Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 8

[CailinDana]

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5
Part 6
Part 7

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

Cakes for DH tomorrow got DD1 and her BF coming for dinner tomorrow as well

Sounds lovely :)

Thinking of going for a run in the car seems I can't do anything right anymore total screw up I am.

What's going on dotty?

Not much just asked DH if his dinner was ok he said it was bitter not like my usual feel everything I do just now is a total cock-up spent over an hour crying over that in my room stupid cow that I am breaking again.

Decided to stay in though 4 times in last week or so i've stopped myself running away.

Scrub that on way to Langholm need to get out

I've got a runaway

I got followed home by a cat yesterday evening. He's just made himself at home, was really jumpy yesterday and starving but a bit more relaxed and eating normally today. I am completely weirded out though, he's only about a year old and apart from spots and ginger where it was white, he looks like my recent cat and he's twice her size I've got all her old stuff out and he loves it all except the bed she slept in. He keeps sleeping on the floor though. T'is weirdy weird.

Ooo I've not got Dotty though you're always welcome here am nicknaming it a homeless huvel

You ok Dotty?

Yes I'm ok sitting at the riverside driving calms my moood down not needed it for ages though got a busy week ahead things got to me that shouldn't of could do with a few days to myself but it aint happening.

Had a good day today had both girls and their boyfriends over didn't know youngest was coming or they could of had dinner with us, was nice to all be together for once just having a quiet night listening to some music and quietly contemplating/reflecting on events of recent months.

Finally realising how massive this thing is and what its effect on me has been have been told by several people dc's, counsellers, dr, and sisters how much i've been through couldn't see it before but last nights collapse was the worst in months and made me realise its not a little thing.

Glad you had a good day dotty. It sounds like you're slowly starting to come to terms with everything. I know it'll take time but you're on a very good road, even if it is really difficult. There will come a day when you suddenly realise you feel "normal" - and that you've felt that way for a while. It will be worth it.

I really hope so Cailin I'm 41 shouldn't be feeling this way it was all so long ago nearly 30 years since it stopped.

It doesn't really matter how long ago it was - your brain needs to process it and deal with it before you can get some freedom from it. You are making progress, I can see it in your posts.

I know that but it doesn't stop the feelings in my head does it,just need to get this next week out of the way then take it from there.

No it doesn't stop the feelings. It doesn't stop you feeling awful. How long to go now till the hearing?

Next Tuesday should know by the Wednesday what's happening.

Soon then. How are you feeling about it?

ATM Can't get it out of my head but I've pre-empted things cars due a service so booked it in Tuesday will drop it off Monday night after counselling and walk home. So in the unlikely event that I get a phonecall on the day and its against us I can't take off.

That's a good idea. So on Tuesday it's a case of waiting to see whether or not he pleads guilty?

Yes but could be Wednesday been told by local DC not to worry if I don't hear Tuesday as it depends when they inform them at the station.

That'll be a very tough couple of days dotty :(

I know but strategies are in place in the lead up got most days covered this week to keep me occupied.

Up since 3.30 this morning thats with taking herbal sleeping pills told DH I'm going to go back to the settee for the next week or so as I sleep better downstairs. Counseller says there's nothing I can really do about it as it's my subconscious on high alert again reason why my sleep is so disturbed again going to do some weeding in the garden today although i do know it will have to be in short spells as any more knocks me for 6 she says its because of the amount of stress I'm under.

Sorry to hear you had such a tough night. Your counsellor is right about trying to go easy on yourself - stress makes your body run at a very high level of energy at all times, it's utterly exhausting and you just don't have a lot left over for other things.

How are you feeling at the moment?