Told DP last night I have run up huge debts, he's taken it really badly, don't know what to do?

[changed12]

Am a regular who has namechanged. Basically I am an complete and utter idiot, I am a SAHM with 4 DCs under 10. DP and I have been together for years and years. I always had a little bit on my credit card, then the bank increased my overdraft and I ran that up so stupidly decided to pay it off with the credit card, cue vicious cycle of running short every month and having to borrow from the credit card. I thought I could handle it and pay it off before DP found out or at least pay some of it off.

I never spent it on crazy things for myself, just bills, extra shopping, stuff for the kids etc. DP gives me a regular amount into my bank account but until recently if we spent something or went somewhere I would have to pay half which is fine. He got a really good promotion 8 months ago but I didn't see any of the money but what he did do was start to pay for more so instead of 50/50 it was more like 20/80 him paying for the extras.

So I thought the debt was about 3K but found out a few weeks ago it was actually 4,200 I told him last night about it. He immediately set out and payed the card and my overdraft off with our savings (earmarked for a house extension) and I told him to take all my cards and from now on he will be completely responsible for the household expenses, just to give me £30 a week for sundries etc.

I feel so guilty and crap about it all, he keeps asking me why didn't I tell him when it was 1K, 2K etc but I was scared to as he is so anal with money. I said to him that I would understand if he wanted us to spilt up, I cannot go on like this, it's taken a toll on my health, I have panic attacks, cannot sleep, cannot eat, stressed everytime I spend something etc.

So this morning he said he couldn't be in the same house as me as he needed to think so I went out for the day, just walked and walked. I've come home and now he says he needs to go out and talk to someone as he cannot get his head around it.

He also has a drinking problem, has been on top of it for years, he's a binge drinker and once he starts he cannot stop, can go on binges for days and has also been convicted of drink driving 3 times, I've stood by him all these times and in general things have gotten a lot better. He had a drink last night and now he's gone out he's definitely going to get hammered tonight. Thankfully he's not taken the car.

I know I have done wrong, I'm a total idiot and I should have told him ages ago. We're not on the breadline he has a good job and since his promotion he's been saying about how much free cash we have :S I just don't know what to do now.

Thanks for listening I haven't told anyone in RL any of this I am too ashamed. I am so down about this and I don't know what I would do if it weren't for the DCs.

He is cancelling the holiday and day out to PUNISH the OP for not being able to manage on the pittance he gave her to feed a family of 6! CThis Man is a total Turd Patch!

I see your future OP and it doesn't look good. I rather suspect it now consists of trying to PROVE that you are NOT a spendthrift and having this occasion of where you nearly RUINED the family financially, held over your head and used as even more justification to financially abuse you.

ok - this is what I would suggest - you sit down (once he's sobered up) and make a budget for the whole family, what comes in each month, his wage, any CB or any other money and then look at bills, not 'I pay this, he pays that' - all the bills, including the cars (not 'mine' or 'his'), and averages what you spend on food and clothes for DCs.

Then set up a joint account, arrange for him to transfer enough to cover all bills, food and some money towards clothes for the DCs into that (I would also suggest CB goes into it if you are buying all DCs things from it). From what is left, spilt if three ways, one goes directly into savings, the rest is for each of you as 'fun' money - with DH also setting a standing order into your account for your share - that's your money, to do with as you like. (I personally suggest you then after he's transfered your 'fun money' to you, you put some of that back into the family savings each month to pay back the debt money, if you can). I really think just handing all responsiblity over to him isn't going to solve the problem. You both need to be equally responsible for the family bills and monitoring the joint account. Handing over responsibilty to the other one doesn't help anyone.

Your DH probably isn't angry about hte money BTW - he's angry that you have run up debts for the family and not told him, you've kept secrets. You've allowed him to spend money thinking you were ok financially as a team, but you weren't. It sounds like there was spare money that could have stopped this quickly, whereas you let him think you were ok financially so he spent his 'fun' money that could have cleared your debt.

Ok, why didn't you tell him it wasn't enough OP?

Op well done for telling him. I have debt & it's one of the reasons my ex left me and my child. I know how hard telling him
Must have been, so I just wanted to say well done

Is it a pittance though? Should I have been able to manage on it? He gave me £800 a month, I had over £400 a month left over, probably nearer £500. That was just for top up shops, stuff for myself and the kids clothes wise.

I often sit and wonder why I felt so poor, right to be blunt he earns 60K a year, we have no debts (apart from mine now paid off), we live up North so don't have a crippling mortgage. There's friends I know with less than that coming in and I look at their homes/cars/childrens clothes and think "how can they do it?" DP said it's because they have less children than us and family helping out maybe it is.

I never wanted to keep up with the Jones' we chose to have 4 DC knowing it would mean I probably wouldn't be able to work for a good few years and we would have less. I don't want a brand new car or holidays abroad, I'm happy for the kids to be dressed in Asda or Primark.

At the beginning of each month I would buy what we needed, not look at my bank balance, then think shit I don't have enough left to cover the bills, I'm going to have to stick it on the credit card, I know completely stupid. If I had said to him "I need more money" it would have opened up a whole can of worms about me not being able to budget.

