Is there a guide to getting over someone, anywhere?

[calibri]

I have been in love with the same man for about 10 years. I worked for him, although not anymore. He had a girlfriend (later his wife), I had a string of boyfriends and then a husband. Nothing went on whilst we were married . Both our marriages went to the wall and we resumed our usual on-off thing not long after. He was initially móre keen on a relationship than me (I had no trust at all and was very disinclined to get hurt), then it briefly aligned, then I was more keen than him, although we have always remained capable of being very good friends who get on like a house on fire and have the most incredible sex. We are less good at maintaining emotional closeness. He's flaky, I don't trust him - blurgh. It's no good for me. I've been through this cycle (with him) about 10 times.

Currently, despite me having tried to end it 3 times, we are back to our usual 'friends with benefits' situation. We text pretty frequently, meet up, have a brilliant time, have great sex, then it drops off again. Doesn't take a genius to work out that the brilliant sex element suits him very well.

We are both going through messy divorces, we both have young children and careers and we live 100 miles apart. It was never going to be easy. My ex husband hates him and blames him for our marriage ending: actually, I was entirely faithful and the end was nothing to do with the OM, but I did fall back to him pretty soon after the marriage ended. OM's ex wife hates me, with more reason: there was something going on during their pre-marriage relationship (2002-2004), I thought they were going to end, because he seemed so unhappy and I couldn't imagine why he could do that and still be with me from time to time, but - hey - that speaks volumes about him. His ex discovered this after they got married. So no one can blame her for giving him absolute shit about me.

I never usually find it difficult to 'call' a situation, but I cannot bloody well get myself out of this. I think it's for the following reasons:

a) It's been over 10 years. Although we haven't ever really had a proper, functioning relationship, we have been in the background of each other's lives for a long time. We just seem able to adapt and change and carry on. I feel manipulated in some ways, but I am choosing to carry on. I could stop.

b) If I could pick any man to be with, it would be him. It irritates the hell out of me because he's so bloody flaky emotionally, but he's also funny, clever, capable, kind and I fancy the arse off him. I call it 'love' bceause it is so stupidly enduring, but I don't kid myself that it's a very healthy emotion. But - shit - if he would just be with me, I would never want anyone else. That is incredibly humiliating, because it's evidently not reciprocated.

c) He won't let me go. He always wants to resume the relationship (at the current level) and, because I basically do want to be with him more than anyone else, I end up going back.

d) I retain some hope that it might work out, one day. The current situation is very difficult, so it's tempting to blame that. But I KNOW he's fucking useless and will never be there for me. Dammit, though, he is under my skin. I don't want anyone else. I'd rather be single. I am single, really, with the occasional rations, which is why it's difficult to say no when he resumes contact after I've told him to bugger off.

e) Because of the above reasons, I never really open myself up to the opportunity of meeting anyone else.

That was so long. Thank you for reading, if you did. It's helped to write it, anyway :)

Has he said he doesn't want a relationship with you? A permanent one, I mean?

I think you've written an incredibly coherent and insightful account of your relationship. And no, no matter how strong the feelings are, it's not love, it's not even close.

The question is how much longer are you willing to accept this? Some women spend their whole life in thrall to an 'unobtainable' man. You could do that, if you want. It's your life.

But, if you want this to change, I think you actually know the answer. You cut contact. Fully completely. You tell him you deserve better, and you actually believe what you say. You delete his number, you block his emails and you move on.

Sorry - I wish I had a magic wand, but for every day you stay in this relationship, your self-esteem will diminish and so will the chances of you ever finding a genuine partner who loves and cares for you.

There is a man out there who will love you, and commit to you, and give you a wonderful future. That man is not him, but you know that.

If you can, break away and start giving decent men a chance.

BelieveInPink - what he says is, "we are so good together and I don't know what the hell my problem is, but I can't give of myself. I can't commit. A part of me isn't over my marriage or my ex, but I didn't give commitment to her, either."

Sometimes, that seems like the bigegst load of bullshit and other times, it seems reasonable, although to signpost that I should steer well clear. And on the really stupid times, I think, "maybe if I wait ... ".

hiding, triffid - thank you. Re breaking contact entirely: whilst I don't work for him anymore, we do both work for the same nationwide company. I have to see his name everywhere I go. I don't often have to contact him, but I can quite easily generate an excuse to. So it's impossible to forget him and all too easy to communicate on some level if I start to 'weaken'.

I guess I need something that works on an emotional level; like a 12 step plan??!!

