Is there a guide to getting over someone, anywhere?

[calibri]

I have been in love with the same man for about 10 years. I worked for him, although not anymore. He had a girlfriend (later his wife), I had a string of boyfriends and then a husband. Nothing went on whilst we were married . Both our marriages went to the wall and we resumed our usual on-off thing not long after. He was initially móre keen on a relationship than me (I had no trust at all and was very disinclined to get hurt), then it briefly aligned, then I was more keen than him, although we have always remained capable of being very good friends who get on like a house on fire and have the most incredible sex. We are less good at maintaining emotional closeness. He's flaky, I don't trust him - blurgh. It's no good for me. I've been through this cycle (with him) about 10 times.

Currently, despite me having tried to end it 3 times, we are back to our usual 'friends with benefits' situation. We text pretty frequently, meet up, have a brilliant time, have great sex, then it drops off again. Doesn't take a genius to work out that the brilliant sex element suits him very well.

We are both going through messy divorces, we both have young children and careers and we live 100 miles apart. It was never going to be easy. My ex husband hates him and blames him for our marriage ending: actually, I was entirely faithful and the end was nothing to do with the OM, but I did fall back to him pretty soon after the marriage ended. OM's ex wife hates me, with more reason: there was something going on during their pre-marriage relationship (2002-2004), I thought they were going to end, because he seemed so unhappy and I couldn't imagine why he could do that and still be with me from time to time, but - hey - that speaks volumes about him. His ex discovered this after they got married. So no one can blame her for giving him absolute shit about me.

I never usually find it difficult to 'call' a situation, but I cannot bloody well get myself out of this. I think it's for the following reasons:

a) It's been over 10 years. Although we haven't ever really had a proper, functioning relationship, we have been in the background of each other's lives for a long time. We just seem able to adapt and change and carry on. I feel manipulated in some ways, but I am choosing to carry on. I could stop.

b) If I could pick any man to be with, it would be him. It irritates the hell out of me because he's so bloody flaky emotionally, but he's also funny, clever, capable, kind and I fancy the arse off him. I call it 'love' bceause it is so stupidly enduring, but I don't kid myself that it's a very healthy emotion. But - shit - if he would just be with me, I would never want anyone else. That is incredibly humiliating, because it's evidently not reciprocated.

c) He won't let me go. He always wants to resume the relationship (at the current level) and, because I basically do want to be with him more than anyone else, I end up going back.

d) I retain some hope that it might work out, one day. The current situation is very difficult, so it's tempting to blame that. But I KNOW he's fucking useless and will never be there for me. Dammit, though, he is under my skin. I don't want anyone else. I'd rather be single. I am single, really, with the occasional rations, which is why it's difficult to say no when he resumes contact after I've told him to bugger off.

e) Because of the above reasons, I never really open myself up to the opportunity of meeting anyone else.

That was so long. Thank you for reading, if you did. It's helped to write it, anyway :)

I also have a mate who will text me for hours, if I am struggling. I say, "Help, talk to me" and she will very happily talk shit with me for hours. It's like methadone, to get off the heroin.

That's not even funny, is it? Pathetic. But anyway, it does really help.

It's also about having the courage to say, "Actually, this doesn't make me happy. It's not your fault, or mine, but I no longer choose to chase crumbs off the table. I am happy with my life as it is, and if someone comes into it and likes me the way I am, well, lucky them."

Making myself believe that - really, really feel it is the truth - is my current strategy.

At some point, Shitty Pants is going to suggest meeting up. I want a way of saying no, without revealing I'm upset. So, a cool way of saying, "no, I want a different kind of relationship in my life, or none at all."

I really would quite like to go on a date with someone I fancy. Just need to find someone else I fancy. Shitty Pants really does do it for me. Very annoying.

Try reading "He is not that into you". The book makes so much more sense than the movie. It helped me realise i was pining for a loser sometime back.

Yeah I am also not going to be one of these women, S hadn't had any relations, well, so he said for 3 months, I kinda beleieve him as we were chatting every Fri/Sat night but tbh we started getting all sexual before we even met so it was kinda like.... living out a fantasy as that is what he had become, so I think I will just put this down to experience, I was living out my fantasy!

