Dating a cocaine user - experience/advice sought

[Shirsten]

Hi everyone
New ish here (have name changed).

I have been dating a guy for a few months and I really like him. However, he does a lot of cocaine - I think about two or three times a month at least. He's been doing for at least 15 years and recently he did it at his mum's birthday party and at a family wedding as well as doing it with his mates at the pub.

I know that 1. it's illegal, and 2. there are major human & environmental impacts from the growing & supply of cocaine, 3. it can be dangerous, especially if taken with alcohol which he does regularly. I've only ever tried it once but I prefer to get my highs from real life rather than depending on drugs for it.

I am fairly tolerant to drug use (I wish I wasn't but I am though I do find his attitudes about fairtrade a bit hypocritical given his cocaine use), and I haven't asked him not to indulge. I was, however, a bit shocked at the family occasions at which he snorted coke. I think it bothers him that I don't do it because it's a big part of his social life more than it bothers me that he does it. He's also reluctant to make plans because I think part of him wants to make sure he has drug taking opportunities at the weekends.

Twice he's cancelled plans we had because of what I think is 'Miami flu' - i.e. the flu like symptoms associated with a cocaine comedown.

Other than that, I have seen no mood swings, just a bit of restlessness after we've spent the weekend together.

Can anyone whose been in a relationship with a cocaine user or who has done cocaine on a regular basis give me their experiences? I've been doing a bit of reading about it and I don't know whether it's going to cause a problem soon. If so, I'd rather finish it now than get more attached to him than I already am.

There are no children involved and we are in our mid 30s. I really like him but do not want to come second to a drug.

Thanks!

The 'exciting types' thing was when we were first dating and no, it wasn't great to hear but it was after I'd made a joke about going to prison for drugs (I had to visit the local prison to look at their drugs service with my job). He wasn't casting aspersions on our sex life because we weren't at that stage yet (without going into too much detail).

I'm justifying his behaviour a lot here, aren't I!

I'm just confused as to how he can be so high functioning when everything I've read seems to point to regular users having problems. He doesn't seem to be showing any of them.

Why did you post op? I'm curious? As you wanted to know whether to finish it or not and stories of experiences and what could happen next.

But it's almost like no one has posted and you have no intention of reconsidering your relationship based on his drug use

of course he doesn't show them, coke turns you into a liar, a sneaky law-breaking liar

Well i used to do a lot of coke (2-3) times a month is not a lot.

Sometimes i would do it every day for weeks on end at times and other times not do it during the week more often than not at weekends.

When i met dh i was still doing it a lot and i enjoyed doing it, i had a great job, my own place, lots of spare cash and it was just what my friends and i did.

Dh was never really into drugs, he's only ever done a couple of lines in his life. As our relationship became more serious i realised that i couldn't keep doing coke and keep dh, he never gave me any ultimatum, the two situations just didn't mix, so i made a decision and i stopped - that was 12 years ago and now i have dcs and so would never do it.

I guess what i'm saying is, talk to him, if he's serious about you and wants the relationship to continue maybe he'll stop. Don't right him off.

For the record though i never did it at family gatherings, as much as i may have wanted to!!

My ex started using cocaine infrequently in his late teens. He was functioning normally 5years later when I met him. But that can change and the drug changes the person. My ex was one second loving and caring the next he wanted me dead. I don't have any contact with him but apparently he wants me back. I won't go back and nor will I date a drug user. The only drugs I tolerate are nicotine and caffeine and anything prescription.

I hope my story can open peoples eyes to the reality of cocaine.

The cancelling on you cos of Miami flu is a bit dysfunctional don't you think?

If youre really into someone, would you blow them out because you had a bad hangover? Or would you sort yourself out and make the effort?

He already can't be bothered to make the effort to hide it from you. Hes testing boundaries to see what youll out up with And I bet this is only the tip of the iceberg.

Anyway does it matter whether he's still getting to work on time and getting bonuses,or sitting in a room with the curtains drawn and mainlining? The fact is it is not okay that he does it AT ALL. In mid thirties it's not cool or edgy, it's a problem.

To be truthful with yourself though, how high functioning is he actually? You say its been a couple of months and he's already rain checked on weekends because he is ill or on a come down from drugs. If he's been with you for a weekend he is twitchy because he is getting withdrawal. And this is him on his best behaviour, at the honeymoon stage where you have limited contact with each other so he can hide the true extent of his drug abuse and how that does effect him.

Realistically, you know he isn't going to stop taking the drugs, don't you?

I have two comments. First, this sounds like a list of an 'ideal man' but you don't say anything about his values, how he treats others, you seem slightly caught up in catching someone who ranks highly on quite superficial variables, but the only way he can cope with doing this good job/the properties etc is by doing coke (I bet way more than you think).

'We have a great time together, he's good looking, very together, good job, has properties, nice family'

Secondly, you said he's very high functioning user, but then go on to detail that he's let you down a couple of times because you think he's ill from using, plus he uses in highly inapproproate places such as at family gatherings (suggesting he's either very egotistical and doesn't care, or actually can't function without it).

