He said he bought tickets - he didn't

[yellowraincoat]

My partner is a journalist and he gets free tickets for stuff sometimes.

Yesterday we were meant to see Bruce Springsteen for my bday - I actually couldn't go as I was ill. He told me he'd bought the tickets, not got them for free - this is important to me, I don't think it's nice to give people free stuff for their birthday.

However, I've found out that, in fact, the tickets were free after all.

I'm upset. Upset that he lied, upset that he didn't actually buy me anything but just got it for free.

But maybe I'm over-reacting. I have BPD and I often don't have a clue what's normal behaviour.

So am I?

Good people don't lie.

Casual liars are horrible and not worth bothering with.

"And why is it only a present if it cost them money? Surely the value is in the thing itself, not in the monetary cost? To me that is illogical, unfair, and a little grasping. If I give someone a present I wouldn't expect them to rate it on how much it cost."

Horseshit.

A gift is supposed to be thoughtful, which passing on a freebie is not.

QuintessentialShadows - Well like I've said, yes, I have mental health problems, so I probably am mad. Thanks for pointing that out. Maybe you don't understand journalism. His job is essentially a gravy train of freebies. He probably gets a free thing every day of the week. He takes 2 minutes, emails someone and it is his.

I want my present to take a little more effort than 2 minutes from his day. If that makes me grabby, so be it. I have to work my arse off to afford ANYTHINg because I have a shit job. So any present he gets has taken significant sacrifice, work and thought.

Beyond that, he took a massive sulk when I asked if the tickets were free. Totally angry, refusing to talk to me, putting a guilt trip on me. I have problems with my mental health - playing mind games is REALLY not part of what I need in a relationship. Yet to save face he did it anyway. He lied to my face and when I caught him out, he got pissed off at me.

So yes, I am definitely being out of line here. You're right.

I really don't know what I've done to piss some of you off. Is it cos I get free things? Really, the free things don't make up for having a partner who just doesn't give a fuck most of the time.

I'm sorry people are being such cunts about this.

It's not remotely absurd or weird to want your boyfriend to get you a birthday present (however small) rather than just pass on a freebie that he would have had anyway.

Sometimes on MN the regulars enjoy clubbing together to wilfully misunderstand someone new.

It's very unedifying.

Shirley - he's not here. He's gone out. We had a huge fight anyway, so all this is probably just pointless as I'm quite sure it's all over anyway.

AThing, well maybe it is me being the cunt. Who knows? Maybe I should just accept that he gets free things and he can give them to me as presents.

I can see why you'd be upset he lied, I hate lieing too but really this was just a white lie I think? Surely you can't say you've never lied?

I also think you are equally in the wrong for snooping through his emails, you've lost the moral highground there really

If you dont want to be with him then don't be, you don't need to find an excuse

You asked in your op if you were over-reacting, I think you are but if your sure what he's done is so awful then that's up to you

Blimey.

So, illness aside (and hope you are getting better), would you rather have not gone to a concert you would really have loved, than have your DH get free tickets for it? Because I do think that is hard to understand. Not sure why someone has to walk over hot coals for a birthday present. I ordered DH's stuff on Amazon. Yes, I chose it and paid for it, but actually put in less effort than when he went to collect something for me on freecycle.

However, given that presumably your DH knows you feel like this, he chose to do that and lie about it.

I don't understand the problem with the tickets, but I do understand the problem with lying. Have you talked to him about it. I would, before I made plans to leave.

No you're not mad or if you are then there's a lot of mad people in the world because a lot of my friends have some sort of mental health problem. Anxiety, panic, depression, bi-polar...list goes on.

You came on relationships for support and it's somehow ended up AIBU?

Tell them to fuck off.

OK. Madonna. I have said this about 20 times.

Yes, I wanted to go. But I didn't want to be presented with them as a birthday/Christmas gift. Yes, get me the tickets, get me a token present that costs £2 or £5 or whatever and TELL ME the tickets were free.

