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Original poster

The thread in which we all pray Johnny depp has signed up to POF - DATING THREAD 17!

999 replies

watchoutforthatsnail · 22/06/2012 10:05

Here we go again....

OP posts:
ChaoticismyLife · 05/07/2012 11:52

Morning :)

sponge that's crap wrt your lunchtime date, I'd say a 3 strikes and you're out and he's had those 3 strikes.

watch those links sound interesting wrt to the feminism. I've not read 50 shades but would like to see the feminist 'take' on it. Is there any chance you could send me those links, either through fb or I'll pm you my email if you can. If you can't it doesn't matter. Wrt your mum I agree with both Snape and Time. If she persists in bringing up the subject of MrL then just use the broken record technique.

Original poster
watchoutforthatsnail · 05/07/2012 11:59

course, ill do it via fb :)
There is a ton of stuff out there, ( and on MN if you search) my personnal view is the same as caitlin moran in that, no matter how badly its written, its still porn for women, written by women, and people are reading and talking about it, and discussing sexuality and all kinds of stuff, its got people talking and thats all good. and if its a gateway for more ( and better) porn for women, then fab.

sponge - fingers crossed for later.. a text on the day just to confirm things is always nice :)

OP posts:
hatesponge · 05/07/2012 12:16

He is still ill. I think he may end up cancelling.

This is precisely why it's not worth getting that excited about, or looking forward to, anything.

PostBellumBugsy · 05/07/2012 12:23

The 50 shades thing is interesting. I like erotic literature and have read plenty - I've even written some short stories of my own too!

What bugs me about 50 shades is that it is being touted as "Mummy Porn". Firstly, it is not porn & secondly what is this "mummy" thing? Is there such a thing as "daddy" porn? Do we refer to porn mags as "daddy" mags? No, I don't think so. Why is erotic fiction written by a woman suddenly "mummy porn".

I haven't read it yet, as I'm a bit anti all the hype & I've heard it isn't written well, which will but the hell out of me, but I've no doubt I will. Watch, have you read it? Did you like it?

TimeForMeAndDD · 05/07/2012 12:29

I've not read it either Post for the same reasons you give. I do like a bit of Nancy Friday though I have all her books Grin

ChaoticismyLife · 05/07/2012 12:39

I was going to read 50 shades but got put off by some of the threads about it on here. I've also heard about it on another website and they weren't very complimentary about it either which put me off even more.

Agree with you Post about mummy porn, very insulting, patronising even.

I'm torn about porn tbh. There's many things I don't like about it, the attitude towards women for a start, but then again there's porn made by women for women which I know very little about. The one thing I do know is that I'll always be against lap dancing clubs, the idea that women are there to be hired out by however long it takes to have a dance.

ChaoticismyLife · 05/07/2012 12:40

Oops, meant to say thanks watch re the links.

sponge I'm keeping my fingers crossed but if he is ill then it's probably best to rearrange it for another time.

Original poster
watchoutforthatsnail · 05/07/2012 12:53

sponge - nooo. what did he say?

post - agree about ' mummy porn' i frankly find it insulting. To all women. I have read it, it is dire, it truely is, and if you are looking for erotic ficton, there there are 1001 better books out there. HOWEVER, this has hit a mass market, people who werent reading filth are exitied by it, heck, people who werent even reading before are reading it ( the harry potter effect) and if women are feeling sexually excited/ curious/ open/confident/ etc... etc... then i think thats just great. womens ( well, and mens) sexuality is hugely of interest to men, i just find it all so so so interesting and i cant help but be pleased, inspite of how bad that it is, that so many women are reading it and being excited about it, i just dont see how that can be a bad thing.

ive read it, it was pants. i have better books :)
heck, my mind is better than that :)

I will never agree with strip clubs or anything where the woman is put ina vunerable position etc.... thats obviously not even up for debate at all. But women feeling confident and in charge of their own sexuality is something to be really embraced i think.

OP posts:
ChaoticismyLife · 05/07/2012 13:17

But women feeling confident and in charge of their own sexuality is something to be really embraced i think.

