Dating a cocaine user - experience/advice sought

[Shirsten]

Hi everyone
New ish here (have name changed).

I have been dating a guy for a few months and I really like him. However, he does a lot of cocaine - I think about two or three times a month at least. He's been doing for at least 15 years and recently he did it at his mum's birthday party and at a family wedding as well as doing it with his mates at the pub.

I know that 1. it's illegal, and 2. there are major human & environmental impacts from the growing & supply of cocaine, 3. it can be dangerous, especially if taken with alcohol which he does regularly. I've only ever tried it once but I prefer to get my highs from real life rather than depending on drugs for it.

I am fairly tolerant to drug use (I wish I wasn't but I am though I do find his attitudes about fairtrade a bit hypocritical given his cocaine use), and I haven't asked him not to indulge. I was, however, a bit shocked at the family occasions at which he snorted coke. I think it bothers him that I don't do it because it's a big part of his social life more than it bothers me that he does it. He's also reluctant to make plans because I think part of him wants to make sure he has drug taking opportunities at the weekends.

Twice he's cancelled plans we had because of what I think is 'Miami flu' - i.e. the flu like symptoms associated with a cocaine comedown.

Other than that, I have seen no mood swings, just a bit of restlessness after we've spent the weekend together.

Can anyone whose been in a relationship with a cocaine user or who has done cocaine on a regular basis give me their experiences? I've been doing a bit of reading about it and I don't know whether it's going to cause a problem soon. If so, I'd rather finish it now than get more attached to him than I already am.

There are no children involved and we are in our mid 30s. I really like him but do not want to come second to a drug.

Thanks!

AKissisnotacontract - (love the FOTC ref!) thanks for sharing your experience. It's all really helpful to hear. No, I haven't seen him on a comedown yet. I did offer to go over to his the last time he cancelled but he said he didn't want me to see him "being boring". So, no, I have no idea what he's like then.

BertieBotts - thank you for getting it that he gets the feminism. On our first date, we talked about it and he went off on a rant - but saying all the things that I would say about some issues that I campaign about. I must admit that I did go all misty eyed at that point (and I already was pretty misty eyed by then because he was so goddamn gorgeous and we'd already clicked). His behaviour with a few things has already shown me that he 'gets it' - refuses to go into strip clubs when all his mates are, for example.

But....I think you are right. The coke will always come first. I can't understand why someone would choose a false high over a living, breathing person that they can talk to, have sex with and spend time with. But unless I choose to get into it too (and I won't), I'll never understand. Why would someone choose to hang out with their mates in a pub snorting stuff up their nose rather than spend the time with a girlfriend they supposedly care about? I guess that's the nature of addiction but it makes no sense to me.

Shirsten

re an earlier comment of yours:-
"my last ex was very emotionally abusive (ended it with him 3 years ago after 5 years of cr@p). I have wondered if my boundaries are a bit screwed still".

In a word, yes. You have swapped one user type for yet another and you will be dragged down with and by him the longer you stay within this. You will always come a dim and distant second to the cocaine.

Why date this man at all?. Do you think you have either a rescuer and or saviour type thing going on with this bloke, do you think your love for him will make him give up the cocaine?.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

so, having seen the damage substance use can do to a person, bobbi why are you so dismissive of advice telling the OP to get the fuck out?

you'd like her to stay so she can check whether this bloke is one of the 'lucky' ones?

Ok then but your not making sense bobbi... Maybe thats because you are trying to reconcile things in your head?

yes. because I believe that controlled use of substances is not necessarily harmful in the same way that most people believe that a couple of glasses of wine 2 - 3 times a month isn't harmful. It might be just that. IF she gets on with him that well, it's worth pursuing. Equally if he was a 6 pints a night & whisky chasers man I'd be telling her to run. It's not the poison, it's the way it's taken. Some people can and do control their drinking, smoking, drugging and it does not automatically make them Bad People. I don't think it's contradictory, and it does not take into account the legalities / supply chain points (whih i have pretty strong views over). But no, I don't think it's automatically a red card
(the subsequent post about "not liking his friends" does however ring another alarm and suggests they're all drug buddies and it is more than the 2-3 times / month. It's all about due diligence)

Ok so you're still telling her to suck it and see?

Attila - I have no desire to save him or rescue him. I've read enough about enabling and codependency to know that it's not a role I'm falling into. I've been seeing him for a few months & it's only just starting to occur to me that his drug use is worse than he's letting on. I'm just trying to work out whether his behaviour is him going off me or whether he has a habit that he is prioritising over me. Whenever the subject of drugs comes up, he dismisses it by saying that he doesn't do that much.