I am sure we are allowed to do this, I only jumped twice today when I received 2 texts, both not from S, I cursed 02 and answered my mum

To be honest I think this is why we texts also because it is free, it is sooo simple! Then the feeling come along and make it all complicated and we all know that some women cannot have sex without the feelings coming into it and I just happen to be one of them.

So no more living out fantasies. Even if he asks and even if says it will be even better now we know each other better. No No No, unless you are willing to commit to me, then I will run for the hills... this thread has been very theraputic, I missed out on Zumba bit but if it's fitness you mean yeah Zumba is geat, we little cousin is a certified trainer, sorry if this is not what you mean, I blame all my silly thoughts on my medication just now, it's very strong.

Calibri, how about 'I'm willing to meet up for a chat if you are going to tell me something has changed. If not then sorry, what we had doesn't suit me anymore'. I will be saying something along these lines if when, shitface, get's in touch.

Tam, sounds like some of these guys are in touch via the internet. I would give that a miss for a while too. Get back online dating when you are feeling better and have gotten S out of your system.

Tressy thanks I will give it all a break now.

I deleted my online dating accounts, I did this last week as too many want dates and I am not ready I just want... nothing really, I just want to move on but not into a bigger mess than my last one, I have my boys to think of, they have never met any of these men I have met, their heads would be spinning and they would tell my parents!

I don't like on-line dating there are too many nutters (or men looking for sex, if I said yes to all of them I would be well a right bloody slapper) and S isn't a nutter or sleazy, we were friends really we would laugh about my dates and me runnning out on men, but then it changed, I think this is what makes me like him, one non nutter out of 100 and I kinda fall for him but tbh I would rather think of S than my EX and Ex was in all my thoughts, now I just need some time out to read and chill and just stop thinking about anyone.

I kinda wish me and S could go back to being friends but not friend with benefits. He was good fun, I could speak to him, we had a great laugh, he knows all about ex, then it all turned kinda messy. Yeah defo no contact then I may go and be "just friends" with him again sometime in the future, although I don't see that happening tbh. Blasted sex always gets in the way.

Me and mine were friends first too and that's why it's so hard to walk away. It changed because he wanted more and I fell for him but he didn't want a serious relationship in the end. He would be happy to go back to just friends but I couldn't, not for a long time, so I've gone cold turkey.

Have also got someone 'dangling' who was waiting for this to end, but I cannot muster up any enthusiasm for seeing him or any other men atm.

Yeah cold turkey/blocking is the way to go I think.

I just viewed dating site and S was there at 1.45pm which is almost straight after his work, so he is definitly looking, so feck him, he can go and take a long walk off a short pier.

No more Ms Nice Tam, I really need to change my name, I remind myself of my Dad, I have no idea where I thought this one up tbh! Possibly my Dad. Why I would be bashing him though, I do not know.

Anyway, no more "friends" that is it over, in fact I may re-join the site just to bloody annoy him, nah I won't as there are too many men there but I feel like doing it, just to annoy S and then if he messages me I could really ignore him, make him feel used and things. I may resort to this next week if I am still in this mood.

I also have lots of "self help men" emailing my old email address, telling me how to "catch him and keep him" for £30.00 yeah right I will pay that. Oh and Eric charles whoever he is....god I was so erm... lame but I am over him now. Well more over him than I was, then I had operation and was defo over him, then he bloody texted me.... Maybe I will change my number. Oh I don't know.

I just need him to keep doing what he is doing and I will go right off him, if he was needy, even in the slightest way, that would be better, I would go right off him, quick-style.

just get the goddamn book and start reading it!!!!! :o

(it literally will answer all of your 'yes but why then..blah blah' questions!!!)

www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/0007198213/sr=8-2/qid=1341340564/ref=olp_product_details?ie=UTF8&me=&qid=1341340564&sr=8-2&seller=

£2.80 to get some answers!!!!!

Okay I will buy the book. Promise. Bloody men.

Gone against anything I said I wouldn't and signed up on POF! Been a bit of a distraction I must say :)

Oh no you mustn't

Although I am still half on it I am just erm... whats the word stalking yeah stalking.

If you see a guy who likes donuts keep yer hands off you hear!!!