I think the thing that helped me with a long-term crush/on-off situation was realising that it was really all about sex to him. I had imagined it was a special bond, that there was no-one who could come close mentally, it was intellectually so stimulating and interesting. Then, one day, about 10 years in, he said something and I realised that it really really was just all about the physical. We weren't soul-mates torn apart, I was just his long-term sexual crush (we didn't ever have sex).

This cured me of my 'am I in love?' idiocy in a flash. I then found someone else who is also intellectually interesting, stimulating and I fancy and I wondered why I'd believed such a load of guff in the first place.

I agree with the other that the best way to get someone out of your mind is to cut contact, all contact, no phoning/texting, change all numbers, this may make him want you more though so you should prepare yourself for that, it will be difficult if you both work for the same people but if this is a life time decision and you feel this is getting in your way of living your life to the fullest I would also re-consider another job.

That all sounds so easy but it isn't.

I think I would be inclined to tell him what you intend to do, i.e. get him out of your mind by cutting contact as he cannot give you the relationship you need, see how that goes for you.

mumsyblouse - can I ask what he said, please?

Tam - yes, I should tell him. I have done that before and I think I was the one that broke it. In fact, let's not lie. I've done it 3 times and, for the last 2, I was the one that broke it. The first time, to say, "is this the right thing to do?" and, last time, to say "just so you're not horribly guilty, I am doing really well" (I was, having cried and snotted all over him, so I felt really up for dispensing with the guilt and recovering some self-respect ... was back in bed with him 2 days later, so that worked ).

The difficulty is that I don't want to get over him. I want him.

I've just bought 3 'get over him' books, on Amazon. That may be £18 down the drain, but I really need to do something.

Calibri, I wouldn't actually repeat it on a public forum tbh, it made me realise that a lot of the imaginings were in my head, and although he very much liked me and liked my body, it wasn't 'special' in the way I had imagined.

The other thing is that this guy is now free, he is able to be your life partner and yours his. However, it's not working out like that, is it? I am a big believer that you keep doing what works. This isn't working any more, and it's stopping you having a better life with someone else.

Sometimes you have to protect you own heart. I also wonder how much you are enjoying this on/off thing, because it kind of makes you feel special, not like other people (who wouldn't understand) and that your life has some bigger romantic purpose. Perhaps seeing this written down, and matching it with the truth of what's on offer, will make you start to see this is romantic nonsense.

Really romantic is my husband caring for me after I was very ill, washing my hair, taking me to the toilet. Will this guy be there for you like that? I very much doubt it because it's the fantasy, the dinners, the long chats, the sex that is holding this together, not a real commitment to support each other through the difficulties of life. You've said he's useless and won't be there for you. I think that says it all for me, because to me, that's the opposite of true love.

It is hard. I know how you feel, I have a crush on someone just now. 40 miles apart, no chance of ever getting what I want out of the relationship, so I am in what I call "block mode" but I do still think of him and am unsure if he were to text or call me what I would/will do, I have only been on "block mode" for 2 weeks so..... it's hard when you want something but it isn't going to happen and I guess I feel in the long run I will be better off without him, I am hoping to continue block mode and also hoping he never contacts me again and that will make it all the easier!!

Men meh!! I also want this one but...why is nothing ever simple ?

you know the way to a man heart is also to not to contact him, let him chase you, be aloof, be busy, be cool, don't ever be needy, you don't need him, to have him would be nice...be the woman he could only ever dream of, I know this sounds strange but it apparently brings them back to you so the no contact could work for you in a good way ?

Good advice Mumsyblouse.

Thanks, mumsyblouse. I do need to see that. I can see it very clearly at some times, which is when I get my act together, switch the phone off, devote my time and attention to my children, my job, my friends and my house (or, hey, just myself). I feel happier within a day or two.

The other thing I need to get to grips is that it's not him or someone else. I can actually be single. I fought very hard to get out of a bad marriage and I very much value what I have left. Do I need a man as well ... ? Well, it's a nice-to-have, but I certainly don't need a bad man.

It is amazing how much of a tie great sex can create with someone. I'm sure that the great sex that I had with a (horrible) ex created feelings of love that really weren't there (he was emotionally abusive and very screwed up).

Great sex can be like a drug. It can keep you wanting more. Perhaps if you can stay away long enough for the drug to wear off a little, that will help. It will take time, particularly as this has been a long term thing, but it will wear off. I wouldn't want my ex going anywhere near me now.

I'm sure that the sex that I had with a recent ex (who I've posted about on another thread - dating a cocaine user) contributed to the bond I felt with him. It's going to take a while for that to wear off too.

Damn that oxytocin!

