Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 8

[CailinDana]

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5
Part 6
Part 7

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

Not bad done my lawn and one border weeded been to get more chippings for the drainage pipe but looks like I'll need more just need to get rid of the weeds from where the deckings going and lift the rest of the slabs, if I keep busy enough I'll not fall apart like I have in the past.

Going out tonight with DH usual dinner and bingo what fun.

How are you doing dotty?

Not bad sleeping on settee just now needs must be my third night tonight, had to get out yesterday back to everything closing in on me head spinning with everything went down to the lakes with ds today intending to go to the wildlife park but bottled it was to busy to go in panicked

Are you managing to get much sleep?

more than in bed but very nightmarish vivid dreams so not proper rest

say about 4/5 hours exhausted atm

I really hope you manage to get a good night's sleep tonight dotty.

Thanks Cailin went to bed settee at about 2.30 was up just after 8 and I've dropped car off to get radio sorted [hopefully]. DS really flipped last night all I need just now he ripped my larder cupboard door off hinges twisted and wood broken house is a wreck so will be busy today after my coffee break.

Why did he flip?

Couldn't get his own way looking on the brightside he never attacked me this time normally does

That sounds very tough going dotty. I used to work with adults with disabilities and it was very hard for parents whose kids were big strong and tall and prone to anger.

I know you mentioned respite before - do you get access to much of it?

He goes on Monday until Friday should be back to college but kept forgetting he has one more Monday-Friday to use before the end of finacial year only started getting it last year after I reached breaking point [he tried to throw me over bannister and we had 6 police officers in here at about 11.30 pm]

He's now 15 stone and about 5' 10" if not 6' he's always been strong quite common with autism.

Normally I go mental at him for behaviour like this but surprisingly I'm so calm ATM very weepy but not angry at anything.

Well went for a lay on settee at about 8 last night was cold so covered myself up woke at 2.30 been up since then what joy.

:( How are you feeling now?

Thank you for adding this thread, I have battled with anxiety, flashbacks, disociation, psychotic breaks, bpd and more for the last goodness knows how many years. I had a fantastic therapist when I first disclosed, but whom subsequently left for mat leave etc and did not come back. I then found 10-12 years later another therapist whom I thought perhaps I could trust. Had my cp interview etc and then she also announced impending mat leave. Here I am three years on, with nothing and feeling totally beside myself with all the above feelings and behaviours, and I don't know who to turn to or how to move forward from here.
I have a supportive partner and daughter but feel I can't burden them continually with my issues and it is so hard when I do to see them so helpless and feeling so frustrated.
I feel at the point of another break, awful feelings of numbness in both thighs and the sensation of ice cold water. I fear I will end up in hospital at this rate and I am so very scared.

You can talk here as much as you like sweetpelly.

How are you doing at the moment?

Good Morning Calin,
Feeling dreadful this morning, very shakey and out of sorts. Wishing a chai tea could magically appear in front of me, so I could try to calm myself a little.
Unable to move off the sofa as body is not working right this morning.
Grrr...

How are you today?

Morning sweetpelly and welcome to the thread can talk here its ok, sorry for etherything you went through lifes shit.

Cailin not feeling to bad had a nap in chair unfortunately had some weird dreams about my childhood home [first one] again.

Thank you Dotty,
Life is, I agree.
Are you sure it's ok?
Need to go bury head in pillow...

Sending kind, thank you vibes back to you... :0)

Yes course its ok sorry but whats a cp interview, I only disclosed 11 months ago on monday coming at least officially my parents knew at 16 but never believed their PFB would do that. I have a fantastic DH and DD's DS doesn't understand would probably be dangerous if he knew or understood. DD1 is coming to see me tomorrow should of been going away this weekend but it fell through probably for the best though with everything thats coming up.

Dotty,
My family are the same, useless and in total denial.
Great to hear you have a supportive DH and DD's.
CP, was child protection interview.
Are you able to get out and do something calming for yourself today?

Sorry I should of known was no child protection when I was younger, ready to just fuck off out can't handle this making DS and DH's dinner then going need to pick DD2 up late tonight so will probably go down that area.

Oh I'm sorry I didn't mean to assume.
Trying to find some mind-numbing film to space out to. Still frozen so remote access only for me.
Wishing you a calm and peaceful day.

Sweetpelly do you feel like this a lot or has something triggered it?