Back in the sack

[Verminator]

I'll spare you all the gory details but I've recently become a dad. Babies arrival was more than a little traumatic and I am/was expecting it to take a while before we resumed "bedroom activities". We've talked about it and naturally Mrs Verminator is very anxious about getting back on it. However we still haven't even taken any small steps. She is even reluctant to kiss as she thinks this is going to lead to more. She has some confidence issues. I'm really not sure what to do or what advice I want. Just a little tired of being rebuffed. What is a reasonable time to wait?

FWIW (again) I had horrendous infertility and failed pregnancy issues.

My H went without sex for a full year twice with numerous other shorter-term "droughts" of up to 3 months at a time when there wasn't even a baby to make up for it.

If some woman was telling him on the internet, that he had waited "long enough" and it was time to take it up with me, I would not be very happy at all

How about if some woman was telling him to "leave the bitch" because his needs weren't being considered, or that you must "definitely" be having an affair AnyFucker ?

Happens an awful lot here....

I was utterly shit-scared of getting pregnant again. Could that be having an effect? Maybe a 'belt and braces' approach to contraception might help?

I was with you verminator right up until you started getting arsey with 'little miss chocolate' & AF. If you come onto a forum asking for advice you're bound to get things you disagree with, no need for anyone (that includes those who were rude to you too) to get personal, rude or snappy.

Your wife is most likely exhausted, sore & possibly a little paranoid about how the birth has changed the shape of her intimately...I know I was & even asked my husband about it the first time we had sex after giving birth. Can't honestly remember how long it took though.

And I would be narked if my husband came home & had an hours peace & quiet before helping with the baby...if he's asleep fair enough but if he's not...I think looking after a baby is far harder work than going out to work & it's relentless.

Anyway, hope it works out for you soon.

Portofino, sex is very important to men. NOT just for relieving their tension, but also to express nonverbally how they feel.

I happen to feel that way about it myself or rather, I used to...

And for calling me a pillar of patriarchy simply because I acknowledge that men are human beings with feelings that should be taken as seriously as ours... well, whatever floats your boat.

You know, having babies changes the whole dynamic of everything. And the people who miss out the most, are MEN. They lose their partner, they lose their intimacy bond and they get relegated. It's reality, its a fact of life, they should be mature enough to handle it, yes yes yes yes yes don't bother to post that.

But ADMIT it is a loss, fuck me we are allowed to express our grief enough. Having a baby is a great joy, but it also involves LOSS. Men get PND too.

AF-your comments to the OP were telling him he was out of order posting on here as his wife uses mn,how is that not rude?who are you to tell anyone they should or shouldn't post on here?
If his wife does use mm he has hardly given any identifying details had he?
So you were actually rude first,and still no reason to call him a twat.

Rodea, because he's not talking to her, but to mn, probably knowing dw will see thread, but he didn't get the response he expected.

Imo.

I do think he is out of order to post in a space his wife uses to garner ammunition to use against his wife for not "dropping her drawers "quickly enough

I don't believe I am the only one to think that

Yes men have to carry a baby for nine months, they get stretch marks, incontinence, damage from the birth, they have the physical pain and exhaustion of labour and possible long term bodily damage, they have the exhaustion and difficulty that comes from hormone changes and trying to breastfeed, they don't get to go back to work two weeks after the baby is born, they often lose out on career progression and they lose their libido. Oh no actually, that's WOMEN.

How on God's green bloody earth do you figure MEN lose out more than women when babies are born abitwobbly? Or is it just the men matter more than women and so the fact that they lose out on sex outweighs all the massive changes that women go through?

it would be like my Dh, in preMumsnet days, if he went to the pub I also use and whine to everyone there about how I am refusing to sleep with him

except it wouldn't even be behind my back...so all the comments would be displayed behind the bar for me to see

The hostility to men here is ridiculous. It appears to be a reflex response.

The way Verminator has been spoken to for asking a perfectly reasonable question about a LOSS he has actually incurred in real life, is completely inappropriate.

That angry, bitter women don't like the fact that it is a loss, doesn't make it any less so.

I agree with AF.

bullshit, AF, its not the same AT ALL....

But how do you know he's using this to get ammunition?why can't he really not be asking a genuine question?
He hasnt actually given the length if time that they haven't had sex,it could be over a year for all we know,and I'm not saying that it makes any difference just that to me he seemed to want to know how to address it and when.
Like I said in my previous post I had a very traumatic labour and birth myself and was physically unable to even lift my babies to feed them when they were born,sex was not on the agenda for months but when it was my partner did have questions leading up to it about when did I think I would want to.There was no pressure from him,he wanted to be sure it was absolutely ok for me-he would never want to hurt me physically or emotionally by putting extra stress on me.
I felt like this was really what the OP wanted,how to approach his partner and how to start getting back to normal.

CB, OP is hanging he and his dw's linen out to dry so to speak. That's what we call it when one person blags in public about private parts of a relationship. Yes I know it's a public forum etc, but surely as dw uses mn there should be boundaries about what is said in 'public'.

Just a thought.

MEN lose out more when babies are born? WTAF???

Now I really have heard everything!

(and what Cailin said)

Its an anonymous forum ffs.

Last I heard, anyone could sign up and post....

Posters are way out of line to tell someone they can't/shouldn't post.

Rodea, that's exactly it, there was no pressure from your dh/dp, not did he put extra stress on you.

Don't think that's the case here tbh.

Rodea he has said the baby is 12 weeks old

*nor

I didn't have sex with DH for 18 months after the twins. I didn't want to for a long while and then after that I did want to but had to work through my feelings. If he had put any pressure in me at all (by asking) it would have taken longer or I would have agreed to it without wanting to and before I was ready. Agree with the poster up thread who said all that matters is that the wife doesn't want to. What kind of scumbag would want their wife to give in without really being ready? Cos that's what you're asking really op. no-one can tell when they'll be ready, especially if you've had a traumatic birth.

*on! Ha ha!

Monty-but surely the majority of posters on here are then doing the same?
I have seen far more identifiable posts,and many posts from women who share extremely private information about their husbands on here with regards to their sex life and more and nobody tells them they shouldn't be asking for advice.