Back in the sack

[Verminator]

I'll spare you all the gory details but I've recently become a dad. Babies arrival was more than a little traumatic and I am/was expecting it to take a while before we resumed "bedroom activities". We've talked about it and naturally Mrs Verminator is very anxious about getting back on it. However we still haven't even taken any small steps. She is even reluctant to kiss as she thinks this is going to lead to more. She has some confidence issues. I'm really not sure what to do or what advice I want. Just a little tired of being rebuffed. What is a reasonable time to wait?

What do you do with this hour to yourself?

Is your wife's leisure time with or without the baby?

Honestly madabouthotchocolate I don't want to come across as too bigheaded but she couldn't ask for more from me as far as support with childcare / housework is concerned.

In fact i think it would be wrong to call it support as that implies it is her job i'm helping with. This is not the dynamic in our house but can't think of another way of putting it.

Verminator if you really are helping the way you say you are and you are also complimenting your wife and telling her she is still attractive to you and you can say she gets a break (more than I ever got myself but in retrospect this would have helped me to have had rest periods to myself) and somehow gets opportunities to sleep if she is up a lot of the night - if all of this is taken care of and you can say she is getting it - and her reluctance to be close to you continues and continues - encourage her to speak to her doctor.

Otherwise I think time makes a big difference. I am reluctant to give specific periods of time because it does not work like that and every woman/baby is different but all I would say is once the baby is consistently sleeping thro the night (7 - 8 hours or so) you might find things get easier for your relationship. When that happens depends on the baby. My first was doing this at 6 months - my second took 18 months - I know other mothers who go their babies to do this at around 6 weeks....

Is she breast feeding? The bf hormones can put you right off sex.

Also, and probably more relevantly to the kissing, cuddling etc, I have felt completely 'touched out' after both my babies - somebody is always on you, being carried by you, suckling from you and so on. So when I had a minute where I didn't have a baby needing me physically I enjoyed just being in my own body without anyone touching it.

All you can do is check everything is ok between you emotionally, and then wait. Chances are, she will feel like sex again soon(ish). The first few months with a baby are tough on both of you.

Good luck.

sorry but you need to wait longer much longer, it's only been 3 months!!!

It can also take quite some time to feel like your body is your own, you need to feel like its your own before you can get back into sharing it with you. I can't imagine how much worse that feeling is if you have had a traumatic birth.

patience and kisses that don't lead to sex. if she's not ready for kiss and cuddles, kiss her head, her hand etc just whenever your together. make her feel loved. She'll come to you when she's ready

Verminator, you haven't said what her response was when you tactfully broached the subject?

Agree with plantsitter, is she breastfeeding? That can have a big effect on sex drive (google it, there is a lot of info about it on the web).

If the birth was hard she might need a little longer to feel good about her body again. Agree with all of the comments about making sure she knows that you still find her attractive and beautiful. A lot of women need to feel happy and confident in themselves to feel sexy. Don't pressure her , there is nothing more off putting than desparation. Just be loving and affectionate.

likeatonneofbricks your advice of coping with MN may prove invaluable. And thank you everybody else for the encouraging/helpful commnets

Be patient. I know it must be frustrating but if there's any ounce of pressure from you then that will put her off completely. Remember that only three months ago she went through a really traumatic experience that has changed her body completely. She needs time to come to terms with that and feel comfortable with herself again.

Have you talked to her about the birth?

Sorry OP, the nest of vipers is active today. I really don't see why the OP needs to suffer this sort of antagonism when he is asking a perfectly natural question!

FWIW OP, after my first, difficult birth, it took me 9 months before I wanted sex again. And I got pregnant again with that act! It is not what you want to hear, I am sure, and hopefully it won't be as long for you, but it can take a long time to feel sexy again.

It may help you to know what was going on inside me to put me off sex. It wasn't just the physical damage done "down below". Tiredness played a big part, as did breastfeeding my baby. It meant I was doing all the night feeds, and also, sorry, but it made me feel my breasts were for something more important than my husband's pleasure. Also - and this is the harsh truth here - I did go off my husband for a while after the birth as I felt my baby needed me more than he did. All or none of these things might be playing a part in your wife's reluctance to have sex.

