Is there a guide to getting over someone, anywhere?

[calibri]

I have been in love with the same man for about 10 years. I worked for him, although not anymore. He had a girlfriend (later his wife), I had a string of boyfriends and then a husband. Nothing went on whilst we were married . Both our marriages went to the wall and we resumed our usual on-off thing not long after. He was initially móre keen on a relationship than me (I had no trust at all and was very disinclined to get hurt), then it briefly aligned, then I was more keen than him, although we have always remained capable of being very good friends who get on like a house on fire and have the most incredible sex. We are less good at maintaining emotional closeness. He's flaky, I don't trust him - blurgh. It's no good for me. I've been through this cycle (with him) about 10 times.

Currently, despite me having tried to end it 3 times, we are back to our usual 'friends with benefits' situation. We text pretty frequently, meet up, have a brilliant time, have great sex, then it drops off again. Doesn't take a genius to work out that the brilliant sex element suits him very well.

We are both going through messy divorces, we both have young children and careers and we live 100 miles apart. It was never going to be easy. My ex husband hates him and blames him for our marriage ending: actually, I was entirely faithful and the end was nothing to do with the OM, but I did fall back to him pretty soon after the marriage ended. OM's ex wife hates me, with more reason: there was something going on during their pre-marriage relationship (2002-2004), I thought they were going to end, because he seemed so unhappy and I couldn't imagine why he could do that and still be with me from time to time, but - hey - that speaks volumes about him. His ex discovered this after they got married. So no one can blame her for giving him absolute shit about me.

I never usually find it difficult to 'call' a situation, but I cannot bloody well get myself out of this. I think it's for the following reasons:

a) It's been over 10 years. Although we haven't ever really had a proper, functioning relationship, we have been in the background of each other's lives for a long time. We just seem able to adapt and change and carry on. I feel manipulated in some ways, but I am choosing to carry on. I could stop.

b) If I could pick any man to be with, it would be him. It irritates the hell out of me because he's so bloody flaky emotionally, but he's also funny, clever, capable, kind and I fancy the arse off him. I call it 'love' bceause it is so stupidly enduring, but I don't kid myself that it's a very healthy emotion. But - shit - if he would just be with me, I would never want anyone else. That is incredibly humiliating, because it's evidently not reciprocated.

c) He won't let me go. He always wants to resume the relationship (at the current level) and, because I basically do want to be with him more than anyone else, I end up going back.

d) I retain some hope that it might work out, one day. The current situation is very difficult, so it's tempting to blame that. But I KNOW he's fucking useless and will never be there for me. Dammit, though, he is under my skin. I don't want anyone else. I'd rather be single. I am single, really, with the occasional rations, which is why it's difficult to say no when he resumes contact after I've told him to bugger off.

e) Because of the above reasons, I never really open myself up to the opportunity of meeting anyone else.

That was so long. Thank you for reading, if you did. It's helped to write it, anyway :)

Hmmm I know I need these books, I know he is "just not that into me" but

Why does he text me then? Because he can no doubt, and he knows I will answer him, although the time he texted at I should have been asleep....right, decision made, I am putting him back to the bit in my mind where he belongs, where-ever that is, and I am going to stop wondering if he will text today, he wont, if he does, well that will just confuse me further, but he won't. I hope he doesn't, well I hope he does as this would make me think he is thinking about me but I kinda hope he doesn't, like he didn't for 2 weeks, okay 1 week he was on holiday but the other week, well no excuse as he was only getting ready for his holiday.

I should have had it out with him yesterday and put him on the spot and told him I wanted more than he could ever give me but it just didn't seem to "correct" time. hmmm If he does text soon (this week) I will have this out with him.

Meanwhile I have 2 nice guys I am ignoring all because of this un-obtainable guy argh!

sounds to me like the thing he is 'into' is having the upper hand, he knows exactly how to play things, gives you just enough keep you wanting and hoping

I recommend you go and shag the 2 nice guys..it will help break the addiction:o

Oh good thinking!!

The thing is these guys don't want sex.... crazy I know but they don't, well so they say they want relationships and cuddles and nice things that make me want to run for the hills, for no apparent reason, you could be right about him to be honest, he knew what he was doing texting me. bad bad man. He is back on block mode. I have not texted him for a full 24 hours. I was last to text so I won't text him again.