I've known loads of city blokes or guys in property like this, good-looking, the car, the houses, the nice restaurants, the coke use. You have to decide if this is your world, really and whether you want to hitch yourself to this wagon which may or may not crash as he gets older and still needs to do coke to function. I wouldn't, because I wouldn't be sure of the values and the man underneath, nothing you have said makes me think he's be a great long-term bet.

For Christ's sake, don't have children with this man. It's one thing to put yourself second best to a coke habit, it's another thing entirely when the kids get the rough edge of a junkie's addiction.

I speak from bitter experience.

Yes, I lived with a coke addict - shall I post some excerpts from my diary? He too was good-looking, functional (held down a job) sweet when I met him but turned out to be flaky, evasive, manipulative and irritable.

There are plenty of men out there who have all the qualities you desire, and who are not drug users. It's really, really not worth the effort to be in a relationship with one. You will find yourself "managing" him and your responses to him, and the energy this involves will make you miserable in the end.
Really, who needs that???

"arrogant, self absorbed, intense, bit paranoid" interesting Madonna, that describes the personablity of someone I went out with who did Coke .

Cokesex may be "good" because there's fewer inhibitions but I think thats about it. I think there is also less feeling and its difficult to remember

Three pages of replies and no-one is telling you what you want to hear, i.e. that he sounds a good prospect and his occasional/recreational use of coke won't cause any problem at all. It's up to you whether you want to waste your life with an addict, personally I wouldn't, don't need all the drama/aggro.

I hate the way people are when they are on cocaine, they are so full of themselves, they think they are wonderful. My friend went out with a coke head and he had a real high sex drive on it-don't know whether that is due to drug.

As someone that used cocaine quite heavily in my younger days I can honestly say, I would never be involved with someone like this.

The person I was when using it wasn't me, I hate that person. It's my biggest regret. It turned me into a horrible human being. So so selfish.

The man you think he is, isn't a true version of himself.

I could almost guarentee he is doing it much more than a couple of times a month if he can't even make plans for a weekend or not do it for his mums b'day.

Are you stupid? I've known of people who've sniffed through their bank accounts, followed by entire houses.

He's just not worth it

Thanks all....HouseofPlain - I posted on here because I can sense that he is starting to put time with his mates before me. And I'm not sure whether that's because he genuinely prefers hanging out with his mates to seeing me or if that's because being with his mates gives him the chance to take drugs.

I don't know if he's going off me because I'm me or if the drugs are just a priority. Because I know he had two long term relationships before, I know he can manage it but I'm getting a bit fed up with some of his behaviour.

However, I've not really dated anyone before in this way so I don't know what to expect. Other relationships have started out as friendships or as work colleagues. I met this guy online.

In terms of his values, character etc...we seem very similar. As I mentioned, I do some feminist campaigning and I have some strong views, which he shares. And honestly not many men get it at all. Politically we have the same views, we have the same interests, and we talk and laugh non stop when we are together...even my dog is really happy around him, and I know that sounds stupid but she used to stay away from the horrible ex I was with and she is all over this guy...

The nice car, the good job, the properties don't interest me in that way but I mentioned them as evidence that he can sustain all of this stuff. My car is covered in mud and dog hair and I am renting my house (don't want to buy yet) and I have a good job but I'm not happy in it. So in some ways, he seems more sorted than I am.....

Years ago I went out with one and thought I could "help" him, he fleeced me for 3 grand. He turned out to be one of the nastiest men I have ever met in my life.

SirSugar...no, I'm not stupid but thanks for asking!

Oh by the way, when I met him he was the owner of a company. He ended up in a half way house.

Didn't have an ex like this but did have an ex-boss. Over the course of 3 years he went from being high functioning, respected & reliable head of a dept at my work, life & soul of party, to a train wreck.

He became a full blown alcoholic too, lost his career, friends & marriage. He had huge memory lapses, turned up incoherent & rambling to meetings and was generally a disaster.

That experience made me realise I want nothing to do with anyone into drugs. It messed up my career, I don't want it messing up a relationship too.

The scary thing is watching someone deteriorate day by day - every day he was a little bit worse. In your shoes, I'd be running away, fast.

OP take those rose coloured specs of sweetheart and quickly.

"off" of course

I have read several other threads on here posted by women who found out their husbands used coke. The responses they got were mixed.

I've only ever used coke twice. It made my teeth feel like they were going to fall out and that was it. I haven't tried it again and don't feel the need to.

So I have no experience or idea of what it's like to be indulging in something like this and that's why I posted - to get an idea of what it feels like and what I'm competing with here.

I think if I brought it up with him, he would be very defensive and he has denied that he takes that much.

I do think I know that it's not a long term thing. I just feel very sad about it because we have a great time when we're together. There's just this little thing called coke getting in the way.

It is possible to hold down a good job, own property, be a functioning good-to-be-around person and still be a habitual coke user. But that pretty much absorbs all your energy. I know a lot of people who do coke regularly who have managed to do that for years. What they haven't managed to do is sustain a relationship.

His weekends revolve around coke. If you don't want yours too, I can't see any future for you.