Rumours at DH's work

[Ormiriathomimus]

He is one of the few men working in this school. Last year rumour started that he was having an affair with one of his assistants. Nasty particularly because her H is an abusive twat and if he got to hear these rumours the consequences could be pretty bad. Rumour was quashed by HT would sent strongly worded memo about spreading malicious rumours.

Anyway it has started again. Assistant in question is in the process of trying to end her marriage and is in a very difficult position.

But right now, I am more concerned about me. Selfish I know but I am recovering from depression and still a bit unstable. I know he isn't unfaithful. I know they are just stupid rumours. But it hurts to think that so many people (some of whom I know socially) might beleive these rumours and in fact be spreading them. It makes me feel undesirable and ugly, middle-aged and stupid, a sap who is being take for a ride.

I can't tell you how upset it has made me feel. It had made me angry with DH for being the sort of man he is - the sort of person who gets close to other and shows that he cares about them, and lays himself open to rumours.

Can anyone understand me?

Sometimes there is smoke with no fire - just a nasty vindictive shit stirrer in the background. At least this is what happened to me when I was a lot younger. I worked closely and got on very well with a married male colleague. Vicious rumours did the rounds for months and got back to his wife. View were completely untrue and caused so much stress.
We eventually discovered the source but I still don't understand her motivation.

I think PurplePidgin is spot on. It's not, I think, the substance or not of the rumours that is the priority - it's about you and how shit you are feeling. I am so sorry.

Well....I think he may well have been inappropriate with her and you need to maybe look at this. Not read the whole thread.

But persistent rumours, that keep surfacing from different people....then I'd say maybe there was actually something to it.

I know some people can be nasty and spread gossip for the hell of it. Happens a lot in my dhs job. But people get used to the stirrers. But usually good friends of yours saying this too?

Well let me tell you. One day some rumours started and they were genuinely untrue. Really super, hardworking family guy. I know they all are, but this guy no way! Well let me tell you he brought down a shit storm. With the line management. He even consulted solicitors to warn them against slander and defamation of character. They soon shut up. I knew him personally and I knew the people stirring. They were always at it. Bit he was so livid that they would drag his family and upset his wife and kids. He was prepared to sue as it was untrue.

He meant business, I don't see that from your op. Ask yourself why.

Orm, how doing, love ? I haven't read any other threads from you recently, but I sense a massive back story here

This the how you are describing your H the sort of person who gets close to other and shows that he cares about them, and lays himself open to rumours.

Rightly or wrongly But it hurts to think that so many people (some of whom I know socially) might beleive these rumours and in fact be spreading them. It makes me feel undesirable and ugly, middle-aged and stupid, a sap who is being take for a ride. this is how your H's actions are makeing you to feel.

Where is the caring and concern for you from this caring person? It is easy just to dismiss the rumours that doesn't make you feel any better or show any caring for your feelings.

There are some work places where ths sort of thing is pretty common. Where I work there tends to be an assumption that any male/female friendship is because the two people are sleeping together. It cant all be true.

It really is no reflection on you though, if people are having a gossip and spreading rumours - It doesnt mean that people think that you are unattractive, that is irrelevent to this sort of gossiping. They could just as easily be saying 'what a shame that he is sleeping with X, when Orm is so nice/attractive/etc'

Hope you're okay OP :(
My husband is the type of guy I can see this happening to. He's not blokey, he prefers the company of women, etc etc. I think him being seen having coffee with a female friend would be enough to start a rumour. The saddest thing is that women quite often take his friendliness for flirting- This has happened a few times when I was there, a part of the conversation- And when it's become clear that these women think DH was being flirty, he's been very upset. (nothing creepy, by the way- things like "I like your jacket, that colour suits your eyes" or "you're looking really beautiful tonight". Genuine compliments, from the heart.) Unfortunately, he's had to curb his friendliness towards women because of this, and that makes me very very sad.

Similarly, my best friend is a man- He's straight, married with two children. I've been close to him for about 15 years, and in all that time, there have been rumours that we're shagging. Those rumours have never ever gone away. We've never done anything untoward- We don't even hug or peck each other on cheeks- But if we have coffee, it's guaranteed that in the following fortnight we will come to know that people have been talking. Luckily, his lovely wife and my wonderful husband know us well enough to laugh it off and encourage the friendship, but it's very sad that two straight people of opposite sexes can't be friends.

IawnCont You're right, it is sad, and whilst it says more about the unpleasant minds of those gossiping than it does about you, nonetheless you (and the OP) are the ones who have to deal with the fallout.
I've had a little of this with dh. Again, he's friendly and chatty with women - some would say flirty (as I can be myself with blokes) but we both know perfectly well that's all it is. I've seen him do it. But I did tell him once to tone it down with one woman - not because I felt threatened, but because I thought other people might perceive it wrongly. He disagreed with me, (he thought I was over-reacting, I thought he was being naive) but toned it down anyway, because he didn't want me feeling upset and potentially humiliated.

That's the thing isn't it clam - That he toned it down when it upset you. That's the key, I think.

Orm, no idea what I think and no advice, but I'm sorry you're having to deal with this shit :(

Thanks.

I think I'd like to leave it there for the moment.