Blasted games, I don't like them, neither does one of the the other 2 guys which is why I feel I cannot contact him as I feel I am in the middle of this big game just now and he doesn't like games so I don't want him to become part of it, I wonder if I was with one of them though and then S texted how I would feel? hmmm

Maybe I will text the nice guy.... nah I will leave them all for just now. Bloody men, oh that was another thing, S asked me if I was still on the "dating site" I am not, well my face isn't...(sneaky) he seemed happy when I said "no too many men on there" he even gave me 2 xx rather than his usual one x

Aww I will get over him, he just needs to stop texting me, he know this, he knows I forget about people easily if/when they don't text and WTF is with the texting anyway, pick up the bloody phone, no in-fact don't that will make this worse.

Tambasher - oh, my love, that sounds so very familiar. I saw mine last Friday (so, 10 days ago). He drove a long way to see me, we had a wonderful time, had incredible sex, he stayed most of the following day, we get on like a house on fire. And then he just fell off the face of the earth.

And the conclusion is that: it is just about the sex to him. Yes, he likes the rest of it (and why wouldn't he - I'm ace), but basically, what makes him drive across the country is the promise of really good sex. It's not because he misses me so much his chest hurts (which is why I would drive across the country to see him).

Tambasher, is the sex really good? I can't remember if you said (sorry - lots of posts on here).

umm yes but I can do without it I think..... He got me all confused, he is still a member of the dtaing site, so he is really waiting on someone better to come along and I am just his friend for good sex I think, he also said he kinda misses me on the dating site as this is where we used to chat and I have been erm.. stalkingthefecker observing and he just pop on then off the dating site now but thinking about it and argh!!! I need to stop thinking about him , he really isn't all that, I just like him. I need to stop it

he's sucking up all your energy...feeding off of your need for him

Oh Calibri yes, we drive lots of miles too, but he kisses my forehead and hugs me and says things under his breathe about me and I say "what was that?" "what did you just say?" and he just says "aye aye" then we laugh and hug again.... then I get horny sorry erm... lost my train of thought there... oh yes and he makes me breakfast and we chat and we get along sooo well and he does make me do the "walk of death" back to my car alone we go together and

It's all about the bloody sex, who am I kidding! He lives too far away for it to be anything else and his work gets in the way and kids and my kids and we would have to "work" at it to make it anything else.

To be honest, I think this is why I had this bloody cyst and from what I read it comes back when you have sex... so I may just get ver him and stay celibate, forever. It's bartholin cyst (google away)

You know he isn't even that attractive, I mean he is the same height as me which I usually don't like, he drinks a lot but can handle it, he erm... tries to think of things to put self off S, he is erm... shit I cannot think of anything else but yeah good sex, he is very erm.... whats the word, giving. Almost to the point where I have to say hey look that's like 3 times for me you have a turn now.... (sorry if TMI)

I have told him I cannot have sex for 5 weeks, I even dropped a week because it's 6 weeks, I think he is just wondering WTF is wrong with me but I said I'm okay just had to have small operation due to not having any sex then having erm.. lots of sex and he just said "well as long are you are okay x" hmmm. He hasn't texted again but he is on his silly hours week but the times he texts he is usually horny and I pulled him up on that saying "oh yes I'm horny so I'll call Tam", he said "not at all" but he is going to say that isn't he.

Yeah your right Mercury, I was actually over him almost until he texted, cripes I was in too much pain and blaming him... then he texted me.

I may change my number not but then I would never know if he texted or not. ArghI have had this crush since February but it was a crush from afar until I got a new car then I was right through there and even the day I went he was acting all "different" and "nice" he and I both knew I was going to end up through there, I mean who puts on black silky underwear for a night at home with soaps ?, whilst still texting saying "yes boys almost away" and "yes waking with no alarm clocks is great, best feeling ever, well apart from..." "oh apart from what"

Bloody games, I'm sick of them

games can be fun for the person calling the shots...it's no fun at all for the person being jerked around.

It's quite possible that he needs you more than you need him, so you could turn the tables, get things on your terms and be the one calling the shots.

The better option is probably to just step away from all the manipulative stuff.

If you were really sick of games, you'd just stop texting and walk away.

Of course he texts, it's less emotionally demanding to have fun/sex/enjoyable times with someone who knows the limits and doesn't require much in the way of commitment or emotion in return.

