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Original poster

He said he bought tickets - he didn't

218 replies

yellowraincoat · 15/07/2012 13:20

My partner is a journalist and he gets free tickets for stuff sometimes.

Yesterday we were meant to see Bruce Springsteen for my bday - I actually couldn't go as I was ill. He told me he'd bought the tickets, not got them for free - this is important to me, I don't think it's nice to give people free stuff for their birthday.

However, I've found out that, in fact, the tickets were free after all.

I'm upset. Upset that he lied, upset that he didn't actually buy me anything but just got it for free.

But maybe I'm over-reacting. I have BPD and I often don't have a clue what's normal behaviour.

So am I?

OP posts:
ChelseaGirl86 · 15/07/2012 15:02

I completely get, OP, that you're upset about the lying rather than the free tickets. But I can't see for the life of me where your partner lied? If I knew my partner got 'everything for free, at least once a day' and he said to me "I've got you tickets for your birthday" I would immediately assume they were a freebie. After then saying to him that they were too expensive and him replying "don't worry about it", I would take that to mean "don't worry about the cost" i.e they're free.

I think you are overreacting but from what you are saying this might just be a symptom of an otherwise crappy relationship. If this bothers you so much, explain to him rationally why you're not happy and then move on with your life.

CuriousMama · 15/07/2012 15:04

ChelseaGirl86 did you not read he made op feel bad about accusing him of lying? Went sulky and stropped? Why not just say, yes ok I got them free I'm sorry for lying? But no, he took advantage and played mind games.

CuriousMama · 15/07/2012 15:05

Yes OP I'd hide this thread and just take the advice or support you were given and ignore the rest.

Anniegetyourgun · 15/07/2012 15:05

Just another one to back you up, yellowraincoat. I think some people are fixated on how much they would have liked to have that ticket. It so is not the point. As you've said, you would have been quite happy to go to a concert for which your OH had got free tickets, if he could have been truthful about it. It would appear some people believe honesty between life partners is some kind of strange fetish rather than crucial to a trusting relationship. How hard would it be to say "well actually I did get the tickets through my contacts, but we'll make it into a birthday treat for you with a special dinner etc"? Instead, he "had to" lie. Er, no, he didn't.

I wonder that no-one has even considered that, unless the OH absolutely despised Springsteen, he would have got something out of this as well. It was a pair of tickets, one of which he presumably intended to use for himself. It didn't cost him anything, it was jointly for his own benefit, and as you said, you'd have had to put in all the effort to make the trip happen. So it isn't a caring gesture particularly, and it was very dishonest to dress it up as though it were.

I don't think you're mad either. You have strong principles. Your OH should respect that.

AThingInYourLife · 15/07/2012 15:05

Here's where he lied for the completely disingenuous amongst you:

"He told me he'd bought the tickets, not got them for free."

But, in fact, he had not bought the tickets. He had got them for free.

On what planet is that not a bare-faced lie?

garlicbutter · 15/07/2012 15:05

It is okay to break up if you're not happy. Though I guess it doesn't feel so very OK atm :(

Freebie as gift: thoughtless.
Deliberate lie about that fact: dishonest.
Having a go at you for querying the fact: manipulative.
Whining when you were so ill: selfish.
Refusing to get your medicine: cruel.

Just going by what you've posted here, yellow, he's not looking like a kind person. From what others are saying about a previous thread of yours, it's not just this one weekend either.

I've got to say that, when a situation makes you doubt your own perceptions, it's FAR more likely to be the situation you should be doubting than your own eyes, ears and mind. I also sympathise: my ex got away with shit that, looking back, was blatantly awful. I was, as it turns out, surrounded by gaslighters who were invested in persuading me I couldn't trust myself Confused When ex realised I could so easily be made to blame my own mental health for his fuckery, he must have thought I'd come gift-wrapped!!

Anyway, you don't want to know that. You want to know whether it's reasonable to feel upset. Yes, it is. I suspect he's taking the piss somewhat. Maybe it's coming up time to appreciate all the good times and things you've had together, make a lovely memory box and pack it up with the rest of your stuff.

fiftyshadesoftwattyex · 15/07/2012 15:08

I said in my post earlier that if you were unhappy with him or this really is a big deal then you should leave, people have different ideas of what is ok or not in a relationship

But you asked if you were over-reacting so yes I assumed you wanted people's opinions on if you were, silly me hey Hmm (oh look there's that face again)

He might be thoughtless but you sound like a nightmare

AThingInYourLife · 15/07/2012 15:10

"Freebie as gift: thoughtless.
Deliberate lie about that fact: dishonest.
Having a go at you for querying the fact: manipulative."

Yy garlic

The proper Relationships people are here now. Hopefully you'll get less of the AIBU crowd bullying you and telling you you are crazy.

AThingInYourLife · 15/07/2012 15:11

Mentally ill woman being gaslighted by her partner = a nightmare

Hmm

Well fucking done MN

JustFabulous · 15/07/2012 15:13

OP. I totally get what you are saying.

You do not want him to spend money on something he can get for free.

You don't want him to lie full stop.

You don't want him to give you freebies as presents.

You do not want him to give you freebies and pretend he has paid for them.

You want him to put some effort into your presents which will make you feel loved and cared for.

PenisVanLesbian · 15/07/2012 15:14

But you're complaining that he didn't get you something as well as the tickets, then you say he did get you a picture in a frame.....so which is it?

