Dating a cocaine user - experience/advice sought

[Shirsten]

Hi everyone
New ish here (have name changed).

I have been dating a guy for a few months and I really like him. However, he does a lot of cocaine - I think about two or three times a month at least. He's been doing for at least 15 years and recently he did it at his mum's birthday party and at a family wedding as well as doing it with his mates at the pub.

I know that 1. it's illegal, and 2. there are major human & environmental impacts from the growing & supply of cocaine, 3. it can be dangerous, especially if taken with alcohol which he does regularly. I've only ever tried it once but I prefer to get my highs from real life rather than depending on drugs for it.

I am fairly tolerant to drug use (I wish I wasn't but I am though I do find his attitudes about fairtrade a bit hypocritical given his cocaine use), and I haven't asked him not to indulge. I was, however, a bit shocked at the family occasions at which he snorted coke. I think it bothers him that I don't do it because it's a big part of his social life more than it bothers me that he does it. He's also reluctant to make plans because I think part of him wants to make sure he has drug taking opportunities at the weekends.

Twice he's cancelled plans we had because of what I think is 'Miami flu' - i.e. the flu like symptoms associated with a cocaine comedown.

Other than that, I have seen no mood swings, just a bit of restlessness after we've spent the weekend together.

Can anyone whose been in a relationship with a cocaine user or who has done cocaine on a regular basis give me their experiences? I've been doing a bit of reading about it and I don't know whether it's going to cause a problem soon. If so, I'd rather finish it now than get more attached to him than I already am.

There are no children involved and we are in our mid 30s. I really like him but do not want to come second to a drug.

Thanks!

AnyFucker - ha ha, you're correct. No complaints in that department! He plays tennis twice a week (so do I) and does martial arts so is quite fit and sporty. I do some feminist campaigning and he gets all of that and is very supportive (not many men are at all). We have loads in common and, yes, I find him very attractive...

It's very annoying that we have this big difference in our lifestyles.

I think I am partly so tolerant because both my brothers did a lot of drugs in their 20s and both have grown out of it now and have turned into responsible human beings.

Also I think 15 years is a very very long time to be using it 'recreationally'

i knew blokes like this who did, in fact do coke on an occasional basis and had done for years...they weren't addicted in the sense of everything being about that, had good jobs...etc etc...

the reason i wouldn't touch them with a bargepole because they were obviously very committed to being single-living party people and that was never going to change. they usually had relationships going on...some longer term...none that went anywhere. frankly the coke didnt make a difference - it was a total lifestyle that wasn't geared to the whole marriage and babies thing.

coke at family occasions is a very bad indicator though.

he isn't growing out of it though, is he ?

"he's good looking, very together, good job, has properties, nice family"

Well he may well not have those things much longer if he continues to use.

This man is an addict and addictions are progressive. He may well be functional at the moment (although if he has to cancel plans due to come-downs then that is debatable) but you have no guarantee that things will stay that way. Will he still seem so wonderful when he's broke and a desperate wreck?

You know what to do op.

you are being "tolerant" because you want to carry on seeing him

and I think you will (stupidly)

You said yourself, they did it in their 20s and grew out of it. Your partner is already mid 30s and doesn't seem able to, if anything is ramping up his usage if he is doing it at family events like his mother's birthday party. I agree with Madonna by the way, that does seem rather sad and pathetic.

No, I guess he isn't growing out of it. I think I'm only just realising how much he takes. I honestly had no idea when we first met and unfortunately I've really started to fall for him just at the stage when I'm finding out how bad his 'habit' is.

He's had two long term relationships before meeting me. The most recent - for 2 years - he described as 'turbulent'. Before that it was 5 years. I think both his previous girlfriends took coke with him.

I hear coke sex is pretty amazing and he did tell me he went for 'exciting types'. Not sure what he meant by that but I don't think I'm in that category for him being a boring old non drug user 'n' all.

Do you go out together socially op? Does he ever use when he is around you?

Well look OP, this is what you're signing up to: a relationship with a bloke who cancels plans on you because of his drug habit. A bloke who doesn't feel like he's having a good time unless he's getting high. A bloke who's been like that for 15 years.

It won't change. Not without something drastic happening like and overdose or criminal conviction.

Is that what you want for the future?

Have you even discussed how you feel about it with him? Does he try to minimise and justify it to you? Do you feel like if you told him it was a deal breaker for you, he'd stop? Or do you feel like he'd pick the coke over you?

From an ex of a cocaine user. I don't know how much of my story people on here know, so here goes. When me and my exH met he was older, loving attentive, affectionate, forward 5years, and his cocaine use having taken over, he was violent abusive, the drugs were making him paranoid. He stabbed me even. I have scars to prove it. His best friend (and dealer) had a heart attack as a result of cocaine and they then had the cheek to tell me that cream cakes aren't good for you like cocaine was in the same class. They clearly didn't see how dangerous it was and couldn't stop. I got Post natal depression quote severely and ended up in a retreat for 3 days and my ex was still taking drugs, getting deeper into debt. In the end I left. I was tired of being hit kicked and strangled and my son seeing it and screaming.

That is my experience of a cocaine user. Please I am begging don't you experience what I did. I am young enough (24, married at 17) to start my life over.