This could work quite well if you didn't want much either. I don't think it works if you are spending much more emotional energy than them. If you were really cool with the sex/friends/whatever thing, it wouldn't take up so much headspace.

I also wouldn't stereotype guys who are normal, looking for relationships as 'nice' as if this were a damning thing. They might not be 'nice' in a sickly way at all, they might be hot in bed, or a great conversationalist, or quite controversial in their views, but just want a relationship.

If you feel safe with unavailable, that's fine, but you have to realise that's a choice. Basically, my number one rule of relationships is: Pick someone who really really likes you and is prepared to act on it (not say it when required the morning after). That way you are the one deciding if they are what you are looking for, not them.

Tam, you really need to take a step back and stop responding to him. You are having health problems and need to focus on your op and getting better. The fact that it means no sex is handy too, don't go to him or contact him during this recovery period. This will give you the space you need to start healing because if you both want different things it is best to let him go.

Yes you are both right.

I have to step back and let myself get better and I just had a bath and think lots when I have a bath and I was really using S also, so now I have used him I willl do the manly thing and move on. Well I didn't use him, I knew him for months, I had not any any relations of any kind for over a year and had needs, he fulfilled them, hopefully I should be fine for at least another year! If not for good, after googling my health probem, I may become a Nun, I am sure it must be simpler.

I mean I also have another guy who lives opposite and I know he wants us to get together, he also isn't all about sex, he also is someone I wouldn't go near due to other reason (i.e. I know him and he isn't "nice")

Re the other guys being "nice" again you are right, one does seem very nice, we have spoke a lot and I like him but do not really know if he is "nice" just because he also wants to be happy and "its not all about sex" does not make him nice, hence why I have not contacted him, I simply cannot be bothered tbh, he also lives 50 miles the other way and I refuse to take such long journeys to see if I "like" people. The other "nice" guy did turn on me once when I changed my relationship status on facebook and from what I can read in between the lines, he drinks too much and also gambles and I don't need any of that in my life right now.

Yes, I will stop answering his texts, tbh I really doubt he will text again anytime in the next 5 weeks anyway.

My life was so much simpler without these men in it tbh.

Also S punches doors and upon saying to him "so you have punched a fair few of your doors, you don't seem an angry person" he said "ah women" HUGE RED FLAG!!!

Yeah you guys are really just confirming my thoughts, I did this with S as it was easy simple, I even suggested we meet next time as it is effortless, he doesn't know the "real me" he only knows what I have let him know.

I'm going to take time out from dating completely and get better mentally and physically.

I think living with a dominating husband who followed my every move has made me turn into the type of person who could carry on just having meaningless sex just so I don't get hurt but S has the potential to hurt me so I am backing off, in fact I won't ingnore his next text I will tell him this. I think. I may just not respond. Everything I have googled has me down as his "booty call" and I don't want to be that. The texting/emailing which is oh so much easier than having RL conversations.

Yeah I am going to get better than think about men again after that, getting better could take more than a year as I am on a waiting list for another type of counselling so any decision I make right now are coming from a very very messed up mind!

Sorry not both I mean all of you are right.

I haven't read all of the posts, so I might be repeating someone else here..

but you need to read 'He's Just Not That Into You'...because sorry, he just isn't.

And they also do a book called 'It's Called a Break Up because it's Broken'

Both are fantastic. Both will help you. No miracle cure - you need to go cold turkey if you want to get 'over' him (although actually I don't think you need to get over him, you need to get into the idea of someone real, available and loving being in your life instead!) Good luck.

Tambasher - god, I really do feel for you.

I don't want to press the 'counselling' button, but I wonder if it might help and if a lot of this is about your ex, in a way. Someone said (early on in the thread - in fact, was it you??) that accepting a crap relationship can be to do with a fear of commitment. What you said about not wanting to get hurt again ... that sounds like not wanting a full relationhsip again, because of the risk of that really oppressive/abusive relationship stuff recurring.

My ex was also very dominating (and critical) and followed my every move. So this bloke seemed so lovely and carefree ... it was like a breath of fresh air. I totally overlooked the way I was slowly accepting less and less from him. It's abuse, in a way. I wouldn't keep anyone dangling like this, but then I am letting him. And so are you. Why wouldn't they like it???

