Dating a cocaine user - experience/advice sought

[Shirsten]

Hi everyone
New ish here (have name changed).

I have been dating a guy for a few months and I really like him. However, he does a lot of cocaine - I think about two or three times a month at least. He's been doing for at least 15 years and recently he did it at his mum's birthday party and at a family wedding as well as doing it with his mates at the pub.

I know that 1. it's illegal, and 2. there are major human & environmental impacts from the growing & supply of cocaine, 3. it can be dangerous, especially if taken with alcohol which he does regularly. I've only ever tried it once but I prefer to get my highs from real life rather than depending on drugs for it.

I am fairly tolerant to drug use (I wish I wasn't but I am though I do find his attitudes about fairtrade a bit hypocritical given his cocaine use), and I haven't asked him not to indulge. I was, however, a bit shocked at the family occasions at which he snorted coke. I think it bothers him that I don't do it because it's a big part of his social life more than it bothers me that he does it. He's also reluctant to make plans because I think part of him wants to make sure he has drug taking opportunities at the weekends.

Twice he's cancelled plans we had because of what I think is 'Miami flu' - i.e. the flu like symptoms associated with a cocaine comedown.

Other than that, I have seen no mood swings, just a bit of restlessness after we've spent the weekend together.

Can anyone whose been in a relationship with a cocaine user or who has done cocaine on a regular basis give me their experiences? I've been doing a bit of reading about it and I don't know whether it's going to cause a problem soon. If so, I'd rather finish it now than get more attached to him than I already am.

There are no children involved and we are in our mid 30s. I really like him but do not want to come second to a drug.

Thanks!

I'm so not out there but seriously is the man pool so empty that a junky looks a good bet? Or even worth bothering about?

I'm curious whether all the "BURN THE JUNKIE" types would say the same thing about a man who drank 6 pints in a night 2 - 3 times a month would have the same hysterical reaction & insist he should be dumped?
As someone wise up top has said, there's doing coke & there's doing coke. If he's doing a few lines 2 - 3 times a month, leaping to the addiction label is like americans who think someone having a glass of wine at lunchtime is a hopeless alcoholic.

I know plenty of people who have used coke recreationally over many years, and who miraculously quit and take up cycling and carbon fibre bikes when they grow up a bit.

the really concerning part of this however is the coke at a family party thing - that is a social crutch not a recreational past time. Why? what's lurking there? That part really isn't normal by any "recreational druggie" standards.

If he's otherwise so great, talk to him. I'll wager that quite a few of the screeching judgments on this thread come from people whose husbands have thrown in a few social engagements this year because their hangover was so bad.

If he's otherwise so great, talk to him. I'll wager that quite a few of the screeching judgments on this thread come from people whose husbands have thrown in a few social engagements this year because their hangover was so bad

Two wrongs don't make a right though Bobbi do they. These men also need to take check of themselves.

And the man has a habit

bobbie don't agree with you on that one bit, loads of people who have posted on this thread have done so due to personal experience of cocaine users.

I'm not sure I could be bothered with someone whose hangovers got in the way of a social engagements.

I agree with what a lot of people have said regarding taking coke at his mum's party and at the family wedding crossing a line.

Personally, I have never been in to drugs but I have been around those who have tried or regularly used all sorts of things. I can see how on big nights out in the city, buzzing on coke would be a recreational thing..but absolutely not at a family occasion, that's out of place and out of order.

I had a friend who was dating a guy in the City. She really liked him but he smoked too much hash and did too much coke and she was not into that so it couldn't last.

I hope you are able to make the sensible decision to walk away before you get in to deep as it does sound like he's letting you down already, at this early stage, and that's unlikely to change or get better down the line.

Can't he just find another junkie and they could get together and have junkie fun?

bobbi what shite

utter shite

6 pints is fuck all like coke -

Every coke head I have known has only been a "recreational" user and has it under control.

Even the one who bragged to the world that their recreational use had amassed to £13 000 that year.

Ya sure you're in control mate.

Do you love him enough to let him hoover up all your cash? And do you still love him when he gurns like an ape, is loud, obnoxious and repeatitave? And what about when the day comes that the hard-on is no longer a side effect and it's your fault he can't get it up because it's up in his head?

God no Girl. Coke heads are too much trouble. Why are you even with this man?

OP, say for instance you got really serious with him, would you have a child with him?

Just went up thread, was away for a while and this is a fast moving thread and have seen this question already asked but I'd still like to reiterate this one very very resoundly OP.

take a step back now OP and watch him, just do that at the moment ay.

UnChartered you sound very naive about alcohol and its effects.

yup, that's me, naive

especially with the main thing about coke being illegal and all that malarkey...

Why are you goading people bobbi?

My ex was a coke head. The most frustrating part for me was that as I didn't do any while I was with him, his mates would get the 'happy coked up' him on a night out, while I'd get the 'depressed on a come-down' him the next day.

