Rumours at DH's work

[Ormiriathomimus]

He is one of the few men working in this school. Last year rumour started that he was having an affair with one of his assistants. Nasty particularly because her H is an abusive twat and if he got to hear these rumours the consequences could be pretty bad. Rumour was quashed by HT would sent strongly worded memo about spreading malicious rumours.

Anyway it has started again. Assistant in question is in the process of trying to end her marriage and is in a very difficult position.

But right now, I am more concerned about me. Selfish I know but I am recovering from depression and still a bit unstable. I know he isn't unfaithful. I know they are just stupid rumours. But it hurts to think that so many people (some of whom I know socially) might beleive these rumours and in fact be spreading them. It makes me feel undesirable and ugly, middle-aged and stupid, a sap who is being take for a ride.

I can't tell you how upset it has made me feel. It had made me angry with DH for being the sort of man he is - the sort of person who gets close to other and shows that he cares about them, and lays himself open to rumours.

Can anyone understand me?

mellower I love that! You gave given me a great idea

Oh no I was bad!

Those poor 30+ people actually thought they were getting a dog for free.

30+ people!! Worth doing then

Ooh I love revenge .....

Yup! It worked! It's amazig how many people would love a nice wee bitch for free, I am sure I done other things, like stalking her... phoning her from the phone box outside her house and daring her to come out, phoning her b/f and giving him the Telephone number of B&B they stayed in (he believed her) so he finished with her, that was very satisfying but still not enough tbh!

I would like to say I was very young but I was 30 years old ffs!!

She did wind me up a lot before this happened! (promise)

Orm, I may not have commented so far but I have been following this thread.

Can i just say you sound like a lovely, kind and intelligent person and I'm so sorry about what you've gone through recently.

The thing that is jumping out at me is what others have said repeatedly - there's no way this relationship stopped at kissing. The reason you and your DH aren't getting anywhere with your communication is because he's still lying to you. He's lied about their physical relationship. I can't believe you would preface a question with 'Assuming you didn't sleep together...' The logical assumption should be that they have slept together. You're either incredibly naive or in denial about this. You need to ask him the question straight out and tell him you want the truth. You say it's not that important to you as he's betrayed you anyway. I understand that. However it's important to him - important enough to try and conceal from you.

Sorry - I don't wish to butt in when others are giving you such great advice and you're making such good progress (you have amazing strength of character) - but this seems like the elephant in the room.

Orm, just so you know, there are only a few messages to go before this thread is full - in case you wanted to start another one.

The trouble you have is that this whole situation is like a massive zit on your face. It's there staring you in the face every time you look in the mirror, you want to be rid of it, but to do so you have to get every bit of pus out. And it's one of those blind ones that won't squeeze properly. So you try, because it's really bugging you - and some stuff comes out; but you need to keep digging and digging, knowing that you're making a bloody mess of your face, but still digging and digging, even though it hurts - and even if you do get the whole infected mess out, you're going to scar. Of course, if you don't get all the shit out, the thing will scab over but never heal properly - they never do until all the shit is out. That's why not knowing leaves people festering and bitter - they can't heal while the poison is still inside.
However - as has been said, you don't need to know the fine detail of the crap that was in the zit. You know it's shit, you know it's hurting you, you don't need to dissect it or stick it under the microscope.

And you're unlikely to ever get the whole truth (obviously there are some men who do tell it all, like Lying's friend, but I think they're a very small minority!)
Sometimes they don't even know the truth any more because they will have re-written history to fit their new life scenario; so their "truth" is a load of twisted bollocks anyway, because they had to make it so to be comfortable with what they were doing.

I actually spoke to the OW in my case on Saturday and she cleared up a lot of the unknown grey areas like when the EA affair became a physical one. It helped me to understand what had happened and more importantly the lies he had told her about me and our marriage to justify himself. She was equally shocked to find out that our marriage was relatively normal and said that she began to realise that when I found out and the bubble burst.
Yesterday I spoke to her face to face, not her choosing....she was sitting in her car in a car park whilst he went to the shop. I think she wet herself when she saw me! I remained very calm and in control and when he came out of the shop he looked ashen.
All I can advise you is what others on here advised me....keep your dignity. Karma has a nasty way of biting people in the bum and my husband and the OW are getting quite a lot of bites at the moment.
You have done nothing wrong and will be able to move on. Your husband will at some point have to live with his conscience because one day that will bite him in his bum too and he won't be sitting comfortably for a long long time.

I asked him all my questions. He answered them. No major revelations, but some additional details that upset me, but I did ask. We went for a long walk along the canal with the dog and had a meal in the pub, lots of talking.

If anyone wants to know what he says I'll tell you but I don't want to go into details now if you don;t mind.

Hope you are OK x

Take care - maybe today you should take time off on your own and do something nice/pamper yourself x

Talking is good i hope you got what you needed to feel better.

I think you are a very nice, trusting and strong women. You will have a fab life with or without him by your side. What happens next is up to you and on your terms if he wants to fight for you and your marrage.

I am feeling tired and wrung out, but better. Like I've purged the poison.

I told him that I wanted to get back to feeling as if I was coming home when I saw him. That was how it was 5 or so years ago. He understood that. Maybe it will happen. I feel as if I have all of his attention and his love for the first time in years.

thumb - I told him MN said he was a zit!

I've followed this thread from the start, Orm and been rooting for you. I think Thumb's analogy is brilliant. I hope your marriage can heal, with minimal scarring!

aargh thought I'd posted n this but phone must have died. Glad it all sounds positive. Take your time over what happens mnext though - don't let him rush you

Good luck Orm. Hope it all works out for you. Havnt posted any advice as not in a position to offer good advice like the others, but often come on here to see how you are.

I hope that put him in his place properly, Orm!

Hope you are ok x

Orm, it's up to you whether you want to share details. It's none of our business unless you want to disclose it and ask for advice. I'm a little troubled by your comment that there were no major developments as I remain certain that he has kept significant information from you but it's really up to you to decide whether you want to believe him and stop asking him questions. If you're still doubtful then we are always here to analyse the new information that he has decided to give you.

Thanks everyone. This thread has been amazingly helpful. MN is a wonderful place. Thanks for all your patience, support and advce but it's about to die a natural death anyway and I think it's about time - it's a bit of a beast now and it's switchbacked with my moods. I am still not 100% sure of where my marriage is going but I do have a sense of relief that I know as much as I need. DH knows there will still be bad times and he is on board with that.

If When I need more advice I'll start a new thread. Thanks again all of you, in particular some of you who are so knowledgeable and understanding and have given me so much of your time x

schmarn - right now I am processing what he has told me. I need to do that first before submitting it to MN for inspection . I am so fragile in my moods I think I need to do myself the courtesy of dealing with it first - I have reached a sort of equilibrium and it is blessedly peaceful for the moment. first time in 4 weeks - longer really.

Wishing you all the best Orm.

Bless you orm - I haven't read this thread for some time, but I really admire you for how strong you have been with this.

I really hope to god that you can work through this - and that you will be ok, if you stay with DH or you decide to part.

I hope it all goes well, there has been some amazing advice and support on here.

Take care.

Good luck Orm - I hope the peace gives you some space to process it all more clearly and you find a way forward. :)