Rumours at DH's work

[Ormiriathomimus]

He is one of the few men working in this school. Last year rumour started that he was having an affair with one of his assistants. Nasty particularly because her H is an abusive twat and if he got to hear these rumours the consequences could be pretty bad. Rumour was quashed by HT would sent strongly worded memo about spreading malicious rumours.

Anyway it has started again. Assistant in question is in the process of trying to end her marriage and is in a very difficult position.

But right now, I am more concerned about me. Selfish I know but I am recovering from depression and still a bit unstable. I know he isn't unfaithful. I know they are just stupid rumours. But it hurts to think that so many people (some of whom I know socially) might beleive these rumours and in fact be spreading them. It makes me feel undesirable and ugly, middle-aged and stupid, a sap who is being take for a ride.

I can't tell you how upset it has made me feel. It had made me angry with DH for being the sort of man he is - the sort of person who gets close to other and shows that he cares about them, and lays himself open to rumours.

Can anyone understand me?

It's never a dumb thing to trust someone, especially someone who's never done a thing before to break that trust - and this sounds like a long relationship.

The problem is he trusted himself too much I suspect. Thought that as he wasn't 'that kind of man' and he loved you to bits, that this friendship wasn't at all risky. So whereas someone with a bit more pragmatism would have backed away as soon as it turned into out-of-work texting, your H probably saw no real danger. You might think that by the time the rumours started last year it would have been enough of a warning, but I have a hunch that by that time he was in too deep and didn't want to back away.

I so hope he respects you enough to give you the whole truth tonight Orm.

So sorry.
So many parallels here.Trusted DH totally.Very relaxed about female friends.Teased him about 'harem' of admirers at work.Never looked at phone.
Was exhausted and run down by what I now know valid medical reason.But happy he seemed to be enjoying banter and social life.
Had just turned 5O.He was doing a lot of reflecting in missed opportunities (work) DH a sociable guy who like to help(genuinely) and very easy in women's company.OW talking about how lack of communication from her DH and his excessive work comittments.
Found out about lots of 'meetings' at lunchtime not necessary for either of them.Her DH found lots of texts,including explicit ones.
Made me feel stupid,old ,washed -up and disillusioned.
But I wasn't and neither are you.He's the monumentally stupid one.
think Sternface is spot on in her last post re not seeing danger and then not backing away.My DH didn't want to hurt her feelings.So he trashed mine and almost our marriage.
It will take much more than a dog walk to sort this out.Took AGES for me to recover and tbh I'm a different person now.So is DH but then he needed to take a good long look at himself.Ss does yours.
I only hope he will be honest and do all he can to make amends.If that's possible.

The dog walk is just to get him to tell me the truth about ow. If he can at least be truthful about that we can make a start. If he doesn't there doesn't seem to be any hope. I was on a high last night - going downhill again now.

Fwiw also I did speak to OW later on once felt I'd got truth out of DH.He did try to minimise in immediate aftermath but not for long because he knew I just didn't buy it.Insist on nothing but the truth no matter how I hurts.
Now not sure talking to her such a good idea as she came out with such self-justifying crap.But at the time it would have made me ill not to tell her what I thought.And having subsequently been told how massively she flirted with him for months previously I reckoned she had it coming.Also for various reasons I knew I was likely to run into her from time to time,and we have some shared acquaintances.For that reason I felt I kept my dignity rather than lost it.
Do what you feel is best for you.
But it's your DH who has got to be your focus today.All the best for the pm x

I don't want to talk to her. I just want to text her some rude words But I won't. My watchword will be dignity and restraint (and inward seething).... But tonight is about DH and how honest he can finally be with me.

Sorry to read this Ormiriathomimus :(

I too remember the hen night/wedding threads and thought at the time your DH was way too kind to himself at your expense.

I'm interested to know how you found out about the rumours in the first place? Not the sort of thing the wife would be first to know about. Does gossip like that often happen in schools? I have not come across it as a mother, though I do get lots of school goss from a relative who works at my son's school, it's never of that nature. Seems unusual that happened once and even more odd that started up again? I'm with the idea of expecting H to do more to sort this out because at the moment he seems more keen to tell you the latest thing someone said which is odd of him seeing as he knows it's upsetting for you.