Honestly, I had no idea about any of it when I first started seeing him. He was lovely, sweet, funny, affectionate and I really started to fall for him. We talk and laugh non stop when we are together.

But yes, given my history I really don't want to get hurt again and if there's a chance that he's going to let me down then I'll get out before I have really fallen for him (I'm on the verge).

bobbi if it was smack or ketamine or alcohol maybe... But coke?! Know it doesn't make him a Bad Person, just terribly dull

Thanks Bobbi. I did have a brief relationship with a guy I met in Australia when I was travelling there. The guy I met introduced me to all his friends and family when I went back to visit him a few months later (I visit there every year anyway to see family). I found out later that he took drugs and some of his mates were druggie mates. I'd got on with them all - all nice people. So I was pretty surprised when the guy I'm seeing now told me I wouldn't like his mates.

He's talked about me meeting his family (I was invited to the family wedding but couldn't go) but seems to want to keep me separate from his mates at the pub. I'm an alright person (I think!) so I do wonder what's wrong with them...!

Ask him if he realises that what he's sticking up his nose has been shat out of some desperado's backside.

Again, well done op. You nearly slipped there but I'm sure you won't.

You needed a bit of a decider didn't you. And you got one.

Co-dependency is a strange animal, you think you're ok but it still has a habit of slipping in and trying to get you again doesnt it!

Don't go there. Dump him

"I'm just trying to work out whether his behaviour is him going off me or whether he has a habit that he is prioritising over me. Whenever the subject of drugs comes up, he dismisses it by saying that he doesn't do that much".

Re your first sentence he is putting his cocaine usage before you. This is after three months in; you met online and you still barely know him. The second sentence is a man who is deeply and mired in denial (he who has admitted to doing this for at least 15 years!).

So what do you get out of this relationship now exactly?.

I'd bail now before you get more sucked into his relationship with cocaine. He is already cancelling and letting you down, you want more of the same?.

I'll have a conversation with him this weekend. I suspect I know how it'll go though. Trouble is, I think he is in denial about his own drug use so he probably won't be honest with me about it anyway.

It's not good for the ego to know that someone would prefer to take drugs than see you.

He's getting you a bit intregued isn't he. He's trying to make you sa,. I'm ok with all this, I will be accepting of your friends (therefore your habit). Blimey OP

Shirsten, either way, it doesn't seem very good to me, as relationships go. Either he's gone off you and wants to be with his mates on weekends a lot (not good, would expect a mid-thrties man looking to settle down to be doing the opposite) or he's more into coke than you suspected and is seeking to prioritise it over you by hanging out with other people who take coke. Neither of these are really the 'happy ever after scenario' you deserve, and I suggest you back off massively from him. If he asks why, be honest.

It's all very well him blathering on about feminism, but if he'd rather go out with his mates and do coke than come round to yours, it's all a bit academic really.

Thing is, Attila, he had a 5 year relationship with someone, then a 2 year relationship with someone, then we met. So I know he can manage to have long term relationships with people. I'm not happy about being let down as a consequence of his drug comedowns but he managed to maintain 2 other relationships so I am wondering how he did it. And if it's me....which, again, isn't great for my self-esteem.

Ok, I didn't realise this was only a three month thing. And he's let you down twice already, and doesn't want you round as you'd find him 'boring' and wants to keep you away from his friends. And he's gone off you/is out on weekends and not with you.

I don't think this is heading in the right direction, regardless of the coke use.

Also you have not yet stated what you get out of this relationship. A great bod and some nice chat does in no way make up for his long term addiction to cocaine.

You sell yourself short by being with such a person and he will drag you down with him in the end if you remain within this.

but these ex's both took coke with him didn't they, so I guess they shared the comedowns etc.

I'm not happy about being let down as a consequence of his drug comedowns

Im sure they weren't either OP. Just because the sustain a relationship the woman gets sucked in doesnt mean it was a healthy one sweetheart.

"they"

MissFaversham - yes, I am intrigued. He is a bit hot and cold and it seems like he can be two different people - a druggie with his mates, and an interesting, charming, sexy feminist with me! The fact that he seems high functioning and sorted has got me confused because he's not a typical junkie.

Mumsyblouse - you're right....and I have started to back off a bit already. At my age, I am ready to settle down. He did seem really keen at first but he does seem to be hot and cold with me. I do wonder if him going cold is related to him hanging out with his mates and taking the drugs.

It's not about you, it's all about him.

Yeah, he might settle down at some point and become a great family man and all that, but probably not with you. Sorry. He's got more coke-mileage in him yet.

Blimey, didnt read that.. tooo damn fast here for me about the two other ex's.

Unfortunately sweetheart you may just have to learn a very hard lesson for yourself here