Well I like donuts too. Don't worry I will block the b-d. Been chatting to a couple of hotties so far tonight. I haven't put a photo on my public profile, only private photos, so I will have to be proactive and send messages if I spot anyone worth it.

It gets kinda enthralling doesn't it, I also have no pic up just now as I am only using it for spying and I had 2 men contact me both bloody maried, I also forgot to tick the correct boxes and 2 other guys but don't like any of them, I don't like to ignore but think sometimes you just have to tbh!

I really just go on/off but am on just now as he is on and I want to see if he speak to me, not that he knows I am me as my details are all jumbled up.

Liking donuts is what got me in this mess (honest)

bugger is still on there hmm that me OVER him and feeling ever so slightly bad about the other guy on facebook who just told me he "enjoys out nightly chats and cannot wait to meet me".

Crap, messy.

I ignore most of them and if they send more than one unanswered message they get blocked. Until you've actually met and gone out a few times you don't owe anyone anything on internet dating. That's my moto.

Yeah that's the way to go I think. Is it just me or have you found any weird men on the site, I was on for 4 months as "friends" and had a guy who liked to dress up in suspenders and black high boots contact me, asking if I would ever consider wearing a "strap-on", I had a guy who I thought was showing an interest in my boys, only to find out he was more interested in their fighting and even more so them kicking each other in the testes, turned out he had a "thing" for getting kicked there and many many more strange requests, mainly for naked pictures.

God Tam that all sound so grim. No I haven't had anyone being weird from POF at all, just been lucky I guess. I've met up with some dull people and have kindof known that I didn't fancy them from the photos so will avoid that this time. I'm just on it for a light hearted distraction. However, if someone I like the look and sound of wants to make an effort with me I might be tempted to meet up.

Got a very goodlooking much much younger man asking me to have one last go with a toyboy, really tempted to have a revenge s--g.

Oh is he very nice ?

and if you could do it without getting in any way involved ?

go for it!!

I alsohad a lot of younger guys but they were always upfront and said exactly what they wanted i.e. a one night stand with older woman I just said nope sorry I cannot do it!! Some actually said they wanted relationships but reading between the lines they were just saying that I think.

Yeah the ones I met I just didn't "click" with and the ones I liked I was usually too scared to approach, it took me 2 months to approach S, then we were just friends, I really didn't think he was interested in me in "that way" but he proved me wrong then sex got in way.

I met another guy who only lives about 6 miles from here, I met him once, he turned up drunk and straight from workon a builders site He then announced "well I think I will just kip at yours tonight and leave in the morning", I said "oh you are so not" and phoned him a taxi. He still to this day think we were destined to be together I have told him we are not. He asked "why did you kiss me then" I didn't like to say "because you plastered one on me".

I met another guy and got on really well with him only to find out a few months later he was using heroin, he tells me he started using after we met but who cares that was the end of me and him.

I met a policeman too He actually found my sons bikes for them after they were stolen, then he kept calling me to update me on the situation, then I was on POf and this man started asking me things and saying things about my house, I was really starting to freak out...then he said "do you not recognise me?", I didn't, so said "erm, sorry nope do you stay local?" and yes, it turned out to be "the policeman" but he was just too polite/nice, he also led me right to the back of the cinema and started to get all gropy, he also doesn't drink or smoke, this was only 2 months after me and EX split so was a bit too soon so when we left the cinema he asked where I wanted to go next I squeaked "home", he has asked me out again after this but I just keep saying no, he is South American, I think my first instinct was probably right and we wouldn't get on, I would like to but you cannot force feelings. It was quite funny I gave him a lecture all the way home on "how I didn't need a man" it was boxing day and I was pissed which did not help! I don't even think I kissed him, I just jumped out the car and ran to safety of my house. As I say I would like to like him, he is same age etc but... and my Dad would like me to like him (one of bikes was my Dad so I sent him round there after a bit as he was becoming annoying with all his questions) my dad thinks he is "really nice guy".

I also met a 27 year old very successful business man from America but he was so up his own ass, he rambled on about how successful he was, then when we went outside I had a parking ticket on my car so he gave me £50 which was nice of him, he was also very very drunk so I waited until he went to buy more alcohol and ran away, well ran then drove away and wrote off my car! I stopped dating after that. That was beginning of February and my dad refused to be me car until I promised not to meet anymore random strangers off t'internet.

