Back in the sack

[Verminator]

I'll spare you all the gory details but I've recently become a dad. Babies arrival was more than a little traumatic and I am/was expecting it to take a while before we resumed "bedroom activities". We've talked about it and naturally Mrs Verminator is very anxious about getting back on it. However we still haven't even taken any small steps. She is even reluctant to kiss as she thinks this is going to lead to more. She has some confidence issues. I'm really not sure what to do or what advice I want. Just a little tired of being rebuffed. What is a reasonable time to wait?

How long is a piece of string? When she's ready I'm sure she'll let you know.

Do you always push for more when you kiss your partner?

monal no I don't

So your baby's birth was recent and "more than a little traumatic" and you want to know how long it will be before you can have sex again? How old is the baby? Please elaborate.

Reassure her that you would just like a kiss and a cuddle, and mean it. Don't get carried away and try to grope her or anything, just keep the affection and intimicay going and when she is ready and comfortable she will let you know.

How recent is recent? I seem to remember it being about six weeks before my body started to resemble anything close to what it was before and being awake enough to think about sex anyway.

I think you need to talk to your wife, not a web forum. These things are very personal, and just because one person was a ready at x weeks, doesn't mean someone else will be.

Be sympathetic, did you make a note of exactly what child birth entails? Getting back in the sack may take a while, for all manner of reasons.

You can do things together other than have full sex, maybe suggest starting with something else with no pressure to move on until SHE is ready.

The tone of your post is just so flippant. I think juneybean is right, how long is a piece of string? There is no "reasonable" apart from when both partners want to at the same time. I think you should stop putting yourself in a position to be "rebuffed" and let her set the pace. To put this in context, how recently is recently? Are you both still desperately trying to learn to cope with a baby, lack of sleep, recovering from a traumatic birth, or are we talking two years?

Oh love you ask for a listening ear and get balsted first go around

Patience and lots of it, the key word here is traumatic, and thats the after effect, she will be feeling still, the bubs comes first, and both of you take a back seat. Youve said she feels less confidant and this goes hand in hand when you have post pregnancy body and what might be classed as an over amourous hubs. Yes you are human and you have needs, but they sort of need to take a back seat for a bit, otherwise other issues start to raise their heads as well.

help her without being asked, reassure her how fab, wanted,wonderful mother she is, pay her attention and compliments, this goes a long way, being tired sicked up on possinly breast feeding and being uncomfortable dont make anyone feel like a roll in the sack.

Hopefully all this if you handle it right will pave the way for both of you to resume normal viewing, but be aware that pestering will up set piss her off and believe me last a lot longer than what you might call reasonable.

keep the lines of communication open and the pressure off, and theres always the palm of your hand.

congratulations to you both on the new bubs too

Thats part of the problem Rachog we aren't even managing a kiss and a cuddle as she recoils. For everybody else, it has been over 3 months. I'm not here stamping my feet asking you all to give her a deadline on when she should be dropping her pants. I'm asking for some advice on how to somehow resume our relationship. I just think the longer it goes on the more of a hurdle it becomes.

Thanks Guiltypleasures

We do talk quite a bit, i think i'm quite supportive and sensitive over most issues and I think she would agree. I don't think i've pestered although we have broached the subject.

I feel like I've dealt with this subject quite tactfully with her and just wanted others perspectives, dealing with issues on your own isn't healthy. I dont think this is something I should be discussing with friends/relatives

What did she say when you broached the subject?

Does she seem to be quite happy with other aspects of new motherhood? Coping OK? Being 'herself'? You mention 'confidence issues' and I wonder what those would be. PND is always top of mind when new mums are acting out of character.

"Back in the sack"; "Drop her pants". You are making it sound so tempting

YY Abigail. OP you say you want some advice on how to resume your relationship, but your original question was "What is a reasonable time to wait?"

Is housework being shared 50:50? are you doing your fair share of the childcare?

Verminator
This is solely my perspective so may not apply to all ladies out there. However having had two babies recently (in the last 3 years) this is what would have made me feel much more in the mood. If you are not in a position to help the following happen it might take longer for your wife to get back to the way things were (or it might not - your wife is a different person to me to state the obvious).
Depending on how long ago the baby was born and how comfortable your wife feels about leaving the baby - encourage your wife to leave the baby for short periods of time in the care of some other trusted person. That might be you or a trusted relative or pay for a baby sitter. Encourage your wife to do whatever makes her relax during that time - soak in the bath, get her hair done, shopping (these are cliches - maybe she likes something totally different but whatever makes her feel relaxed and like she is a person separate from the baby). Do not pressure her to use the time away from the baby to have sex. Tell her you find her attractive exactly as you did before the baby and that her being a mother to your baby makes her more attractive to you and that you look forward to being close to her again.

If she is anything like me carving out some time to herself (especially if this is facilitated in some way by you) together with being told she is attractive to you - eventually should do the trick and she will come to you without you asking her. If this all sounds like hard work and too much to ask to you I suspect she knows that and that could be part of it

sosad I also said "I'm really not sure what to do or what advice I want."

Can't you see that I'm just somebody wanting to do the right thing for our relationship. This isn't something that I'm used to talking about with others so perhaps it sounds a bit clumsy. OK all i'm asking about is the physical part of our relationship which is probably what is making all of your eyes roll. I don't need to ask about anything else because everything else is fine.

If you want to pick holes, find some other thread.

"Its been over 3 months"
Is this your first baby? Does she have any female role models to help her. Are you helping her with the care of the baby (night feeds etc)
I dont think it is unreasonable to ask about sex but i think your wife maybe stressed and on a steep learning curve and wants to know you are by her side and supporting her and going to go the distance with her in her new role as a mum - sometimes these messages help people relax, sometimes you just need to go the distance and know things change quickly with a newborn and sleep deprivation (which does not go on for ever) can temporarily put relationships under pressure

madabouthotchocolate I don't think it is 50:50 but its as close as it can be. She gets a lot done during the day/whilst I'm at work, I have an hour for myself when I get home. I would be very surprised if there was any complaints about my contribution.

Remember that women need to feel loved in order to have sex.

This means giving her time to do things she enjoy doing, doing the chores and being complimentary and supportive. Actions speak louder than words.

What do you mean about an hour for yourself when you get home?

Does she get the same amount of "leisure" time?

Yes she does, and more.

No OP, I can't actually see that. And yes, if I choose to pick holes, then I will. Remember you chose to post on a public forum.

Others have asked some very important questions of you and you have chosen not to answer them. Why is that?

Verminator - try a little romance, subtle compliments, admiring looks, little gifts, a spa treatment(?). this may boost her physical confidence as a woman. Also I was going to say help with the baby more, but sounds like you do. I think it's very reasonable for you to have an hour rest at weekdays and then get more involved at weekends. Maybe arrange an hour or two of childcare during the week?
Please don't justify your self to people who jump at your throat asap here - it's inevitable on Mn, just read the constructive advice. It's amazing that some posters can't even see the irony in your 'drop the pants' comment! yo sound genuine and at a loss, good that you aer being proactive and seeking advice.