I have been in love with the same man for about 10 years. I worked for him, although not anymore. He had a girlfriend (later his wife), I had a string of boyfriends and then a husband. Nothing went on whilst we were married . Both our marriages went to the wall and we resumed our usual on-off thing not long after. He was initially móre keen on a relationship than me (I had no trust at all and was very disinclined to get hurt), then it briefly aligned, then I was more keen than him, although we have always remained capable of being very good friends who get on like a house on fire and have the most incredible sex. We are less good at maintaining emotional closeness. He's flaky, I don't trust him - blurgh. It's no good for me. I've been through this cycle (with him) about 10 times.
Currently, despite me having tried to end it 3 times, we are back to our usual 'friends with benefits' situation. We text pretty frequently, meet up, have a brilliant time, have great sex, then it drops off again. Doesn't take a genius to work out that the brilliant sex element suits him very well.
We are both going through messy divorces, we both have young children and careers and we live 100 miles apart. It was never going to be easy. My ex husband hates him and blames him for our marriage ending: actually, I was entirely faithful and the end was nothing to do with the OM, but I did fall back to him pretty soon after the marriage ended. OM's ex wife hates me, with more reason: there was something going on during their pre-marriage relationship (2002-2004), I thought they were going to end, because he seemed so unhappy and I couldn't imagine why he could do that and still be with me from time to time, but - hey - that speaks volumes about him. His ex discovered this after they got married. So no one can blame her for giving him absolute shit about me.
I never usually find it difficult to 'call' a situation, but I cannot bloody well get myself out of this. I think it's for the following reasons:
a) It's been over 10 years. Although we haven't ever really had a proper, functioning relationship, we have been in the background of each other's lives for a long time. We just seem able to adapt and change and carry on. I feel manipulated in some ways, but I am choosing to carry on. I could stop.
b) If I could pick any man to be with, it would be him. It irritates the hell out of me because he's so bloody flaky emotionally, but he's also funny, clever, capable, kind and I fancy the arse off him. I call it 'love' bceause it is so stupidly enduring, but I don't kid myself that it's a very healthy emotion. But - shit - if he would just be with me, I would never want anyone else. That is incredibly humiliating, because it's evidently not reciprocated.
c) He won't let me go. He always wants to resume the relationship (at the current level) and, because I basically do want to be with him more than anyone else, I end up going back.
d) I retain some hope that it might work out, one day. The current situation is very difficult, so it's tempting to blame that. But I KNOW he's fucking useless and will never be there for me. Dammit, though, he is under my skin. I don't want anyone else. I'd rather be single. I am single, really, with the occasional rations, which is why it's difficult to say no when he resumes contact after I've told him to bugger off.
e) Because of the above reasons, I never really open myself up to the opportunity of meeting anyone else.
That was so long. Thank you for reading, if you did. It's helped to write it, anyway :)