So I thought the debt was about 3K but found out a few weeks ago it was actually 4,200 I told him last night about it. He immediately set out and payed the card and my overdraft off with our savings (earmarked for a house extension) and I told him to take all my cards and from now on he will be completely responsible for the household expenses, just to give me £30 a week for sundries etc.

I feel so guilty and crap about it all, he keeps asking me why didn't I tell him when it was 1K, 2K etc but I was scared to as he is so anal with money. I said to him that I would understand if he wanted us to spilt up, I cannot go on like this, it's taken a toll on my health, I have panic attacks, cannot sleep, cannot eat, stressed everytime I spend something etc.

So this morning he said he couldn't be in the same house as me as he needed to think so I went out for the day, just walked and walked. I've come home and now he says he needs to go out and talk to someone as he cannot get his head around it.

He also has a drinking problem, has been on top of it for years, he's a binge drinker and once he starts he cannot stop, can go on binges for days and has also been convicted of drink driving 3 times, I've stood by him all these times and in general things have gotten a lot better. He had a drink last night and now he's gone out he's definitely going to get hammered tonight. Thankfully he's not taken the car.

I know I have done wrong, I'm a total idiot and I should have told him ages ago. We're not on the breadline he has a good job and since his promotion he's been saying about how much free cash we have :S I just don't know what to do now.

Thanks for listening I haven't told anyone in RL any of this I am too ashamed. I am so down about this and I don't know what I would do if it weren't for the DCs.

Having previously been in a relationship with someone who had no control over their spending I see it from the other POV. Going to work, earning a good salary, scrimping and saving yourself, only to find out you are no better off because your partner has frittered money away here & there or made bad decisions is horrible, I know I've been there. I used to literally feel sick at how my Ex wasted money we should have been saving.

Also, maybe I live in a different world to everyone else but £800 a month is a lot to be spending on odds and ends. As a LP I have only slightly more than that left each month (after I have paid mortgage, travel and childcare) to cover all bills including food, utilities, clothes etc. And we don't live frugally. But I certainly don't waste money either.

In the OP's DHs position, I would struggle firstly with the deceit about building up this debt in the first place, but also as to how it happened, and why that amount of money wasnt enough.

Offred why don't dc need school shoes or trainers?

But the key is both of you work randommess. We don't take home £60k as a single earner family the tax is much higher than two people earning £30k

They need school shoes, not school shoes AND trainers.

Glad you know so much about our life reality!!

Don't "need" school shoes, erm mine certainly do at least once per year, they get outgrown and are fit for bin by the summer hols if not before that! Then again my dc do have to walk to school...

Ours have never had trainers in their lives!

Hatesponge. The £800 includes £600 of bills & half of lots of other stuff

We don't earn £30k each - if only!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Plus we have childcare costs to pay!

What do yours do PE in then at school, what do they wear out of school to the park?

What footwear to your dc own???

He does ask me most months if I'm ok for money, I've usually just said it's tight but I'm ok rather than say "well no I've had to put £200 on the credit card again

He doesn't sound abusive. More like the pair of you have not communicated properly. If you never tell him when asked that you need more how is he supposed to know?

Then to find out you have run up debts when he asking if you are managing and you have said you are fine, no wonder he is pissed off. Especially if he thinks between you that you are saving for something.

When he comes back you need a sit and look at your finances together to see what you need.

I'm not trying to tell you how much you earn, I'm talking about how you have a higher tax burden as a single earner rather than two earner family on the same wage.

So how long do shoes last if worn every day? I doubt you are saving much money. My kids have roughly 2 pairs of shoes a year. If they wore them every day I imagine I would buy 2 pairs. Trainers are much cheaper than school shoes.

They do PE in pumps and they go to the park in their school shoes, I don't know why you would class trainers as a need. You might want them, prefer them, but you don't need them.

They have school shoes and pumps. They need new shoes when they grow out of them which is about 4 times a year max for the bigger ones.

Mine need trainers. They have wide feet & cheap plimsoles don't fit. Also are rubbish for playing football or rugby in.

This sounds like a mess that started small and is growing bigger by the minute.

The two of you need to communicate, together - listen to each other and work out a system that works for your family. Agree that you are a team, that problems need solving together. In truth, I think you should seriously consider counselling. And talk about why you don't trust each other - he doesn't trust you with money, you don't trust him to understand when you tell him about what was a problem with the budget.

Everyone has failings, occasional binge drinking (though frankly 3 drink driving convictions sounds serious to me) , or losing hold of the budget from time to time. It's very hard to see where money goes when it goes in dribs and drabs. Why not have once account for everything that is for joint family expenses - bills, food, kids clothing, days out, hols. Agree another account for savings and put the agreed amount in there straight away every pay day. Then have an agreed amount each for personal spending, kept in yet more accounts.

And keep a notebook - every day to day expense that comes off the joint account, jot it down, so you can both see where the money goes in your household and how much really is needed. With the sysyem you have at present it's hard for either of you to get an accurate overall picture. It seems like you did need more household money - but at the same time, how on earth did you underestimate the debt so much? Work all this out together if you can and come to a joint solution.

Offred, I understand what higher tax rate payers have to pay

Believe me our take home pay is significantly less than theirs, and we live in the SE so our mortgage is large for a teeny house and I was a SAHM when we lived off one salary...

I work full time for us as a couple to be a whole £70 per week better off...

Still it is our money, we budget together, we don't waste money on non-essentials, our luxuries these days are being able to afford to buy more or less what food we would like from the Supermarket.

Oh and most of our clothes are 2nd hand hand and we ebay/car boot on what we can.

Changed12 - that is a thought if you have spent lots of money on "stuff" can you ebay/car boot it to raise some funds?

So 4 prs of school shoes a year? I'm saving loads then with my 1 pair and 1 trainer and no plimsoles.

Mine have wide feet g or h width fitting and trainers do not fit which is part of the reason we shop at clarks (and that they last). They have all always managed to fit in pumps which have a Velcro or lace up fastening. You don't need trainers, it is such a first world problem to need special shoes for going to the park in.... If you can afford them it is nice to have them but you don't need them.

They have to have trainers from junior school onwards and OMG the school shoes wear out quick enough without playing out in as well!!! Plus when either pair get soaked at least they have an alternative to wear.

Not saying I've never overspent or had money difficulties and thought things were a bit unfair. I have. So not trying to be judgey. But honestly, the only way you are going to sort this out is to sit down and talk to each other about money. Paying necessities, and allowing for one off unexpected expenses, like car repairs and other things. Write it all down. Print a list of direct debits. Decide what's a reasonable amount you each should have for day to day expenses.

Not sure what your mortgage is. But I do think your DP has a point as to why you let this debt mount and mount and not say anything a bit sooner. But on the other hand don't like the system of all his wages going into one account that you don't have any access to when he is the only earner. Compared to a lot of people your household income is quite good. I'm sure you can work this out with a bit of joint effort but can see you are really unhappy at the moment.

The only Velcro plimsoles that were wide enough for my son were 3 sizes too big! But I can easily find trainers in sport direct. There is no way I could afford so many pairs of Clarkes shoes as you.