Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 8

[CailinDana]

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5
Part 6
Part 7

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

Do you know what the issue is Amitola? Why is she so worked up?

Nothing with you Amitola it's other peoples problem
One of the reasons I keep myself to myself fear of being treated like crap x

It is over something really daft, which is what makes me think its actually something deeper. I made a joke about the new thing on fb where it shows how many people have seen your post. I was bored and in a silly mood so said helloooo, all these people seen my post, someone respond and made it clear I was joking. I meant it in a big brother, paranoid way but was clearly joking! She didn't take it as a joke, so i explained again it was a joke. Other people said they could see it was a joke, but this morning I find she sent a long and horrible reply overnight calling me catty and spiteful, that she isn't going to sweep it under the carpet and if I have a problem with her I should say so, like she is!
I was in tears all night anyway because my son is breastfeeding properly and i'm in lots of pain and I really can't take this today. I've been struggling anyway for the last couple of weeks, because the emdr is bringing lots of emotions to the surface. I feel suicidal constantly and really negative, but i'm trying to carry on as normal because I know its old feelings and will pass.
I can only guess there is more to it than this. I've obviously said or done something that touched a nerve. It's just really set me back and made me want to stay away from people again. I often get misinterpreted and that must be the way I put things but I don't know how to do it differently. I was too buy trying to survive when others were learning this stuff.
Arghhhh!! sorry. Sometimes I just want to scream at people about everything i've been through and ask them how fucking normal they think they would turn out. I had nothing and nobody to teach me anything but how to be a totoal psychopath, but i've made it this far and i'm still pretty much sane.
I'm sorry for waffling on. I just wish people would recognise how hard its been, not just for me, but for all of us who have suffered as children. If people suffer ptsd from being in the army, that is recognised, but if you have it because you suffered severe trauma as a child, you're meant to hide away.
I don't have space in my head for people to pick on little things and use me to expell their nastiness on. Sorry again, i'm tired, lonely and not feeling very strong at the moment

that should say isn't breastfeeding properly, that would make more sense! :)

If others can see it as a joke it sounds like she has real issues of her own nothing to do with you at all.

She has replied with an even nastier one now. Saying she is sick of having to tread carefully with me when I don't think about other peoples feelings. I haven't said anything about anyone else! Please help. I'm falling apart here and I have no idea who to turn to. I thought some of the people in that group were my friends but nobody has stuck up for me. I don't want to lose my children but I can't carry on like this. Everyone else is allowed to express their opinion so why can't i. She bullied a friend of mine too a few months back. I wouldn't min but i'm now going to lose all of my new friends because of her. horrible woman!

Sorry for being attention seeking. I ended up asking my ex to take the boys and had a glass of wine. Not very good coping strategy but i'm feeling slightly better.
That really affected me because its exactly the way my mother and sister always treated me. My ex too to some extent. Makes me feel like i'm going crazy because I know I haven't done anything wrong but somene is telling me I have.
I'm a mess at the moment. Feelings the emotions that I blocked when I was a child and have nowhere to offoad them.
I don't know if I should say this here or not, its probably the best place, but still attention seeking. It's just too hard sometimes. I need recognition for what i've been through but don't know how to get it or what will make me feel better. I want this feeling to go, but for the last couple of weeks have wanted to jump up and down screaming about what I went through and wanting someone to take notice. This has happened before so I need to deal with it properly this time so it doesn't kep coming back. I'm really scared i'm getting ill and won't be able to come back from it. I'm not managing things very well at the moment and seem to be throwing everything i've worked so hard for, away. That woman said we've all got our problems, suggesting mine are no worse than anyone elses, but I've never said they were. I really don't think other people have been through what I have though, is it so wrong to want some sort of recognition of how hard things were? The only thing that kept me going was my horse, who my father killed in the end.
I don't want to lose myself to depression and mental health services, but i'm slipping and don't know what to do

Please carry on as if I didn't post. Sorry to interrupt the thread.

Amitola no its not wrong you can see the severity of what you've been through I can't everyone keeps telling me I need to realise how much I'm going through I'm an emotional wreck say the wrong thing and I bubble over

You're doing whats best to keep you going though, thats the most important bit. You're bound to be a rollercoaster at the moment, I know I was when I was waiting to see if things would go to court.

Sorry for such a huge offload today, wish I could delete that. I don't like feeling the full effect of it all, its like being hit by a truck. It goes again though, I just have to try to remember that when i'm stuck in a deep black hole of suicidal thoughts and despair. I wish there was someway I could tell myself its an emotional flashback and will pass, but I don't seem to have any control until it passes

He's been charged months ago Amitola court date is looming its whether he forces a trial to humiliate me even mote than I already have been. Always thought if it went to trial he had a bigger chance of getting off with it but DC thinks it highly unlikely and this is her who says she's meant to be impartial.

Yours was never even charged IIRC total wrong.

Gutted my car radios gone on me only had it just over a year means I can't jump in car and take off if I'm stressed music calms me right down. Stupidly ended up crying after coming out of Halfords they tested it for me.

I know how seemingly small things can really hit you when you're down dotty, I would probably have cried too in your shoes.

How are you doing Amitola?

Mind was playing tricks on me last night as well ended up in bits yet again I'm the most rational of people but was hearing noises I know next few weeks are going to be hell on earth. Had a massive thunderstorm this morning seems to have finished got a pond in my garden now.

That's tough going dotty. I used to hear noises when I was depressed, it was awful. Is there anyone there with you today?

Yes DH is here for now going out soon to work though he's not out very late on a sunday usually home between 11.30 and 1am DS here but he's doing my nut in. DH reckons it was air in the pipes.

Then he showed me his FB status from around 3am he was bloody lucky he came around a country road bend into the path of a herd of dear made light of it a santa status but told him I don't need added stress with just over 3 weeks to hearing. Scared the life out me.

just a quick reply, my laptop is broken so haven't been able to get on here. Borrowing dh's tablet so I can check in. Hope to be back soon.

thinking of you all.

Hi chips, hope you're well.

How are you doing dotty?

Not great lost my oomph Cailin trying my damnest to keep going.

Don't put too much pressure on yourself dotty, it's ok to relax and take time out if you can.

Trying not to never got showered and dressed until 4.30 DS kicked off really badly reduced me to fecking tears can't cope with the slightest thing that isn't calm just now.

Do you want to talk about what happened with your DS dotty?

Basically his computer needs resetting with the disks asked him to tidy his room so started f-ing and blinding saying he'd throw it out of window so he couuld have a new one ended up crying uncontrollably he doesn't understand whats going on just now either.

:( Do you think he picks up on how you're feeling?

Dotty, big hugs, I'm not in the right place to offer much support atm.

Is anyone around to pm?