Dating a cocaine user - experience/advice sought

[Shirsten]

Hi everyone
New ish here (have name changed).

I have been dating a guy for a few months and I really like him. However, he does a lot of cocaine - I think about two or three times a month at least. He's been doing for at least 15 years and recently he did it at his mum's birthday party and at a family wedding as well as doing it with his mates at the pub.

I know that 1. it's illegal, and 2. there are major human & environmental impacts from the growing & supply of cocaine, 3. it can be dangerous, especially if taken with alcohol which he does regularly. I've only ever tried it once but I prefer to get my highs from real life rather than depending on drugs for it.

I am fairly tolerant to drug use (I wish I wasn't but I am though I do find his attitudes about fairtrade a bit hypocritical given his cocaine use), and I haven't asked him not to indulge. I was, however, a bit shocked at the family occasions at which he snorted coke. I think it bothers him that I don't do it because it's a big part of his social life more than it bothers me that he does it. He's also reluctant to make plans because I think part of him wants to make sure he has drug taking opportunities at the weekends.

Twice he's cancelled plans we had because of what I think is 'Miami flu' - i.e. the flu like symptoms associated with a cocaine comedown.

Other than that, I have seen no mood swings, just a bit of restlessness after we've spent the weekend together.

Can anyone whose been in a relationship with a cocaine user or who has done cocaine on a regular basis give me their experiences? I've been doing a bit of reading about it and I don't know whether it's going to cause a problem soon. If so, I'd rather finish it now than get more attached to him than I already am.

There are no children involved and we are in our mid 30s. I really like him but do not want to come second to a drug.

Thanks!

I read some of this the other night, but couldn't reply at the time - I'm really glad to see you've taken the sensible approach - I've spent a lot of time around users, both in work & relationships & can vouch for all the replies above - I even found myself wondering if this coke head of yours was my estranged brother - so much of what you said would have fit him - though I also know him to be a compulsive liar, which I suspect you also were dealing with as it can often go hand in hand - especially with a salesman too

sorry you are hurting of course, but I think you already know its for the best, & FGS don't compare yourself negatively with his exes - YOU are the sensible one who had second thoughts PDQ - he picked up on your negativity & its a selfish drug, so he couldn't have someone in his life that dared disagree with his views or lifestyle - Coke heads ARE cold people if crossed, thats just the nature of the drug

Instead of being down on yourself for not lasting the same course the others did - think of it as you having the sense to see through him early - something his long term GF failed to do - I bet if you asked them, they'd be wishing they had done it your way too

I have just read the whole thread and I applaud you. By doing this, you are hurting now but will recover so much faster than if you had carried on with him.

I left a coke-addict boyfriend years ago, yes, the drug is everything to them and he basically had a personality change, becoming cold and uncaring. Like you, the relationship was entirely based on his terms by then.
I shudder to think what my life could have become if I hadn't left and never looked back.

Like someone said upthread, the coke is the mistress and the nr. 1. Always.

Please don't think you "weren't good enough" for him but turn it around and see that you love yourself enough not to get dragged down into his lifestyle.
You can pat yourself on the back for that!

And you know, that man of your dreams could well be just around the corner. If you'd stayed with coke addict you would have missed him....

All really helpful stuff to hear - thank you.

Abitwobbynow - I don't want to approach the ex as I'm not quite sure what's going on there. She thinks she's still with him (according to her FB status) and I don't know whether her being on the scene has anything to do with him becoming distant with me. He's a 34 year old man with needs and if I'm not around it'll probably be easy for him to pick up the phone to her. There was definitely something not quite right with the situation with the ex and I wish I'd asked him more about it when the subject came up.

Thisisausername - sorry to hear about your sister's experience. Isn't it strange how they can carry on for years and then suddenly get so much worse at a particular point? I hope your sister is ok now. To all appearances, mine seemed fine, but I guess it could get worse at any point. He's friends with his boss though and I think they will cut him a lot of slack at work.

Mylittlemiracles - I have e-mailed to ask if he'll post my stuff back. It's nothing of great importance, I suppose, but a couple of things that I would like back. He's said he will post them but I won't hold my breath. I suspect it will be far too much effort. Part of getting it back is to have no more connection there, if that makes sense.