Totally agree with this. We really do need to get away from the mindset that still seems to prevail that women should just lie down and think of England or wherever and accept that women are sexual creatures. Obviously we're not one collective so it will vary from woman to woman but many of us enjoy sex and (a certain amount of) experimentation.

My problem with porn is the attitude towards women that 'mainstream' porn (made by men for men) seems to encourage.

Original poster
watchoutforthatsnail · 05/07/2012 13:25

yes, its amazing to me, but that does still seem to be the prevailing attitude, possibly not as bad as it once was, but its still not gone, else 50 shades wouldnt have hit the news and spread as much as it has, partly this is down to the ' shock, women are reading slighly naughty books' thing.

yes, agree on the whole about mainstream porn, but then its not made for women, its made for men, a fantasy. so its not really going to appeal to a women ( or is less likely to, because some women do like porn)

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Fuckitthatlldo · 05/07/2012 13:25

Watch I personally feel that your mother is being a little controlling too. But perhaps that is coming from a place of fear ie she is worried about losing some of the closeness that you obviously enjoy with her...

Sponge I think that three cancellations in a row would be the deal-breaker for me. Your time is important too.

Sooo, I had my second date with the handsome architect. We went out for a meal and then to a pub. It was going really well, we were getting on great, starting to be a little more flirtatious although nothing obvious. I had planned to get a train back from London to Reading where my folks live but he said, "Look, it's late. You're welcome to stay at mine. I'll make up a bed for you" and against my better judgement I said ok.

We went back to his flat and he did indeed make up a bed for me and didn't so much as lay a finger on me. I wasn't terribly sure what to make of it. We snuggled up on the sofa, watched a film and he went to bed. After a bit I went to the bathroom which was downstairs in an open plan layout with his bedroom. I then asked if it was ok if I slept beside him (I didn't want to sleep alone with him downstairs). He said of course and some cuddling led to some touching (he massaged my head and my back, I felt like I'd been to a spa the next day Grin) which led to the inevitable.

It was lovely although there was an air of us both knowing it was too soon.

We have since exchanged e-mails with me basically saying, "Look it was just one of those things, we got carried away in the moment, I don't now expect any more or less from you than I would have if the night had ended differently, let's just still see how it goes."

He has e-mailed to say, "I had a really lovely evening yesterday. If I'm totally honest things did move far more quickly than I would have expected ? and I need a little time to fully understand how I feel about that. I don't however blame you in any way for what happened (obviously) as it was as much my idea as yours."

And for some reason I feel really really Sad. We were getting on well, things were progressing slowly but interestingly, and I feel I've mucked things up. I'm not going to contact him now - he's asked for space and he can have it - but I'm gutted. I thought there was a possibility this one may go somewhere.

ChaoticismyLife · 05/07/2012 13:33

Fuckit give it time, it may still go somewhere yet. I know the asking for space thing is often a get out clause but from what you've said it may be that he needs some time to digest what's happened and decide what he wants.

Original poster
watchoutforthatsnail · 05/07/2012 13:40

fuckit - i dont think anyones mucked anythng up by sleeping with someone to early :) if he likes you, he likes you :)
maybe he just needs a bit of time to work out what it is hes thinking?

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hatesponge · 05/07/2012 13:41

He has to go & see a family member this afternoon which (without going into detail) will be a difficult visit even if he was feeling ok - he said he'll be in touch once he leaves and let me know how he is then.

I find this stuff really hard though, but maybe it's just me and the way my mind works?

Basically on the one hand I think I'm clever, gorgeous, good company. Of course he would want to see me again and if he's cancelling he must really be feeling crappy, and I cant hold that against him.

