Rumours at DH's work

[Ormiriathomimus]

He is one of the few men working in this school. Last year rumour started that he was having an affair with one of his assistants. Nasty particularly because her H is an abusive twat and if he got to hear these rumours the consequences could be pretty bad. Rumour was quashed by HT would sent strongly worded memo about spreading malicious rumours.

Anyway it has started again. Assistant in question is in the process of trying to end her marriage and is in a very difficult position.

But right now, I am more concerned about me. Selfish I know but I am recovering from depression and still a bit unstable. I know he isn't unfaithful. I know they are just stupid rumours. But it hurts to think that so many people (some of whom I know socially) might beleive these rumours and in fact be spreading them. It makes me feel undesirable and ugly, middle-aged and stupid, a sap who is being take for a ride.

I can't tell you how upset it has made me feel. It had made me angry with DH for being the sort of man he is - the sort of person who gets close to other and shows that he cares about them, and lays himself open to rumours.

Can anyone understand me?

The rumours started after that IIRC. It all seems such a blur - I wasn't that bothered tbh so don't remember details.

Ahh...the wedding DH was invited to the evening do without me. I didn't want him to go but in the end I was suddenly invited to go with him. He also went on the Hen party - weird or what? Thinking of the wedding, we had left the kids at home with DS1 in charge. About 9pm DH rang them and there was no answer so I panicked and we went home to check on them. Kids fine but I stayed home with them. Dh went back Oh dear....

Oh, Orm. I'm so sorry to read this. You probably don't remember but I was on a thread with you talking about starting to run again as a depression buster.

It is difficult living with someone who is battling the black dog, but looking outside the marriage is never the answer, and I'm really cross actually that while you have been poorly, he's been being inappropriate with someone else - It's SHIT.

He went to her Hen night? That is weird.

I do remember shirley. I've had to stop again as my foot is playing up. That doesn't help.

I know. I did a bit at the time but I have never tried to stop him doing things. That stupid trust thing again.

Ugh - bloody foot. (Tangent - could you do some stuff on an elliptical or bike or something?)

Did any other blokes go? Although I guess it's irrelevent because it has become clear that there was an inappropriate relationship going on anyway. I really hate that this is being turned around to you as well. Actually it's all quite fury making Orm.

It's NOT stupid to trust someone, it's NOT. It's stupid for someone to take advantage of a trusting nature though, stupid, cruel and selfish.

Orm did you post about the hen night? Or the wedding? For some reason that is all ringing a bell with me.

What a shit situation.

I think it is lovely that your friend is helping you out as a go-between, but at some point you need to start saying these things to each other - especially the apologising from him.

Unless all partners were excluded, that's a bit odd only inviting him to the wedding isn't it? Did he stay long when he went back?

I know I mentioned this upthread and it might seem out of left field, but are you sure it's her he's involved with and not some other school employee? FWIW I have heard of one wedding where the bride got up to some shenanigans with another male guest but it must be rare. Whereas if the bride was a friend of the real OW then I can see why she might not have invited you that day - and why he went back to join the party.

No other partners were invited stern - because of space. Which is fine I guess. I don't think it could be anyone else - the texts were definitely to her. I guess there might be someone else involved but I don't think so. it's getting quite grisly already without another person being involved.

I remember your previous thread Orm. I know you love your DH, and obvs I've never met him, but I think he sounds like a manipulative shit head. DP and I work in schools, and if unfounded rumours began to undermine our professional reputations we'd take action.

I can see that you really want to sort this out, move on and make a go of things... but if I were you I wouldn't bother. Sorry you are going through this.

Yes ali I did. Looking back I was a bit uncomfortable about it all at the time - hence the post on here.

Oh dear Orm. I too remember the Hen thing. So sorry to hear this.

I too think he is milking his naievity.
Rumours start about his TA. And he doesn't have the common sense to realise that this would upset you and that 'something', whatever it is, needs to be done. Even my AS 8 year old would probably hazard a guess that it might be best not to 'play with that friend so much'.
Come ON. He is not THAT naieve. This playing dumb seems a bit far fetched.

Yes I'm sure it's bad enough that this has happened with one woman, let alone another. Still think going back to the wedding was a bit odd after you'd all come home though, especially as he made the call to your children and got no answer, precipitating your dash home.

So this was when? Last summer? A whole year ago then? And you remember feeling a bit uncomfortable then? That's the kind of thing I was referencing when I suggested you looked back.

I agree you need to talk to each other now, but unless that's a very long dog walk I think you'll need more time than that.

I don't know oblomov. I was that dumb too

You HAVEN'T been dumb. You have been trusting and supportive. He is a piss taker.

I have her number on my phone from when we were organising DH's birthday present from the class. I invited her in for coffee and we had such a nice char I am having to restrain myself from texting her what I feel.... but that would be unsisterly and after all it takes 2 as they say...

Do not text her!! Keep the moral high ground and all that. If you text anyone make it your DH. Tell him you want some straight answers to straight questions and no more passive aggressive shilly shallying around. If he really is such a great, caring emotionally open guy (as he has painted himself) perhaps he could extend the courtesy of displaying those qualities to you.

That's what I'll find out tonight. It's a bit make or break tbh as I need him to bne open about what's gone on with her. If he hedges or refuses to answer I'm afraid I'll know it's all pointless.

My ex was a great, caring, emotional guy. Turns out part of his being really "caring" meant listening to all his colleague's woes, most of which seemed to be about her "love" for him, while lying to me about her feelings "to protect her". I wouldn't be one bit surprised if that's what's been going on here. The question was (and is, for you) why does SHE deserve protection, more than I deserve the truth?

"why does SHE deserve protection, more than I deserve the truth?"

Yes. Quite.

OP - don't text her. I think you know what's been going on here - deep down. Look at the facts:

1. persistent and recurring rumours (from friends and colleagues - are they all malicious bitches?)

1. Gut feeling about the relationship with OW has made you but nothing more because you love and trust your DH

1. Despite denying relationship and downplaying rumours, he has secretive, intimate relationship with OW

1. He doesn't confess anything, the only reason you find out is by checking up on him

1. When found out, he acts like a self-entitled, self-pitying twat

If there is any hope of you getting through this as a couple (and I don't know if there is, but people tell me it can happen) I think you need to see some fucking dazzling about turns from DH. Does he know that?

Sorry about the depression btw. I know how crippling it can be.

He said he lied about her feelings (leaving me feeling like a crazy, jealous bitchface - I also had depression btw) because I might otherwise be angry with her. Funnily enough, I'm not going to be angry with someone else for thinking the man I love is great - I would agree. Where I might start to get pissed off is if she starts to get in touch at night/at the weekends/with overemotional stuff, or trying to exclude or laugh at me. And a man who lets a female "friend" do that has not got the right idea about his partner IMO.

I've got that horrible twisted sick feeling in my belly again. Just thinking about confronting him re colleague and seeing him lie or get angry. Oh god I hate this.

No Orm. You were not dumb. He was.
He had all the facts, because it was happening to him.
You did not know all the facts. Because you were not the perswon havign the experience. And he did not tell you , his actions, and thoughts and feelings.
You trusted him. Which was normal. And admirable.
He was naieve. Not you.