Back in the sack

[Verminator]

I'll spare you all the gory details but I've recently become a dad. Babies arrival was more than a little traumatic and I am/was expecting it to take a while before we resumed "bedroom activities". We've talked about it and naturally Mrs Verminator is very anxious about getting back on it. However we still haven't even taken any small steps. She is even reluctant to kiss as she thinks this is going to lead to more. She has some confidence issues. I'm really not sure what to do or what advice I want. Just a little tired of being rebuffed. What is a reasonable time to wait?

You know madabouthotchocolate I've never asked her if it's ok if I sit and have a brew when I get home. To be honest I think she think I'd bloody lost it. We live in a house, not a classroom and she's my wife, not my jailor. Also it's not a set hour. It isn't scheduled in or anything. This isn't my allotted leisure time. It's just time for me to sit and rest and collect my thoughts because that's what I want to do. If I want to take 12 hours that's what I'll do. But I dont. Do you know why? Because I'm an adult. Please read through everything I've written previously and stop treating me otherwise.

Verminator, why the sarcasm at MAHC ? She asked a perfectly straightforward question which it seems was a very astute one, after all .

My advice ? Ask your wife if you can give her a break for an hour the minute you get home from work. Or, have a little tantrum at the very idea of doing such a thing

I'm also a bit surprised at how snappy your response to MAHC was. When my DS was tiny I wouldn't have been happy if my DH came home from work and sat down for an hour, but then he does an office job and has the chance to eat a relaxed lunch etc. When I had been attending to a baby all day with barely a chance to get a minute alone I really needed to have the relief of DH coming home and taking DS off my hands, if only for half an hour so I could have a cup of tea in peace.

Likewise. I would have been fucking livid if DH had acted as if his need to have a quiet cuppa superseded mine after I had spent all day BFing a newborn. We used to share the baby/make dinner together and then relax together. A quiet hour at the end of the day is a luxury most parents don't get till the baby is in bed.

Also, don't take this personally OP, but I think you are out of order to post this in a space that you know full-well your wife uses.

men always come in for a hard time on MN... however nice they seem

I can only comment on what you have written verminator but I think from what you say then you do appreciate it is a sensitive subject etc and I think you should be applauded for trying to understand the reasons why your wife might not be ready.
I think the questions and probing particularly around your hour to yourself are not necessary.
When my dp arrived home from work when I was on mat leave he absolutely was 'allowed' to have some time to have a cup of coffee and watch a bit of the news if he wanted-and without asking me if it was ok.He still had a two hour commute,and while I could nap in the day if needed he couldnt.
You sound like a genuine man who cares for his partner,if you take the good advice on board things should get back to some form of normality,for me it was a good 8 months,twins and very traumatic birth and life endangering illness afterwards but my dp never questioned anything and was patient and gentle.just do the same with your partner.good luck!

It's a good job my dh doesn't read MN - if he knew there were men who got an hour to themselves when getting in from work.... As soon as dh got in he got the baby dumped on him and I got the cup of tea/quiet time. But then I did have a very difficult dc1 - colicky and allergic to sleep.

Seriously though, I found the first baby a huge shock to the system and I had a very traumatic birth. My stitches didn't even fully heal till 5mths after the birth. Sex was off the menu for about the first 9mths - but we did reconnect quite naturally - there was no need for dh to 'have a talk' to me about it - he just showed immense understanding and patience.

I remember reading a quote from someone that after the birth of her baby -she wanted to cut herself in half, give the top half to the baby and the bottom half to her husband. I could really identify with this since a demanding newborn baby can make you feel like just a 'functioning body' fulfilling various needs for others. It's so easy to lose your sense of self, the fact that she is pushing you away, not kissing you etc, makes me think that she is feeling pressured, whether this is intended or not. She probably just needs more time.

I was three days but has a c section it's the intimacy that is the thing that I wanted- its exclusivity between you and your partner that I think you may be missing. I don't think u are evil for wanting that with you're partner.

Your snappy reply is very telling

That's what I thought too MadAboutHotchoc

I wish my DP had asked somewhere like this, rather than going off into a sulk and complaining that I don't "take the initiative any more" - DC1 was 12 weeks, ventouse delivery , many stitches, getting minimal sleep and breast feeding. I was so sleep deprived I could barely articulate why this was unfair given I still did 90% of the house work, all night feeds and nappies, while he slept comfortably in the spare room. His lack of sensitivity led to significant setbacks in that department and I still feel under pressure to perform when frankly I'd much rather be reading the news with a cup of tea :(

I thought you sounded great up until the snappy reply to MAHC.

And I'm another one who thinks you might do better to have your hour of relaxation later in the evening. It seems odd to me that your wife doesn't get a short time to relax without the baby just after you get in - I know I absolutely depended on that in the early days after my DS was born. Some days I was counting down the minutes until my DH came home and could take DS off me - even if just for 30 minutes. I'd have been much less happy if he's wanted me to keep on looking after the baby while he relaxed first.

I don't think a cup of tea is unreasonable, when I was on mat leave I would make a cuppa for dp when he came in from work and wouldn't just hand the baby over. He had been at work all day doing a physical job after a disturbed nights sleep so thought he deserved a rest.

But equally you the DW has been looking after a baby all day and deserves a rest too, no? But then she has to do an hour more, so that he can relax - whereas the DH taking the baby might not be a rest for him, but would at least be something different from what he has been doing all day long. And he could have his rest a little bit later.

And if the baby doesn't sleep well in the day, then bear in mind the DW may have had no break at all during the day - whereas the DH will probably have had a lunch break, and some time to himself on the journey home. It does make a difference I think.

Rach - I agree a cuppa is not unreasonable and as long as you were happy, its fine.

Its the "I'm entitled" tone that comes across as being very revealing.

My ex always used to go for a pint or seven after work ' because he needed and had a right to unwind' even when we had a newborn, a toddler, I was struggling with PND and breastfeeding and generally feeling shite. He was/is a selfish entitled twat, hence why he's an ex. Keep insisting you have a 'right' to your me-time even when your wife has been up to her ears in nappies and vomit all day, and you might find you suddenly have an awful lot more of it...

I think a few of you have missed the point. Cups of tea aren't an issue here. Little miss chocolate has somehow made this an issue. This isn't a routine. This is just what generally happens. More often than not she will be reading a book whilst bubs is in her chair. Quite often she will also have a cup of tea and watch the news with me before we then start tea, wash stinky bums, etc. it was only miss chocolate who insisted I should have gained approval. You shouldn't judge others by your own poor experiences.

It's just time for me to sit and rest and collect my thoughts because that's what I want to do. If I want to take 12 hours that's what I'll do

And what about what your wife wants? Or do you usually come first (no pun intended!)?

I think I have made my point

We can only go by what you put here, OP. I thought the same as 'miss chocolate' (whatever that's supposed to mean) in fact.

You've asked for advice, we're looking at what you've told us. We're commenting and speculating on it.

You've clarified the point - well done, but there's no need for the bitchyness!

We're not mind readers.

"little miss chocolate"

patronising, much ?

FWIW, come 6pm I would be waiting at the window for DH's car to appear on the driveway, with baby in arms and the overwhelming need to simply have a bath on my own for 20 minutes without a baby hanging off my boob, my arm or my leg.

If my DH thought his right to an hour with a brew and the newspapers after being away from baby all day was more important than that, I wouldn't have "dropped my drawers" either.

I'd chop mine off if was coming home to you anyfucker

I really hope my wife doesn't behave like some of you lot

I really want to say your wife definitely does not behave like some mumsnetters but think that is a bit harsh