He deliberately hasn't shown you that side yet, has he? By cancelling your plans when he's on a come down, you haven't yet seen the flip side.

I do think it's possible to hold down a good job and be a coke head, In fact, I think it's necessary. My ex earned £150k a year and spent about £500 a week on coke. He wouldn't have called himself an addict either, coke heads rarely do. The sex might be good on coke, but it's useless once it starts working out of their system and their cock resembles a shrivelled mushroom. Sex with someone you really love and connect with is far better than the crazy exciting sex you get with a coke head anyway.

My ex turned into the most cruel and nasty person. Even now, nearly 4 years later, when I'm engaged to someone lovely, I can cry over the things he did to me. It's possible he would have been like that without the coke, it's also possible the coke contributed.

I'm pretty liberal about drug taking and may have dabbled a bit when I was younger. I would run a mile from getting involved with a coke user again though, especially if you want children.

As a fellow feminist - DON'T big this guy up too much because he "gets" the feminism.

Yes, I know how nice and refreshing it is to finally meet a man who engages with you as a person first, rather than a woman first. Trust me. I get that. I also know how exhausting it is to notice sexism, all the time, even in places/people who are otherwise perfectly nice. I know it's really really draining to realise that a lot of men (no matter how intelligent/nice/understanding) will never ever get it.

However, be careful. This one probably does see men and women as totally equal, because anyone he has a relationship with, friend, family or lover, okay gender doesn't play into it, but all of you will always come second to coke. (Or, himself - whichever way you look at it). People don't always have to be sexist to be a knob, or to be incapable of growing up.

You say that you've been in an EA relationship and you are worried you might still have some boundary issues, I think this would really be worth exploring. This guy might seem great, but you know the drugs issue is a red flag, and is it really worth getting into a relationship which has a chance of turning out in any way like your previous EA one? There will be other guys who you get on with great and who don't have any red flags at all. If you're finding this hard to believe or you're scared of the possibility of ending up alone then I would really strongly suggest that it's worth looking at some kind of counselling or therapy in order to help you overcome the patterns which you're potentially heading back into.

we're not talking legality and supply chain morality, we're talking about its effects and whether it's worth dumping someone for. I'm not goading, I think a lot of the responses here have been hysterical given the facts presented by OP which, apart from teh family party thing, do not seem to be evidential of rampant addiction worthy of an immediate red card.

Thanks everyone - I do appreciate the responses & the personal experiences.

MissFaversham - No, I wouldn't consider having a child with him while his lifestyle revolves around the pub and his mates and whatever it is he does with them.

I did think the use at the family wedding and at his mum's party was very inappropriate and I was shocked when he told me. There's a time and a place and I would say that family occasions aren't the time or the place. I think it's quite disrespectful and insulting.

If I met someone who seemed to be in a downward spiral, I'd walk away instantly. I didn't walk away from this guy because 1. I didn't know he took drugs until a few weeks in, and 2. he has been doing it for a while and it hasn't gone into a downward spiral.

But having plans cancelled because he is recovering from a night out with his mates is a bit cr@p and more than a little hurtful. If it was me, I'd make sure I didn't get into too much of a state so that I could see him - at least in the early stages. I have had terrible hangovers with guys before but have waited until at least 6 months in before letting them see me in that state! (btw: those instances were very far and few between!)

He's also told me that I wouldn't like his mates. I'm a pretty easy going person so this also rang some alarm bells for me.

I will have to broach the subject with him but I think I know how this is going to go.

watching a family member 'cope' with coke is indeed pretty much enough to bring anyone into a hysterical reaction - supported many of your family through addictions have you bobbi?

I know I'm intolerant and easily annoyed but I can't understand why, after a few months, one can have an issue with this. You're just dating a man who likes doing coke. He's unreliable and likes to make room for his drug taking at weekends. This isn't your friend from way back or your beloved brother. This is a man you've just met. Three months. Why are you bothering?

I agree that the fact he thinks you wouldn't like his mates is also a bad sign.

While your boyfriend or girlfriend mightn't necessarily get on like a house on fire with your mates, I think it's generally hugely preferable if they can, at the very least tolerate them and also get on well with at least one!

Well done OP. He's just beginning to show you what he's like now isn't he.

You KNOW you can do better. We all get a bit caught up and swayed at times.

alcoholism runs in mine. It's hideous. And on drugs, seen one best friend's husband die of a drug induced heart attack. I work in an industry where use is (was) commonplace and have had two colleagues die before they were 50 from heart attacks in their sleep. Lived next door to a friend who is a hopeless addict. From that, I am pretty clued up as to what is casual use and what is addiction, on both booze and drugs. I have seen FAR more physical and mental damage from heavy drinking and heavy weed smoking than I have seen in recreational class A users, who are now mainly sorted men with families and a new hobby by now.

Op , run sweetheart RUN .

You can do better x