Told DP last night I have run up huge debts, he's taken it really badly, don't know what to do?

[changed12]

Am a regular who has namechanged. Basically I am an complete and utter idiot, I am a SAHM with 4 DCs under 10. DP and I have been together for years and years. I always had a little bit on my credit card, then the bank increased my overdraft and I ran that up so stupidly decided to pay it off with the credit card, cue vicious cycle of running short every month and having to borrow from the credit card. I thought I could handle it and pay it off before DP found out or at least pay some of it off.

I never spent it on crazy things for myself, just bills, extra shopping, stuff for the kids etc. DP gives me a regular amount into my bank account but until recently if we spent something or went somewhere I would have to pay half which is fine. He got a really good promotion 8 months ago but I didn't see any of the money but what he did do was start to pay for more so instead of 50/50 it was more like 20/80 him paying for the extras.

So I thought the debt was about 3K but found out a few weeks ago it was actually 4,200 I told him last night about it. He immediately set out and payed the card and my overdraft off with our savings (earmarked for a house extension) and I told him to take all my cards and from now on he will be completely responsible for the household expenses, just to give me £30 a week for sundries etc.

I feel so guilty and crap about it all, he keeps asking me why didn't I tell him when it was 1K, 2K etc but I was scared to as he is so anal with money. I said to him that I would understand if he wanted us to spilt up, I cannot go on like this, it's taken a toll on my health, I have panic attacks, cannot sleep, cannot eat, stressed everytime I spend something etc.

So this morning he said he couldn't be in the same house as me as he needed to think so I went out for the day, just walked and walked. I've come home and now he says he needs to go out and talk to someone as he cannot get his head around it.

He also has a drinking problem, has been on top of it for years, he's a binge drinker and once he starts he cannot stop, can go on binges for days and has also been convicted of drink driving 3 times, I've stood by him all these times and in general things have gotten a lot better. He had a drink last night and now he's gone out he's definitely going to get hammered tonight. Thankfully he's not taken the car.

I know I have done wrong, I'm a total idiot and I should have told him ages ago. We're not on the breadline he has a good job and since his promotion he's been saying about how much free cash we have :S I just don't know what to do now.

Thanks for listening I haven't told anyone in RL any of this I am too ashamed. I am so down about this and I don't know what I would do if it weren't for the DCs.

Do you have a manual diesel, it shouldn't eat diesel unless you are doing short journeys only.

Why don't you walk the school run? I once worked out what driving the school run costs and it's quite scary!!! Think it's £1 per day in our alhambra diesel and it doesn't save that much time. I remind myself of that everytime we get caught in the rain

No idea why you don't pay the council tax, diesel, fuel bill, investment fund etc out of a joint account plus the mortgage. Basically the household stuff out of a household account.

How much is your mobile phone? Do the dc need to do all those activities, mine only get to do one expensive one each, they have to choose.

What do you think you spent £300 on?

Folks the personal arguments aren't really helping changed12.

Changed what leaps out from your posts is that in both financial and relationship discussions, you are being treated like an untrustworthy child. Now, unfortunately by hiding a significant debt from your husband for so long, you have rather acted like an untrustworthy child - but I think that stems from the previous massive imbalance of power and control between you.

You've said above that you want your husband to cut up your credit cards and assume total control of everything - IMO this would be the worst possible thing you could do. What you need is to relate to each other like equal adults, with one joint bank account for everything and total financial transparency. Make up a realistic budget that you both agree with and stick to. That is the only way forward.

That's if you want to move forward. For what it's worth, your husband's behaviour, what with the control, the alcoholism, the tightness, and the petulance and cruelty he's just displayed, would have eroded any respect or love I felt for him. But that's me, you may feel different (be aware though that if you split up you would not be any worse off than you have been up to now and might in fact be better off).

Most journeys are short. The school run is walkable, nursery is debatable. I have a 4yo and a 2yo. Would also mean I couldn't go to a few toddler groups either as they are too far.

DP has said he is not givine up his car, it's kind of like his dream car, it's not really flash or new but he lvoes it I thought he works hard he should have it.

Better off financially,I mean.

It's up to you if you would be better off emotionally.

You have £440 left over each month. £140 of that is going on debt costs, say £200 each month on your top ups (£50 a week) that leaves £100 plus you say you are spending £200 a month on the credit card.

What are you spending that remaining £300 on?

You need to sit down and see where your money is going.

So facts are. After op has paid everything from her money, fuel, expenses, hair cuts, school clubs, expenses, clothes .She has a £440 DISPOSABLE. Income. That is HALF of the £900 disposable income the household have.

I don't see how this is financial abuse or how, people are getting figures of £200.

That's more than enough for the top up shops, extra clothes, extra halves on expenses such as days out, takeaways, meals, tax, etc.