On the other hand I think but what if he's met someone else he likes more - or has just decided he's not that interested in me - and either way this is just a tactic to put me off gently and I'm totally failing to take the hint?

comes back to my paranoia about looking stupid & having people men laughing at me Confused

A psychologist would have a field day with me...

izzyizin · 05/07/2012 13:45

A pyschologist could have a field day with anyone, honey. It's what they do Smile

Original poster
watchoutforthatsnail · 05/07/2012 14:01

sponge - the unfortunate thing is you cant second guess what people are thinking, and until you get to know them, and even then you dont really know.
So - you just have to take what he says, and then work out how you feel about it.
If its ok with you, then accept it, and see what he does later... and then deal with it then.
OR
decide hes messing you about, and what with the lack of texts you dont feel its worth you while, and/ or not what you want... and then deal with that.

OP posts:
ChaoticismyLife · 05/07/2012 14:32

*Basically on the one hand I think I'm clever, gorgeous, good company. Of course he would want to see me again and if he's cancelling he must really be feeling crappy, and I cant hold that against him.

On the other hand I think but what if he's met someone else he likes more - or has just decided he's not that interested in me - and either way this is just a tactic to put me off gently and I'm totally failing to take the hint?*

Believe me, I know how you feel. I go through exactly the same process when I'm dating. I tell myself the first bit but the doubts still creep in there. watch is right though you can't second guess people and if you try you'll drive yourself mad.

ChaoticismyLife · 05/07/2012 14:32

Well that bolding worked well Hmm

Fuckitthatlldo · 05/07/2012 14:38

It's difficult Sponge. Because we can't read minds, we don't know what other people are thinking, and so we have to take stuff at face value to an extent. On the other hand we know from our own selves that people often aren't honest with each other when it comes to the arena of relationships. But if you feel instinctively that he's being honest then he probably is - go with that.

Thanks Watch and Chaotic. I tend to be of the opinion that if there's a real connection between you, it's irrelevant how soon you have sex. Like you say, if you like each other, you like each other. I wouldn't want to be with a man who judged me for having sex on the second date anyway - as far as I'm concerned he could jog on back to prehistoric times.

It's just that I had thought that connection was there - and now he's gone all distant Sad. But I didn't want to be on my own upstairs, while he was there, all gorgeous, downstairs. I mean what a waste! If I like someone and fancy someone, I tend to want that physical contact.

hatesponge · 05/07/2012 14:39

I dont mind if he cancels because he's ill ( well I do, but I understand).

I mind far more about making a fool of myself.

Nothing for it but to wait and see I guess. He did text me first though yesterday

Lueji · 05/07/2012 14:46

Fuckit

I read it as him saying that he can't say yet what it means to him, as in that he is not sure yet if he wants to have a full relationship or not.
Not necessarily "space" as in not seeing each other.

hatesponge · 05/07/2012 14:49

fuckit I think he's being honest, but really who knows?

re your situation, agree entirely that a man who judges based on what happens isn't worth having. I'm not sure that he is doing that though - his behaviour reminds me a little of an Ex of mine with whom (after we got to the same stage - again perhaps quicker than either of us intended) seemed disappointed; turned out he'd sort of had in mind how he hoped things would progress, and when he planned to make his move etc, and it all happening much quicker than that really threw him. I think taking what your guy says at face value he just needs a bit of time to take stock. If he's worth knowing, he'll be back in touch I'm sure of it. And if he's not, if actually he is being judgy about what happened, you are v much better off without him.

(why is it so much easier to advise others rather than yourself?!)

Fuckitthatlldo · 05/07/2012 15:21

Thanks everyone Smile

I instinctively feel that he is a decent guy who feels a bit thrown by how quickly things have progressed. My plan is to back off entirely and just wait to see what his next move will be. In the meantime I've plenty to keep me busy. Got an interview for a new job next week and need to be focusing on that really.

Thank god for this thread. Don't know how I'd cope with my dating dilemmas without it!

mercury7 · 05/07/2012 15:54

if someone invited me to stay the night i'd assume he meant for sex..pretty sure my nose would be seriously put out of joint if he then went all prudish about it.
Sounds like he could be a bit confusing to deal with fuckit?

hatesponge · 05/07/2012 16:27

I've not heard anything more re tonight.

I suspect on this occasion, no news is almost certainly not good news :(