I've found some texts on his phone that suggest a great deal too much emotional involvement. I don't know how I feel. I still don't think he's having a physical affair but that isn't the point.

He sees it was inappropriate and is sorry. But we are at the point where sorry doesn't seem to mean much. He's either being very naive about his relationship with her - I'm guilty of Pollyannaishness but even I can see what's going on is far to close. Or he's done something more. Right now I don't care that much.

Not sure where it's going or what I want to happen.

Please can we just drop it now. Sorry.

Ohh op. SO the rumours did have basis (hugs) :(

Yes of course but come back to this if you ever want to. Take care xx

So sorry Orm :(

I'm sorry Orm. Sounds like shit.

Oh dear. I am so sorry.

Oh Orm I'm so sorry

Take care of yourself x

I'm sorry, love

You need to trust your instincts now and STOP making excuses and rationalisations for him

You know where we are x

OP

cheer up! A little over a year ago someone started sending me messages, claiming to be having an affair with my husband. It was some pretty sick stuff. I really felt unloved and absolutely demoralized. I'm ashamed to say, I even started to mistrust my husband a little bit-I was afraid of being the trusting wife who is cheated on constantly...I just had to take the bait-I just couldn't believe that anyone would lie about having an affair...

...But then I went over her story, the dates, the times, the bank accounts there was no kind of proof that he was seeing her. He was all our sons therapy appointments+lunch meetings where often times I would meet him to entertain people. Eventually I came clean with him and showed him the messages, he logged into his own email address and showed me similar emails he was receiving about me...he never even read the messages after the first one, he knew it wasn't true.

We love each other, there will be times where we are both insecure, but at the end of the day we have each other to confide in and that's whats important. 

There are a lot of unhappy jealous people in this world who will do anything to drag you down into their despair because they can't see others being happy. Chin up and keep smiling.

actually, disregard my post, I didn't read enough of your story to realize there was more. I'm so sorry---I'm a massive dick-wad. (sorry!!)

I'm really sorry OP and good luck.

Hi everyone, thanks for respecting my wish to stop the thread. It all got a bit heavy and i didn't want to keep on rehashing in online.

DH was initially sorry about the texts and admitted he's not have been happy if it had been me receiving them or sending them. Later after he'd has some time to think he said he didn't know how he'd feel I know, I know exactly how he'd feel.

He went out to watch the football without eating anything, came back ab out 11pm, drunk and a bit solemn and proceeded to annouce that he didn't think he could make me happy, I was always complaining about him, nothing he did was good enough, he was lazy and selfish but he didn't think he could change. Basically take me or leave me as I am. Then when I asked him whether he wanted us to stay together he said he didn't know. Whatever I asked him he said he didn't know. IE, I can't be bothered to think about it anymore. I took it to mean he was going to leave. I was distraught, felt sick, to my eternal shame I begged him not to go. He held me in a distracted sort of way but said nothing.

next day he went off to work saying he was sorry he had hurt me so badly. But he'd be back at 5.30.

I felt sick, it felt as if someone had punched me in the stomach, couldn't eat or drink.

I texted a friend who came round asap, soaked up a lot of tears, gave me hugs and listened. She also laid it out quite clearly what she reckoned was going on in his head:

1. We had been together a long time - no hearts and flowers anymore.
2. 3 kids, one of them very demanding.
3. I work full-time.
4. DH's job is also very demanding.
5. DH is 50 and doesn't want to be.
6. His dad died at 59 so DH reckons his own countdown has started.
7. I'm depressed so despite my best efforts I am not always good company and often tired.
8. He is surrounded by younger women who all think he's wonderful.

So the equation is simple. Boring uncommunicative, stressful marriage v new exciting younger woman who strokes his ego. I am as sure as I can be that he hasn't had sex with her but that doesn't matter TBH - it was the emotional connection I resented.

Friend also knows DH's 'ow' and told me that emotionally she was a bit volatile and had had a string of abusive men - my caring and absolutely non-abusive DH was very attractive to her.

Dh rang this friend while we were talking to see if she was with me and asked how I was. Friend told him I was a mess so he came home from work. Gave me a hug, told me he was sorry, he thought I didn't care (although how the fuck he thought that after all the time and money I spent on his bloody birthday!).

When he got back from school friend took him out for a drive and basically said all the things to him I couldn't. She also told him about ow's history.I think she gave him a bit of hard time - she tends to favour blunt-speaking.....

So he came home, we talked some more and we are OK. At least we have some breathing space to sort things out. He is more sorry than he can say about causing me so much pain. I am still a bit angry with him but there's time to talk everything over. We are at least being gentle with each other.

Rumours still doing the rounds at school. They have even spread to the staffroom at the secondary school linked to DH's special school. Which is the school our eldest 2 children go to. The head made an announcement that all the the malicious rumours had to stop forthwith and anyone hearing anything was to go to her. Who knows whether that will help....He offered to leave the school but that wouldn't work for him or for us as a family. He has stopped texting her and he is quite prepared to let me see his phone whenever I want to.

I think the two of you just need to keep talking.

But don't let him heap all the blame for things onto you 'he thought you didn't care' 'you have been depressed' blah blah.

You have been the grown up in your marriage for a long time, and that will take its toll.

I really hope you can sort things out, you always come over as such a lovely, kind woman Orm, I really wish you all the best :)