Rumours at DH's work

[Ormiriathomimus]

He is one of the few men working in this school. Last year rumour started that he was having an affair with one of his assistants. Nasty particularly because her H is an abusive twat and if he got to hear these rumours the consequences could be pretty bad. Rumour was quashed by HT would sent strongly worded memo about spreading malicious rumours.

Anyway it has started again. Assistant in question is in the process of trying to end her marriage and is in a very difficult position.

But right now, I am more concerned about me. Selfish I know but I am recovering from depression and still a bit unstable. I know he isn't unfaithful. I know they are just stupid rumours. But it hurts to think that so many people (some of whom I know socially) might beleive these rumours and in fact be spreading them. It makes me feel undesirable and ugly, middle-aged and stupid, a sap who is being take for a ride.

I can't tell you how upset it has made me feel. It had made me angry with DH for being the sort of man he is - the sort of person who gets close to other and shows that he cares about them, and lays himself open to rumours.

Can anyone understand me?

Glad to hear you both are talking.

Your H may have had issues and problems but these do NOT justify his decision to have an affair (although it appears to be emotional) - he could have chosen to talk to you, write to you, drag you to counselling etc.

The fact that he thought you didn't care shows how detached he has been from the marriage - this is something cheaters do in order to create emotional space for OW. And also how far into his affair bubble he has gone into to have become blind to your attention.

I would really recommend getting Shirley Glass's Not Just Friends - there is a lot in it about workplace affairs.

Thankyou ali

I'm not taking all the blame. What really precipitated a lot of the bad feeling this week was me having a rant at him last Tuesday. I let loose with all the things I was cross about and ended up saying 'if I had any backbone I'd have kicked you out years ago'. Which judging by the misery I was in when I thought he was leaving is clearly not true. So I had had my say already and he knows his faults. He'd been worrying about what I had said all week - hence the 'I can't make you happy I might as well leave' conclusion.

One of the communication problems is that I tend to get angry and shout and say hurtful things and then forget about them and feel better. He remembers each word and broods on them. I think action speaks louder than words but clearly I am going to have to think before I rant.

Thanks so much for coming back to update us, when you've got so much going on. I've been wondering how you were.

Good luck.

Good luck, orm

You know where we are x

Oh Orm

However, the only way out of this I can see is if he does in fact find another job.

Why isn't this at all possible?

Thanks all, yes I know where you are when I need to howl again.

missf - he teaches in a special school. There aren't that many around and none of them seem to be recruiting. Not only that, this school is next to the kids school so if they have a problem he can pop over and see to it and he can get to DS2's school to pick him up. He can walk to school so we don't need 2 cars which we couldn't afford. To change schools would be logistically impossible - well not impossible, but very very hard.

For now I have to trust him but beleive me it will be trust backed up by evidence. I think he is guilty of being naive (so was I), a bit self-centred and a twat. That is all.

Thanks for updating OP.

But this isn't a recent thing is it? You said there were rumours last year, so none of this can be connected with your recent 'rant'.

Beware of projecting why you think this has happened on to your husband. Listen very carefully to what he thinks his reasons are for doing this, remembering that he could have discussed this with you at any time and that no-one in their right mind would think an affair would help their partner to love them more.....

Find out when this started with this woman and compare that time with whether he was feeling unloved and undervalued. You might find that this is just an excuse and that actually, your relationship at that point was pretty good - but an opportunity came up and he took it, mainly because of his feelings about himself and not you or the state of your relationship.

No, the text thing and the rumours have nothing to do with my rant. But he reaction to my finding of the texts was due to my rant. Instead of instantly trying to repair the damage he had done he thought about what I had said and jumped to the conclusion it wasn't worth it - and yes, maybe he also thought there might be somewhere else to go

For now I have to trust him but beleive me it will be trust backed up by evidence.

The problem with this is that you can't monitor him 24/7 and you really do not want a life of always checking his phone/emails (he could easily set up a secret email account or buy a second mobile).

The best way to prevent future infidelities is for him to gain an understanding of what was in him that made him justify his behaviour - this means looking at himself, exploring his issues and addressing his character flaws and boundaries.

Sweeping things under the carpet and hoping for the best will come back to bite you both on the bum later on.

So his reaction to your very understandable anger and distress was to think about bailing out

Does not sound like the action of a remorseful husband...

No, he admits that now. We are talking. There is lots to talk about.

I have never mistrusted him in my life before. Never. I even joked about his 'harem' or young female TAs Feel a bit of a twat now.

I'd be very surprised if this hadn't become a physical affair if it started last year, bearing in mind it must have started before the rumours began. So be prepared for some drip-feeding here e.g. yes okay we kissed a few times, we only had sex once (i.e the 'restaurant' rumour referenced upthread) until the real truth comes out.

However to bring some perspective, this type of affair is not in the least bit unusual. 'Good guys' have affairs, especially those who are comfortable with women and also like to 'rescue' them from unhappy situations. If you've got a strong marriage, you can get past this together but only if the truth is laid bare and there are no nasty surprises to come later. Given that this affair seems to have been played out in the public gaze somewhat and people are talking about it, he really must tell you the truth warts and all.