I don't understand why you didn't say you didn't have enough money? - you keep saying that you didn't spend it on rubbish, that it was things you needed or he wanted (e.g the kids dressed in certain brands) so why didn't you say that the 'allowance' was not covering it?

either a) your dp is a bully which makes you too scared to have a normal everyday conversation about how much money is in your purse or b) you have serious problems with money and a tendency to secret spending spending for a self-esteem boost or mood rush (much like secret eating or drinking)... i can't tell which from your posts but have an honest think because you will know which is true.

I think it's a bit of both. I wanted the kids to have things I didn't have, I remember one day they asked to go to soft play, now for us all thats £24 to get in (I took them to McDs instead of paying their inflated food prices), DP was away doing his hobby thing (it't not a lot of money as I said he doesn't spend money). So it was about £40 in the end, I took it out the credit card, I thought why shouldnt they have a nice day? Stupid I know.

I do have self esteem and depression/Anxiety issues, I have used spending and especially on the DC as a boost

I don't understand what bills you're paying for? Is it joint household bills?
Can you look at your monthly spending together, maybe he'll see that your money is being spent on family things, not on yourself.

Also you need to familiarise yourself with all the household accounts, so you can see where all the money is going.

He earns 60k a year and he's getting angry with you, making you feel you can't ask him for more so you have been borrowing to avoid his wrath? And now he's found out, he's flipped out?
And you think it's because of your budgeting skills? Oh love...
Everything Reality said. Some people will use anything as a stick to beat you with. This bloke has plenty - he just likes having the control 'cause it keeps you where he likes you to be: subservient and scared. Judging by your OP, he's already done a number on your self esteem. And he's a drink drover and binge drinker to boot. Presumably you don't get to have a go at him about those things? No, thought not.
Blokes (and indeed, people) like this make me really fucking angry.
It's horrible being poor. I am really really poor. Why would you make your beloved other half and kids feel poor in a house with stuff falling apart, making them worry about cash when they don't have to? Who does that?

So where is the rest of the money then, if he is not spending it himself?

If I had said I didn't have enough he would have started to ask why and I would have had to tell him about the credit card repayments and the overdraft fees, so I just stupidly brushed it aside.

I know now I should have said it wasn't enough and here's why!

See, you shouldn't be doing 'top up shops' out of 'your money' if you are having separate bank accounts, it should be clearly from a separate budget - this is why if you aren't just going to have one account, you need 3... (joint account for bills and all food!) I can easily spend an extra £50 a week on food for 'top up shops' unless you are really organised, you are probably the same and spending £250 a month out of your budget on that. However, you should be able to afford to cope with £250 a month of 'fun' money - so maybe spliting it so it's clear what's yours and what's bills/food would be clearer for you.

And he also needs to have visablity on what the bills are - if they go up one month for whatever reason, it should be that impact on both of your 'fun' money, not just yours.

I thought the start of the thread was bad but now I see the figures in front of me and I can't believe it. It is really tough managing a budget for a family of 6, I did it on just DH's income for six years and ran up massive debts, nearer to £25,000 . We just did not have enough coming in, but childcare made it impossible for me to go back to work. I did hide it from DH and he was a bit upset when he first found out, however he did not go out and get pissed, or try to punish me be cancelling a holiday. We sat down a talked it through. Him finding out coincided with me going back to work, so we just worked through our budget and how to pay it back. Not once whilst I was off work did DH hold back money, it all went in to the joint account, as does the money I earn now. We are a family, I gave up six years of my career to be a SAHM for the number of kids WE decided to have, we jointly have to manage any debts accrued because of this in an adult manner, without making the other person feel guilty about their role in it. I feel very sorry for the OP, this is not how a grown woman should be treated :(

Do you get the child benefit paid into your account?

He does give me extra, at the start of this month he gave me extra for DD1s birthday, he gave me most of the money for her presents and party, I paid for the extra bit and pieces. Most months if I had something big coming up he would give me extra. He pays for things like repairs, the cars, tax/insurance/maintenance etc I pay for the diesel for the family car each month then if we go on a day out he'll give me the extra.

One thing I did get really cross with was I said to him about the school shoes (I already have everything else bought) he went a bit mad telling me I hadn't informed him of this and he hadn't budgeted for it :S this month. I said I did tell you they needed shoes. He had already given me half of everything else. But he knows they need bloody shoes in August. Because I knew of all this I said "I'll pay half then" just to appease him.

He has his bank account I have mine, some of the DDs come out of mine, some out of his, he gave me the money to cover mine and spending money.

Before his promotion if the car tax was due he would "take" money off my spending money. I would just have to try and adjust accordingly, this is when the debts started.

You are in an abusive relationship. Financial abuse is a very harmful form of abuse and often goes hand in hand with emotional abuse. Please talk to women's aid. You need to talk to a professional who understands abusive relationships and who can support you.

As you are not married can I ask whose name is on the mortgage and house deeds?

Both out names on mortgage.

Yes CB pain into my account.

If he has 3 drunk driving convictions I'd love to know how much his car insurance is?

What about the house deeds though?

"Before his promotion if the car tax was due he would "take" money off my spending money. I would just have to try and adjust accordingly, this is when the debts started."

Wanker! Can you not see how you have reached this point? And that you certainly didn't get there alone?

Financial Abuse Take a look at this link. See anything familiar?

His insurance isn't that high because it was away in the past so after 5 years it's not counted

house deeds in both names too