Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 8

[CailinDana]

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5
Part 6
Part 7

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

Yeah I am Natural

Yes he does Cailin he's calmed down now never had his meds this morning which didn't help matters just want a few days on my own but it doesn't solve matters still in my head.

Natural sorry to hear that Im still here to listen and try to help if I can do xx

Had another counselling session today really really emotional not quite wiped out with it but talked about quite alot and getting really deep into the roots of it all she wants to work through my whole life eventually but is saying to try and take one day at a time just now. Going to go through strategies to help me get through the next few weeks music is one I told her need to order some from Amazon some of my favourite easy listening music, did tell her driving with my music helped but agree its not a great idea when I'm in a bad place ironic that my stereo broke telling me something or what. Feel the hardest sessions are the best though feel much better for it and feel I'm now ready for it don't think I was fully ready when I went to rape crisis was literaly in crisis.

Thats so good Dotty secretly thanks stereo I know what those places are like but know that it's not worth risking. Keep yourself safe, learn alternative tactics and know we're always here for you and thankyou for last night x still not in a good place for supporting so hope you know what I mean

Thanks here for each other zonked out earlier was totally worn out first time in this block of counselling thats happened she says the way I'm feeling is totally normal given the circumstances.

It sounds hard with your DS Dotty and whats going on for you at the moment. To answer your question from the other day, no mine didn't even get as far as the cps. The Sgt told the DC to get rid of it and they burnt my statements, which i've since found is illegal but can't do anything about it now. The day before he was meant to report for bail, they dropped it and the DC phoned me on her day off to let me know because nobody had bothered, but said it was all very odd and made no sense. When I tried to report more a couple of years ago they covered it up again. I've checked with a neighbouring county and they never passed on the information I gave about abuse there either. I've had people who specialise in it say its a cover up, but because the statements have been destroyed he can never be arrested for it again.I couldn't even be a witness if my sister came forward. It makes me rather angry!!!
If I had thought about it more before reporting it, I would have realised I wasn't going to get anywhere. Clearly the local police already knew about it all, otherwise they would never have got away with it. Everyone turned a blind eye to abuse where I grew up, but when people did stand up to it they were quickly quietened again.

Hope everyone is ok. I'm back to normal now after my outburst the other day. Sorry for offloading again

That's what I thought Amitola so sorry about what they did but sounds very much like the DC was on your side but couldn't do much about it.

DS is much calmer now hes been off college 8 weeks my own fault for not organising his respite just kept forgetting about phoning idiot that I am, arranged it for 3 weeks time week he's meant to go back to college phoned up and admissions where really abrupt with me over it but the access department where great never told them why but told them it was important that he wasn't here that week as I'd had a lot going on this last year and major stuff was happening. Feel really horrible for pushing him away but if it goes the wrong way I don't want him to see my reaction he's seen me broken down to much this last 18 months his mum was a strong person a fighter not a coward.

Got to take my kitten to the vet to get his jabs should be fun he's gone from a nervous little boy to a mad crazy thing especially at night.

How is everyone today?

I'm tired, as usual, but less down in the dumps.

Still all over the place.

How do you talk about things in the past which didn't have anything to do with the abuse but were affected by it? Do you mention the abuse just in a matter of fact, x happened which caused y, way or just not mention it? Or put another way, if you can't do something now because of the association to the abuse certain sounds so have to do another thing, how do you explain that? Is "I just don't like it/can't do it/won't do it" acceptable? what if someone questions it???

Hard to say Natural, I think it totally depends on the circumstances. I'm very careful about who I tell about the abuse, and the effects it's had, just because I'm not in a position to be ok with whatever response I get.

Could you give examples of what you mean?

Talking about childhood things, I did x as a child because it was an escape, I can't do x now because it reminds me.

I don't know what I mean, I'm a bit like Amitola in that the authoritys(sp) played a part in my abuse, I don't know, too many things are running through my head atm. I wouldn't be who I am if that hadn't happened, it could have been stopped.

Gah, brain junk.

I have a psychological maths problem in my head I just can't quite find the solution too.

I've started unravelling lots of things in my mind not just from childhood one thing that bothered me with my girls was I couldn't bear the thought of them in nightdresses never could bput my finger on it mentioned it to my counseller told her it felt really stupid but its because of himoldest had a couple but never liked it she always had to wear underwear with them as well.

I lived in my own world as a child looking back very autistic like things would go over my head lived in books wasn't a people person often wonder is it just the abuse or genetics.

Natural, I don't know if it's a good thing or not but I'm wary of mentioning things that are related to the abuse unless the person I'm talking to is fully aware of what happened and has been sympathetic. I think if you just drop it into conversation when the other person isn't already aware of it it can be very awkward and it can damage a friendship/professional relationship if that awkwardness isn't resolved. Does that make sense?

Dotty, god I have to wear pj bottoms.

Cailin, yep, but if someone says did you go to the band aid concert but you didn't because it was happening how do you effectively bullshit your way out of? I just need alternative plausible childhood situations but then what if you become friends and tell people? or do I just go into a purposeful denial? or can you get to a stage of being matter of fact about it as the reality you faced?

I actually have no idea what I'm trying to say.

No, I get you. I just feign forgetting. I actually can't remember a lot of my childhood so it works pretty effectively. So if someone asks who my first kiss was with (true answer: a horrible boy staying in our house who didn't take no for an answer) I just say "Gosh you know what I can't actually remember! That's awful, shows it wasn't up to much eh?"

With the band aid concert thing I'd just say something like "No, I hadn't two pennies to rub together, no way I could afford it!"

It does feel very...dishonest, I suppose to make things up but remember you don't owe people the truth, and often people aren't really interested anyway so if you do tell them the heavy reality of what happened they just shy away. They want simple easy stories, not difficult stuff IME.

Natural me too pj's nothing else can't stomach the thought of them have tried many times over the years feel pathetic at times. At christmas time had palpatations and felt sick to the stomach in Asda as they had babydoll style nighties had a cotton one at 12, I'd forgotten until I saw them after all why would you remember stuff like that usually.

Same with me first memories how the hell can I say what mine are
he robbed me of so much.

I just need to stop having the flashbacks, thought they'd stopped. Good answers though Cailin, I personally don't want to discuss things with certain people so don't want it on the tip of my tongue, it's the effective bullshit that won't hurt someone if we become friends and easyo answer for tosspots.

Dotty, some of the clothes in the shops are shocking.

Dotty, sorry, yes he did the absolute bastard

"I can't remember" is a good stock phrase to have, and it's a believable lie. The advantage is that if you do talk about it later to a friend then it just seems like you've remembered.

Natural probably only in our mind but for people in normal healthy relationships without baggage probably not.

Cailin, you're a bloody genius, I luffs ya.

:)

Dotty, sorry I thought you meant for a 12year old, I definitely don't do fancy clothes like that at this age though.

Cailin, soz, gentle thankyou I wouldn't actually be able to do that in rl you know, you'd be lucky to get a handshake Talking of touch, I watched a Ruby Wax thing where a survivor had ocd so I could use a germ dislike/ocd thing to hide my dislike of touch?

I have to go to bed now, night.