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Original poster

Rumours at DH's work

999 replies

Ormiriathomimus · 23/06/2012 20:49

He is one of the few men working in this school. Last year rumour started that he was having an affair with one of his assistants. Nasty particularly because her H is an abusive twat and if he got to hear these rumours the consequences could be pretty bad. Rumour was quashed by HT would sent strongly worded memo about spreading malicious rumours.

Anyway it has started again. Assistant in question is in the process of trying to end her marriage and is in a very difficult position.

But right now, I am more concerned about me. Selfish I know but I am recovering from depression and still a bit unstable. I know he isn't unfaithful. I know they are just stupid rumours. But it hurts to think that so many people (some of whom I know socially) might beleive these rumours and in fact be spreading them. It makes me feel undesirable and ugly, middle-aged and stupid, a sap who is being take for a ride.

I can't tell you how upset it has made me feel. It had made me angry with DH for being the sort of man he is - the sort of person who gets close to other and shows that he cares about them, and lays himself open to rumours.

Can anyone understand me?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 23/06/2012 20:52

I understand that your H is making you feel like this, by his actions

I also think you should start looking outward from what lines your H is feeding you

Do you believe there is nothing to these rumours. Really ?

motherinferior · 23/06/2012 20:52

Darling, I totally identify with the bit of you that feels 'oh, they are spreading those rumours because clearly I am so repulsive that they can't believe anyone married to me wouldn't have an affair'....but that bit of you is the bit that is still depressed. You're gorgeous. Fuck 'em. They're clearly the sort of people who don't believe that friendship between men and women is possible, and are reading that wretched Shirley Glass woman and are whipping themselves into a frenzy about EAs. No bloke with the privilege of being Mr Orm is going to go and shag someone else Grin

Original poster
Ormiriathomimus · 23/06/2012 20:54

Yes, I do beleive him. They are so absurd and lurid for a start - apparently he was seen having sex with this woman in the toilets in a restaurant Hmm. The thing is that the only people who were there at the time are people he counts as friends or at least as people he gets on well with.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ormiriathomimus · 23/06/2012 20:56

Thanks MI Grin

I wish I could feel that though. I feel about as desirable as a 10day old chicken sandwich....

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 23/06/2012 20:56

I absolutely agree you should be more inclined to think of yourself in this

Portofino · 23/06/2012 20:58

Where are the rumours coming from? Who is expressing them?

carabos · 23/06/2012 21:01

I once worked in a place like that. If I had had all the affairs I was alleged to have had, I wouldn't have had time to do any work. It's probably not your DH but the colleague who is the real subject of the gossip, especially if it is known that she is trying to end her marriage.

All you can do is ask your DH to have nothing at all to do with her, even if this causes inconvenience. And see if he can find out who the rumour- monger is - there will be one person at the centre of this and that person will either be attracted to, or properly dislike, your DH, or more likely, his colleague.

motherinferior · 23/06/2012 21:02

I don't think you should ask your DH to have nothing to do with her, just to silence someone else.

AnyFucker · 23/06/2012 21:03

I wouldn't blindly believe my H in this situation, sorry

the rumours have started once, the head teacher has had to step in to squash them

but they haven't been squashed, they have a life of their own

something is feeding them...and if these are freinds of your H, I am not sure why they would make things up ?

I am not getting it, OP, and I don't think you have the full story either, sorry

and I can see how someone telling you to completely dismiss them all feels like the right thing to say to you, but I am not able to do that

I think you should be questioning, not quashing

Original poster
Ormiriathomimus · 23/06/2012 21:05

I told DH he needs to step back a bit but he thinks that is giving in. I told him I don't give a toss about that. Anyway she won't be his assistant next year.

He was actually commiserated with by one teacher because she had heard rumours that he and X had split up Shock He put her straight but didn't insist she tell him where she heard this. Personally I'd march in and bang some heads together but I can't...

OP posts:
Original poster
Ormiriathomimus · 23/06/2012 21:08

af - I just can't see it being true. It may be of course. It's always a possibility, I know that.