Tambasher: ah, yes, you do know and you have my sympathy! And I also recognise the 'the way to snag him is not to contact him' thinking :) But, of course, I need to stop thinking in terms of that strategies to get him ... I do, don't it? I really hate the way that hope still rises.

Is it terrrrrrrrrrrribly needy to wonder if we could be ... I don't know, block buddies?? My friends are so damned sick of all of this (rightly, of course). I think I might come back to this thread a lot.

shirsten - it's so incredibly intimate, isn't it? And ... tbh ... for us, it's pretty, um, specialist at times. So we have that real co-dependent 'no one else will ever understand us' thing going on.

My DH and I had pretty rubbish sex, by the way. This is by far the best sex I've ever had. I fancy this bloke so very much. Always have.

OP, I know this is a major change I'm talking about here, but is there the remotest possibility of you moving jobs to another company? I know that is a huge change at a time when you are probably sick of it, but it would get him out of your space and give you a better chance of recovery.

I know how much this hurts and words cant explain the pain when you want someone and they dont want you back.
I agree with the no contact at all!
I would just crave his contact even though I knew he didnt want me but any contact was contact until I found the strength and completely cut all ties, phone, email, facebook. Even now if I see him, which is rare, it hurts slightly, 2 years on but it soon passes.
Have you ever watched the film 'Hes just not that into you'? If a guy wants to date you he will make it happen. Its easy for me to say but dont waste any more time on this unavailable man! You deserve so much more and like you said why not be single, you have fought for this!
Every day spent with this guy is going to knock your self asteem, why do you want someone who makes you feel this way? Its so hard to find confidence after someone treats you this way.
Trust me I know how hard this is. The only advise I can offer is cut all contact completely.

Yeah great sex is erm... what can I say great sex but when it is not with the correct person can create all kinds of problems, I agree it is a huge step but possibly a job move may be the only way to get over this man.

This will then leave you free to find if you want to, a nice man who will commit and also possibly have great sex with him.

Yesterday I had terrible pms and was awful to DP. I took myself out of the house to get some space and despite him having a very heavy work schedule he did all the cooking, cleaning and ironing. He was nice to me this morning when I did not deserve it. A moment ago I text him to say sorry and that I was feeling unhappy and frustrated. He text me back with the words 'I love you and believe in you.'
That, OP, is love.

Calibri, he treats you this way because you let him. They way to stop the cycle is to stop it carrying on. You need to go cold turkey on him and block all contact. I know it will be hard but if he really wants you he will let you know and if he doesn't you start healing and getting over him/the drug.

I am a couple of weeks into cutting contact with a guy who wouldn't commit. I would have done anything for him to want the same as I do but I deserve some respect and won't be played, kept dangling etc while he has his cake and eats it.

I've lost 2 big posts - so annoying!

Ok - work (for the 3rd time) - no, I can't change. Am struggling to keep up the house payments as it is. Plus I don't want to, really.

Re 'Not That into You' - yes, that's the book I've just bought! :) It's true. he's had opportunity to show me. He does juuuuuuuuuuuust enough to keep me dangling when he wants me, but is equally happy to let me rot when he doesn't.

The writer of 'He's not into you' wrote a book called 'It's called a Breakup because it's Broken' I wouldn't mind reading that atm but I'm not a fan of self help books (goes to google amazon).

Tressy - yeah, I got that one, too. I got 3 of the buggers :)

I don't like self-help books, either, as a rule. But, seeing as I really do need to help myself, it seemed like a reasonable strategy to try.

It's just something to do, you know? I feel so bloody pathetic at the moment.

Oh Calibri, thanks for writing this post. I was in a very similar situation with a guy who could be same as yours except 'mine' doesn't have any children. Behaves the same, says the same things.
I broke off contact 2 years ago but I still think about him. We used to work together too, I had to leave the job. Then he text me out of the blue several months ago just when I was finally ready to move forward and look for someone new (and available). At first I just ignored his texts, but he's been so persistent about wanting to see me. Part of me is hoping that he's changed and he's going to say he's now 'ready'. But deep down I know that's not the case at all and if I do see him I'll just get hurt again. I can't believe I let myself be toyed with by him, and ok he is single, but how do I know there aren't 10 other women in his life he's doing the same thing to?

Anyway, I'm sorry I have no advice except that a book I can recommend - this gave me the strength to break it off - is The Commitment Cure by Rhonda Findling. I was sure I saw someone mention it upthread but I can't see the post now so perhaps I imagined it. Anyway I did find it very helpful indeed.

I've ordered the book. I need something to keep my resolve going strong.