Your best bet is to take on as much of the burden for caring for a baby and a house as you can, leaving your wife to rest and think warm caring thoughts about you as a father and husband. Reiterate as often as you can that you only want a cuddle and nothing more. I would find it hard to believe - men tend to want more than that - but if you can prove it to her, she will believe you.

Finally, as everyone else said, wait for your wife to want something more. It will come! (meant to make the point that, as bad as our relationship might sound to you) my husband and I are still happily together 16 years after the birth of our first baby.

Urgh, total mis-use of brackets in my last post.

Bless you OP. I genuinely believe you are trying to do the right thing here.

After first DC (lots of bruising, lots of stitches/grazing) it was about 6-8 weeks but my sex drive became non existent. Be warned, loss of libido is a delightful side effect of breastfeeding. The issue I had was that DH would often get carried away after just a kiss and then I'd say no, feel guilty and get upset then it would turn into An Issue. What would have been better for me was to be in control. To let DH take a back seat and know that we could go as far as I wanted.

After DS2 (dramatic, but less physically traumatic) it was about 2 weeks but more because I wanted to know that everything was OK down there.

Be led by your DW. Spoil her rotten, tell her you just want kisses and cuddles and then let her take the lead. Sex has actually been more pleasurable for me since having my DC's, so it might not be as bad as she thinks.

If my DH had offered to send me for a spa day 3 months after the baby was born I'd have told him to fuck off.....

Agree with plantsitter, I couldn't cope with anyone else even touching me. It just felt as though I was being touched and needed constantly, and all I wanted to do was be alone. Being offered a massage or beauty treatments would have been a complete anathema to me.

I was bone achingly tired, breast feeding was difficult, my baby was in pain and crying through the night. If my DH had offered me the tiniest bit of romance I would have bitten his head off.

Three months really isn't very long, OP. That's why you're getting snapped at a bit. What you perhaps find hard to understand (and that isn't meant condescendingly: you don't have a womb, you don't have a vagina, you really don't know how different a body feels after pregnancy and birth) is that your wife feels everything has changed, she needs time to process it and the last thing she wants right now is you waving your cock at her.

THe only stuff that will help is: Do your share. Your share is the amount of work it takes to ensure that your wife has the same amount of leisure time as you do. End of. (That's leisure not BFing the baby while you wash up a couple of cups). Be kind to her, complement her, but don't try to touch or kiss her unless she instigates it, be affectionate with words.

YOu do actually sound like a reasonable chap so it's probably all going to be all right, but there is no upheaval in life like the arrival of a first baby. Give it all a bit of time.

My sister once graphically described childbirth as like being repeatedly kicked between the legs by someone wearing steel capped boots. Bear that in mind.

In all honestly, it can take a long time to feel "right" again. I also had a traumatic birth and it was 3 months before I even found walking comfortable again. After one year the scar still felt tight and hurt a little. Even at that point the idea of sex was subconsciouslesy linked to childbirth and the thought of ever having to go through that again filled me with horror.

Pain aside, libido goes out the window in the face of breastfeeding and the sheer daily grind of caring for a small screaming bundle of demanding joy. The last thing new mothers want or need at that point is catering to the demands of a demanding man as well. However well meaning, your attempts at affection may appear to her as just one more demand in her life.

Would it be worth suggesting a sexual moratorium for 6 months or so? i.e. agree that there will be no sex for 6 months unless she initiates it. This removes your affectionate gestures from the subset of sexual come-ons and puts the power back in her hands to decide when she's ready. In the meantime, you can sort yourself out manually.

And finally, there is nothing sexier IMHO than a man who pulls his weight in the home. On weekend mornings DH would take DD after the first breastfeed of the morning and spend Daddy/Daughter time until the next feed was due. Those blissful hours when I could sleep or shower without any demands were more important for regaining my sense of self and libido than anything else.

If you can't even have a kiss or a cuddle maybe start off even smaller, stroke her hair in passing, a squeeze on the arm or a gentle touch on her hip perhapse while she is cooking something. Just a bit of gentle affection not suggestive in anyway. Smile at her, compliment her and don't put any pressure on in a sexual way.

I don't think you are being unreasonable by asking here btw. I just hope you are slightly more tactful when dealing with your wife.