I don't think there was anything going on before last year's rumours. The school seems to have a bit of a reputation for doing this -there was one a few weeks back about another 'couple' that weren't. They worked together - along with a few other people. That seems to be enough for the rumours to get going. I suspect the intense texting started more recently - when her marriage started getting difficult.

TBH I wouldn't be any more upset if they had had sex. What he thinks and feels is to be shared with me first and foremost. Not some woman he works with.

I'd find it difficult to believe that rumours would start about a relationship that was still months away from actually starting.

Try to rack your brains about his behaviour last year. Did he do anything unusual e.g go somewhere without you e.g. a social with his work colleagues and this woman -that you would normally have attended? Can you remember feeling that something was wrong, but couldn't identify it?

Very often in strong marriages where there is 100% trust, nothing tangible seems amiss. Work friendships are regarded as perfectly normal and healthy, especially if the partner knows the people. And yet.....there is just a feeling that all is not well. If you suffer from depression, you might have thought it was that, or just the usual worries connected with a busy life....and yet....

I understand what you mean about the sex being almost irrelevant, but I think the length of this relationship is very relevant and in any case, I think you need to know it all before making a decision about what happens next.

Have a good think about this stuff, in between your talks.

Great posts sternface.

The school sounds like a really poisonous environment for rebuilding your marriage Orm

You may find it helpful to do what I did is to get out your diary and plot all the significant events in order to pinpoint when you think the affair began.

It is very common for cheaters to minimise what happened and when - the problem is that you then do not know what you both are really dealing with.

I would tell him that if you both are to succeed in rebuilding the marriage then 100& honesty and openness is essential and that any discoveries you make further down the line will massively set back recovery and create distrust.

Has anyone else had the thought that mayb it was th OW spreadin the rumours. Mayb she needed a reason to get out of her marriage.

My ex had an affair n he never mentioned this woman wen we wer together even tho she was his boss.

Ur hub may hav jus gotten in a little deep regardin the emotions of her marriage breakup. But that doesnt mean he slept with her.

Oh, Orm, I'm so sorry you're having such a shit time :(

Can't say anything really except you always seem so nice, and you can (and will) get through it with or without him. You are capable and deserve the best.

Unless her "marriage difficulties" stem from her relationship (whatever its nature) with your dh?

I just rang my friend. She is a trained counsellor btw hence being so bloody good at this. Apparently he blames himself for all of this entirely. He talked a lot about his dad and how it has affected him. He told her that he loves me very much and that I have done nothing to cause this. However she reckons that although he hasn't slept with 'ow' he has feelings for her. And I need to know how strong the feelings are and whether he understands exactly how much it all has to STOP!

So I texted him and invited him to walk dog with me this evening - to talk away from the children. And I am going to ask about ow and get some answers. Because it is still eating away inside me. On Sunday when he was drunk he accused me of not wanting him to have any 'friends' which is crap because he has more friends than anyone else I know and this is the only one I have issues with. She is more than a friend and I think that as his wife I have the right to ask him not to have anything other than a professional relationship with her. And on any social events where she will be present he either won't go or I'll go with him. I hate to do this - it feels so proprietorial and old-fashioned. I have never been jealous - always totally trusting of him - but I don't feel I can be like that now

I too am beginning to wonder if this relationship (sexual or not) has been going on longer than I suspected.

stern - you are so right "Very often in strong marriages where there is 100% trust, nothing tangible seems amiss. Work friendships are regarded as perfectly normal and healthy, especially if the partner knows the people. And yet.....there is just a feeling that all is not well. If you suffer from depression, you might have thought it was that, or just the usual worries connected with a busy life....and yet...." Spot on.

Thanks for all your support.

clam - she didn't get married until last year. But he is a complete bastard and he was already showing his true colours so the marriage was never going to work. He took her on with a child so I reckon she saw him as a knight in shining armour too. Bad decision made for bad reasons - but not wishing to be unsympathetic, tough! Her decisions, her life. Not mine and not my husbands. What a bitch eh? I'm trying to harden myself up a bit....

You are feeling like this, because he has been having an affair. The rumors were true.

Like I said in my last post. I know this stuff does happen, but for actual friends to be gossiping, that was the alarm bell. Plus your husband didn't act as he should of done did he? It's screamed guilty.

I think you have got a lot more finding out to come :(

Yes. I know

I am so so glad I looked at his phone. If not I think it would have just got worse and worse. Thanks MN...

I am getting crosser too. I need to not get angry when talking to him or I'll blow it and he'll get all defensive.

So when did the rumours start Orm? Before or after her wedding? When was that and did you both go to it?

holdme - there is a new HT. She sounds a lot more together and capable than the previous one. To be fair the old HT had cancer so was struggling a bit even though officially able to work. I am hoping that she might be able to address the nastiness and rumour-mongering.

elephants - thankyou for that