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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I being paranoid or could he be having an affair?

699 replies

MusicForTheMasses · 07/06/2012 21:06

I think my husband may be having an affair. There are a number of reasons but nothing I can pinpoint. He had a promotion a few months ago and has started staying away from home on business trips, even though I am sure the person doing the job prior to him never did.

I can feel the distance between us and am always on edge. Partly I think (hope) it could be stress from his new job, but I don't think so.

I've noticed him texting a lot more these days (though not significantly, he has never really done this). I did something I thought I would never do earlier today and checked his phone, all his messages on there have been deleted both incoming and ougoing! He's a technophobe and theres a bit of me that thinks that deleting all his messages would be the only way he knows how to get rid of any incriminating ones.

I've noticed him having real hugs with the kids, not that he was ever a bad Dad but it's just as though he's making up for something.

I don't feel I can talk to someone IRL about this as to do it would be to admit something was wrong. We've just come back from holiday and should feel closer than ever, but I don't.

OP posts:

solittletimeandsomuchtodo · 07/06/2012 21:08

Hugs
I am not sure I can help a lot!
Question though...when he is away on business trips, are they far away? Can you spy on him?

Original poster

MusicForTheMasses · 07/06/2012 21:10

No, they are close to where he works (he has to commute about an hour). I have considered that but am trying to avoid that at the moment if I can. Getting a baby sitter to chek up on him sounds mad.

OP posts:

pinkbluepink · 07/06/2012 21:11

If he's deleting texts he may be hiding something. Does he keep his phone with him most of the time?

pinkbluepink · 07/06/2012 21:13

Also, was he texting whilst on holiday/hiding his phone/disappearing to text?

EclecticShock · 07/06/2012 21:13

Deleting texts doesn't sound encouraging. Have you approached him about it?

Original poster

MusicForTheMasses · 07/06/2012 21:18

I didn't see him text on holiday but we weren't always together.

I just don't feel I am ready to approach him about it yet. Writing it on here is as 'official' as I feel I am ready to be at the moment. Feel I need something concrete before I approach him.

OP posts:

Alwayskeptalidon · 07/06/2012 21:34

Why does he have to stay away if the commute is an hour?

doggiemumma · 07/06/2012 21:37

no advice really, other than go with your gut feeling :(

Original poster

MusicForTheMasses · 07/06/2012 21:38

He is high up in the company and when he stays near work it's becuase they are taking customers out or he's sorting stuff out (he is very senior). It hasn't just been when he's been near work though and I would have never thought anything of it in the past but the way things are...

OP posts:

doggiemumma · 07/06/2012 21:41

The way things are?? ok, why not take the bull by the horns, ask him - not outright, but ask him if he is ok, that he is distant and you are worried that he is stressed about something

EclecticShock · 07/06/2012 21:47

I do think you need to talk to him, don't accuse him, but talk to him in general about your relationship and of you are both happy with it.

Alwayskeptalidon · 07/06/2012 21:57

You would never have thought anything of it in the past, so your gut feeling is telling you something is not right. Go with it.

MDGilmore · 07/06/2012 21:59

Hang on a minute.

Maybe, just maybe, he's working really hard, he's just been promoted and is trying to reassure his company they made the right decision, hence his extra commitment and maybe he does have people to respond to via text.

Maybe, the hugs with the kids are because he knows he's having to work harder and he values the time he spends with them.

What is it with people on here always suspecting the worst?

MadAboutHotChoc · 07/06/2012 22:01

Always trust your instincts - they are trying to tell you something.

The distancing/detachment is a red flag and so is the deleting of texts.

Pandygirl · 07/06/2012 22:03

It doesn't sound great, I commute an hour to work, occasionally have to work late and take clients / visitors out for a meal near work, I wouldn't dream of not going home, it's only an hour.

Missing texts is another red flag, I think you're best to just ask if he's okay, if he wants to talk about anything?

ENormaSnob · 07/06/2012 22:08

I would trust your instincts tbh.

KirstyWirsty · 08/06/2012 08:44

I would trust your instincts and stay schtum for just now if you can .. if you ask him if anything is going on he will deny, make you feel paranoid and then cover his tracks

Keep your eye on things for a while and see if your suspicions seem to be correct.

Good luck - and sorry you are going through this! I went through it myself last year xx

Lizzabadger · 08/06/2012 08:56

Trust your gut instinct and start gathering evidence. Don't confront until you have proof. Sorry you're going through this.

hidingbeneathanamechange · 08/06/2012 09:01

Hmmmm, been there, and if you want my honest opinion it sounds very dodgy. How old is he? 40-ish? Ask him which hotel he is in, and if he has a million reasons why you don't need to know (last minute booking/he always has his mobile on so call that/secretary has booked it so he doesn't know) you'll have the answer.

It's the hugs that are a red flag to me. Guilt/goodbye thing.

JumpingThroughHoops · 08/06/2012 09:09

If you have no trust then you don't have a relationship.

NCIS · 08/06/2012 09:09

I delete texts and I'm definitely not having an affair! And I'm 40ish and I stay near work sometimes even though it's only an hour away. Never thought about it being perceived as dodgy.
He may me having an affair but equally he may not be.

MadAboutHotChoc · 08/06/2012 09:27

NCIS - there are other red flags (the detachment is a huge one) and instincts can't be written off, especially when you both have been together for several years and know each other very well.

tiredemma · 08/06/2012 09:29

My DP works most of the week in London - we live in Sutton Coldfield- he never stays over down there.

Go with your gut.

hidingbeneathanamechange · 08/06/2012 09:29

NCIS It's the culmination of things, hugs, distance, sudden need to stay away, age, all those things. I never ever thought my DH would have an affair. Everyone who knows him told me he was much too moral a man, would never do that to me, loved me too much. When a wife has a gut feeling that something isn't right, and there are various factors suggesting something is going on, something usually is.

I'd say go with gut feeling here, and start talking, not accusing, just talking.

ImperialBlether · 08/06/2012 09:32

Trust your instincts, OP. I think those who say there may be other reasons for feeling like this haven't perhaps gone through a time when their husband has been having an affair and they've known in their heart what's happening, even if they can't pinpoint it on anything.

One thing - if you are in a senior role and your texts are about work, it wouldn't make sense to delete incoming and outgoing texts, because you would need them to refer to.

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