Dating a cocaine user - experience/advice sought

[Shirsten]

Hi everyone
New ish here (have name changed).

I have been dating a guy for a few months and I really like him. However, he does a lot of cocaine - I think about two or three times a month at least. He's been doing for at least 15 years and recently he did it at his mum's birthday party and at a family wedding as well as doing it with his mates at the pub.

I know that 1. it's illegal, and 2. there are major human & environmental impacts from the growing & supply of cocaine, 3. it can be dangerous, especially if taken with alcohol which he does regularly. I've only ever tried it once but I prefer to get my highs from real life rather than depending on drugs for it.

I am fairly tolerant to drug use (I wish I wasn't but I am though I do find his attitudes about fairtrade a bit hypocritical given his cocaine use), and I haven't asked him not to indulge. I was, however, a bit shocked at the family occasions at which he snorted coke. I think it bothers him that I don't do it because it's a big part of his social life more than it bothers me that he does it. He's also reluctant to make plans because I think part of him wants to make sure he has drug taking opportunities at the weekends.

Twice he's cancelled plans we had because of what I think is 'Miami flu' - i.e. the flu like symptoms associated with a cocaine comedown.

Other than that, I have seen no mood swings, just a bit of restlessness after we've spent the weekend together.

Can anyone whose been in a relationship with a cocaine user or who has done cocaine on a regular basis give me their experiences? I've been doing a bit of reading about it and I don't know whether it's going to cause a problem soon. If so, I'd rather finish it now than get more attached to him than I already am.

There are no children involved and we are in our mid 30s. I really like him but do not want to come second to a drug.

Thanks!

I would end the relationship personally, based on all experiences I've had with coke abusers in the past. If nothing else you have to think of the longterm consequences, if you ever move in together or get married, your joint finances will be used on cocaine.

He could also be arrested, have an overdose which damages him permanently or kills him. It sounds like more risk than potential gain.

I would just end it-it will cause no end of problems so better to have the upset now. You deserve better.

When I read your opening post my first reaction was oh no he'll bore you stupid. The only way to cope with the boredom of cokeheads blathering on and on is to do it yourself and join them. I reckon he knows this and would be more comfortable of you developed a coke habit.

The potential father of my children would not be a druggie.

Seems that the very strong message from those with relevant experience is that coke is NOT a "little thing", the guy's already flaky and yet the OP's making all kinds of excuses for him. You say that his wealth, looks and sexual prowess aren't what matter to you. Believe me, there are blokes who'll be supportive of feminist causes by not setting women up for drug-withdrawal provoked abuse and, if that's not good enough, by not supporting a trade that's interconnected with human trafficking.

Doesn't sound as though you have much intention to follow the advice on here.

What if you had a kid with this man, and what if the kid accidently got its hands on the stash, and what if the kid ingested the stash?

Some people are ever so judgy and pissy about drug use. It is perfectly possible to do recreational drugs for a few years and grow out of it, with no longterm harm done. (It's also perfectly possible to kill yourself with your first line, if you have some sort of rare heart condition or decide to do something utterly fucking stupid like climb out on a fifth floor balcony in the rain, but that's another matter).

However, this bloke's already showing addiction symptoms ie he is prioritizing drug use over you and everything else. It will only get worse. So will the sex.

Did you mention that your last relationship was abusive? If so, your boundaries are still a bit fucked and you've gone and picked a different flavour of knob, that's all - an addict rather than a bully/nutter/thief/serial cheat.

Maryz - I was being ironic! I realise it's a big thing. I did read Rachel's Holiday years ago but will try and get a copy as it's more relevant to me now.

Thanks all. I am reading and digesting all of your posts. I can sense his interest veering towards spending time with his mates and I guess I am after reassurance that it's not because there's something wrong with me.

I am also curious as to why, if it was going to develop into a problem, it hasn't happened before now which suggests he has some control over it.

In terms of me not taking advice, please don't think that I'm ignoring anything that people have posted. I only posted about an hour ago so I haven't had much of a chance to think about it properly yet. As I said, drugs have never been a part of my life so it's all new to me. I'm only just recently starting to piece together the extent of his drug use from the hints he's been dropping.

SGB - yes, my last ex was very emotionally abusive (ended it with him 3 years ago after 5 years of cr@p). I have wondered if my boundaries are a bit screwed still.

Why not give him the ultimatum? You could learn a lot from his response.

Get out & away from this drug user as soon as possible,he will only bring you pain & grief as the years pass.

Yes, he probably does have some control over it. But not enough to make him think that doing a couple of lines at his mum's birthday party is a really bad idea.

Look he does it all weekend, every weekend. He will dump you if you don't dump him because the coke is more important than you'll ever be. I would imagine that if you speak to his girlfriends, that'll be why his relationships break down.

I have a very dear friend (possibly the man you're dating) who I adore but he is a shit boyfriend because he likes coke far too much

I wouldn't give him the time of day never mind the possibility of a chance with me.

I agree with nkf. One sign of drugs and I wouldn't give him the time of day either-certainly not a second date.

Lots of people in the 'city' take drugs. They think it makes them better negotiators or something, or to work harder, or whatever the latest excuse is.

OP you say 'I think it bothers him that I don't do it because it's a big part of his social life more than it bothers me that he does it.' - beleive me, he will soon start expecting you to join in. Like misery, druggies/smokers love company, and you not taking will soon become in his mind, you 'judging'. His other girlfriends took it - i wonder if they did when they first met him?

"I can sense his interest veering towards spending time with his mates"

Whether he's using coke or not, I'd be withdrawing from this relationship now. It sounds as though you do like him a lot but this guy has the potential to hurt you quite badly.

"I am also curious as to why, if it was going to develop into a problem, it hasn't happened before now which suggests he has some control over it."

IMO the problem is he's not seen through the "trick" of cocaine and has continued to take over the last 15 years, even for a social gathering at his family.

Most of us grow out of it. The high self-confidence you feel on it is false. He sounds deeply insecure to have continued using. I would run.

I've recently been dumped by someone because I refused to do coke with him. Didn't make a big hoo ha about HIM doing it but I think he wanted someone who would "share" the experience with him. I am no novice either, was quite wild in my past but I have grown out of it seen and experienced the damage. Will never touch the stuff again.

You may find he will dump you if you don't get on board with it yourself. It's revolting stuff but users like company ime.

Oh and if he is taking it at family occasions then I guarantee he has a problem.

Social and relatively controlled users would not do that. It's utterly disrespectful and disgusting treatment of family members who will have no clue about it. It's crossing a very big line.

Why are you still here debating? He is an addict. Where can this relationship go? 15 years is a long time. Leave this loser please. Have some self respect!
(I mean that nicely)

I'm with everybody else. Dump the junky.

I very much doubt you've seen him sober, Shirsten. You don't know the real him.

I'm surprised that as a woman who self identifies as a feminist, you would condone cocaine use.

Did you know that the sex trafficking of women and girls is often very much linked to drug trafficking? What about what happens to women and girls living in the communities blighted by cocaine production?

Come on woman, use your loaf.