Rockinhippy - I hope you are not his estranged sister as some of the stuff he's told me about his (coke addicted) sister makes her sound very messed up! I think comparing himself to her makes him feel as if he's fine. Thank you for the reassurance. He was selfish when I wasn't with him. My mum was in hospital for a week and was very ill and he barely texted me in that time, which I found very hurtful. At one point he did basically tell me that my life was too stressful for him, which was nice....!

Surburbophobe - Thanks for your reassurance and experiences. I am trying to tell myself that I did the right thing (although I think he would have finished it if I hadn't anyway because he preferred to be around his mates than see me). I do feel sad because I didn't see much evidence of the coke on his life but I know it was there. He was always lovely when I was with him. I think he felt the same but it was out of sight, out of mind where I was concerned.

You are doing so well, shirsten x

The stuff at his place ? Send a friend round to get it.

Well done!

This? he thought he just wasn't ready for another relationship.

is translation for: 'you have just given me a boundary, and made some demands, and as I don't really see you as a person and can't be bothered to be a human being I will dip out of THAT inconvenience now.

You are WELL SHOT. And really well done for having those boundaries, and asserting those requirements and NOT going along with a sich in which you would lose yourself. Here's a medal and a bunch of for you. Well done!

FWIW I have the lifestyle you find attractive and it means nothing. I would give anything to live in a shack with cuddles and his face in my hair telling me I am precious to him. My H's medication of choice is not coke, but basically addiction is a very narcissistic thing, because 'you don't have to give in a relationship with a bottle. A bottle doesn't have any needs' - (an experienced drugs counsellor).

Thanks both. Sorry to hear that you've living with an addicted partner, Abitwobblynow. You're right about addiction being very narcissistic. Everything I've read, especially about coke, says that it makes people very selfish and self-centred.

Ridiculous how much I miss him though. He really seemed to get me and I felt comfortable and safe with him. I can't stop thinking about him and how lovely he was when we were together. I am trying to focus on the bad things but it's not always easy.

"He really seemed to get me and I felt comfortable and safe with him"

Unfortunately Shirsten I doubt very much if that is really true :(

He's showed interest in you, lapped up everything you've told him & mirrored it back to you, as a way of reeling you in :( I suspect very much that a few months down the line if you would even recognise him as this same guy - what he has done is sold himself to you, in a way that you would buy into - having you believe him to be your perfect man will feed the Narcissist in him, because it makes him the perfect centre of your world - not a facade he was ever going to be able to keep up long term & the moment you questioned him, it slipped.

He's a salesman & a coke head - as is my Brother - the web of deceit he can spin & have people believe in mind boggling - my Mum still thinks she has the perfect Son, despite bailing him out time after time - a classic example would be her being so proud of him taking up golf - he really had her believing he was up early getting fresh air & enjoying a game with friends - throwing in golfing jargon had her convinced - in reality - he was up all night, snorting coke & playing a golfing video game with his mate - he thought he was doing my Mum a favour by letting her believe - just as he thinks he is doing her a favour when he calls on them to pay his mortgage, because - it makes her feel needed & useful - in reality my brothers attitude to women is horrendous - I've seen him fly off & cut them out because they dare question him

I doubt it is really my brother, but there are a lot of similarities here - but that the thing with addicts, at the core they are all the same - but then again I don't doubt my brother would spin such lies about me - he actually has in the past when I was so worried & tried to get him help, realising I lived so far away I was powerless & had to speak up to our Dad - my DB actually managed to turn that around to MY being the druggy & it was me who got him into it - my mother actually believed it too - because I speak up & will disagree with her - he never will because she pays for his drugs

In short, don't grieve for what you THINK you've lost, I suspect it was a clever decoy to reel you in & don't feel foolish for taking the bait - like I said CLEVER decoy - I've fallen for that myself in the past - its easily done when they are all out to deceive :(

Wow, rockinhippy - that's a very insightful post, thank you.

Mirroring is what my previous boyfriend did and I fell for it bigtime (turned out to be 5 years of hell). This (new) guy did seem to try to impress me by talking about books he liked, plays he liked, the tennis he plays (I love tennis) and his politics because he knows I'm involved with local politics a bit too. Even his tv recordings were the exact same programmes that I'd have recorded too going back months and we had little things in common that very few people would even know about.

But during our last conversation, suddenly, according to him, we didn't have anything in common and I wouldn't like his friends. I was very confused. As you say, he sold himself to me and I'm now thinking that he can't have been the guy that I thought he was.

