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Original poster

Dating a cocaine user - experience/advice sought

312 replies

Shirsten · 15/06/2012 17:36

Hi everyone
New ish here (have name changed).

I have been dating a guy for a few months and I really like him. However, he does a lot of cocaine - I think about two or three times a month at least. He's been doing for at least 15 years and recently he did it at his mum's birthday party and at a family wedding as well as doing it with his mates at the pub.

I know that 1. it's illegal, and 2. there are major human & environmental impacts from the growing & supply of cocaine, 3. it can be dangerous, especially if taken with alcohol which he does regularly. I've only ever tried it once but I prefer to get my highs from real life rather than depending on drugs for it.

I am fairly tolerant to drug use (I wish I wasn't but I am though I do find his attitudes about fairtrade a bit hypocritical given his cocaine use), and I haven't asked him not to indulge. I was, however, a bit shocked at the family occasions at which he snorted coke. I think it bothers him that I don't do it because it's a big part of his social life more than it bothers me that he does it. He's also reluctant to make plans because I think part of him wants to make sure he has drug taking opportunities at the weekends.

Twice he's cancelled plans we had because of what I think is 'Miami flu' - i.e. the flu like symptoms associated with a cocaine comedown.

Other than that, I have seen no mood swings, just a bit of restlessness after we've spent the weekend together.

Can anyone whose been in a relationship with a cocaine user or who has done cocaine on a regular basis give me their experiences? I've been doing a bit of reading about it and I don't know whether it's going to cause a problem soon. If so, I'd rather finish it now than get more attached to him than I already am.

There are no children involved and we are in our mid 30s. I really like him but do not want to come second to a drug.

Thanks!

OP posts:
OldGreyWiffleTest · 15/06/2012 17:37

You really need to ask........really?

madonnawhore · 15/06/2012 17:39

Don't bother with him. People on coke are soooooo boring. I say this as someone whose friends used to take a lot of coke. Some still do, but only once in a blue moon.

Also it's not a good sign if he's twitchy after a clean weekend with you and is cancelling plans because of comedowns. That goes beyond 'recreational' use IMO.

Original poster
Shirsten · 15/06/2012 17:40

Yes....because I really like him. We have a great time together, he's good looking, very together, good job, has properties, nice family You would have no idea if you met him that he did it. I wish I wasn't so tolerant of him using but I am.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shirsten · 15/06/2012 17:41

Cross posted - thanks MadonnaWhore (great name, btw!). In what way are they boring? I'm quite naive about coke users. I do wonder how often he's been on coke when he's with me. We get on very well but that could be the coke...!

OP posts:
McKayz · 15/06/2012 17:42

To me it would be easy. No way in hell would I date a drug taker.

PurplePidjin · 15/06/2012 17:42

The coke will always be more important to him than you are.

2-3 times a month is bullshit, 2-3 times a day is more likely.

ThisAintKansas · 15/06/2012 17:43

Get rid of him. 2-3 times a month is an addiction (and I bet he does it more than that, anyway). Do you want to go out with an addict?

In my experience, coke addicts are flaky, self obsessed and incapable of really enjoying themselves unless they are on it. You'll know when he is on it. he'll talk about himself a lot....

winnybella · 15/06/2012 17:44

Hmm, he probably does it more often than 2-3 times a month.
Cocaine is a drug that can make you paranoid, suffer panic attacks, depression...and this can happen suddenly ie after a non problematic year of use or so, and can affect you every day-not just when you're coming down. I won't mention other health issues like heart attacks, hepatits from sharing the straw/banknote etc etc
There is every chance that at least one of the above will happen to him in he next few months/years.

Run like a wind.Certainly do not have kids with him.

PlentyOfPubeGardens · 15/06/2012 17:46

Finish it now. He already has a habit if he's organising his social life around it. It's an incredibly destructive drug that turns people into arseholes. You will always come second.

hidingbeneathanamechange · 15/06/2012 17:46

Just don't go there. Please. Don't get involved with it yourself either. It's a horrible horrible drug that really messes people up.

DowagersHump · 15/06/2012 17:46

If he's doing lines at family occasions, he does it a lot more than 2-3 times a month.

You said "I really like him but do not want to come second to a drug" but that is exactly what's going to happen, sorry.

Mid 30s, you need to be with a potential life partner if you want to have children and this man isn't. Ditch him.

ImperialBlether · 15/06/2012 17:46

You've already said he makes sure he keeps his weekends clear for coke. Why do you then think it's 2-3 times a month?

Seriously, you are being incredibly naive.