I have repeated this over and over. If you can't be arsed reading the thread, don't bother replying.

Ah, x post. I'd be pissed off with his reaction to being asked what turned out after all to be a completely reasonable question.

Yellow - it's horrible going through a break up, but it sounds like you've had enough of his shit anyway - read back your posts and you might start to think that this break up is not the worst thing to have happened IYKWIM?

this thread IS weird, but I seriously do not get a problem. He knew you wanted to go, he wanted to do sth nice for YOU, so he got the tickets (why pay if you can get them free?!). He got you the thing you would appreciate the most, instead of some sh t chocolates (as someone correctly pointed out). He was probably nervous about being confronted, and just tried to avoid the whole thorny topic (typical male avoidance behaviour). When confronted, he was pissed off for being found out and probably feeling bad and guilty etc. Again, typical male behaviour.
But are you any better? Reading his email? Really? In my book it is a lot worse.

Finally, if someone gave me tickets for a concert I really wanted to go to as a gift, I would have been delighted. Would have been even more delighted if I found out they were free.

I remember your other thread and while I don't remember all of the details what stands out is that things keep happening that have you confused and wondering if its you and the bpd, and it isn't. It's not fair on you to keep living like this and worrying all the time whether it's you, frightened that you are doing the damage, while it's clear that your partner may be responsible for certain situations. I think you should separate and trust ypur gut feeling that things aren't working out. I felt really sad in your other thread because you seemed to feel that you couldnt trust your perceptions. It's really okay to break up if you aren't happy.

It's really about the lying. Specifically the anger and sulking when I accused him of doing so.

Can we forget the tickets or whatever and just say he lied and when I caught him out, he made me feel guilty about asking if he lied? Would that make it more palatable for you all?

I shouldn't have snooped. I know. But I knew he was lying. And the one thing that I always had faith in was that he wouldn't lie or play weird mind games. And that's what he did last night.

And x post again...

Right. OK.

I get it. I am an ungrateful bitch.

Thanks to those who understood.

Tut at typical male behaviour. That's nonsense!

My XH was shit at gift giving because he's a selfish arsehole, not because he owns a penis!

I've had relationships with super gift giving males.

This isn't aibu, but in the op she did ask if she was over-reacting, now that some people are telling her they think she is ,she's adamant that she's not

No you're not ungrateful. You've said you'd have been happy with the truth however it was wrapped. He shouldn't lie to you knowing how vulnerable you are.

X post. Yes, the lying about the lying and twisting it to make YOU the bad person is definitely shithead stuff.

fifty, I asked if I was over-reacting about the tickets. I suppose as the thread went on I realised that the lying was the problem

This isn't AIBU. So why not take your little fucking stupid hhmmmmm face somewhere else where there isn't a distraught OP who is actually wanting to get some advice? Are you this cynical and unpleasant in real life, or is it just when you have a screen to hide behind?

No, it's not you being a cunt.

Really.

They seem to particularly enjoy misrepresenting someone's position and then attacking them for things they haven't said when the person has mentioned mental illness.

Just ignore them. Nobody wants free stuff to be passed off as a present.

He made 0 effort for your birthday and lied about it so you'd think he had.

That's not a "white lie". It's regular casual dishonesty.

Yes just noticed that last line in op thanks for pointing it out. However, op has said she has mental health problems so I think a bit of tenderness wouldn't go amiss? I can't imagine people would treat their friends like this in RL? I know mine would be avoiding me if I did.

I would be angry that he lied. Being honest in a relationship is very, very important.

Just because the lies were about much sought after tickets that some people think you should have been grateful for - doesn't make lying okay.

YR - I think the majority of people on this thread are on your side. In any case, the most important thing is your own values and what you can or cannot put up with in a relationship, and it sounds like you've come to a decision there (and FWIW it sounds like the right one for you).

Maybe best now to step away from the thread and start making some plans for what you'll do next?