Or perhaps the guy not on drugs is the guy who is sporty & who likes the theatre and who cares about politics and fairtrade - and the side that is into drugs doesn't care about anything except going to the pub with his mates and snorting coke on a Saturday night. Unfortunately for me, the latter guy won out.

I was shocked to read about your experiences with your brother. I had a similar experience with my younger brother when he was doing a lot of drugs. This guy does seem to be quite together though...owns 3 houses, 2 of which he lives in (one during the week) and he seems to be able to manage the mortgage on all three. He manages his job well enough to earn big bonuses (except for this year). Obviously he could have pressures that I wasn't seeing but that was one of the things that confused me. To all intents and purposes, he seemed very high functioning.

I must admit that I swallowed his story about his sister hook, line and sinker and am now wondering if it was as bad as he said. It sounded pretty bad (I won't say too much in case anyone recognises him/her). It's just occurred to me that having her in such a bad way takes the focus off him. It's funny - sometimes someone says something that flashes a lightbulb on in my head and your post has just done that, thank you!

He told me that his parents know that they take drugs. I imagine they must be worried sick about them all.

A lot of pennies are starting to drop for you Shirsten and that's really good.

You have to get out of your head that this bloke was the 'perfect guy'. Sure, he was lovely to you when you were together. But he didn't call or text once when your mum was seriously ill? That's shit. Even taking coke out of the equation, that is the action of someone who doesn't care and isn't bothered. It's shit.

Can't say often enough how much of a lucky escape you've had.

This all sounds very familiar. OP if you don't mind me asking is his name TF and his ex that thinks they're still together SM?

Hi Madonnawhore - he did call and text but not very often. Not as often as I would have done if it was him. I did get the sense that he had gone quiet on me then although he denied it (later he said it was true that he had and gave me some rubbish reason why). I do have him up on a pedestal still and need to knock him off.

Hi Worrydoll - no, that's not him. Are you in a similar situation?

OP is it possible that given number of properties etc, people buying places for him, said fellow might be a drug dealer (as well as user)?

Just wondering as I knew a very charming man, who seemed to find new revenue streams via making new friends etc. I am very anti drugs and his interest in me waned rather rapidly when he found out my views on the matter.

Other people in my circle of friends seemed to be scoring 'coke' and using at parties, a behaviour I'd not seen in those people whom I knew for years.

You did the right thing to run for the hills! Glad you trusted your instincts and polled the greater consciousness too.

Best wishes, you made a narrow escape by the sound of things

cocaine is addictive, can ruin the inside of your nose and possibly lead on to harder drugs.

There is no jutification in drug use.

Have you googled cocaine yet?

Also google daniella westbrooke, see how far cocaine use got her.

Also the governments website ' talk to frank' is good.

The other thing you could do is go to 'soberrecovery.cm' and read up on peoples experiences of it, from both sides.

Other than that, I personally wouldn't touch him with a barge pole

This thread is a year old.

tis an old thread, op last posted a year ago.

So this thread was from 5 years ago, I'm wondering what happened to this relationship Did you guys split up, or are you still dating the coke addict, Shirsten??

think yourself lucky you found this out early on and run, run for your life. this won't go away. please listen to us 🙏🏼

Don't be so bloody stupid. Get rid. He'll ruin your life as well.

Sorry to be so frank, but sometimes it is necessary.

Good heavens, this is quite the zombie thread. Hopefully you left the zombie and are now happy with a decent person.

I was with a heavy drug user of multiple class As (and Bs and Cs) for several years.

Was with him as he went through out patient rehab.

an ex housemate at uni put most of his student loan up his nose for a while.

I'll tell you what. when they come off it... They're not who they want to be. They want to be a drug user. They like it. So If you are okay with a shortened life and the sacrifices he WILL make for the drug then it's do able. Plus he'll be skinny and when they come off they tend to pile on the pounds.

When they stop being able to ejaculate or get it up... That's when to get out. It's so sad but it can happen.

This is just really sad:

www.google.com/search?q=danniella+westbrook+cocaine&lr=&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwj12a-L25TSAhWrx4MKHRjkBAwQ_AUICCgB&biw=992&bih=444

I am currently dating someone who does cocaine it is ruining my life we don't have a social life he spends his days in bed tired get rid

You can't have a relationship with an addict - voice of experience here. It will only ever be one-sided, because they're only really into their substance of choice, not you.

Zombie thread!

i bet hes in sales. I also think hes still with his ex