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Original poster

He said he bought tickets - he didn't

218 replies

yellowraincoat · 15/07/2012 13:20

My partner is a journalist and he gets free tickets for stuff sometimes.

Yesterday we were meant to see Bruce Springsteen for my bday - I actually couldn't go as I was ill. He told me he'd bought the tickets, not got them for free - this is important to me, I don't think it's nice to give people free stuff for their birthday.

However, I've found out that, in fact, the tickets were free after all.

I'm upset. Upset that he lied, upset that he didn't actually buy me anything but just got it for free.

But maybe I'm over-reacting. I have BPD and I often don't have a clue what's normal behaviour.

So am I?

OP posts:
mercibucket · 15/07/2012 15:24

If my husband gave me a birthday present he'd got for free and tried to pretend he'd bought it, I would have been pissed off too

Oh wait - he did! This might cheer you up op! He once gave me a Hare Krishna book - you know the ones they give out free? Lucky me! And claimed he'd bought it!

Luckily for him and me, I like him in general and am not bothered about his crappy present giving skills

Your 'd'p just sounds like a knob - not so much for getting the freebies and nothing else (even a token present he actually paid for) but for trying to make you feel bad for doubting him etc instead of coming clean. He's taking advantage of your MH issues to make you doubt yourself just because it's easier for him. Not nice

ChelseaGirl86 · 15/07/2012 15:26

Yellow, you know your DP better than anyone. If he truly lied to you out of thoughtlessness or for a more sinister reason then you are better off without.

You seem worried about ending this relationship? Is that what you want advice on?

PenisVanLesbian · 15/07/2012 15:27

It is helpful actual, since OP is looking for her OH to be 100% truthful all the time. Since such a thing is not possible, thats a big unrealistic ask of someone, and suggests a reason why he might feel the need to lie to her at all.
Or maybe he's just a total cunt. Who the fuck knows?

tethersend · 15/07/2012 15:28

Him lying to cover up getting free tickets is definitely out of order- indisputably so, I would have thought... However, it doesn't seem to me in the league of relationship-ending actions IYSWIM?

Of course, there has to be more to this if this one action means ending a relationship with someone you love, surely?

Good people do lie, I don't think the telling of one lie is indicative of arsehole status.

Original poster
yellowraincoat · 15/07/2012 15:28

It's not the tickets. It's the lying and then making me feel bad for accusing him of lying. And sitting there listening to me begging him for forgiveness when he knew full well that he had lied.

Is that gaslighting? I have no idea. It's shit behaviour, that's all I know.

I asked him to help me tidy up last weekend. He promised he would. He then went out until 8PM when we were due to meet a friend. He spent the Sunday hungover in bed. So he didn't tidy at all.

When I then say "why didn't you tidy?" he says "you don't tidy." Because it's not tidy. Because I haven't tidied all week. He makes me doubt myself constantly.

But if we split up, I will be totally alone. I have friends but no one I can rely on. My parents are not supportive. I can't afford to live in London by myself. I find it really stressful to have flatmates, but I suppose that is an option. Anyway, I am supposed to be starting university in six weeks but how can I? How can I with this going on?

OP posts:
AThingInYourLife · 15/07/2012 15:28

I'm making perfect sense.

But I guess if circular logic is your thing, understanding is probably not a string point.

Anniegetyourgun · 15/07/2012 15:28

I don't tell lies. I feel deeply uncomfortable even slightly bending or concealing the truth (which honesty compels me to admit I have done on occasion, but, er, only in a good cause naturally Blush). My whole family party, complete with 90-year-old relative, had to leave a restaurant because I couldn't say straight out that the youngest DC was 13 when he was only 12 (something my sister has never quite forgiven me for). I never even told the DCs that Santa was real. And I deeply resent being told that I am a liar. XH loved to accuse me of lying, wanker that he is.

ElephantsCanRemember · 15/07/2012 15:29

He doesn't sound very nice OP. He lies, is manipulative, doesn't support you when you are poorly and possibly more that you have written about on a different thread that I haven't read.
Why are you with him? He doesn't seem to make you feel good about yourself or enhance your life in any way, and I know that it isn't someone elses job to make us feel good but in a relationship you need your partner to be on your side don't you? He doesn't seem as though he is.

Schrodingershamster · 15/07/2012 15:30

Yellow get rid he doesnt sound very nice.
The lying would do it for me. If he lies about stuff like that what else does he lie about ?
I hate liars. Worse than cheating to me.

Original poster
yellowraincoat · 15/07/2012 15:30

Chelsea, it was thoughtlessness. But that's the problem. It's always thoughtlessness with him. He never thinks about what I might want or need. I spent so long looking after him when he was sick a few months ago - spent loads on medicine, nice food to cheer him up, brought him water and books and whatever he needed.

Yesterday I asked him to go to the chemist for cystitis medicine - his first reaction was "why can't you go?" When he finally agreed to go, it took him almost an hour to get his shit together and leave, even though I was doubled up in pain.

OP posts:
Chubfuddler · 15/07/2012 15:31

It's quite simple op. If you can't tolerate his behaviour, end it. Personally I cannot comprehend your stance on birthdays, tickets, white lies, any of it. But that's irrelevant. It's your relationship not mine. Being with someone who does not share your values will make you miserable.

Original poster
yellowraincoat · 15/07/2012 15:32

The thing is, when it comes to non-practical stuff he is great. When he does buy me presents, they are great. He can be lovely...

Oh God I don't know, if I was reading someone else writing this, I know what I'd think.

OP posts:
Schrodingershamster · 15/07/2012 15:32

You will make loads of friends at uni !