Everybody lies. You lie. We all lie, for one reason or another, and anyone who says they never ever lie is...well, a liar.

Original poster
yellowraincoat · 15/07/2012 15:14

OK fiftyshades. I probably am a nightmare. People with BPD do tend to make pretty shitty partners, you're right. So yeah, I am a nightmare.

OP posts:
ShirleyKnot · 15/07/2012 15:14

You mean "well fucking done fiftyshades" surely?

PenisVanLesbian · 15/07/2012 15:15

Gaslighted? Big stretch there, nothing the OP says indicates gaslighting. Blowing things out of proportion is not helpful.

BelieveInPink · 15/07/2012 15:15

I think he was embarrassed he didn't pay for something for your birthday. Lying is easier, especially as he knows you don't like free gifts. Instead of not getting you a free gift he lied.

I think you're right to be disappointed and if lying, big or small, is a deal breaker for you then fair dos.

Original poster
yellowraincoat · 15/07/2012 15:16

Penis. Yes, we all lie. Normally we don't sulk and make someone feel guilty when we're caught out.

Yes, he got me a picture. I don't remember if that was birthday or Christmas as they're so close together and we didn't even celebrate either on the actual day.

I don't want to be lied to. That's all. Is it that hard to understand?

OP posts:
ShirleyKnot · 15/07/2012 15:16

Why are you being so obtuse penisvan? (funny name BTW)

If you're happy to be a liar and lied to and manipulated then good for you - some people expect more from a life partner though.

BIWI · 15/07/2012 15:16

You are not overreacting about the lying. I would have been angry too.

I'm shocked at the lengths people will go to on MN to explain away bad behaviour by men. 'Typical male behaviour'? No. This is the behaviour of a weak and dishonest person.

I hope you're feeling better soon, yellowraincoat.

Merinda · 15/07/2012 15:18

oh, I do not condone his lying at all. It is unacceptable.
It is, however, important to figure out why he lied and whether it is a one-off or a regular thing. IMHO, this is what is important for this relationship.
It is perfectly normal to be pissed off, and is understandable.
But it helps to put yourself in his shoes and see the situation from his perspective. What do you think went through his mind?
A bit of analysis helps dealing with anger as well btw.

(Let's put the whole birthday gift/tickets and free/not free stuff aside, it is a separate unrelated topic)

ChelseaGirl86 · 15/07/2012 15:18

"On my birthday, I said something like "oh these must have been so expensive, I feel bad you spent so much" and he said "it's fine, don't be silly". Something like that (my birthday was months ago, don't remember the exact words.)"

Not exactly sure how to quote but this is what OP said. By him saying 'it's fine don't be silly' to me, that is not a bare-faced lie. Again, knowing his history of freebies my first thought would be 'I don't need to worry/be silly over the expense because they were free'. That's why, IMO she's over-reacting.

It sounds to me that OP assumed he'd bought them, found out he didn't and when confronted her DP he was pissed off that she assumed he'd bought them? Again, just my opinion.

I'm sorry this is causing you so much distress OP, you've been given some balanced opinions here so try and take in both sides and come to a conclusion. If you really believe he was out of order and you believe you weren't over-reacting then that's good - stand your ground and tell your DP exactly why you're upset.

PenisVanLesbian · 15/07/2012 15:18

I'm not being obtuse. If you read what I said earlier, the OP's actual problem is that her boyfriend is a twat. I'm merely pointing out that she's complaining he didn't do something that she then says he did. And other posters are adding in things that the OP hasn't mentioned at all (which happens all the time in this topic, and is bloody annoying).

I'm a liar. So are you. I'm not manipulated by anyone, thanks very much.

AThingInYourLife · 15/07/2012 15:19

Shirley - fifty is part of a group pile in on a vulnerable woman looking for help, so no, I don't think she's the only one responsible.

Penis
"We all lie, for one reason or another, and anyone who says they never ever lie is...well, a liar."

Ah, the "logic" of the porn user - "I do it, ergo all men do it. And if they say they don't they are lying."

:o

Aren't you embarrassed to type such utter shit on a public forum, even anonymously?

Original poster
yellowraincoat · 15/07/2012 15:19

Chelsea, read the thread. I explain the lying later on. He lied yesterday as well.

I really don't know why people post if they haven't read everything.

The first time was a lie anyway. He didn't say "don't worry they were free" he said "don't worry about it", he definitely thought I thought they were free.

OP posts:
PenisVanLesbian · 15/07/2012 15:24

Porn? WTF are you on about now? You're not making any sense.

NOBODY tells the full truth all the time. Someone asks you if their new dress looks ok, you don't tell them that their arse looks like two badly parked volkswagons, you say "yes its lovely". You say you're fine when you don't want to talk but you're not. You lie every day, white lies, lies to save feelings, lies to help yourself.

Now, do try to grasp the fact that the above does not justify actual bad lying by OP's twatty boyfriend or anyone else. Doesn't make the above any less true.

Why assume though that he is a "gaslighter" (and do you know what that means, since the OP has not suggested it, so why is someone else?) Maybe he's an asshole. Maybe he's not. Maybe the OP isn't a walk in the park either.

Aren't you embarrassed to answer every post in relationships with "you poor woman, he's awful, leave the bastard", based on fuck all actual information?

ShirleyKnot · 15/07/2012 15:24

And again, penis, good for you! The op doesn't want to be lied to and then manipulated (neither do I!) so you just repeating " oh relax, man, everybody in the world is a liar" is not helpful.