Back in the sack

[Verminator]

I'll spare you all the gory details but I've recently become a dad. Babies arrival was more than a little traumatic and I am/was expecting it to take a while before we resumed "bedroom activities". We've talked about it and naturally Mrs Verminator is very anxious about getting back on it. However we still haven't even taken any small steps. She is even reluctant to kiss as she thinks this is going to lead to more. She has some confidence issues. I'm really not sure what to do or what advice I want. Just a little tired of being rebuffed. What is a reasonable time to wait?

I hope I have offered constructive, well-meant advice earlier in this thread OP.

Bearing that in mind, and also the fact that I support your right to post here, I do have to admit that my experience as a mother at home with children was in line with what recent posters have been saying, ie that I counted the minutes until dh came home, and the moment he was in the door, I was begging him to take the kids from me. His complaint was that he needed time to get changed (which took a matter of minutes) but there was definitely no question of him sitting down with a cup of tea for an hour. If your dw is doing the same, I suppose that sounds ok, but if not, I think it is a valid point many of us are making that free time does not normally occur for parents of newborns until the baby is down for the night (if then).

It isn't a question of asking your wife's permission. Take a look at her: if she is still working, you should be too.

I have to agree with AF! I looked forward for several hours for DH's return from work in the first few months. I handed over the baby, then he brought me a G&T in the bath. We then took it in turns to get her settled in bed. I don't recall any issues resuming intimacy as I don't recall being highly resentful.

I'll take twelve hours if I want to

You are coming across as very entitled op. I suspect you believe you are entitled to sex with your wife too, which is why you posted asking for other female opinions on what might be a 'reasonable' time to wait.

If we'd have all said we'd had sex again within the first three months, what would you have done? Used it as ammunition against your wife? What does it matter what we say? Who cares whether it took us six days or six years? All that matters is when she feels ready, surely?

You do not have a right to sex with your wife. If she doesn't want to yet, then she doesn't want to. Neither must she have endless conversations with you about it. Leave her alone.

I think the OP is getting some pretty harsh responses,he has asked a genuine question,there is no suggestion of pressurising her or putting her needs after his.
The fact he has dared to mention that he has a fucking hour to himself-did you read the bit that said his partner is often sat there with him-has led to some really unnecessary comments.
And calling him a twat?just fucking rude.

Blimey, the OP's a charmer I'd have my knickers nailed up around my ears.

Perhaps we should all help by putting out an MN-wide alert so that the wife of this lovely chap realises he has posted and reads the thread? That should make her decision about when to resume having sex with him much easier.

Rodea - I think you'll find he was rude to AF first

Maybe the Op's wife is on the thread

That COULD be the hour that the baby is GOOD though. Bathed, fed etc. Happy for a period of minimal interaction whilst her parents watch the news. It's what happens AFTER that counts. My personal baby was an angel in the mornings. I got all the "jobs" done whilst she mostly slept, or played in her baby gym. In the afternoon we used to go shopping/for a walk, then have cuddles. In the evening, she screamed the place down.

There is no chance she won't know this is her if she reads the thread .

Madabouthotchoc-I feel like I'm reading a thread where the OP has asked for advice but has had some pretty harsh comments in response.
I haven't read the OP referring to anyone on this thread as a twat.

OP no real advice just wanted to say you know your wife best and I think you are doing all you can, hopefully things will resume soon.

Also you are a brave brave man coming on here

I thought this was my husband when I first started reading!!! But noooooo, mine doesn't get he luxury of an hour to himself when he comes in so can't be him...(better bloody not be anyway!)

Seriously though, I have a 13 week old baby, and if my DH posted on this forum, and I read it, I would be gutted that he didn't discuss 'his issues' properly with me.

Hi, I really wish MN wouldn't be hostile to men asking for help. We SAY we want them to talk, then we flame them! Ridiculous.

We handled this issue quite well Verminator. I will PM you because women who dismiss men's valid needs pisses me off.

Shift

"Take a look at your wife: if she is still working, you should be too."

This is a genius line and the answer to at least 50% of the threads I have read in Relationships.

I think it should be adopted as an official mantra

For what it's worth OP, I feel like sex is a hurdle we need to get over, as physically I feel fine. After our first child I felt like this too, and after we got the first time out of the way, normality soon resumed (this was about 4 months after). Everyone is different though, and you have to do whatever is right for you both. The only way you will know is right is by talking to your wife. Good luck.

On a very practical level after a birth injury you hurt - the equivalent of bruised/tender gonads for weeks. Breastfeeding makes your breasts sore, achy, hot. These erogenous zones are not getting any signals that make them think sex is a good idea, in fact she's probably clenching at the though, gets pain which confirms it's a bad idea! Whack on top of that hormones, extreme tiredness and loss of confidence in your body. The head and the body have to be willing.

Contact that is not sexual (hand-holding, foot/shoulder rub, hand at the waist, kiss on the forehead etc) allows for familiarity around each other again without expectations of sex. Praise and reassurance she's doing a good job, familiarity of friends and family (as being a new mother can be isolating), confidence you love her just the same/if not more, are all natural steps that future closeness between a couple.

foster (not furture) closeness between a couple

Oooh get you Abitwobbly

women who dismiss men's valid needs pisses me off. er... sic.

Yes, how dare we question his perfectly valid entitlement to sex and time away from his family whenever he pleases.

Does it get terribly tiring being the forums most enthusiastic handmaiden of patriarchy? Because I imagine it must.

"Hi, I really wish MN wouldn't be hostile to men asking for help. We SAY we want them to talk, then we flame them! Ridiculous."

But what THIS man is asking is what can he do/how soon can he expect a shag. Lots of posters have given him realistic advice. He threw a paddy. What do you expect?

OP I would say give her lots and lots of reassurance, try to open lines of communication with no pressure.

I would also say that 3 months is long enough to wait for it to happen tbh, now you need to address it with her.

I would also hide this thread. It NEVER ends well here I'm afraid, especially not for men posting :(

What is a reasonable time to wait? what a horrible question

(1) what will you do if she wants to wait longer than a length of time you deem 'reasonable'?
(2) it implies that you are waiting for her. Great. That pressure will make her feel superb.

oh I see its already happened.....