OP posts:
Dprince · 23/06/2012 21:09

If you are confident he isn't having an affair, you need to concentrate on that. These nasty stories can cause untold damage. I think the HT needs to do more than send a memo, tbh.
I had a similar problem. A woman dh worked with emailed an account we shared telling me he was sleeping with her. He was her manager and she had been given a written warning, dh went mental. I was quiet fragile at the time and was beside myself. This woman son then emailed threatening dh. I didn't know what to think. Dh called the police and put a grievance at work. The grievance was upheld. Its was gross misconduct. An employee does not have a right to try and hurt your personal life. She was sacked, she thought admitting it was a lie would save her job but it didn't. There was absolutely no proof. Dhs work investigated his email, phone etc. The police arrested her son.
As soon as dh put in the grievance I knew there was no basis. I didn't think there was but I couldn't believe someone would be so nasty. I knew he wouldn't have involved his employer if there was any basis. We got over it pretty quickly Tbh.
It was dhs actions that helped move past it. He was understanding of me and why was struggling and he wouldn't stand by while someone hurt me and just ignore it. He took action. He involved me in every step of the process, his employer even visited me to take a statement and after to reassure me there was no basis. We were lucky that he his employers took it so seriously.
I am in a much better place now and could handle it. At the time it felt like the world had crashed. I just kept thinking about his promises and the actions he was taking.

AnyFucker · 23/06/2012 21:10

he is resisting "sorting it out" once and for all ?

why ?

what has he to fear ?

ask him that

Original poster
Ormiriathomimus · 23/06/2012 21:13

How does he sort it out though? No-one's going to stand up and say 'it was me'.

thing is I am too tired and wrung out to be bothered with it all right now. The worst of it so is he ? It's all so crappy.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 23/06/2012 21:14

I am sorry, love

it sounds horrible

Dprince · 23/06/2012 21:15

I do agree with AF on that. Your dh has to sort this once and for all. If my dh had been reluctant to act, I would have been convinced it was TRUE. Like I said my dhs actions reassured me.
I am not saying the gossip is true, but your dh has to act. As does the HT.

Dprince · 23/06/2012 21:17

Sorry for the capital TRUE
Everytime I type TRUE on my phone it makes it capitals.

AnyFucker · 23/06/2012 21:17

he should have asked his colleague who commiserated about the end of his "relationship" with this OW wtf she was talking about, though

why is he so passive ?

why would he clam up ?

he should be chasing it down, not hoping against hope that everyone will STFU

it smacks of burying one's head in the sand

now that either makes him the ostrich from hell (because this is all hurting you ) or of someone that knows there is more for you to find out

awbless · 23/06/2012 21:24

It sounds a bit dodgy to me. No smoke without fire.

He knows its upsetting you - so he should keep his distance from this woman and tell her why, he should also tell everyone else in school that is what he is doing and why. Squash the rumours completely.

However, if he still wants to be 'friends' with this woman and not quash the rumours - then I would be very very suspicious.

You should come first not her.

And for God's sake don't go in there shouting the odds, that will only make you look pathetic. Hold your head up, tell him to sort it out!

JammySplodger · 23/06/2012 21:27

If you trust him (and it sounds as if you do - AnyFucker, he could be one of those nice men left out there), then he really needs to put you first and let his colleague's other friends look after her during her split. It sounds like he's just being a friend to her but twats have decided to make a nasty little game out of it.

Yes it would be giving in to the twats rumours but right now it sounds like you really need that for your own peace of mind. I'm sure his colleague would understand if she realised how you were feeling - something he needs to get across to her perhaps?

AnyFucker · 23/06/2012 21:38

Jammy, I didn't say he couldn't be a nice bloke

but he isn't doing what he should be doing

EnergyStar · 23/06/2012 21:39

"It had made me angry with DH for being the sort of man he is - the sort of person who gets close to other and shows that he cares about them, and lays himself open to rumours."

I fully understand why you would feel like that, but in 23 years working in an all male (except me) environment, I never met a single man like that.

IME they don't generally care about others to the extent that they get close to other people's problems in the way women do. They can be very caring about people close to them, but not to random colleagues IYSWIM, so I'm afraid I would question whether he really gets close to "others" or is just close to this woman and her problems.

JammySplodger · 23/06/2012 21:42

No, agreed Anyfucker, he should be fixing this so Orm doesn't feel like shit.

oiwheresthecoffee · 23/06/2012 21:48

Orm im sorry but this does sound odd. Why isnt he dealing with this ? If this was me i would be speaking to my manager/whomever is my superior to get this sorted out. Its not acceptable ever but especially not in the workplace to spread rumours like this.

joblot · 23/06/2012 21:48

I hope I'm wrong, but as a decent colleague and human I've never had rumours because I've done nowt, and I think you need to be more cynical about your OH.