Oh lordy. I think some revelations are coming my way. Texted DH to say 'I love you but I have some things to ask you and I'm scared'. He replied to say that i don't need to be as he's with my because he chooses to be (which wasn't quite the point ), Friend then called me to say he had rang her to ask how honest he should be with me. She said 100%. He'd better be. I'm more scared of being lied to than knowing he's been dipping his wick. Is that crazy?

He told me, opentooffers.

If he told you about the rumours, it must be because someone is threatening to tell you the truth so he is trying to get in there first with his own version of events.

It does not bode well that he had to ask how honest he should be
Stay strong and calm if you can x

I think he doesn't want to upset me any more to be fair. He was shocked at what a state I was in yesterday. But there is no choice now I may well fucking chuck him in the canal! But probably not. I am amazingly calm now.

"He replied to say that i don't need to be as he's with my because he chooses to be"

He really loves himself, doesn't he?

LOL! It seems so. If I didn't know him I'd think he was a complete dick. But there is more to him than that. Honest...

Oh God. I'm feeling sick with nerves on your behalf now too!

Good luck. Stay strong.

If he tells me he's been unfaithful please may I be unsisterly enough to call her names in my head? Please?

Damm right you may. No matter how shit your own marriage is, it is not ok to go and fuck up someone else's just to soothe your battered self esteem.

God I am so cross on your behalf, and I completely get you when you say you are more scared of being lied to than anything else.

Christ alive, you can create a mental voodoo doll of the OW if you want...

"He replied to say that i don't need to be as he's with my because he chooses to be"

Now that is a fucking horrible, belittling, conceited arsehole of a thing to say.

Really thinking of you Orm (I think we were in a low carbing thread together before I got fat again ). Hope you're okay. And I hope he appreciates how he's hurt you.

Been following this, Orm. I'm also feeling nervous for you. I would be very very surprised if he told you the whole truth tonight. I think he will tell you as much as he dares, as much as he thinks necessary. I would be AMAZED if this hasn't been a full blown affair - I'm not trying to be hurtful but am saying this as I think you have to steel yourself, be prepared and be prepared to tell him you know he's not telling you everything.

GOOD LUCK X

Orm,

I have always enjoyed your posts and you seem like a lovely person.

I do remember thinking more than once that your DH is a bit self-serving to the detriment of you and your DC.

I'm so sorry to say this...
I bet ma ass there is a fair bit more to this than you've been told and your DH is covering himself first and formost.

I really don't envy you right now (and my lot is far from good ATM).

Whatever comes your way you will be fine.
You are strong, intelligent and witty.
He is lucky to have you not the other way round

Orm - you are handling this very well and I am really impressed at your dignity and restraint [I would not be so good am sure]

Hope you get all the answers you need and he realises what an utter twit he has been.

Yes totally agree with Cluffy - he is lucky to have you and he will be the lucky one if you choose to be with him.

God if he starts with that 'choosing to be with you' crap tonight - well lets hope you're not near the canal.

Yes, you do sound lovely OP. Good luck this evening.

I feel a bit sick for you Orm, even though I've never met you

I also feel very angry with him. Any revelations he now makes have had to be forced out of him. And the way he says he "chooses" to be with you...

Many women, at this point, would be shoving that "choice" of his right up his arse.

The choices are yours now Orm, not his. He made his choices at least a year ago

Oh God Orm. I am sorry you are going through this. As others have said you always seem to be a nice, kind, warm and caring person. This is shitty.

Can I suggest that texting him to say you love him but have things to ask him etc may not have been a good move? He is on warning now. He knows what you want to ask him. His call to your friend about how honest to be is proof of that.

I think this will take a lot of sorting. A lot of talking and being honest. Is Relate or something similar an option? Your counsellor friend is too close to you both.

FWIW a good friend discovered her DH was having an affair with a work colleague (friend worked there too to add to the shit). It took a lot of tears, talking, arguing, grovelling (him), a cut lip (also him!) and some counselling but they got through it. And he is still working with the OW. He is very aware of what he almost lost. He is very aware that it hasn't gone away and will still always be there. But they are still together. He was honest in the end. And it took a long time. And as I kept telling him, even when he thinks they are over it, it comes back again and he just has to understand that.

Hope all goes ok tonight.