Rumours at DH's work

[Ormiriathomimus]

He is one of the few men working in this school. Last year rumour started that he was having an affair with one of his assistants. Nasty particularly because her H is an abusive twat and if he got to hear these rumours the consequences could be pretty bad. Rumour was quashed by HT would sent strongly worded memo about spreading malicious rumours.

Anyway it has started again. Assistant in question is in the process of trying to end her marriage and is in a very difficult position.

But right now, I am more concerned about me. Selfish I know but I am recovering from depression and still a bit unstable. I know he isn't unfaithful. I know they are just stupid rumours. But it hurts to think that so many people (some of whom I know socially) might beleive these rumours and in fact be spreading them. It makes me feel undesirable and ugly, middle-aged and stupid, a sap who is being take for a ride.

I can't tell you how upset it has made me feel. It had made me angry with DH for being the sort of man he is - the sort of person who gets close to other and shows that he cares about them, and lays himself open to rumours.

Can anyone understand me?

Ah well, the rest of the relationship is a bit cack anyway. It's just an added complication. I guess a bit more straight-talking is required. Not sure where the energy will come from.

As it happens I genuinely think he is naive and innocent of any shenanigans. I am also naive. Would have been nice to stay that way.

I'll say it again. WHO is spreading the rumours? Sound like they are rife in the school and your dh is giving you the much edited highlights. I would personally think, and this is just me, that he tells you this stuff just in case you might hear it elsewhere.

are you ok, orm, you seem very flat x

No, I'm not OK AF. Thanks for asking. I don't have the energy to deal with any of this. Want it all to go away.

I am so sorry, love. This all sounds very shit.

Can you confide in a friend? Might help

A few pointers from my experience; what the beloved cheater says initially:
of course im not having an affair, how could you even think that, you need help, your jealousy is a problem, I love you but these accusations wound me...,I wouldn't do that, when do i have the opportunity, as if, im not that type.... and so on.

Just trying to say the cheater never admits to their twattiness until forced.

DH had this situation a couple of years ago at a business networking group he went to. He told me about it but he just laughed it off as in his words it was "pathetic gossip from a load of people who needed to get a life". It did upset me at first but it was just a woman he got on with who he went for coffee with after the meetings. I became friends with her as DH introduced me and I am 100% sure nothing was going on. Can you get your DH to introduce you to her if they are friends? Might stop any rumours and if he doesn't want you to meet you will know you have something to worry about?

That's a great idea AngryFeet, after all I expect OP knows her DH's other close friends

Angryfeet - I do know her. We get on really well when we see each other. She stayed for hours after dh's party while she tried to decide what to do re her marriage. I even told her she could stay over if she wanted to but she went to her parents. I may be naive but it didn't seem anything was wrong.

If it is your dh who is telling you of the rumours, well sorry, they are likely to be true.

I don't really like doing the whole 'alarm bells' thing, but from an outside POV it definitely feels uncomfortable.

I'm really sorry you are feeling low, and dealing with this (whether rumours or not) on top of how you are feeling is just shit.

The post from Mother Inferior (while well-intentioned) is complete nonsense. Lots of affairs happen in marriages where the individuals feel privileged to be with their spouse and regrettably, many start because of poor boundaries between work colleagues, one of whom provides a shoulder to cry on and the other pours out her woes about her abusive husband.....

My guess is that something has happened and something has been seen and witnessed. It might not be a fully-fledged affair, but someone has seen enough to suggest that it might be. A snog or a conversation overheard, for example. For the rumours to survive this long and to have been resurrected, IME it always points to something having happened on at least two separate occasions.

This suspicion is strengthened by your husband's passivity and inertia. As you have seen from posts on this thread, if there was absolutely nothing in these rumours your husband would be furious and anxious to clear his name. If he wasn't more frightened for his own welfare and cared more about yours, he would be equally furious that your fragile mental health was being threatened by spiteful lies. But right now I think he is just hoping that this will go away if he doesn't make too much fuss and thinks that if he does, worse will be uncovered.

One other thing to ponder. I've known of a couple of instances where the 'real' OW was the instigator of workplace rumours about a relationship between her MM and someone else entirely - usually a woman she dislikes. This produces a 'double-whammy' of getting the information to the MM's wife so that she kicks him out - and besmirches the reputation of a disliked work colleague.

This sounds awful for you OP.

There's another teacher EA thread about. I do hope it's not you because that one was pretty hopeless

All sorts of shit could be going down though, poor you...keep posting, there's a lot of support here.

If there were rumours going round about me at work I would be fucking furious and want to quash them and see diciplinary action taken. I cant help think there is no smoke without fire in this case if he is doing fuck all about it. AF is right. If there is no truth then he is not doing what he should be doing.

Why do you know rumors about your Hs wotk ? I have no blue about where Hs wifi even quite is

Where my hs work is

There are various things here.

1 even if people are having an affair, there shiuldn't be so much gossip that the ht has to step in, it's unprofessional
2 if there are things being said that make you feel like crap, your dh should be supportIng you and fighting your corner, not making light of your feelings.
3 if a woman is divorcing from an abusive man, sHE is v vulnerable both to gossip and getting emotionally attached to any man who shows sympathy, so for her well being, he should be standing back from her.

If he can't see this then your dh is either using her for his own emotional prop in a 'I'm so supportive aren't I great ' way, or is just loving all the rumor and gossip and being the centre of attention.

How much is this bothering you? What do you want done about this? You can tell him straight or approach people at the school yourself or just ignore him. Your choice. You don't have to just put up with this, people are gossiping about your marriage, you have a right to speak up

I don't think the rumours are the issue here. The problem is that Orm feels like shit and her H is doing fuck all to make her feel better.

If I were you, Orm, I'd prioritise getting myself stronger then look at his lack of support and encouragement while you're ill. Whether he's cheating or not, he's being a bit of a twat and from what you've said this is just one symptom.

From a recovering depressive who's P can also a bit crap on the emotional front

Orm, you say this woman stayed for hours after your H's party , I may be wrong but to me that sounds like she had another opportunity to get close to your H. How do you know what they were saying /doing to each other when you went out of the room ?

I'm sorry but I believe these rumours are true , people mostly don't spread untrue gossip .

I suggest you keep a closer eye on your H and stop being so trusting , as others have said he's hardly gone out of his way to reassure you that he is being honest has he ?

I'd be checking his phone, emails etc for more proof of an affair , and unfortunately I think you will find it .

It strikes me as very odd that he hasn't found and challenged the 'muck spreader', particularly when the assistant could be at risk if her abusive husband hears these rumours. Be careful that you're not being used 'we're not having an affair, his wife knows about all the rumours, she chatted to me after his party' etc. You don't want to be her alibi.

Does he have an HR department?

This happened to me at work but the rumours were being spread by the wife of one of the blokes I worked with who decided she didn't like me. I was the only senior woman at work. Her husband btw used to take off his wedding ring when going out for drinks fgs. Not my problem he was an arse!

I went straight to HR. Told them I was being harassed and funnily enough, the problem was sorted and I never heard about it again.

HE has to sort this out. Because I took such a strong 'I am not tolerating this' it stopped v quickly.

If he tries to sweep this under the carpet, it will keep on happening. He needs to complain loudly and preferably in writing to the HT!

Orm what a shit situation

Your H isn't being fair to you by allowing these rumours to drag on, he should be making a formal complaint at work and getting them squashed.

I think he IS. That's why it's not resolving.

I am sorry jemma lots of people spread untrue gossip. Its starts off small and gathers its own life. It can usually start off about something untrue.