"Yes....because I really like him. We have a great time together, he's good looking, very together, good job, has properties, nice family"

A coke addict isn't my definition of very together. 3 of those plus points are superficial. When an addiction takes hold, cross out the job, looks and propeties. Then finally the family. So the plus points are?

"I really like him but do not want to come second to a drug."

You already do. Sorry, but this is bringing up huge red flags. Leave him, he isn't worth it.

Very manipulative of him to say he only goes for 'exciting types'. You're already calling yourself boring here because you don't feel like you measure up to his standard of 'exciting' ie drug taker.

Bet that makes you feel like you can't say anything about it doesn't it? Because he'll just say you're being boring?

as if the PPs haven't said enough here's my advice

run. like the fucking wind.

why do you think he relationship was 'turbulent'?

i'll tell you, because there were at least 3 people in it, him, his DP and coke. and coke was always 1st.

it always is - you know this already. that's why you're asking MN

He is in his 30s, though. He hasnt 'grown out of it'. He thinks it is appropriate to take Class A drugs at a family party.

Run.Like.The.Wind.

Also, lol at 'I only go for exciting types'. This guy is sounding like a bigger and bigger knob each time you post OP.

Oh I missed that. What a prick. My idea of exciting isn't a coke head. They guen on forever, yap, yap, yap.

So he is making out you are boring and your sex is shit in comparison. As you aren't whizzing of his nuts.

Why does such a man make you happy?

I should also add my ex had a caution for possession of cocaine and did overdose. He was vomiting blood all night and thought he would die. 48hours later he was back on it. Cocaine is a drug that grabs hold of you and ruins everything bit by bit.

It's entirely up to you.
I know regular coke users, they hold down full time jobs and are, in all other ways, law abiding citizens.
It's not for me now though, but I did dabble when younger.
For me it's a no, but coke user doesn't have to equal major druggie.
Obviously there are moral issues involved too, again, it depends on your feelings on that side of it.

I do appreciate everyone's responses. I realise I am being naive about it.

I haven't asked him not to take drugs and I haven't seen him take them. Nor has he offered them to me. I don't know if he's been on them when he's been with me but I'm wondering now.

I have read about the physical and psychological effects of cocaine use and it's confusing because he's been using on and off for I think about 15 years and he doesn't seem to be showing any bad effects yet (that I've seen). And surely I would have noticed some by now?

He's smart, good looking, and looks fit and healthy (obv debatable if he actually is on in the inside). He's been doing his job for 5 years well, earning big bonuses, and it doesn't seem to be having an impact on his job. He does seem very high functioning.

MyLittleMiracles - I'm so sorry to hear your story. That really is awful and your experiences are very upsetting to read. I really appreciate you sharing them and realise it must be hard for you to talk about.

You will always come second to the drug. Perhaps at the moment that isn't a problem because he can sustain both, but if he has to make a choice - as you're seeing with the weekend thing at the moment, he will be reluctant to do so.

The thing is that while he may be a "high functioning" user, that can only be the case for a certain amount of time. The human body simply isn't designed to have mass amounts of chemical substances ingested on a regular basis, and while many chemical substances are harmless or have a low risk basis, this is one which we know significantly affects brain chemistry. It's not the same as, e.g. having a higher risk of cancer if you're a smoker. Eventually, anyone who uses drugs like this on a regular basis will start to show the effects of it, and that's really hard to watch if you're close to them.

Also, if you're in the dating stage now, I'd imagine you're only seeing his good side. You've mentioned that he's cancelled things due to his "Miami Flu" - fast forward a few years and imagine living together and having him around the house on a comedown, or when he's having cravings (if his usage increases, or if it's already more than he's letting on - if you only, say, drank alcohol once every 2-3 months, would you really be edgy about possibly missing out on it in the interim weekends?)

Finally, if you're at the stage in life where you're considering finding someone to have children with, it would be a total dealbreaker to me to involve someone in my (potential) children's lives who was involved with illegal drugs. Firstly for the obvious reason that drugs can make people behave erratically and unpredictably, outside of their usual character, secondly because - well - it's not a great role model, is it? And thirdly because if you're buying drugs, that means you're involved with some not very nice people. Individual drug users themselves might be perfectly nice and I don't doubt this at all, but on the drug "scene" there are some real, seriously nasty lowlives who are not afraid of acting outside of the law, and who (by the nature of their business) have to be pretty threatening because they don't have the backup of legal protection. You do not want them knowing where you live. You do not want them knowing where your children live, and believe me you do not ever, ever want to get on the wrong side of them or give them any reason to feel aggrieved towards you. That, for me, is an unacceptable risk to have around children.

He is a druggie.

Dump him and move on.

Dating a few months you are still in the honeymoon phase and if he is letting you know he takes coke at family events you can be sure he is taking it a hell of a lot more.

Most guys are still trying to show their best side at that stage so the fact he is so upfront about his drug use is making a statement and 'testing' you as a gf. If you put your foot down on this he willl say you're controlling and dump you - or if he actually does quite like you he will lie and claim to have stopped.

Do yourself a favour and get out now before you waste years of your life on this guy. Someone in his thirties taking loads of drugs is NOT the same as someone taking loads of drugs in twenties. Ditto loads of booze. There comes a point where you have to start growing up.

Does he work in the city?

I'm less worried about the coke than I am about the fact that he just sounds like a bit of a dick.