I'm sure he's good fun now, but what sort of future do you see? Do you want a family? Do you want to come first in his life?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/06/2012 17:49

Taking the coke out of the equation he's unreliable, cancels on you and is 'restless' (do you mean 'twitchy'?). I don't see how that makes him 'very together'. I don't have experience of a coke-head but I spent a long portion of my life with a alcohol abuser and I can tell you that anyone who is even half-way reliant on a substance to give their life a buzz is a mammoth let down in the end. It will always come before you. They do not 'do' normality and resent anyone that tries to impose it. If this relationship is just a bit of fun and short-term, you might be OK. But if you're thinking long-term, moving in together, children etc., I would save myself the bother.

maristella · 15/06/2012 17:49

Weekend cocaine users can be addicts too, and often are.

Get ready for the head games, the paranoia and the attempts to catch you out. I'm so glad not to be in your shoes any more. Cocaine gets into relationships and wrecks them. Cocaine psychosis is no fun

AnyFucker · 15/06/2012 17:50

yuk

he seems charming and good looking now

imagine a drug-addled 60yo, crumbling around the edges with half his nostrils missing, and a cocaine-reliant fucking foul temper

he reserves his time to allow for drug-using opportunities ? That 2-3 times a month you naively quote is a massive underestimation

it seems you are happy to fool yourself even at this very early stage in your relationship

how much more self-delusion would you have to employ to stay in a long term relationship with a drug addict ?

you are being very stupid to try and talk yourself into this

start talking yourself out of it, and fast

Original poster
Shirsten · 15/06/2012 17:50

I do think I need my eyes opening. When he's with me, we have a great time. He's the first guy I've met in 3 years that I've liked after what was a very horrible relationship. We clicked when we met and get on so well. He is interested in me and has got me to open up to him and it takes a lot for me to do that.

He has told me that he doesn't do that much coke and my 2-3 times a month is a guess. But I have heard that drug users will always play down how much they take because they're in denial to themselves and to others.

OP posts:
Teeb · 15/06/2012 17:52

After 15 years, and the way you describe how he is after being with you all weekend, he is likely to be drug dependent. That means no matter what he tells you about being able to stop when he wants to, he won't be able to. So in that way, he is a drug addict. Do you want to go through the rehab/cold turkey process with him? Do you want to go through the relapses? In your future, do you want there to be bags of cocaine around the house were a young baby could get their hands on it? Do you want him to be arrested for drug possession? To explain that to your family and his, that he now has a criminal record?

I've experienced the cycle of drug use and then cold turkey, and it wasn't a pleasant experience for either of us. It's a situation that can so easily escalate into emotion and physical abuse.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/06/2012 17:53

'Not that much' to him will be very different to you. What you're clicking with is a fake version of him. Why not find someone who is genuinely interested in you?

AnyFucker · 15/06/2012 17:54

people who do coke at their mother's party, do coke more than 2-3 times a month

he cannot do this "great guy" act without it, don't you see ?

the good times will start to pall when you realise he's only "good company" when he's coked, and when he can't get any you will bear the brunt of it

Original poster
Shirsten · 15/06/2012 17:54

Thanks everyone. I do feel I need educating on this. I've read about the effects and how it can cause mood swings, paranoia, aggression etc. I've seen none of that yet though - he seems very easy going to me and physically he is showing no signs of its use. It might be easier if I had seen more of the effects. He seems a very high functioning user.

He would class it as recreational use but I'm not sure if it's a habit/addiction.

It bothers me that he feels the need to use a drug to get high. It just feels a bit fake!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 15/06/2012 17:57

from what you say, I will make a guess he's very good in the sack

coke-fuelled of course

in a few years, he will need to do more and more and those fantastic erections and ability to keep going will start to wane

come on love, tell your hormones to STFU and put your sensible head on

this bloke is a good time guy, he won't be there for you when you need him

ThisAintKansas · 15/06/2012 17:57

It isnt 'recreational' if he is banging out lines at his old dear's party, though, is it? Come on. You aren't that naive...

madonnawhore · 15/06/2012 17:58

15 years is a hell of a long time to have been using coke. Everyone I know who dabbled had a couple of years of quite regular use, then they all grew out of it.

By 'boring' I mean just that, really. Arrogant, self absorbed, intense, bit paranoid, all social activities have to be centred around an opportunity to take drugs. God that was the worst. Never being able to do fucking anything without drugs coming into the equation at some point.

And they way you describe it, it does sound like he has a habit that he's probably only just about got a handle on.

As a long term prospect it doesn't look good.

AnyFucker · 15/06/2012 17:59

substitute "recreational" for "necessary" and you are getting there

madonnawhore · 15/06/2012 18:01

Functioning addict is th phrase I was looking for.

Also, don't you think a man in his thirties doing coke at his own mother's party's a bit sad?

Sounds a bit pathetic to me.

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