It must be hard for you too having to deal with the change in your relationship and the lack of intamacy/affection. I say that without sarcasm, I hope you get things back on track and I am sure a physical relationship will ressume when your wife is ready. Lots of women wait longer than 3 months.

Well in my experience, i recovered physically from the births of my 2 children a long time before i felt emotionally able to have sex. Like many posters i was knackered, feeding, etc but for me it was more than that. I felt different. I couldn't relax, even if baby was asleep i was constantly on edge expecting him to wake.
I was embarassed about my new shape body and all its wobbly bits, despite my lovely DH telling me he loved it and i was gorgeous. I guess in many ways i felt that i was a mum now and mums aren't allowed to have sex! Sounds odd but thats it. It took me about 6 months before i even felt like it to be honest and even then it was more because i knew my husband was unhappy and i was desperate to alleviate that.
In all reality it took me years (about 4) to get back to normal. Yes we did have sex in that time (albiet infrequently) but 4 years to get back to anything like a normal sex life. I also think for me it was hormonal - my libido simply vanished the day i became a mother and is only now returning. I loved my husband and found him attractive but just did not feel sexy myself.
I would say hang in there. Keep supporting your wife, keep telling her you love her etc, don;t put pressure on her (not suggesting you are) and i'm sure you will get your relationship back.

OP, I agree you got jumped on - I read the 'drop her pants' as a touch of humour about the whole thing, which is great.

I'm assuming you were there for the birth, but how much have you seen of the 'aftermath' as it were. Do you know when your wife's lochia stopped, for example? Or if her stitches have healed clean?

It may be '3 months' to you, but it's '12 weeks' to her - trust me! And it's not even '12 weeks'.... it may be only be 6, or 3 or even 1 since she stopped bleeding and icking. She may still be in pain from poor sutures.

In fact (and if you're up for a real shock) read this: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/general_health/698136-anyone-had-posterior-repair-rectocele-repair/AllOnOnePage

Not every woman on here had birth injuries but most did.

If you wife had a traumatic birth, then, from the sounds of things, one way or another parts of her body got ripped apart to bring your child into this world. If you've ever badly hurt yourself, try remembering how long it was before you 'trusted' that part of you again, forgot about the injury and used it as always, even after you knew it was completely healed.

This is much the same. Trust me, three months is nothing!

Thanks most of you. It seems like I?m doing the right things anyway. I think I wanted to hear that all is alright and this is what people go through. These are things I just don?t talk about with my friends and family and whilst this is all new for her it is for me too. I think we were pretty well prepared for parenthood but some things you just don?t consider.

Just to answer a few points/questions.

What do I do with my hour? Usually watch the news and have a quick cuppa.
Does she get the same luxury? Yes I make sure she does.
Is she still breastfeeding? Yes she is, this is something i?ve supported her with totally but hadn?t considered the other hormonal aspects of it, thanks to those who have pointed this out.
Don?t pester ? I haven?t, I?ve tried to encourage us to talk about it, this definitely needs to happen. Definately no cock waving round these parts
3 months isn?t long ? I had said over 3 months, I didn?t want to be too specific on here. Mrs Verminator is a MN user also and wouldn?t really want her to know I?ve been talking/posting about her. Although I see from the range of responses that this could go on longer and still work out ok, thanks those.
Also all the contradictory responses have been helpful and unhelpful at the same time (try romancing/don?t romance) I guess only I know my wife, or maybe I don?t!

Give the guy a fucking break!

Verminator you sound great
Just keep being open minded about the fact that a new baby is a massive learning curve (more than most people expect) and keep doing what you are doing
My husband also has 45 mins / 1hour when he gets in from work for a quick watch of tv / glass of wine whilst I bath my two menaces - it works for us in a funny kind of way and if your wife is happy with the routine you've got going good for you - provided you are both happy.
Just dont decide anything you both go through in the next couple of years is too hard - it all changes fairly quickly and things will get back to normal eventually

Re the one hour - I assume your wife is ok about this.

But I remember when my two were tiny, by the end of the day I would be exhausted/bored and desperate for a break so used to hand them over to OH as soon as he got back from work. He would entertain/bath/feed them and then we would catch up with each other when they were in bed.

Did she have lots of stitches?

That was the killer for me.

I don't have any children but my friends who do practically throw the baby at their DH when he comes through the door.