So op HAS been over spending here, meaning her spends have been half eaten by debt repayments, which she should have come clean about.

People seem to be missing the obvious, op is admitting to a £440 DISPOSABLE income after her and the dc's expenses.

I really think you need to sit down and talk properly about what there is coming in and what you can afford, £1040 with £440 left over for you seems like a lot to me, that is much more than we have left over after bold each month.

Is the problem that you think he should give you more because you think he is loaded and he is financially controlling and won't let you manage the household? I do think there are several things such as nursery and the numbers of after school activities and the two cars that could be cut down on if you are actually struggling but surely you both need to assess what is actually coming in first together.

*bills

I don't mean give up everything but start walking when you can. If you still have a double pushchair walk them to nursery a couple of times per week? Actually won't your 4 year old start school in Sept?

I guess just plan your journeys better, lift share for activities when you can etc. I deliberately chose some in walking distance.

I personally think it's fine for him to pay for everything you have listed above and then you get a generous "allowance" for all your personal expenditure out of which you can choose to save or splurge so:

Clothes, shoes, hair, gifts from you to others (not the dc!) so mainly friends I mean, going out with friends or lunches etc.

It should be generous though not tight so you're wearing clothes falling to pieces - money in your name to give you a safety net.

I think your dh is unrealistic about how much you can easily spend on your 4 dc and top up shops etc etc

I would personally prefer that you both have equal access to all money but there can be a workable alternative that you are both happy with. For example the start of term if you have to pay for all dc activities termly is very expensive etc etc.

I agree with HoldMeClose - there are different things going on in your relationship, the actually spending of money is only one of them.

I do think there is financial abuse because the op is beholden to him, afraid to ask him, he treats her like a child when it comes to money and he can cut the money he gives her on a whim without notice and he punishes her and the dcs by withdrawing financial support when he is angry and goes out drinking (which is free(!))

(actually OP stated that the £440 disposable income doesn't include the top up shops)

I don't think it is. She has half of the disposable income. She's admitted she's shot with money. Which means SOMEONE has to take control or the whole family sinks.

Someone who is financially incontinent, does need to have someone in charge of the purse strings.

Which given op has racked up a lot of debt when she has £440 per month disposable, it would suggest she isn't ontop of her spending and what's going out. She is probably afraid to tell him, because she is over spending and has already admitted to being problematic with money. 4k is a lot to just fritter away.

You also get CHB don't you so did you actually have £1040 from him and £242 from CHB? Cos that's £157 per week personal disposable income!!

Not surprised he treats her like a child with respect to money. Why does she want him to cut up the credit cards. Do it yourself OP,

I know it dosent include top up shops. But he's getting the main food shop. I know what it's like, you run out, need to top up with 4dcs. So when that happens I get it, or dh gets it. Out of our "own" money. £440 per month is more than adequate. For pin money.

You are right hamsterboy I missed that bit.

This means OP you have around £300 left (£500 if you are putting £200 a month on credit cards).

What are you spending it on if you cannot afford haircuts or clothes?

Surely the only way you learn to be good with money is to be responsible for it though? If you are treated like a child it is likely you will behave like one.

But she has been responsible for money....she's had to allow for bills etc, out of her share. Expenses, etc, etc. then has £440 pin money, which is plenty for her and dc's and has still racked up 4k debt in secret...on what?!

Only in the same way a teenager has to be responsible for money, all the time knowing that daddy is around with his seemingly bottomless pockets to rescue her if she gets in trouble. It isn't the same as having free access to finances, making joint decisions, sometimes making decisions on your own which you know will have to be immediately justifiable to your partner.

He has £900 after he has given me my money!

It goes on car bills and other expenses like our holiday/NEXT bill.

I know I have a problem overspending some people have said £440 is enough some have said it isn't.

I try to walk whenever I can, my 4yo doesn't start school we are in Scotland.

I don't think he should be giving me more well maybe he should as I have overspent, I do think he doesn't understand where it all goes. I am so confused.

Now we are back to him being out I don't know where, or when he will be back or in what state. He can get verbally abusive when drinking actually he's a total arse when drinking and it takes ages for it to wear off with him. It's like he has a defective alcohol gene, he cannot stop and even when he does he suffers the effects far longer than anyone I know. I am scared of him when he's drunk. I've told him this many times.

I wondered the same Houseofplain. But Op hasn't really admitted to any extravagant overspending. So I wondered where the money has gone. But I know people have different ideas of what is reasonable spending and what isn't. As the £100 a week wasn't for petrol, children's activities, food or anything like that. And then the debt on top of that.

It does matter on what it has been spent (there are lots of after school activities there and a 7 seater car) but I think it matters more where they go from here and he doesn't sound like he has any intention to go forward together on it. He's drinking himself into oblivion in the pub so hardly a role model where responsibility is concerned!