Oh and one more who was gorgeous but didn't speak much at all and he was also very gropy, touching me up under the table and suggested he "come back to stay at mine", phoned him a taxi too when he wasn't listening, I think he was in the loo at the restaurant, I am sneaky like that.

Then there was the polish guy, he wanted me to meet him on POF to chat at 8.00pm one night, I was in the bath and then put DS in the bath so maybe cameonline around 9ish, to amouthful of abuse for being late He called me a bitch, then apologised (5 weeks later) and said he was very sorry and would still really like to meet me, but the damage had been done.

Oh and the guy from Aberdeen who I almost met but then he put a new picture up of himself and I just kinda went off him. I have noticed that the ones I have met are allnicer/younger in their pictures, apart from the quiet/gropy guy and th copper, even S is nicer in his pics, I think I like himmore in his pics than I do in RL tbh, I kinda built him up to be somethin he isn't, I still like him, just not as much as I could have if he looked the same in his pics, he also says he is 5'10 and he is so not!

Then when I got another car and finally met S and thinking about him he is not my "ideal man" either tbh just "ideal for now" but he isn't even that now I have had this operation so that leaves me to start again, I think I may be too fussy and picking men too young tbh!

But yes, if you like this guy and he good looking then yeah go for it, we all need as they put it "sum fun" now and then

I cannot go on as I have lead to many men on to the point where it's dating time, and I don't want to date half of them and the guy who likes getting kicked in the nuts, I keep blocking him, but he then leaves, then comes back and contacts me again. I had a list of them all (the pervs) on my profile but found that only old men started contacting me.

I don't know what to do about the facebook guy either, as he said last night "I really like our chats at night Tam and cannot wait until we meet" I don't know whether to just delete him? He is also from POF but I woulnd't give him my phone number so he suggested Facebook and said I could delete him if I wanted to, so.... I would feel bad but surely it is better getting it over and done with, he told me the other night , his next relationship will be with someone who he likes for being them and he will get to know them before sleeping with them, he also knows about my operation, I guess I keep thinking I could drop my standards a bit as he is okay and seems to be an okay guy but ... Oh I don't know. I think I just need a break from all of them tbh!

Wow I have had some experiences, another one lives 4 miles away but just wants sex, another one is lovely and I liked him, he was the same though and told me so... after about 2 weeks, I was gutted at the time. Another guy sent me a few messages then one of his privates, I replied saying "if I wanted to see a Dick I could have looked at your face" then blocked him.

Wow huge post lots of

Gosh Tam, Did you keep a spreadsheet on them all.

Oh this youngun will be just after a ONS with an older woman, lot's of young guys are. The jury's out but I probably won't.

To be honest I was losing track a bit and had thought of a spreadsheet but thought it would be easier to just leave.

Ah well at least you know you have someone there if you fancy a wee night out.

I haven't scrolled back but I think you are the one whose situation has been going on for 10 years is that correct?

No 2.5 yrs, but there was history going way back.

Oh yeah just read back.

How is it going with the book if going, at all? I have yet to buy one, payday tomorrow, I kinda know he isn't inot me though so not sure which book to buy.

S had totally changed his "routine" though, he is on dating site less, maybe he did come on to speak to me or maybe he is paranoid and knows me better than I think and knows I am, well was (I haven't done it today) stalking him. I had enough last night after I seen he was on the dating site that was the end of it for me and when I make up my mind about a guy I usually stick with it. Which is good.

2.5 years though, yeah that would hurt me bad, I cannot believe he said he didn't want to ruin your friendship, what do these men want ?

I think S wants someone who lives closer to him, someone younger and I don't know what else, he really doesn't have a lot of time in his life tbh. I am not sure I could/would slot in anywhere in there and tbh I am unsure I woud want to, I think he is addicted to POF. I can understand that I too was addicted to it for a few months and even used to ignore S as I was too busy speaking to others...I may become addicted to again after a rest!

It's a good distraction, sometimes, but I was going on very late and sitting up until 3am at one point as I couldn't sleep this is most likely when I met/mailed all the weird ones.