BalloonSlayer · 15/07/2012 15:32

I would never give a freebie as a gift. Or rather, if I did I would say they were free and get the person something else as well. I would make sure I spent on them what I would normally spend on them. Yeah I know it's not supposed to be about money, it's about the thought and effort. Let me assure you that if I could give a present that did not cost me anything but effort and thought, I might do so, but in my experience freebies usually involve neither.

I used to get fed up - yes OK ungrateful - at my Dad buying second hand stuff as presents and behaving as if he'd spent the cost of the item new on you. Not always - there were times that he'd get stuff you couldn't get at the shops - the DCs were over the moon at the Tracy Island he got them. But 95% of the time the items were crap - didn't work or were totally unsuitable, eg the suggestion that a 2 year old might like a keyboard thing, meaning the kind of toddler toy Boots sell for £10, resulting in him getting a 1978 casio keyboard, weighing about 2 stone with big wires hanging out the back that runs off a car battery that he'd found at the boot fair "only cost a fiver luv!!"

When my sister had her first baby, Dad found out about someone selling a "brand new" silver cross pram. It was "worth" more than £200 according to Dad, but he got it for £100. He preened about this incredibly expensive pram he had got for a bargain. My sister felt she had no choice about what pram she had - she had to have this one because Dad could Get it Cheap. It was a nightmare, it wouldn't steer and weighed a ton. I took my niece out in it once and nearly burst into tears. My sister couldn't get rid of it soon enough.

Less than 2 years later, my other sister (who is loaded BTW) who lives overseas, had her first baby. Obviously it was not easy to buy an actual gift for her so Dad gave her some cash. £300. My sister in England was gutted - she was really broke and if he had given her £300 it would have made a massive difference, but no she had got this totally useless pram because it was cheap, but to Dad it was "worth £200 or more" so in his eyes that was what he had given her.

But some people just don't see it like this. I worked with a girl whose boyfriend wanted a brandy glass for his birthday. Someone in the office had a freebie one and said she could have it. She was thrilled and went about finding a box for it to go in so that it looked nice. I asked her if she was going to tell him that she had been given it and she was incredulous and contemptuous (in a nice way, she was a very nice girl) that I thought she should. I was equally as incredulous that she could give a free gift to someone and let him think she had bought it, although she was quite broke so it was understandable, and she was getting him some other things.

It just depends on your view really.

Sorry for the essay.

AThingInYourLife · 15/07/2012 15:33

"It is helpful actual, since OP is looking for her OH to be 100% truthful all the time. Since such a thing is not possible, thats a big unrealistic ask of someone, and suggests a reason why he might feel the need to lie to her at all. "

Round and round and round we go.

Doesn't your circular logic make you dizzy.

Here's a clue: repeatedly asserting that all people are liars doesn't make it so.

Even if you insist on pretending that honesty is a simple, binary concept.

Chubfuddler · 15/07/2012 15:33

What would you think yellow? If someone else had written this?

ChelseaGirl86 · 15/07/2012 15:34

Yellow - what do you get out of the relationship, emotionally?
Whereabouts are you going to uni? I've just finished and lots of my friends did house shares with like minded people. It's cheaper and that way you will grow a new social circle.

I think the last thing you need is a relationship which only one persons feelings count. You need to put yourself first (if he can't put you first), find a way of coping with your illness and gain some independence/strength. Once you've done this you will be ready for a relationship and you will have a much clearer idea on what is acceptable in relationships and what is not. Good luck to you yellow x

PenisVanLesbian · 15/07/2012 15:34

Whatever, athing. How about you go onto all the threads quick and inform us all what our opinions should be before we have them, then we can all save ourselves the bother of posting at all?

To OP, if he's a liar and its a pattern, and you say he makes no effort and is actively cruel, perhaps its time to end the relationship?

Original poster
yellowraincoat · 15/07/2012 15:35

Can you not fight on my thread, Penis?

OP posts:
PenisVanLesbian · 15/07/2012 15:36

Here's a clue: repeatedly asserting that all people are liars doesn't make it so.

No, the fact that its actually true makes it so. Grass is green, water is wet, everyone lies. Natural fact.

But thats not actually the point of this thread, so why are you intent on having a petty spat with me instead of focusing on why OP is so upset at the thought of splitting with someone she has so many problems with?

Original poster
yellowraincoat · 15/07/2012 15:36

I would think the person was a fucking idiot for staying.

But then, that's exactly what I am. I'm lucky he's stayed with me, really. I know that I'll never find anyone else, maybe that's why I cling so hard to this relationship.

OP posts:
Original poster
yellowraincoat · 15/07/2012 15:37

Penis, you're the one having the petty spat.

OP posts:
Chubfuddler · 15/07/2012 15:38

Yellow did he get you a cake and a picture frame as well? This thread is v jumbly and I may have misunderstood.

But essentially if he does not make you happy get rid. It sounds like there is a massive backstory to this which done posters know and others don't. I don't.

Hopefullyrecovering · 15/07/2012 15:38

I feel there is a lack of perspective here. If you, OP, wanted to see Bruce Springsteen and it is something you would have loved to happen, then does it matter whether they are free or not? It genuinely is the thought that counts.

If you'd rather (say) have gone to the opera or gone to see Rihanna, and Brucey was a poor second, then I get the point. But if you would have loved it, then I don't understand why having paid for it is essential.

This being said, the lying is pretty poor. But as others have commented, perhaps he did this to avoid a messy argument. It kind of feels like he's being set up to fail. Of course he may be a woefully inadequate partner anyway.

Chubfuddler · 15/07/2012 15:39

Don't stay with someone, anyone, because you think you'll never have anyone else. It's almost certainly not true and it's not a happy basis for a relationship if it is true.