Idonthavemanner

Yeah we know, we have a little list going

Calibri It may have been me. I feel like crying tbh, I think what I am doing is trying to be like my EX i.e. in a relationship and having more children, except without the children but yeah what you have typed pretty much sums it up, I am terrified of being hurt again, I don't know if I will ever be able to put my full feeling "out there" again as I risk the fear of once again being hurt, to me that is what relationships are about, hurt. S is also carefree, I like this, I like him but will stop it whilst it is only "liking".

So I am defo stopping all contact with him, I don't wnat to be rude to him, as he really has done nothing wrong, I will simply be upfront with him and tell him, I have been through too much crap to risk getting hurt again and you have the potential to hurt me.

I guess I am also very aware that after being in such a horrid relationship, the chances of me doing it again are around 80%, I think I will talk to my WA support worker on Thur, she is very sensible.

I am too busy trying to get over my 16 years of hurt, without getting "involved" again, only to be hurt.

It was nice though to be held and cuddled all night and yeah...it was nice.

Oh crap I cannot even remember a name for 2 mins sorry itdoesnt'somerthingaboutmanners argh forgot it again, sorry!!

No we wouldn't keep anyone dangling. If we weren't into someone we would let them go. Why do men do this? Is it just for sex, do they keep us dangling until they line up another willing sexual partner.

As attractive women we know we can get just sex anytime, except very rarely with a person who ticks most of the boxes (in my case) and we want to have a fulfilling relationship with and this is why we hang on. Argh!!! It is really hard.

Yeah, we are dangling aren't we.

I have to confess I have 1 mman dangling but I think I am going to cut him off altogether as I know it is not going anywhere and he does not know this and that's unfair, I don't have the balls to tell him this, so I don't know what to do with him tbh. I hate confrontation. He knows all about EX, he is "waiting", that's going to be one long "wait", I have tried to distance things, i.e. not responding when he calls, texts, stopping pputting xx at the end of messages and he dissapears for a few day but he comes back.... hmm.

I need to cut him loose, the easy way would be to delete him from FB account and hide from him but is that bad? Am I owe him an explanation? Oh I don't know anything anymore, I told him months ago I wasn't ready, he wants to "wait"..... then I go sleep with someone else and get all "gooey" over him, yet I cannot/will not commit to Mr Dangly man.

Eek I do believe I have created a little mess. Crap. I bet he is nicer than s possibly but just available, I actually met another guy a few weeks back and he was just too needy, he lives nearby and was driving up and down my street, he messaged me 5 mins after meeting him to ask "do you find me attractive?" WTF I ran for the hills.

Tbh I have had 6 dates since EX I have ran out on 4, sent one home with excuses of bad bad headache and stayed with S, he knows this, so he must feel special when he really isn't all that.

Wow my mind is very messy with these men people on it. I am pleased I had this peration as S suggested meeting up soon, and my DC go away on hols next Monday, I would put a £5 on me being at S all next week, well as long as I could have stayed, so this operation has came at a good time, even if I was a little bit sad at not being able to "meet up" it really is a blessing in disguise.

exactly! Women can get casual sex anytime..where as men find it more difficult, less women are up for sex only arrangments, so if they find one there's a good reason to keep her dangling

What I liked about the "It's Just A Date" book (by the same guy who wrote 'He's Just not That Into You") is the way it emphasises getting a life. Reading Tambasher's posts reminded me SO much of my own total focus on blokes. I'm not saying I'm past it, but I am starting to think about filing my life with other stuff, so - well, so I have a life of my own! So I do stuff. so I'm interesting. So I have something to talk about. So I have continuity even when that side of life is shitty. And so I can genuinely not have night after night of emptiness, when the kids are away with their Dad and I am left clutching my phone like it's a lifeline.

This Zumba thing - I know it's a but crap, but I'm already feeling better. And I'm talking to some people about a couple of local bands, and setting up gig dates with a friend and ... well, ANYTHING other than keep space open in the vague hope that Shitty Pants fancies a bit.

Mercury - you are bang on. Fewer women are up for sex only arrangements. I don't want to be one of the women who do that, when actually I need an entirely different kind of relationship to keep me happy.

Also, you know what? My kids deserve far better than a mother who checks her phone over their heads and is sometimes all mopey over some bloke not replying to a stupid text. Bloody mobiles, really - they are the DEVIL in situations like this! But only I can switch the bastard thing off.

'bit crap' ... not 'but crap' ... that's totally different ...

Filling my life, rather than filing it ...